Category Archives: America’s Culinary Treats

Did you know that the average American woman weighs 163 pounds, while the average American man weighs 190? It’s true. What does that tell us? Clearly some of you are holding us back, you skinny bastards. That’s why we at AFFotD present you with this list of foods which are delicious, American, and amazingly unhealthy. If we all work together, we can bring the average weight of an American above the Mendoza line! Get to reading, get to eating.

Ranking the Ridiculous Food Items That Might Be Added to the 2017 Menu of the West Michigan Whitecaps Class A Baseball Team

“We will let you choose what gives you your next heart attack.”

~The Western Michigan Whitecaps’ Food Director

whitecaps

We’ve talked about Minor League Baseball before—specifically, how the menus at Minor League Baseball stadiums tend to be what you might call “eccentric” if you weren’t allowed to use the term “batshit fucking insane what, really, WHAT!?” among polite company.  It makes sense—there’s not necessarily a lot of star power in most minor league games, so owners try to bring in fans with fun gimmicks, which can include wrapping a cheese filled bratwurst with sausage, then bacon, and frying the fucker.  That wasn’t just us making up some random over the top example, that fucking exists.

Which brings us to the Western Michigan Whitecaps, a Single-A affiliate of the Detroit Tigers who play, and stay with us because this is confusing, at the Fifth Third Ballpark in the Grand Rapids suburb of Comstock Park.  Yes, we know, our heads hurt too.  Anyway, they take the tradition of “let’s serve crazy shit to fans” to the next level, and since 2009 they have provided fans with a series of food options that they can vote for, with the winner being sold in the stadium for the next season.

Now if you plan on voting, you can do so here, but you don’t want to make this decision uninformed.  So we’re going to go through each potential menu item, giving you a systematic breakdown of each insane item, before telling you what the best option is.  Ready?  Here we go!

Ranking the Ridiculous Food Items That Might Be Added to the 2017 Menu of the West Michigan Whitecaps Class A Baseball Team

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Jesus Christ Why Do We Have To Keep Talking About How ALDI Is For Poors

“There is nothing more important to me than defending the honor of ALDI, I am not a corporate shill”

~Apparently half of the goddamn internet

aldi

Nearly six years ago, we wrote an article called “ALDI Owns Trader Joe’s, Corners The Market On Cheap Food Knockoffs.”  Not to get too “how the sausage is made” on you, but the entire reason we wrote it was that one of our staffers was at an ALDI with their roommate, and made a crack about the ALDI brand of Ramen Noodles along the lines of “oh, you want TOP Ramen?  Well lah dee dah Mr. Rockefeller.”  That’s it.  The article gives a brief history of the company, makes jokes about all the cost-cutting corners ALDI does, pokes fun at their store brands, and closes with a joke about how people who have jobs don’t shop there, and that their produce is low quality but cheap.

People.

Lost.

Their.

God.

Damn.

Minds.

So much so that a year and a half ago, we had to write another article about ALDI to clarify our position, because people were digging up this random article and posting the most pissed off comments imaginable there.  Seriously, we wrote an article that was jokingly like “ALDI is bullshit” and ALDI shoppers reacted as if their loved ones had just told them they don’t actually like missionary position and they should switch things up a bit.

Now, as our follow up article points out—ALDI is fucking fine, if you shop there, you do you, but ALDI literally does nothing that warrants the level of corporate shilling that you motherfuckers give it.  If ALDI shoppers got together and formed a club, their motto would be “Well, Actually…”  We barely have the energy to throw away our empty whiskey bottles when we wake up in the morning, yet scores of grocery shoppers are looking up obscure articles about ALDI, finding the two paragraphs that talk shit, and posting long (LONG) comments that are like “I actually make good money, but I still go to ALDI, here is the exact percentage in savings I have, and let me name various brands and products that ALDI offers that I enjoy.”  No one gives a shit, Gladice.

You guys, they won’t go away.  They stalk us to this very day.  So fuck it.  We’ll lean into the skid.  Come at us ALDI lovers, you’re about to get a dose of hate.

Jesus Christ Why Do We Have To Keep Talking About How ALDI Is For Poors

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The Weirdest Christmas Dishes From Around the World

“We wish you a merry…oh God what are you putting in front of us?  You want us to EAT that?”

~Greenland residents during Christmas

 christmases

We’re just a few short days away from Christmas, a time for reflection, forced familial-interaction in the guise of gift giving and, above all else, feasting, American-style.  Every family has their own different tradition for Christmas, ranging from “it’s pretty much like a second Thanksgiving” to “my family died in a fire and the holidays are a cold reminder of how I’m alone in the world, oh God now I’m crying in public again, thanks a lot assholes” but generally, an American Christmas feast falls well within the definition of “normal.”  Ham?  Sounds delicious.  Turkey?  Sure!  Egg nog?  Booze it up and we’ll talk.

But we were recently informed, much to our surprise, that countries other than America also celebrate Christmas, which is insane to think about because America is the only country that actually makes good Christmas movies.  But it’s true, we’re not alone in celebrating Christmas.  However, less surprisingly, most other countries get real weird about it.  So we decided to cast our xenophobia aside (reluctantly) in the spirit of Christmas, and look at some traditional Christmas dishes around the world.  And since it’s the holidays, we’re not going to say that all of these are gross and must be set on fire, and instead are just focusing on Christmas meals that are…weird.

The Weirdest Christmas Dishes From Around the World

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Cap’N Crunch’s Grossest Flavors of All Time

“Give me a break!”

~Um, That’s Not The Theme Song To Captain Crunch…

oh-captain-my-captain

When Captain Cap’n Crunch first hit the shelves in 1963, we didn’t worry ourselves with the fact that he’s not an actual Captain, and instead went wild over the corn-based cereal that was the first to be coated in a thin layer of oil to give it an additional boost of flavor.  The cereal itself was developed by Pamela Low, a flavorist (shut up, it’s a thing) (no it actually is) at Arthur D. Little who tried to make a cereal that tasted like her grandmother’s recipe of brown sugar and butter melted over rice.  Now, as far as “tasting like sugar butter over rice” goes, Captain Cap’n Crunch was an abject failure.  But if we look at the product through a “holy shit, this is really good, let’s put some crunch berries in it” lens, it was a roaring success.

Now, Cap’n Crunch is everywhere, and you’ll hear no one complain about that fact because Cap’n Crunch is goddamn magical.  That is, when they’re not trying to showboat.

Yes, much like Marshmallow Peeps, Oreos, or, God help us, M&Ms, Cap’n Crunch has tried many times to fly to the sun, only to see their waxen wings melt away.  That was a very elegant metaphor about how you shouldn’t sell Cap’n Crunch that comes with fucking pop rocks in it.

Cap’N Crunch’s Grossest Flavors of All Time

more-like-totally-smashed-berries-amiright

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The Strangest Flavors of Lay’s Potato Chips in the World

“What?  But…why?”

~Your Taste Buds

crab chips

The potato chip—America’s most effective salt delivery system since 1853.  We as a nation eat 1.5 billion pounds of the stuff a year, which pares down to about 4 pounds of greasy, delicious shame for every American.  It is an actual American invention, coming into existence because of a douchebag customer who kept sending back his fried potatoes for not being thinly cut enough, and the chef who said, “fuck you, I’ll give you fried potato peelings then and oh holy shit he actually likes it?”  Since its inception, potato chips have spread all over the world, which is a good thing for people who work at liposuction clinics, and bad news for people who are trapped in countries that have decided a potato chip can be flavored as anything, no matter how batshit insane it is.

Surprisingly enough, we’re not talking about Japan, despite the atrocities they have committed against the humble Dorito.  No, we’re talking about Lay’s, the parent company of Doritos, and a brand of potato chip that, for whatever reason has been hijacked by pure insanity in countries across the world.  And before you say “Hey, I tried a bag of Borsch potato chips one time, it actually tasted pretty good!” we just want to remind you that you’re wrong and we don’t care what you have to say.

On to the distressing potato chips!

The Strangest Flavors of Lay’s Potato Chips in the World

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The Most Absurd Change.org Petitions in America

“This Change.org petition is really gonna make a difference!”

~No, no it’s not

change

Change.org was founded in 2007 as a tool for people to advocate social causes.  It’s used by over 100 million people who either have signed petitions or created their own, and it serves as an interesting launching point for issues that might otherwise get drowned out.  It occasionally has caused a difference, most notably for its involvement in drawing national attention to the Trayvon Martin case, but mostly it’s used for what most things on the internet are used for.  Okay, well, not porn, though we probably just Rule 34ed some of that into existence just now.  No, it’s basically used for people to bitch and complain about something that annoys them.  That ranges from sensible, social concerns to petty, stupid issues.  But somewhere in between, something wonderful happens.  Craziness.

So we did some digging to find some of our favorite wtf Change.org petitions for your please.  All of these are 100% real and unedited.

The Most Absurd Change.org Petitions in America

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America’s Worst Regional Culinary Dishes (Part 3)

“Why can’t you just come up with some unique hot dog toppings and call it your own like a NORMAL regional culinary trend?”

~Overworked AFFotD Taste-Testers

fried rat

We have spent our last two articles discussing America’s dark, sordid food mistakes.  We can’t be great at everything 100% of the time, so it’s understandable that, in the course of perfecting hot dogs and Philly cheesesteaks that we’ve had a few instances of bull testicles becoming popular in some region for some reason.  All we can do is acknowledge our mistakes and move on.

So onward we will move, as we go into our final installment of…

America’s Worst Regional Culinary Dishes (Part 3)

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America’s Worst Regional Culinary Dishes (Part 2)

“Just because you like something doesn’t mean the rest of you should like it too.  Quentin Tarantino likes licking feet, that doesn’t mean that it is something that the rest of society accepts and embraces.”

~AFFotD Food Critics Dressing Down St. Louis-Style Pizza Fans

mess of a burger

Okay so at some point we should stop ragging on St. Louis-style pizza so much.  We’ll admit that.  When we started listing the worst of America’s Regional Culinary dishes, we were thinking about St. Louis’ cracker-thin travesty of a pie, but really, in digging through the worst foods that America has to offer, we’ve come to appreciate it, and maybe even begrudgingly respect it.  No, you’re still wrong if you like it, and no, we’re not going to take you up on your offer to get some fucking Imo’s, get that shit out of our faces, but at least it tries to be something delicious and normal.  It fails on both fronts, but it tries dammit.  There’s no offal or rolled balls of fat and meat powder in play.  No bad ideas, just really, really, really bad execution.

With that semi-apology out of the way, we’re going to delve into more of America’s worst regional dishes.  And we’re sorry.  We’re so, so sorry.

America’s Worst Regional Culinary Dishes (Part 2)

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America’s Worst Regional Culinary Dishes (Part 1)

“I don’t care if it’s just how your mama used to make it, your mama used to make it WRONG.”

~AFFotD Taste Testers

ummm what

When it comes to the culinary arts, America, and by extension the staff of America Fun Fact of the Day, is a lot like a caterpillar, in that caterpillars don’t know how analogies work.  Wait, no, we can salvage this.  American cuisine spent years languishing as underdeveloped and, frankly, sad attempts at inventing dishes that lagged far behind Europe’s more significant and time-tested methods.  Only 85 years ago, Julia Child wrote a book that basically told the country, “Um, so France uses a lot of butter in their food, maybe if we tried that it would taste pretty good too” and people lost their shit so much that they still buy that book to this very day.  But eventually our tastes matured, and we burst out of our cocoons to make hundreds of dishes that are insanely unhealthy, undoubtedly American, and still delicious enough that other countries try (and often fail) to replicate on their own.

Part of the beauty of American cooking is how diverse it can be, considering how every single area of this great sprawling nation has its own approach to filling us up.  Hell, asking for a simple clam chowder can get you eight different soups, depending on where you are when you ask for it.  Just looking at all the things we can do with the humble hot dog gives you an idea of how inventive and varied we can be when trying to find the most effective ways to give you a quick coronary.  Unfortunately, this doesn’t always translate to successful dishes, and even more unfortunately, some of these failures randomly get embraced as “part of the culture” of various regions in America.  This isn’t surprising—with so much good food, America was bound to have some swings and misses.  But when we miss, ho boy, do we miss.

But you can’t appreciate the good without being made aware of the bad, so as much as it pains us, we’re here to present to you an unflinching look at…

America’s Worst Regional Culinary Dishes (Part 1)

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American Sausage Series Part 5: Miscellaneous Sausages

I just can’t get over the fact that Cincinnati eats their sausages with grape jelly.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt, after part 4 of this series

 grilled sausage

We’ve been talking a lot about sausages the past few weeks.  Like, a lot.  There are dozens of types of sausage out there, even when you include the hundred or so varieties that haven’t made their way to America yet.  In fact, we managed to find 25 different types of sausages that were either created in America, or were brought over from Germany (or other countries, but let’s be honest here, mostly Germany) and adopted by America as something that’s worth stuffing into your sin hole (that’s what we’ve been trying to call mouths this year.  In retrospect it probably wasn’t our best idea).

Twenty sausage varieties have already been discussed, leaving us going into the homestretch to take all of the leftover sausages we had and “stuff” their “meat” into the “casing” of our final entry in this article series.  (Did you see what we did there, or were we too subtle?  Subtle about the “this category is like the sausage of sausage varieties” thing?)

American Sausage Series Part 5:  Miscellaneous Sausages

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