“Now if we can only find a way to sew in a shake-n-bake Mountain Dew bottle in these things, we’ll be giving our demographic everything they could possibly ask for!”
Last August, our staff woke up from our normal position of “passed out on the bourbon and tear stained carpet of our office floor” to find a package at the door. After having our bomb-detectors/interns-who-open-our mail-blindly ensure this wasn’t another mail bomb from PETA (Come at us, bro! Still here man!), we opened it to find a slew of shirts, a few gnawed-on sticks of venison jerky, an American flag bandana that reeked of gasoline and red phosphorous, and a few crumbled up cans of Watermelon flavored Four Loko. We were instantly excited when we looked at the shirts, which were the most gloriously absurd American creations we had ever encountered. Yes, we are referring to the Big Face Animal T-Shirt line from The Mountain, self-proclaimed as “America’s Greatest T-Shirt Company!” and more accurately, the “Home of the Three Wolf Moon™.”
So while we felt good that we were able to help inform you, the enterprising American with a surprisingly large collection of un-ironic trucker hats and household decorative products that have the letters “udweiser” on them, of these glorious shirts, we’ve decided to take another look at the latest offerings from The Mountain, ready to go direct from the internet to your home. To, eventually, a mug shot for public intoxication and resisting arrest.
Big Face Animal Shirts: The Second Wave Of Designs
“Whatever, I’m so over the three wolves shirt. I need something else to ironically show my derision of the trailer park culture.”
~Some fucking hipster
We’ve previously informed you of the powers that Americans receive while wearing a shirt that has wolves on it. The math equation that determines the abilities you receive in relation to the amount of teeth you have missing and the number of wolves on your shirt is impossible to figure out, because if you’re wearing a wolf shirt you have no business trying to learn what the word “math” means anyway. If you’re wearing any shirt with wolves on it, every moment you waste saying words that are longer than two syllables is a moment you should be using to discover new types of saturated fats.
Yes, the three wolves howling at the moon shirt is the American equivalent of a Superman costume, or a undershirt soaked through with chicken grease. It’s a uniform you can use to declare who you are (American) and what you stand for (America) and what your favorite big word is (xenophobia). But we live in a time where ideals and fashions change at breakneck speed, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that America has outpaced itself in the “ridiculous animals on shirt” department.
We at AFFotD are here to introduce you to the newest way to rebound from your ex-wife getting the double-wide in the divorce settlement…
That’s right. It’s the Big Face Animals shirt collection by The Mountain. We know, you’re so happy right now. Time to dive in and pick out the best, most gloriously American shirts that you know you’re going to spend twenty dollars that smells suspiciously like possum on.
“This is the BEST SHIRT EVER.”
~Some dude at a Trailer Park
Each area of American society can be recognized by their clothing of choice. Business professionals enjoy the luxury of a tailored suit. Short order cooks and pottery experts like smocks (probably). Hipsters wear whatever the fuck will make you say, “Look at that fucking hipster.” But there is one shirt that gives certain (cough, trailer park) demographics American superpowers.
Any T-shirt involving wolves. Really, they’re all good, you can take your pick.