Category Archives: Alcohol, Giver of Life

Alcohol is soooo delicious.

“How delicious is it?”

Shut the fuck up, we’re drinking here.

The Dumbest Types of Sommeliers That Actually Exist

“A sumally what?  Oh you mean a wine guy?”

~American Fine Restaurant Diners

sommolier

French people are only good at two things—being snobby, and making wine.  They’re also good at being made fun of by Americans, but that’s really us being good at something than anything else.  Sure, the French didn’t invent wine, but you can argue they invented fine wine, which is why even the staunchest of Americans allow themselves to order wine by using French terms such as “Pinot Noir” and “Cabernet Sauvignon” and “Franzia with some ice cubes, please.”  They even created a profession that consists of knowing every kind of wine and telling people what kind of food goes well with what kind of wine.  You might call such a person “a wine guy” or “look at this smug Frenchie fuck” but they are actually called sommeliers, and the process of becoming one is surprisingly exhaustive and difficult as far as “jobs about booze” go.

Sommeliers are experts in all things about wine, including food pairings, service, and descriptions.  A sommelier might find themselves in charge of developing wine lists, training staff, and pretty much anything that a restaurant might need done to or with their wine, and becoming one takes months of training and thousands of dollars spent on mandatory classes and tests.  It is only for the most dedicated wine aficionados.

Or at least it was.  Because apparently, people have gone ahead and become sommeliers for…well, some pretty stupid shit.  Here are some sommeliers who are absolutely ridicuolous.

The Dumbest Types of Sommeliers That Actually Exist

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Unsung Heroes: The Budweiser Beer Strike of 1976

“Wait, without Budweiser, that means I’ll have to drink a better beer, which is literally any other beer.”

~America in 1976

budweiser

Even when we’re screeching harpies hating on everything you love (which, apparently, solely consists of fucking ALDI, you goddamn lunatics of the internet) we are at least aware of the hatred we’re spewing.  For example—many Americans like Budweiser.  Like, they buy it, and drink it, and describe the flavor as something better than “remember that kid who would always sit alone and chew grass during recess?  We’re pretty sure he’s now the brewmaster for Anheuser-Busch” and that’s fine.  Let your freak flag fly, enjoy getting full before getting drunk and, we don’t know, unironically wearing trucker hats, it’s your life and do what makes you happy.  We’re putting that out there because, invariably, every time we talk about Budweiser (which fucking sucks) an army of mouth breathers flock to the comments section to respond to our (correct) point (that Budweiser is trash).  They say things like “Hey!  Asshole! I like Budweiser!” (literally the only valid argument you have) or “Listen Mr. Fancy Beers, go back to your IPAs and your porters or whatever” (which inevitably is brought up in the articles where we never once mention IPAs or porters).

So, we know two things here.  First of all, we know that we have a fun fact that most of you are unaware of.  And secondly, we know that many of you will be absolutely fucking livid at the tone we take to tell you about it (that tone being “Budweiser is like if someone drank gutter water and thought ‘if only this could get me a slight buzz’”) (which is the correct tone).  And we say bring it on.  Budweiser is trash, no one should drink it, and for a brief moment in 1976, a group of Teamsters actually managed to make that happen.  This is their story.

Unsung Heroes:  The Budweiser Beer Strike of 1976

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Strangest Beer Gimmicks: June 2016 Edition

“Guys.  It’s beer.  You’re overthinking it.”

~Brewers to their marketing departments

pizza beer

Beer pretty much sells itself.  The only reason no beer company has the tagline of “Drink This And You’ll Feel Good And The Rest Of Your High School Classmates Will Think You’re Totally Cool” is that society has too many lawyers, man.  Not surprisingly, then, beer is hugely popular, and with the current boon in craft breweries in America there has never been a better time to be a beer enthusiast.  However, this popularity also means a crowded marketplace.  Gone are the days where you can open up a brewery in your garage, make a decent IPA, and expect to watch your business soar because, guess what, there are 4,000 other breweries out there that just made an IPA that tastes just like yours.  You gotta sex it up to stand out.

Unfortunately, or fortunately for fans of weird beer news, this means that we are constantly being exposed to brewery gimmicks meant to drum up some free publicity by doing something “totally out there” to their beer.  It’s the reason why you can drink Pizza Beer, Donut beers, or beer brewed with bull testicles.

And so far, 2016 has seen this trend continue.  So we’re going to let you know about some of the more out there beers that have come out in the past 8 months or so, because we like to reward pure insanity from our breweries.

Strangest Beer Gimmicks:  June 2016 Edition

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Do Not Call Budweiser “America” No Matter What The Can Tells You

“This election season, call Budweiser ‘America’

~No, We’re Not Going To Fucking Do That

 budweiser

Yesterday, Budweiser sent newsfeeds everywhere a-buzzing with the craaazy news that starting on May 23rd, all cans of Budweiser sold in the United States will instead say “America” in their iconic font.  Basically, you can “order an American” at the bar if you really want to see how many times your bartender can hear a person chortle at the same poorly formed semi-dad joke before they finally snap and burn the place to the fucking ground.  This is a bit of an extension of previous years when Budweiser changed their packaging in the summer to more patriotic can designs, but it’s the first time  they’ve actually removed their brand name to place the name of this great nation on it.  You would think we would be enthused by such raw support of all things American.

You would be wrong.

To address this, we will cede the floor to Johnny Roosevelt, the Editor-in-Chief of America Fun Fact of the Day, who last took the time to personally address you all last summer when he spent 2,500 words personally insulting a rich egomaniac with a history of assault and an extensive gun collection.  Surprisingly he’s still alive to let you know why Budweiser is wrong and bad for trying to get you to call it America.  Take it away, chief.

Johnny Roosevelt Speaks: Do Not Call Budweiser “America” No Matter What The Can Tells You

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The Worst Flavored Liquor Ideas

“Wait, I don’t understand.  It’s alcohol that I DON’T want inside me?”

~A Confused Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

 snake booze

In the past, we’ve written a fair amount on strange and disgusting vodkas as proof that not all American innovations in letting 17-year-olds get drunk on things that don’t taste like burning necessarily are winners.  But those are just vodkas with gross flavors.  A neutral spirit, flavored to taste like bubble gum or cactus or whatever the fuck isn’t nearly as novel as it was maybe eight years ago.  Now, that shit’s everywhere, and you don’t even blink at seeing fruit loops flavored vodka.

The perverse flavoring of other types of liquor, however, is uncharted territory.  And, considering how long we’ve had to figure out what kinds of liquor actually taste good (there’s a reason why soju is the largest selling alcohol in the world, but we have enough sense to make it next to impossible to find because soju is garbage) it’s probably not too surprising that in our quest to find new liquor ideas, we’ve stumbled across some terrifying misses.

These are those misses.

The Worst Flavored Liquor Ideas

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Good Job America! The 10 Beers Americans No Longer Drink (Are Awful)

“Yes, yes, watch Budweiser Burn.”

~Fans of Good Beer

bad beer

Back in 2012, we wrote an article listing the 10 top selling beers in America.  We made the point that these beers, which include Natural Light, Busch, and a red cup of stale keg beer from last night’s party that inexplicably has a Band-Aid in it Bud Light are, in the general sense of the term, ass-numbingly awful.  Some of you read this and said, “Yes, these are bad beers” because you like to use the internet as a safe space for correct and well-reasoned mindsets.  Some of you read it and said, “Fuck you and your IPAs, GIMME AN ICE COLD BUD” which was both disappointing because someone singed off your taste buds as a child, and surprising because we never once talked about IPAs in the entire article.

In the four years since the publication of our scathing exposé, a lot has changed in America.  We have a black president now (*terrified intern scrambles and whispers in our ear*) okay we apparently had a black president in 2012 too, but either way more Americans are making a point to drink good beers, and are starting to steer away from the beer companies that see their sales numbers plummeting and have to resort to commercials saying, “DRINK OUR BEER, YA PUSSIES.”

So naturally, when 247wallst.com came out with an article titled “10 Beers Americans no longer Drink” we were enthralled to see that the beers on this list, which documents the beers with the largest sales drop from 2009-2014, are beers that America should actively be drinking less of.  It’s articles like this that make us feel like we’re finally being heard as Americans who want other Americans to stop drinking shitty swill, or at least to get get drunk enough that it doesn’t matter what they’re drinking before switching to it.  And because the major sites that picked up the story weirdly decided to copy/paste only a handful of list items as a weird way to combine stealing someone else’s work while not going through the effort to give you a complete list, we’re going to post the full top 10 list list, only instead of looking into “market trends” or whatever, we’ll just focus on how these beers are bad, and how it’s a good thing that you’re no longer drinking them.

Good Job America!  The 10 Beers Americans No Longer Drink (Are Awful)

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The Eggnog Riot Happened, And Was Absurd

“Ain’t no party like a West Point party ‘cause a West Point party’s got drunks.”

~Jefferson Davis

eggnog riot

As long as there has been Christmas, there have been Christmas parties.  And as long as there have been Christmas parties, there have been Christmas parties where you wake up the next morning thinking ugh, what have I done?  But we can say with relative certainty that even your worst drunken office shenanigans paled in comparison to what happened at the United States military Academy in West Point on 1826 because, as much as you shouldn’t have made out with your office’s married secretary, at least you never had a Christmas party go so bad it caused a fucking mutinous riot.  Let’s talk history, people.

The Eggnog Riot Happened, And Was Absurd

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An AFFotd Exclusive: Robert Stewart and the 1.00 BAC

“I’m not proud of it by no means but after that night and my hospital bills it would be nice to get something else out of it.  Lol.”

~Robert Stewart

beer hat

Listen.  We’re not exactly breakers of news around these parts.  We hear about things, we let you know them, and  we dig through the internet’s murkier basements to find about high alcohol beers or cotton candy flavored vodkas, but this isn’t exactly the Washington Post here.  The closest we come to breaking news is when we purposely misrepresent a news article because we’re feeling like being kind of dickish that particular day.  We’re not the kind of site that people go to when they want to be the first to hear about some Earth shattering development, though we’d not mind being the kind of site that people would offer free beers to so we can review them for them (hint hint, America).

That’s why we’re writing a quick AFFotD in order to tell you about an edit we recently made to one of our more popular article thanks to an email sent in by an intrepid reader.  He informed us that our article, at the time listing the eight highest BAC readings of all time, was a bit inaccurate, because he had just the previous weekend drank himself to a healthy (editor’s note: no the opposite of that word you just used) 1.00 BAC, meaning that a full 1% of all the blood in his body was alcohol.

bud select

To put it in perspective, his BLOOD was about half as alcoholic as this beer.

Do we know if this is true?  No.  Is it true?  Eh, we hope, maybe.  He wanted us to use his real name, he gave us his details of the day (our main concerns are that he remembers what he drank a bit too well and, honestly, that the email address he sent to us lists a different name than the one he told us to use for the article).   But we so rarely get a chance to break a story!  So anyway, here is the story of Kentucky resident Robert Stewart, which is possibly his real name or it’s possibly someone who really likes Rob Stewart taking us for a fucking ride, but yeah.  Our exclusive story about a 1.00 BAC.

Editor’s note:  At this point it should go without saying that this is not something you should ever try to match, because you will die.  Actively die.  Not, ha ha, oh man, this much booze will kill you, ha ha ha, no we mean it, HALF of this booze is what most doctors refer to as a lethal fucking blood alcohol content, so, like, just drink until you black out and stop there, okay?

An AFFotd Exclusive:  Robert Stewart and the 1.00 BAC

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America’s Strangest Alcohol-Infused Food Items

“Oh you son of a bitch.”

~Teetotalers We’ve Tricked Into Eating Alcoholic Food

beer chicken

Around these parts, our staff has a potentially unhealthy infatuation with combining two of the most American forms of consumption—eating and drinking—into inventive ways to get drunk without even having to drink anything.  Why do we want to take drinking out of the equation?  We don’t, drinking is wonderful, but we feel that there’s no such thing as too many ways to cram alcohol into your poor decisions, which is why we’re always around to champion such innovations as deep fried alcohol, and also why we’re going to try to be the first people to get hospitalized by eating that new powdered alcohol stuff straight from the box, just the powder.

Now, we’ve previously talked about food being used to make alcohol—specifically, meat beers that are brewed with actual animal meat, because ha ha vegetarians your lifestyle is one that our evolution has actively discouraged.  Now it’s only fitting to go the other direction, and talk about alcohol being used to make food.  All of these meals and desserts exist in America for your consumption, created by heroes who looked at a dinner plate and thought, “You know what?  Let’s get drunk off that, no matter how weird of an idea it might seem.”

America’s Strangest Alcohol-Infused Food Items

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AFFotD News Item of the Month: Bud Light Mixxtail Cocktails

“Forsake your God, because all that lies herein is death and fire and petulance, and none can save you, none shall live.”

~Official Budweiser Press Release

 mixxtail

Listen, America, this shit is important.  You need to start ignoring Budweiser.  We’re already on the way to phasing out Budweiser, with 44% of drinkers aged 21 to 27 having never had a Bud in their wonderfully enriched lives, but we’re getting to the point where Budweiser is going to do its best to get your attention, and you mustn’t let it.  Much like a misbehaving child or, more accurately, an emotionally unstable ex who keeps sending you messages no matter what you do, Budweiser is going to get more and more loud with their terrible, awful beerness before they start to fade away.  It’s going to take a long time, but we have to do whatever we can to ignore Budweiser’s “U Out?  I’m not wareing undrware ;P” texts while we can, because the company has clearly gone insane and there’s no sign of them letting up for now, and our only course of action is to close our eyes and hope they go away.

In 2011, Anheuser-Busch purchased Goose Island in their attempt to corner a market that saw more and more Americans shunning Budweiser for beer that, you know, tastes good.  The following year, they brought forth Bud Light Platinum, which you might know as “why does my beer taste like someone drizzled like, three sips worth of vodka in here?”  2012 also saw the creation of the Lime-a-Rita, which is a great way for people who don’t like alcohol to remind themselves that they really need to sit down and reevaluate their lives.

lime a rita

“I like it because it’s fruity, but it still can get you drunk, and oh God how did I end up passed out in a Walmart?”

Lately, Budweiser has been playing the role of the petulant child, spending millions of dollars to shout at Americans for “tasting” their beer instead of “drinking it” during the Super Bowl which, frankly, sounds like the kind of thing you’d hear Joe Rogan say as encouragement to a contestant of Fear Factor during the gross-out food part of the show. “Don’t taste it!  Just eat it!  If you manage not to puke you go on to the next round!”

Which brings us to the latest shout of “Mommy mommy look what I can do” that is set to be released on February 16th (oh darn, it’ll just miss Valentine’s Day, huh?) and also our latest totally-not-monthly installment of…

AFFotD News Item of the Month: Bud Light Mixxtail Cocktails

mixxxtaillll

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