“Update: for the right price u can put anything in a keg”
~Actual Yahoo Answers User
Everyone loves kegs because they represent, essentially, unlimited beer. Do you know how much beer you can get from a single keg? If you go with a half barrel, you’ve got yourself 165 bottles of beer. That’s so much beer for just a few people—let’s be honest, most of the time you get one of those suckers for a party, unless it’s a barnburner, you’re not going to use the whole keg (challenge accepted).
But at least drinking an entire keg of beer seems doable. Sure, you have to deal with a shitload of beer, but you can handle that. It’s beer. Beer can be drunk, lots of it, in a short period of time. But did you know that we put other things in kegs? Other…strange things? Well we do. Not all of them were particularly thought through, though.
The Five Most Ridiculous Beverages That Come in Kegs
“Hangover? I hardly even KNOW her! Ha ha ha, oh, I’m an awful president.”
The founding entry of our new segment entitled “America’s Drunkest Presidents” was about George Washington, our founding father. We basically took one of our greatest presidents in history, and talked about how was also one of the greatest drinking president in history, because we are legally obligated to talk up George Washington and ignore some of that not-so-cool–oh-shit-don’t-click-these-links stuff. That said, he was an impressive drinker, which we’re super thankful for since the idea of a teetotaler as our badass founding General is too much for us to take. However, even though it worked out that way the first time, this segment is not called “America’s Best Drunk Presidents.” It is just “America’s Drunkest Presidents.”
We want to make that clarification before we go ahead and tell you about arguably the best drinking president we’ve ever had. But as good as he was at drinking (and, you’ll see, he was super good at it) he was pretty much the polar opposite at presidenting (just, so bad, you guys.)
So let’s talk about James Buchanan, the very drunk, but no good, 17th president of the United States.
America’s Drunkest Presidents: James Buchanan
“Listen, it’s the 18th century, you’d drink to chase the boredom too.”
America loves drinking so much that a bunch of people set us aside and said, “America, we think you may have a problem,” and actively banned the entire nation from drinking booze. And our response to that was to say, “In the entire history of our nation, we have never repealed an amendment. Until now, GIVE US BACK OUR BOOZE YOU ASSHATS.” That’s history to be proud of, and it’s no surprise that many of the greatest figures behind this, the greatest country in the world, are also some of history’s greatest drinkers.
That is why it is our duty, and frankly our pleasure, to introduce the latest running series to America Fun Fact of the Day. Welcome to America’s Drunkest Presidents, where we look at the drinking habits of our greatest presidents and tell you which ones were the drunkest. This is important work we’re doing here. This is God’s work. One nation under God. One nation under drunk. Like, like the, you know. Like the Pledge of Allegiance? Only, Okay, cards on the table, we’re pretty soused right now.
Let’s start with our first president, who spent more money on booze in a year than most people do in a decade.
America’s Drunkest Presidents: George Washington
Posted in Alcohol, Giver of Life, America Fun Fact of the Day, Drunk People, Our Greatest Presidents, Washington
Tagged America, America's Drunkest Presidents, Beer, Ciderjack, Drunk Presidents, George WAshington, Madeira, Revolutionary War, Whiskey, Wine
“A sumally what? Oh you mean a wine guy?”
~American Fine Restaurant Diners
French people are only good at two things—being snobby, and making wine. They’re also good at being made fun of by Americans, but that’s really us being good at something than anything else. Sure, the French didn’t invent wine, but you can argue they invented fine wine, which is why even the staunchest of Americans allow themselves to order wine by using French terms such as “Pinot Noir” and “Cabernet Sauvignon” and “Franzia with some ice cubes, please.” They even created a profession that consists of knowing every kind of wine and telling people what kind of food goes well with what kind of wine. You might call such a person “a wine guy” or “look at this smug Frenchie fuck” but they are actually called sommeliers, and the process of becoming one is surprisingly exhaustive and difficult as far as “jobs about booze” go.
Sommeliers are experts in all things about wine, including food pairings, service, and descriptions. A sommelier might find themselves in charge of developing wine lists, training staff, and pretty much anything that a restaurant might need done to or with their wine, and becoming one takes months of training and thousands of dollars spent on mandatory classes and tests. It is only for the most dedicated wine aficionados.
Or at least it was. Because apparently, people have gone ahead and become sommeliers for…well, some pretty stupid shit. Here are some sommeliers who are absolutely ridicuolous.
The Dumbest Types of Sommeliers That Actually Exist
Posted in Alcohol, Giver of Life, America Fun Fact of the Day, Strange Foods
Tagged America, Coffee, Heatonist, Hot Sauce, Martin Riese, olive oil, Pop, Soda, soft drinks, Sommelier, vodka, Water, Water Sommelier, Wine
“Wait, without Budweiser, that means I’ll have to drink a better beer, which is literally any other beer.”
~America in 1976
Even when we’re screeching harpies hating on everything you love (which, apparently, solely consists of fucking ALDI, you goddamn lunatics of the internet) we are at least aware of the hatred we’re spewing. For example—many Americans like Budweiser. Like, they buy it, and drink it, and describe the flavor as something better than “remember that kid who would always sit alone and chew grass during recess? We’re pretty sure he’s now the brewmaster for Anheuser-Busch” and that’s fine. Let your freak flag fly, enjoy getting full before getting drunk and, we don’t know, unironically wearing trucker hats, it’s your life and do what makes you happy. We’re putting that out there because, invariably, every time we talk about Budweiser (which fucking sucks) an army of mouth breathers flock to the comments section to respond to our (correct) point (that Budweiser is trash). They say things like “Hey! Asshole! I like Budweiser!” (literally the only valid argument you have) or “Listen Mr. Fancy Beers, go back to your IPAs and your porters or whatever” (which inevitably is brought up in the articles where we never once mention IPAs or porters).
So, we know two things here. First of all, we know that we have a fun fact that most of you are unaware of. And secondly, we know that many of you will be absolutely fucking livid at the tone we take to tell you about it (that tone being “Budweiser is like if someone drank gutter water and thought ‘if only this could get me a slight buzz’”) (which is the correct tone). And we say bring it on. Budweiser is trash, no one should drink it, and for a brief moment in 1976, a group of Teamsters actually managed to make that happen. This is their story.
Unsung Heroes: The Budweiser Beer Strike of 1976
“Guys. It’s beer. You’re overthinking it.”
~Brewers to their marketing departments
Beer pretty much sells itself. The only reason no beer company has the tagline of “Drink This And You’ll Feel Good And The Rest Of Your High School Classmates Will Think You’re Totally Cool” is that society has too many lawyers, man. Not surprisingly, then, beer is hugely popular, and with the current boon in craft breweries in America there has never been a better time to be a beer enthusiast. However, this popularity also means a crowded marketplace. Gone are the days where you can open up a brewery in your garage, make a decent IPA, and expect to watch your business soar because, guess what, there are 4,000 other breweries out there that just made an IPA that tastes just like yours. You gotta sex it up to stand out.
Unfortunately, or fortunately for fans of weird beer news, this means that we are constantly being exposed to brewery gimmicks meant to drum up some free publicity by doing something “totally out there” to their beer. It’s the reason why you can drink Pizza Beer, Donut beers, or beer brewed with bull testicles.
And so far, 2016 has seen this trend continue. So we’re going to let you know about some of the more out there beers that have come out in the past 8 months or so, because we like to reward pure insanity from our breweries.
Strangest Beer Gimmicks: June 2016 Edition
“This election season, call Budweiser ‘America’”
~No, We’re Not Going To Fucking Do That
Yesterday, Budweiser sent newsfeeds everywhere a-buzzing with the craaazy news that starting on May 23rd, all cans of Budweiser sold in the United States will instead say “America” in their iconic font. Basically, you can “order an American” at the bar if you really want to see how many times your bartender can hear a person chortle at the same poorly formed semi-dad joke before they finally snap and burn the place to the fucking ground. This is a bit of an extension of previous years when Budweiser changed their packaging in the summer to more patriotic can designs, but it’s the first time they’ve actually removed their brand name to place the name of this great nation on it. You would think we would be enthused by such raw support of all things American.
You would be wrong.
To address this, we will cede the floor to Johnny Roosevelt, the Editor-in-Chief of America Fun Fact of the Day, who last took the time to personally address you all last summer when he spent 2,500 words personally insulting a rich egomaniac with a history of assault and an extensive gun collection. Surprisingly he’s still alive to let you know why Budweiser is wrong and bad for trying to get you to call it America. Take it away, chief.
Johnny Roosevelt Speaks: Do Not Call Budweiser “America” No Matter What The Can Tells You
“Wait, I don’t understand. It’s alcohol that I DON’T want inside me?”
~A Confused Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief
In the past, we’ve written a fair amount on strange and disgusting vodkas as proof that not all American innovations in letting 17-year-olds get drunk on things that don’t taste like burning necessarily are winners. But those are just vodkas with gross flavors. A neutral spirit, flavored to taste like bubble gum or cactus or whatever the fuck isn’t nearly as novel as it was maybe eight years ago. Now, that shit’s everywhere, and you don’t even blink at seeing fruit loops flavored vodka.
The perverse flavoring of other types of liquor, however, is uncharted territory. And, considering how long we’ve had to figure out what kinds of liquor actually taste good (there’s a reason why soju is the largest selling alcohol in the world, but we have enough sense to make it next to impossible to find because soju is garbage) it’s probably not too surprising that in our quest to find new liquor ideas, we’ve stumbled across some terrifying misses.
These are those misses.
The Worst Flavored Liquor Ideas
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, Strange Alcohol
Tagged America, Bols Natural Toghurt Liquer, Douglas Fir Eu de Vie, gross flavors, Karate Cowboy, Liquor, Malibu Red, Malort, tequila, Tequila Rose
“Yes, yes, watch Budweiser Burn.”
~Fans of Good Beer
Back in 2012, we wrote an article listing the 10 top selling beers in America. We made the point that these beers, which include Natural Light, Busch, and a red cup of stale keg beer from last night’s party that inexplicably has a Band-Aid in it Bud Light are, in the general sense of the term, ass-numbingly awful. Some of you read this and said, “Yes, these are bad beers” because you like to use the internet as a safe space for correct and well-reasoned mindsets. Some of you read it and said, “Fuck you and your IPAs, GIMME AN ICE COLD BUD” which was both disappointing because someone singed off your taste buds as a child, and surprising because we never once talked about IPAs in the entire article.
In the four years since the publication of our scathing exposé, a lot has changed in America. We have a black president now (*terrified intern scrambles and whispers in our ear*) okay we apparently had a black president in 2012 too, but either way more Americans are making a point to drink good beers, and are starting to steer away from the beer companies that see their sales numbers plummeting and have to resort to commercials saying, “DRINK OUR BEER, YA PUSSIES.”
So naturally, when 247wallst.com came out with an article titled “10 Beers Americans no longer Drink” we were enthralled to see that the beers on this list, which documents the beers with the largest sales drop from 2009-2014, are beers that America should actively be drinking less of. It’s articles like this that make us feel like we’re finally being heard as Americans who want other Americans to stop drinking shitty swill, or at least to get get drunk enough that it doesn’t matter what they’re drinking before switching to it. And because the major sites that picked up the story weirdly decided to copy/paste only a handful of list items as a weird way to combine stealing someone else’s work while not going through the effort to give you a complete list, we’re going to post the full top 10 list list, only instead of looking into “market trends” or whatever, we’ll just focus on how these beers are bad, and how it’s a good thing that you’re no longer drinking them.
Good Job America! The 10 Beers Americans No Longer Drink (Are Awful)
Posted in Beer!
Tagged #BanCorona, 10 Beers Americans No Longer Drink, America, bad beer, Beer, Bud Light Lime, Budweiser, Corona, macro beer, MGD, Miller Genuine Draft, Miller High Life, Milwaukee's Best, Milwaukee's Best Light, Natty Light, Natural Light, Old Milwaukee, Tecate, The Beast
“Ain’t no party like a West Point party ‘cause a West Point party’s got drunks.”
As long as there has been Christmas, there have been Christmas parties. And as long as there have been Christmas parties, there have been Christmas parties where you wake up the next morning thinking ugh, what have I done? But we can say with relative certainty that even your worst drunken office shenanigans paled in comparison to what happened at the United States military Academy in West Point on 1826 because, as much as you shouldn’t have made out with your office’s married secretary, at least you never had a Christmas party go so bad it caused a fucking mutinous riot. Let’s talk history, people.
The Eggnog Riot Happened, And Was Absurd
Posted in 19th Century Factoids, Alcohol, Giver of Life, Strange America
Tagged America, Christmas, Christmas Party, Christmas Party Gone Wrong, Colonel Sylvanus Thayer, Eggnog Riot, Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee, West Point