“Wait, it’s been over a year since we wrote about The Mountain? Shit, get on it, gentlemen!”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
We normally start off these columns saying, “By now, you probably know our relationship with The Mountain” but, in all actuality, we’ve sort of let things slip a bit in the AFFotD offices. Normally, two, three, fuck it, four times a year, we’d see that The Mountain had a new Big Face line of shirts, or a Holiday series, and just talk about the glorious insanity that are the shirt designs made by the company that brought you a lot of funny amazon.com user reviews. Sometimes, the head of the company (no seriously) would even check in to either snark at us or joke along with us in response to our articles. Is this what being famous is like? Probably not! But either way, we always tried to check in with our pals at The Mountain to see what new brands of insanity they wanted to cover people’s man boobs with.
We weren’t particularly great about that in 2014, which is why when we went to The Mountain to see what’s up, we were greeted with a whole slew of T-shirts we hadn’t seen before. So, naturally, it was time for us to pick out some of the more meth-is-a-helluva-drug ones and let you know about them. Get ready, folks, these get a little weird.
The 2014 T-Shirt Line From The Mountain (Retrospectively)
“Let’s see them sleigh bells ring-a-ling, jing-jing-jing-a-ling too/ Come on it’s a lovely weather for WHO ARE YOU YOU ARE FULL OF SPIDERS I AM BECOME DEATH DESTROYER OF METH.”
~The Mountain’s Most Recent Holiday Jingle
Last week, we could barely contain our excitement that The Mountain had released a holiday collection, combining Christmas cheer with the best shirts for absorbing Robitussin stains. Any time we get an opportunity to write snarky-but-honestly-we-love-them-so-it’s-all-in-jest articles about Big Face Animal shirts is a special occasion for us, so you can only imagine how thrilled we were to open our email to see the following message greeting us after last week’s post.
Again, to members of The Mountain reading this, we’re not above accepting free samples.
Anyway, as previously mentioned, the glory of The Mountain’s holiday collection could not dare be contained in a single fun fact, so we’re here to double your pleasure, and double your fun, or at least double your desire to find the nearest gas station that still sells Sparks. And to you readers out there, if you see a shirt you un-ironically (or, for many of you, let’s be honest here, ironically) want to purchase, feel free to email us asking for the URL that we literally put in the first sentence of our article. No, seriously, do that, it would make our day.
The Mountain’s Holiday Shirt Collection (Part 2)
Posted in America's Holidays, Big Face Animal Shirts
Tagged America, Big Face Animal, Christmas, Holiday, orangutan, Penguin, Robitussin, Rudolph, squirrell, The Mountain
“Dashing through the snow, taking all the meth, look at these T-shirts, they truly are the best, HO HO HO!”
~Official Holiday Jingle Of The Mountain
We love The Mountain, purveyors of the Three Wolf Moon shirt and Big Face Animal shirts. We’ve taken it upon ourselves to show off their designs every time they release a new collection, because there’s nothing more fashionable than a giant both-realistic-and-cartoonish-at-the-same-time face bursting out of your chest, and we love wearing shirts that encourage us to spill booze and chicken grease on ourselves without feeling an iota of shame or remorse.
So do we have a treat for you. With Thanksgiving in the rear view mirror, Christmas just a few short weeks away, and Hanukkah oh God Hanukkah has already started you might have to pay extra for overnight shipping to make sure you can order these shirts for your family in time, what better holiday gift can you hope for than the latest “available in size XXXL” offering from our favorite insane T-shirt makers?
The Mountain’s Holiday Shirt Collection
Posted in America's Holidays, Big Face Animal Shirts
Tagged America, Big Face Animal, Christmas, grumpy cat, Hanukkah, Meth, Polar Bear, Robitussin, Roboating, Rudolph, Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, Santa Claus, Sloths, The Mountain, Three Wolves Shirt
“If you DON’T own the ‘Three Wolves Howling At The Moon’ shirt, you’re an awful person and I hate you.”
The staffers of AFFotD have a soft spot in their heart for The Mountain, the geniuses behind the Big Face Animal shirts who still haven’t taken us up on our offer to graciously accept any free products they’d be willing to send our way, but that’s neither here nor there. The Mountain is staffed by dedicated workers who, we assume, are a lot like us here in the America Fun Fact of the Day offices. We imagine that they, like us, spend their weekdays recovering from the temporary blindness that inevitably occurs after swigging moonshine from a poorly maintained sill, whispering into the void “what now?” as the void whispers back “you need a T-shirt of a Gorilla in a spacesuit giving you a thumbs up.” The void is wise.
The Mountain has perfected the art of T-shirts that are stylish, comfortable, and work surprisingly well as a makeshift pot handler in a mobile meth lab, but that doesn’t mean they’re content to rest on their laurels watching stacks of dollar dollar bills flood their P.O. boxes. No, they are constantly striving to make new and exciting shirts because goddamn it, someone out there wants to wear a giant house fly face on their chest, and if The Mountain isn’t going to oblige them, who the fuck will?
So every now and then we like to bring up The Mountain catalog and list some shirts you need to be buying at this very moment. It’s partially a public service announcement, partially a play to get free shit from The Mountain, and somehow the free publicity we offer actually counts towards our community service hours for some reason. America!
The Latest And The Greatest From The Mountain and Big Face Animal Shirts
Posted in Big Face Animal Shirts
Tagged America, American Flag, Bald Eagle, Big Face Animal, FDR, Goat, Jason Heuser, JFK, Poison Arrow Frog, Presidents, The Mountain, Three Wolves Shirt, Tiger, Wolves
“There are new shirts from The Mountain? Oh my God, I’m so excited right now. So so excited.”
~AFFotD Editor-In-Chief Johnny Roosevelt after a Mountain Dew and Purple Drank binge
There are a few landmark cultural events that are forever burned into our memories. They were momentous occasions that defined a nation and shaped every single one of us in the best ways possible. The appeal of prohibition. Neil Armstrong’s moon walk. The first bottle of American Honey hitting store shelves. All of these pale in comparison to The Mountain designing and pressing the Three Wolves T-Shirt. Finally, a shirt that could only be enhanced by the addition of potato chip grease stains, a shirt that ranged in size from “no you’re going to want something larger than large” all the way to “XXX-Large.” It combined all the raw American predatory energy of wolves with howling and the moon to create a piece of tailored fabric that apparently causes American super powers.
But Americans are never content to do one thing great, and the creative minds at The Mountain were no different. When they introduced their Big Face Animal series, we were right there sifting through the Funyuns and weed smoke to show you biking pigs and space gorillas. And then, earlier this year, we got up from our La-Z-Boys, put some ointment on our bed sores, and shared with you our thoughts of the second batch of shirts designed by these cowboy hat wearing geniuses.
Recently, as we were going through their site looking for Christmas presents for our friends, families, and the one guy on our mailing list that won’t stop messaging us with cryptic demands that we write about the Solar System more, we could hardly contain our excitement when we saw that the 2013 Big Face Animal collection was out and available for purchase. Because apparently if you’re going to be releasing T-shirts of giant kitten faces, you have to release them a year in advance. You know, like a Kia.
But look at us, babbling on when we could be showing you pictures of giant bee faces. Behold, the 2013 Mountain T-Shirt collection! Continue reading
“Now if we can only find a way to sew in a shake-n-bake Mountain Dew bottle in these things, we’ll be giving our demographic everything they could possibly ask for!”
Last August, our staff woke up from our normal position of “passed out on the bourbon and tear stained carpet of our office floor” to find a package at the door. After having our bomb-detectors/interns-who-open-our mail-blindly ensure this wasn’t another mail bomb from PETA (Come at us, bro! Still here man!), we opened it to find a slew of shirts, a few gnawed-on sticks of venison jerky, an American flag bandana that reeked of gasoline and red phosphorous, and a few crumbled up cans of Watermelon flavored Four Loko. We were instantly excited when we looked at the shirts, which were the most gloriously absurd American creations we had ever encountered. Yes, we are referring to the Big Face Animal T-Shirt line from The Mountain, self-proclaimed as “America’s Greatest T-Shirt Company!” and more accurately, the “Home of the Three Wolf Moon™.”
So while we felt good that we were able to help inform you, the enterprising American with a surprisingly large collection of un-ironic trucker hats and household decorative products that have the letters “udweiser” on them, of these glorious shirts, we’ve decided to take another look at the latest offerings from The Mountain, ready to go direct from the internet to your home. To, eventually, a mug shot for public intoxication and resisting arrest.
Big Face Animal Shirts: The Second Wave Of Designs
“Whatever, I’m so over the three wolves shirt. I need something else to ironically show my derision of the trailer park culture.”
~Some fucking hipster
We’ve previously informed you of the powers that Americans receive while wearing a shirt that has wolves on it. The math equation that determines the abilities you receive in relation to the amount of teeth you have missing and the number of wolves on your shirt is impossible to figure out, because if you’re wearing a wolf shirt you have no business trying to learn what the word “math” means anyway. If you’re wearing any shirt with wolves on it, every moment you waste saying words that are longer than two syllables is a moment you should be using to discover new types of saturated fats.
Yes, the three wolves howling at the moon shirt is the American equivalent of a Superman costume, or a undershirt soaked through with chicken grease. It’s a uniform you can use to declare who you are (American) and what you stand for (America) and what your favorite big word is (xenophobia). But we live in a time where ideals and fashions change at breakneck speed, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that America has outpaced itself in the “ridiculous animals on shirt” department.
We at AFFotD are here to introduce you to the newest way to rebound from your ex-wife getting the double-wide in the divorce settlement…
That’s right. It’s the Big Face Animals shirt collection by The Mountain. We know, you’re so happy right now. Time to dive in and pick out the best, most gloriously American shirts that you know you’re going to spend twenty dollars that smells suspiciously like possum on.
“This is the BEST SHIRT EVER.”
~Some dude at a Trailer Park
Each area of American society can be recognized by their clothing of choice. Business professionals enjoy the luxury of a tailored suit. Short order cooks and pottery experts like smocks (probably). Hipsters wear whatever the fuck will make you say, “Look at that fucking hipster.” But there is one shirt that gives certain (cough, trailer park) demographics American superpowers.
Any T-shirt involving wolves. Really, they’re all good, you can take your pick.