“Mom, do you want my green stuff?”
~Matt Damon’s Actual First Line of Dialogue in a Film, Ever
Outside of winning the lottery or having a trust fund, success typically is earned through hard work and dedication. You have to start from somewhere. That’s most easily noticeable in the careers of actors, who work their way up to reach stardom and, as a result, tend to have some strange and unusual roles in their early acting days. For as much as gossip magazine try to emphasize “Stars go grocery shopping, JUST LIKE US!” they’re probably better off demonstrating that sentiment by, say, showing Ben Affleck do a Burger King commercial before he got famous.
Even the actors who seemingly broke out of nowhere had to put in their dues, and that American quality for hard work is something we support, even when we go out of our way to find the most embarrassing early career film choices of famous people in order to poke fun at them.
So let’s find the most embarrassing early career film choices of famous people in order to make fun of them.
The Most Hilarious Debut Film Appearances of Famous Actors
Okay, now that’s just kicking someone when they’re down.
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Posted in Strange America
Tagged Actors, America, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Benicio Del Toro, Film Debuts, Hercules, Hollywood, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Kevin Costner, Liam Neeson, Movies, Patrick Swayze, Pee Wee Herman, Sylvester Stallone
“What are you talking about, this movie is hilarious!”
~Extremely drunk people watching the following
There’s an old saying in Hollywood that goes, “We’re in the business of making dreams. And when those dreams can be repurposed after the fact for additional profit, we’re in the business of brutally violating and mangling those dreams to remind you that nothing is sacred and your childhood is long dead and gone and the world is a cruel place driven by cold logic.” It’s a little wordy, sure, but when you truly take that sentiment to heart you can finally make sense of the fact that our weird and brief obsession with the “Yo Quiero Taco Bell” dog abstractly helped spawn not one, not two, but three fucking Beverly Hills Chihuahua films.
For as long as we’ve had movies that we love, we’ve had sequels to those movies that take different actors, directors, and writers that served as nothing but direct-to-video cash grabs from bored studio executives. Yes, there are instances where the sequel is arguably even better than the original, but for every Godfather: Part II there are a dozen Return of Jafars. And while we all are painfully aware of the mega blockbuster sequels that make, essentially, all the money while being objectively horrible (looking at you, Spider-Man 3) you’d be surprised at how many of your favorite films were sequeled (shut up, it’s a word) without you having the slightest idea of their existence.
Yes, they’re awful. Often hilariously so. That’s why we’re let’s get the largest bottle of the strongest liquor that’s within reach and get drunk together as we discuss…
America’s Comically Awful Sequels (You Didn’t Know Existed)
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Posted in Miscellaneous America, Strange America
Tagged Aladdin, America, American Psycho, American Psycho 2, awful movie sequels, Awful sequels, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Blues Brothers 2000, Caddyshack 2, Christopher Reeves, Grease, Grease 2, John Travolta, Judd Hirsch, Mean Girls, Mean Girls 2, Michelle Pfeiffer, Mila Kunis, Movies, Patrick Bateman, Patrick Swayze, Road House, Road House 2, Saturday Night Fever, Sequels, Staying Alive, Steve McQueen, That Thing Y ou Do, The Great Escape, The Great Escape II, Wililam Shatner, Yo Quiero Taco Bell
“A million thumbs up!”
~A drunken Roger Ebert
Entertainment is always crafted with a certain audience in mind. Joss Whedon creates TV shows and films to cater to feminists and nerds. Michael Bay makes films for people who hate coherent plots but love boobs and bombs. Ever since 2002, M. Night Shyamalan has been making films intended for recent stroke victims.
“Is that my daughter on the television tube?”
However, there is a special subset of films that are occasionally released that the AFFotD staff loves the most. Obviously, these would be movies meant for true Americans. While these movies are often properly lauded, occasionally they slip through the cracks, and instead of sweeping the Oscars get mediocre reviews from critics, despite being badass enough to warrant a “probably won’t be that good” remake.
We’re of course talking about the film Red Dawn, which will be reviewed in today’s issue of…
AFFotD’s Night at the Movies
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Posted in The Rest of Them
Tagged AFFotD at the Movies, America, Caroline in the City, Charlie Sheen, Jennifer Grey, Joss Whedon, M. Night Shyamalan, Michael Bay, Patrick Swayze, Powers Boothe, Red Dawn, Roger Ebert, Signs