“BLAH BLAH RAPTURE BLAH BLAH MAYAN CALANDERRRRR”
We’ve been hearing a lot of talk that the Rapture is upon us, that the Mayans are going to turn the world into quicksand or something, or dozens of other theories about the world’s inevitable demise. And as we can see from this picture above which we’re pretty sure is the ending of the movie Ghost, some of these potential End of Days scenarios will involve a lot of American citizens left behind by a vengeful God to fend for themselves. But really, is it a sin to drink a bathtub of whiskey every day? Is it? No, we’re seriously asking, whenever we pick up a bible it leaves third degree burns on our hands. Not because we’re anti-Christ-y, we just tend to have pretty violently strong allergic reactions to long words. Someone once tried to make Johnny Roosevelt read the word “perspicacious” and his body started swelling like a bubble-gum obsessed girl who got on Willy Wonka’s bad side.
“But AFFotD,” you might be saying, “Stop talking about how you can’t read the Bible. We’re horrible sinners, and if there’s a Rapture, we’re going to be stuck on Earth. There’s only so many shotgun shells and Phil Collins CDs in the world, and besides Skeet shooting gets old pretty fast. What are we supposed to do with ourselves when we’re not out defiling churches and installing voyeuristic cameras in attractive womens’ bathrooms?”
To you, hypothetically creepy reader, we’d first say, calm the fuck down and learn some manners. We didn’t interrupt you, no wonder you’re going to hell.
And to answer your question, it’s quite simple really. When you find yourself facing the end of days, after you’re done aggressively masturbating while sobbing, “No hope, no hope…” you’re going to want to take advantage of the unique situation that you’re finding yourself in. Being left behind is no picnic…it’s a fucking 24 hour party.
But first, you have do so much looting. That’s why we’re here to present you with.
The Official AFFotD Guide to Looting
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, America's Greatest Fun Facts
Tagged 3D TV, Alcohol, America, Avatar, Bible, Boondock Saints, Christopher Walken, Deer Hunter, Elvis, Ghost, Gin, ipad, Jason Bourne, Johnny Roosevelt, Kirstie Alley, Left Behind, Man vs. Wild, Mayans, Phil Collins, Quicksand, Rapture, Rum, Skeet Shooting, The Rapture, vodka, Wal-Mart, Will Wonka
“No more rhymes, now, I mean it.”
“Anyone want a peanut?”
~Seriously you guys, how good was The Princess Bride?
We at the AFFotD offices often have to swallow quite a modicum of our pride when we’re encountered by foreigners who accomplish American deeds. After all, you don’t have to be a born American to become a governor of one of the nation’s most populous states. Or to knock up the help. So that’s why, when we were watching The Princess Bride in our weekly “watching a chick flick that is actually totally acceptable to watch” night, we figured it was time that we gave proper deference to a Frenchmananoghieipghepwaighpae.
Sorry, the temp we had typing that spontaneously combusted- we have our keyboard wired to set fire whenever something positive is said about people from that…F country. But yes, we’re here to salute Andre the Giant, who did enough amazing American things in American, that we posthumously have declared him an American. Because we’re running out of interns to explode, and we want to take credit for him. So from now on, his birth will be described in “Georgia” instead of “Grenoble, France.” Because you have no idea how much Andre the Giant could drink.
Posted in Athletes, Drinkers, France
Tagged Alcohol, America, Andre the Giant, Andre the Giant has a Posse, Hulk Hogan, Killer Khan, Obama, Princess Bride, Wrestling
“Livin’ in Amerrrrrrrrricaaaaaaa.”
America and alcohol go together like America and alcohol- they’re such ideal companions there’s no feasible way to make a better analogy about it. But there are times when mixing alcohol with American inventions do not turn out so well. Bourbon and cars? Despite our brazen, occasionally maligned statements regarding drunk driving (“At least the drunk driving teens who died on the way to prom were cool enough to go to prom, probably because they were good at drinking” seems particularly damning in retrospect), we will admit that it’s usually not a good combination. Whiskey and airplanes? Okay, to be fair, we’ve just finished re-watching the plane crash scene of “Cast Away” so we don’t want to think about drunken airplane flying.
Despite how glamorous Die Hard 2 made it seem
But drunken broadcasting? Someone getting wasted, and then going live on television or radio? That is goddamn American. That’s literally the celebrity version of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. “You got drunk and high on my television show.” “You got your television show on my drunk and high.” “Holy shit best idea ever.”
“It truly was a chugging for the ages.”
That is why AFFotD is here to proudly present the most American moments of wasted broadcasting in American history. But first, we need to line up some shots.
Or we can just chug some Everclear.
Ahhhhh yeah. Yeah feel the burn.
Okay. *cough*. Okay. Let’s…uh, let’s get started.
Posted in Drunk People
Tagged Airplanes, Alcohol, America, American Idol, Anna Nicole Smith, Ashley Simpson, Ben Affleck, Celebrities, Conan, Die Hard, Drunk Celebs, Dukes of Harzards, Everclear, Fallout Boy, Gigli, Jackass, James Brown, Jennifer Garner, Jessica Simpson, Joe Nameth, Johnny Depp, Johnny Knoxville, Paula Abdul, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Sydney Bristow, Tracey Morgan, Whiskey
“I want to have 12 lokos tonight!”
~This man knows what’s up
“There is no possible way I would regret this later in life.”
Binge drinking is about as American as binge drinking, and no one does it better than Americans. While British people try to binge drink like us Americans, they don’t have the temperament for it, and usually end up just smashing pint glasses into each other’s faces. No, America knows how to do it- you take one part “I love you man,” three parts “AC/DC is the BEST FUCKING BAND EVER” and about twenty parts alcohol. But as we drink, we’re often faced with a very serious problem- drowsiness. Alcohol is a depressant, and it can make you go from alert to passed out in a fairly short time.
He knew the risks
To quote the famous Senator, Tim Calhoun, “Sometimes you want to stay up and party, and the cocaine really helps you do that.” But Cocaine is illegal (which isn’t that big of a deal) and not made in America (which is a big deal) and also doesn’t mix well with alcohol (…probably?) so American ingenuity came up with the brilliant principle…just add caffeine to the booze! It’s so simple! Rum and cokes were soon replaced by more potent mixtures, like Red Bulls and Vodka,s until they finally gave way to the most glorious alcoholic caffeinated concoction in American history…
May cause hallucinations
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged 12 Lokos!, AC/DC, Alcohol, America, Beer, Binge Drinking, Caffeine, Four Loko, frivolous lawsuits, Glassing, Guarana, Red Bull, Taruine, Tim Calhoun, Urinal, vodka, Zombie
“CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!”
You know what’s boring? Math and Science. Some people say they “like knowing what makes the world work” and “get a thrill from solving mathematical questions using logic and knowledge” but to that, we respond the way we responded to the kids who were good at Math and Science in Grade School.
Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself.
In actuality, these areas of study, especially Science, are pointless. Why should we care what an atom looks like? And why are you going to try to spin said atoms really fast in a giant tube, when that clearly is going to lead to the destruction of the entire planet? Really, the only thing part in science class we paid attention to was that thing on how genetic traits carry over from parents to children, because it sure came useful when our ex gave birth to that kid and we were able to know we didn’t have to pay child support because someone with blue eyes cannot have a kid with green eyes. Thanks, science! Screw you, Cindy!
But science does, every once in a while, go out of its way to do something to tell us, hey, AFFotD, Science can be pretty American too. While we do have a team of scientists on our staff who invent things like bologna flavored vodka and vodka flavored bologna, we usually use science just for the silly, inconsequential studies, and not for hard hitting facts that help inform us of the very nature of our American ways. Sure, we know how tadpoles respond to weightlessness in space, but does science ever study something that really matters? To us? Americans?
Apparently, the answer is, “Fuck yes, of course we do, get your heads out of your ass, AFFotD,” because scientists have spent government money and months of their lives devoted to examining how bugs act when they are drunk.
Not that kind of Bugs, but your head is in the right place
Posted in Fuck Nature, Strange Alcohol
Tagged Alcohol, America, American Pie, Beerfest, Bees, bologna, Bugs, drunk ants, drunk bugs, Edible Scorpions, Fruit Flies, Fuck Nature, Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Insects, Large Hadron Collider, Math, Science, Sir John Lubbock, Tarantula Hawk, vodka
“What’s that? 100th day of the year? Sure you can use that as a reason to drink today. You know what else you can use as a reason? THIS IS AMERICA DAMMIT!”
~Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD
Today is April 10th, which sources tell us, is the 100th day of the year. So, if your 2011 has been great, or terrible, either way that’s a cause to drink. And as as result, we’re going to do something very special at the America Fun Fact of the Day offices here today. We are going to let a separate AFFotD staffer inform you of what happened on previous April 10ths in America. Except most of them will be in various states of drunk. Don’t worry, we’ll let you know who you’re hearing from, and how much they’ve had to drink, and hopefully they’ll have done their research well enough that they’re not just drunkenly pulling shit out of their asses.
But then again, we can’t make any promises.
So, without further ado, here is…
The American History of April 10th in America (As Remembered By Drunk Americans)
Posted in Today in American History
Tagged 80's Music, Absinthe, AFFotD, Alcohol, America, Andrew Jackson, Benjamin Franklin, Cheetos, Chicago Blackhawks, Civil War, Don't Stop Believing, Drunk, Drunk Staff, Dueling, Eighteen Hundred and Froze to Death, Four Loko, Great Gatsby, Johnny Roosevelt, Journey, Mount Tambora, Patent System, Pittsburgh, Robert E. Lee, Stanley Cup, Super Volcano, The Wire, The Year Without a Summer, Titanic, Today in American History, Trumpet Flame Thrower
~People who like beer
One of the most common misconceptions in America can be found in the beers we consider to be “American.” Many assume that the Bud Lights of the world are the ultimate American beer, because they’re cheap, low quality, and people still buy the shit out of them. Except that most of the shitty beer, like Bud and Natty Ice, is from Anheuser-Busch InBev, based in…Belgium. The shit is that? Sure, Budweiser got its start in St. Louis, a city with a rich American history based around…uh…arches? But any attempt to forgive the low quality of Budweiser because, “Well, it’s an American beer,” flew right out the window.
“But there’s still Miller Lite, right? It’s Miller Time!”
Nope, that shit’s based out of England. Get your head out of your ass, American beer consumer.
Fortunately, the great bastion of American liquor resides in craft beers. While it has been established that going to a party with Milwaukee’s Best will likely result in you getting shot, if you go to a party with an American craft beer from a microbrewery, 90% of the people attending that party will get laid. True story. Craft brews, though more expensive, are delicious enough that you can find one that will be even be palatable for the girl at the party who keeps going on about how, “I don’t like beer,” as everyone else glares at her and silently judges the person who invited her. Plus, they tend to have two or even four times the alcohol content of your Budweisers and Millers out there. Better taste and more alcohol? How is that not more American?
The microbrew culture in America has gone from laughably poor to universally respected in a fairly short period. Sam Adams, Sierra Nevada, and Anchor Brewing helped reinvent the American brew, and since then many notable breweries have formed in America, making delicious, highly intoxicating beverages for Americans to get drunk on without nearly as bad of a hangover as you’d get from Icehouse.
While the beer industry has decreased by one percent this past year (we don’t know why this would be, we can only blame French immigrants) craft brews were up 11%, proving that more Americans appreciate the American notion of American made artisanal beers.
And we at AFFotD are sad to report that one of our classic American brewing institutions again has been assaulted by foreign powers. And while we are strangely powerless to stop it, at the very least we at AFFotD can take a moment to reflect in the passing of an old friend.
That’s right. Chicago microbrewery staple, Goose Island, has been purchased by Anheuser-Busch.
We’re all clearly very upset.
Posted in Beer!
Tagged Alcohol, America, Anchor Brewing, Beer, Belgium, Bourbon County Stout, Bud Light, Budweiser, Craft Beers, England, Goose Island, Icehouse, Microbrews, Miller Lite, Natty Ice, Sam Adams, Sierra Nevada, St. Louis
“Ah, I see you have a nail in your foot. Some heroin will cure that right up.”
~Like, just the best doctor ever, you guys, circa 1898
As a rule, the non-crazy members of American society don’t really question what doctors tell us to put in our body, unless the words “Hamster” and “Suppository” are involved. Got a rusty ticker? Swallow this white chalky square. Sinus infection? Rub some of this nasty smelling ointment on your chest. You just can’t make the jump from “Utility role player” and “Star slugger” on your professional baseball team? Just let this guy inject some “Vitamin B12” into your ass cheeks. It’s called plausible deniability, in case Congress ever asks.
But despite all the weird things we’ll just cram into our bodies without a second of hesitation (“Lupidemitrexeral? Why, I almost named my daughter that!”) the American pharmaceutical industry spends billions of dollars on development and research to make sure that their medicine won’t turn you into some sort of pig lizard. And once they hit that perfect, non-mutation-forming treatment of medical ailments, they’ll do us the favor of charging us out the ass for it. But we can’t fault them for that, hell we’ll applaud them for finding a way to make big bucks even when times are bad by feeding off our addiction to “living.” Prescription drugs can cost the arm and leg they were meant to treat because they work, and they work better than anything else at our disposal. Otherwise, those thousands of rabbits and rats died in those laboratories for nothing.
However, in America, things used to be a bit less “controlled” with “procedures in place to make sure you don’t take mercury for medicinal purposes.” Which was bad for sick people, but absolutely amazing for people who like to laugh at the mistakes of past generations. Because, come on, are you serious late 19th Century/early 20th Century!?
Damn, 15 cents? Who’s THEIR dealer?
Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, Drugs and Medicine
Tagged Alcohol, America, Charlie Sheen, Chloroform, cigarettes, Coca Wine, Cocaine, Doctors, Drugs, Heroin, Medicine, Pabst, Robert Downey Jr.
“Doctor, I have a question. Is it technically possible to, well, live…inside a bottle of liquor? Because if there’s a way, let me know, and I’ll just do that instead.”
Every so often, we at AFFotD imagine that you, our readers, ask aloud something along the lines of, “Hey, whichever AFFotD writer you’ve got on staff today, what is the craziest and most American idea you have ever heard of? Is it a bear-murder fueled cannon that shoots cheeseburgers? Or, like, a sex doll made out of ham? Or do you guys sometimes dream about making a hat that turns you into Robocop? Holy shit, I want all of those things I just mentioned right now.”
Well, to you, we’d say, first of all, back the fuck off, those are our ideas and our legal department is like, 90% certain that the copyright is going through any day now, so if we even hear a WHISPER about someone putting RoboCap out on the market, we will sue your ass. And secondly, uh, what a ridiculous question. Do you even understand how complicated it would be to make a hat that turned you into Robocop? Or how much time our creative department would take to come up with such an amazingly appropriate name for that as RoboCap? Yeah, that shit doesn’t just happen, so no, we never think about those awesomely crazy American ideas.
We do, however, think about BoozeTown.
Posted in Booze Facts, Drunk People
Tagged Alcohol, America, Batman, BoozeTown, Daniel Plainview, Las Vegas, Macaulay Culkin, Mel Johnson, Superman, There Will Be Blood, Three Sheets