Tag Archives: Charlie Sheen

Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#30-21—Fighters, Winners, and…Mike Brady?)

“Here’s a Story. Of a messed up movie. Where Mike Brady somehow became the President.”

~The Theme of The Brady Bunch in the White House, We Assume

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You have stuck with us for so long, and we’re honestly pretty impressed. When we decided we were going to rate every single fake President, we didn’t realize how much work it would be. It was so much work. And we know it’s been a lot of work for you. But we’re almost there. We promise. Here are more Presidents, and holy shit, why is The Brady Bunch here?

Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#30-21—Fighters, Winners, and…Mike Brady?)

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Blago Is Golden

“Something something FUCKING GOLDEN amiright?”

~60% of Late Night jokes in December 2008


If a self-important politician with a Napoleon complex, incredibly inflated self-esteem, and the propensity to swear like a motherfucking sailor becomes a public figure, the only reason we wouldn’t write about him is if we couldn’t find any stories about him drinking excessively.  But hey, if the sucker is going to jail we should probably talk about him.

That’s right, the man who we’d call “Fucking golden,” if it weren’t such an overused joke that it makes Charlie Sheen seem timely, Rob Blagojevich.

“Liiick”

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AFFotD’s Review of “Red Dawn”

“A million thumbs up!”

~A drunken Roger Ebert

Entertainment is always crafted with a certain audience in mind.  Joss Whedon creates TV shows and films to cater to feminists and nerds.  Michael Bay makes films for people who hate coherent plots but love boobs and bombs.  Ever since 2002, M. Night Shyamalan has been making films intended for recent stroke victims.

“Is that my daughter on the television tube?”

However, there is a special subset of films that are occasionally released that the AFFotD staff loves the most.  Obviously, these would be movies meant for true Americans.  While these movies are often properly lauded, occasionally they slip through the cracks, and instead of sweeping the Oscars get mediocre reviews from critics, despite being badass enough to warrant a “probably won’t be that good” remake.

We’re of course talking about the film Red Dawn, which will be reviewed in today’s issue of…

AFFotD’s Night at the Movies

Wolverines!

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April Fools, a History of Pranks

“Ha!  Your meatloaf has ground up glass in it!  April Fools’!”

~The World’s Best Prankster (now serving 25-to-life at a Federal Penitentiary)

Enjoy the seizures

The America Fun Fact of the Day office loves April Fools’.  That probably doesn’t come as much of a surprise to those of you who started reading while anxiously waiting for a terrifying monster face to pop up on the screen like those pranks that terrify little children on the youtube videos.  You, the reader, don’t have to be too concerned about any pranks in today’s post of course- we save most of our energy messing with local law enforcement and personal enemies.  Though, we did contaminate one batch of California grown spinach with a pretty nasty case of E. Coli, so next time you want to make spinach dip, and you start feeling like you need to go to the hospital, then April Fools’!  Ha ha!

Is it worth the risk?  Probably, that shit’s delicious

So don’t worry about being pranked while reading this, unless you’re reading this while peeling open a fresh naval orange (just one poisoned batch, that’s all it takes to panic the shit out of people).  And the ambulances might be tied up, depending on where you are, since most of our local branches have been performing “Shit the Joker did in The Dark Knight” type “pranks” all day long, so the emergency crews are going to have their hands full.  God, we love this day.

Ha haaa!

But we are not here to cause mischief to you, loyal readers.  In fact, we’re here to give you…

The America Fun Fact of the Day Guide to April Fools’ Day:  A History

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Ridiculous Drugs That Were Once Medicine: Part One

“Ah, I see you have a nail in your foot.  Some heroin will cure that right up.”

~Like, just the best doctor ever, you guys, circa 1898

As a rule, the non-crazy members of American society don’t really question what doctors tell us to put in our body, unless the words “Hamster” and “Suppository” are involved.  Got a rusty ticker?  Swallow this white chalky square.  Sinus infection?  Rub some of this nasty smelling ointment on your chest.  You just can’t make the jump from “Utility role player” and “Star slugger” on your professional baseball team?  Just let this guy inject some “Vitamin B12” into your ass cheeks.  It’s called plausible deniability, in case Congress ever asks.

But despite all the weird things we’ll just cram into our bodies without a second of hesitation (“Lupidemitrexeral?  Why, I almost named my daughter that!”) the American pharmaceutical industry spends billions of dollars on development and research to make sure that their medicine won’t turn you into some sort of pig lizard.  And once they hit that perfect, non-mutation-forming treatment of medical ailments, they’ll do us the favor of charging us out the ass for it.  But we can’t fault them for that, hell we’ll applaud them for finding a way to make big bucks even when times are bad by feeding off our addiction to “living.”  Prescription drugs can cost the arm and leg they were meant to treat because they work, and they work better than anything else at our disposal.  Otherwise, those thousands of rabbits and rats died in those laboratories for nothing.

However, in America, things used to be a bit less “controlled” with “procedures in place to make sure you don’t take mercury for medicinal purposes.”  Which was bad for sick people, but absolutely amazing for people who like to laugh at the mistakes of past generations.  Because, come on, are you serious late 19th Century/early 20th Century!?

Damn, 15 cents?  Who’s THEIR dealer?

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Hey, You Guys Hear About That Charlie Sheen Guy? We Know, Crazy, Right?

“Damn, this guy is GOOD…”

~Mel Gibson

AFFotD tries its best to stay topical.  We addressed the world to the dangers of blizzards just as the Midwest and the East Coast were being buried in ten foot snow drifts, while at the same time introducing the newest trendy bar beverage (Hot Bo-Co) that, we swear, is like two weeks from taking off.  We re-introduced the world to Teddy Roosevelt because he’s always relevant.  We talked about chewing gum, which is good for after you drink to the point of puking.  But today, AFFotD is going to try to go really recent, and rehash the conversations you had with all your coworkers yesterday.  That’s right, we’re going to celebrate the unique brand of American insanity that can only be seen in certain American celebrities.  And not just any celebrity, today AFFotD celebrates and documents the deconstruction of a man so thoroughly nuts he may go down as the craziest man in the history of Hollywood.  And we couldn’t be any prouder of him.  Take a bow, Charlie Sheen.

You’ve come a long way, kid

 There’s no need to chronicle the life and career of Charlie “Oh yeah, he did a couple good comedies in the 1990’s and then he started doing that shitty show” Sheen.  In fact, after his peak (Major League II/Hotshots) Sheen’s been seeing his America stock oscillate, but fall steadily.  He married the naked chick from Wild Things, but wasn’t able to hold onto her, and he diluted all American respect we can afford the man’s career by doing eight years of truly awful slop for Two and a Half Men, somehow becoming the highest paid actor on television, something so offensive to us that Kiefer Sutherland almost quit the AFFotD staff out of protest.  Because seriously, fuck that show.

And yet the very same people who are watching this are insisting that waterboarding is torture.

 While we cannot say that Charlie Sheen and his “Holy shit, you can tell where they tried to airbrush away the crazy in the above picture” career distinguishes him to be a true American, we can at least relish in America’s ability to create such a glorious example of insanity, vanity, and, just, like so many drugs, you guys.  A man who his both crazier and less qualified to run a youth hockey league team than his brother, Emilio Estevez, yet is somehow far more rich and famous.

So let’s go through the fame, fortune, drugs, and crazy that is Charlie Sheen, an insane abomination America molded so the rest of us could all have a nice laugh at the man’s expense.

Warning:  If you are pregnant, nursing, have a heart condition, are allergic to penicillin, or once had a really bad LSD trip that you sometimes still have nightmares about, you may want to do yourself a favor and skip to the picture of the puppies at the end of this article.  Go ahead, we won’t hold it against you.

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