Category Archives: America’s Culinary Treats

Did you know that the average American woman weighs 163 pounds, while the average American man weighs 190? It’s true. What does that tell us? Clearly some of you are holding us back, you skinny bastards. That’s why we at AFFotD present you with this list of foods which are delicious, American, and amazingly unhealthy. If we all work together, we can bring the average weight of an American above the Mendoza line! Get to reading, get to eating.

The Worst Crimes Against Food McDonald’s Has Ever Committed

♫Ba da ba da daaa, send it to hell♫”

~Rejected Mcdonald’s Slogan

mcdonalds

It’s easy to make fun of McDonald’s, and in fact many most people who get mad when we make fun of their country (so pretty much every non-American) points out McDonald’s and its fast food brethren as some sort of dark stain on our American legacy.  “Don’t tell us our terrifying eel pies are gross when you all get fat on your Big Macs,” angry British people say because they lack the proper brain function to realize that the British dish in question is what a fucking nightmare looks like.  And sure, McDonald’s is not exactly “healthy” or “something you want to eat every day if you want to live very long,” but it also just hits the fucking spot sometimes, and there’s a reason why McDonald’s is popular enough to thrive in over 100 countries.

So yes, McDonald’s is good, don’t @ us.  But McDonald’s also is constantly changing its menu, and change is not always good.  So instead of writing an article about the best food items you can get at McDonald’s, which would mostly be our editor-in-chief trying to defend his Actually Bad belief that the Filet-o-Fish is their best sandwich, we’re going to talk about the times where McDonald’s really fucked up.  Because we find those funny, and also because thank God we don’t have to eat them.  So here’s a list of food items that would totally justify every angry Latvian’s criticism of our culture.

The Worst Crimes Against Food McDonald’s Has Ever Committed

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Best Sriracha-Flavored Products

“Teaching Americans to stop being pansies about spicy food since 1980”

~Huy Fong Foods Slogan

 sriarcha

Sriracha hot sauce is basically an elixir.  It tastes good on just about anything, and the American culinary experience has improved vastly now that a bunch of restaurants have realized that it’s better to have a bottle of the stuff on their table than boring old ketchup.  Now, sriracha is considered a generic term, but let’s be honest, it’s the chili sauce that you get from Huy Fong Foods, which was founded in 1980 in America by David Tran, a Vietnamese-American immigrant who mastered his chili sauce recipe while living in Vietnam.  When the Vietnamese government began cracking down on ethnic Chinese living in south Vietnam (rude), he hopped on a freighter with three thousand refugees to make his way to America.  That freighter, Huey Fong, would end up inspiring the name of his ship when, two year, he began his hot sauce company.

The sauce was first only available at Asian restaurants in Chinatown, Los Angeles, but sales grew due to word of mouth, since it’s basically crack in a bottle.  By 2009, it had gone mainstream, and by 2012 they were selling over 20 million bottles a year.  In that time, it has come and gone as a food fad, but in its remains are the fact that, now, you can get almost anything in a Sriracha flavor.  And a lot of those things are good.  We’re going to tell you about some good things now.

Best Sriracha-Flavored Products

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The History of Fried Pickles

“What?  They fry PICKLES now?  What’ll they think of next!”

~Bar Patrons In, Like, 2001

 pickles

People from other countries like to make fun of America for frying all their food, but that’s like making fun of someone for having a hot wife.  Oh, what’s that, French tourists, all of our food is fried, making it taste a million times better?  Real sick burn there, froggy!  Yes, we fry everything, because yes, everything tastes better fried.  We’ve gone over this in pretty exhaustive detail, so there’s no need to rehash things here.

Now, if you’re anything like our staff, you’re drunk right now, maybe take a bit of a nap to sleep things off and get back to this article in a few hours.  But also, you eat lots of fried food, especially bar fried food.  You have probably ordered many a chicken strip, mozzarella stick, or even fried mushroom if you’re into that sort of thing while downing a high gravity pint.  But for our readers who don’t reside in the Southern area of our nation, the last fifteen years or so has brought a relatively novel fried item to many of your bar menus.

Fried pickles.  It’s that dish that (again, for you southerners, you all grew up with these) at first blush seems strange.  “Wait, so like…a dill pickle?  Fried?” many a Yankee has mumbled while looking over the menu at the Wood-n-Tap.  Yes, pickles, deep fried.  You’ll order them for the novelty, but be surprised to find they’re delicious.  Juicy and bursting, salty and greasy, it’s the best kind of bar appetizer because it’s truly awful for you, but you can technically say you’ve eaten your vegetables that day.  Gaming the system.

So with that in mind, we’re going to take a moment to tell you about the history of fried pickles, because now we get to list all of our bar tabs as tax write-offs.

The History of Fried Pickles

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The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Estonia

“Oh…oh no.  It’s another Russia-bordering country.  This is going to be so sad.”

~AFFotD’s Resident Food Critic

estonia

We know America does food better than any other country, primarily because when other countries make good things, we just steal it ourselves and make it bigger and better.  We didn’t invent pizza, but have you had pizza in Italy?  Our staff has.  It’s, like, fine.  America does it much better, with a few notable exceptions.  Now, there are other countries that have great food as well (Italy’s still got us beat in the pasta game , for example).  And there are countries that have bad food.  But we don’t care about any of those countries.  No, we take interest in countries whose food is not just generally bad, but wholeheartedly depressing in ways that cling to your soul.  We don’t know what caused our fascination with nations whose recipe books come pre-streaked with tears, but we’re not going to stop now.  Our latest nation with food that makes us so, so sad?  The small Russia-adjacent nation of Estonia.  Strap in, this is going to be a doozy.

The World’s Saddest Cuisines:  Estonia

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The Worst Pringles Flavors in American History

“You Don’t Just Eat ‘Em”

~Wait, That’s The New Pringles Motto?  That Sucks

pringlessss

Pringles are the ultimate embodiment of America’s commitment to unhealthy but delicious food.  They were invented by Procter & Gamble in an attempt to create a “perfect chip” that was not greasy and wouldn’t break or go stale.  They also wanted to get rid of the issue of air in potato chip bags, which honestly doesn’t seem to be that big of an issue, but whatever.  It took over ten years to do this before finally being developed by a chemist from 1956 to 1958 (yes it took him alone two years to get it down).  It had one slight slight design flaw, however.  It tasted horrible.  Another P&G researcher had to come in to find a way how to improve the taste, while a mechanical engineer who also was a well-known science fiction and fantasy novel writer, designed the machine to cook them.  All in all, the Pringle as we know it was eventually released in 1967, and managed to get national distribution in 1975.  While all that sounds like the fever dream ramblings of a bedridden retired R&D worker, it’s actually the 100% true story about how we got Pringles, a delicious potato chip that comes in a container you can get your hand stuck in.

And while just about everything about the Pringle completely justifies this drawn out process to give you a potato chip that you can use to make duck lips, as we’ve seen with many other esteemed American products, sometimes we get a little too cute with flavors, and end up with nightmares.  Here are the worst flavors of Pringles that have been sold in the United States.

The Worst Pringles Flavors in American History

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Pizza Hut’s 7 Most Insane Delivery Stunts Ever

“The fact that we go to such lengths to deliver pizza should really make you pissed off that the nearest location to you doesn’t do delivery.”

~Pizza Hut Marketing Execs

pizza-hut-logo

Pizza Hut is that pizza chain that you really like, think is really overrated, or have never gotten because half of their locations don’t do delivery and actually sitting down inside a Pizza Hut to eat their pizza kind of feels like giving up on life.  We’ve talked about it in these hallowed halls, usually in reference to the weird shit they do overseas (or, frankly, within our borders).

But no matter your opinion on how they do pizza, one thing we can all agree on is that they do marketing with…let’s say, a lot of spunk.  They work hard to peddle their stuffed crusts and cheesy breads and…wings, we guess.  Who actually orders wings from Pizza Hut?  We digress.  The point being, Pizza Hut loves their publicity stunts.  Especially when it comes to finding wacky, crazy ways to delivery you pizza, Pizza Hut is in a class of their own.  We’re not sure if that’s a good thing.

Pizza Hut’s 7 Most Insane Delivery Stunts Ever

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The Dumbest Types of Sommeliers That Actually Exist

“A sumally what?  Oh you mean a wine guy?”

~American Fine Restaurant Diners

sommolier

French people are only good at two things—being snobby, and making wine.  They’re also good at being made fun of by Americans, but that’s really us being good at something than anything else.  Sure, the French didn’t invent wine, but you can argue they invented fine wine, which is why even the staunchest of Americans allow themselves to order wine by using French terms such as “Pinot Noir” and “Cabernet Sauvignon” and “Franzia with some ice cubes, please.”  They even created a profession that consists of knowing every kind of wine and telling people what kind of food goes well with what kind of wine.  You might call such a person “a wine guy” or “look at this smug Frenchie fuck” but they are actually called sommeliers, and the process of becoming one is surprisingly exhaustive and difficult as far as “jobs about booze” go.

Sommeliers are experts in all things about wine, including food pairings, service, and descriptions.  A sommelier might find themselves in charge of developing wine lists, training staff, and pretty much anything that a restaurant might need done to or with their wine, and becoming one takes months of training and thousands of dollars spent on mandatory classes and tests.  It is only for the most dedicated wine aficionados.

Or at least it was.  Because apparently, people have gone ahead and become sommeliers for…well, some pretty stupid shit.  Here are some sommeliers who are absolutely ridicuolous.

The Dumbest Types of Sommeliers That Actually Exist

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Ranking the Ridiculous Food Items That Might Be Added to the 2017 Menu of the West Michigan Whitecaps Class A Baseball Team

“We will let you choose what gives you your next heart attack.”

~The Western Michigan Whitecaps’ Food Director

whitecaps

We’ve talked about Minor League Baseball before—specifically, how the menus at Minor League Baseball stadiums tend to be what you might call “eccentric” if you weren’t allowed to use the term “batshit fucking insane what, really, WHAT!?” among polite company.  It makes sense—there’s not necessarily a lot of star power in most minor league games, so owners try to bring in fans with fun gimmicks, which can include wrapping a cheese filled bratwurst with sausage, then bacon, and frying the fucker.  That wasn’t just us making up some random over the top example, that fucking exists.

Which brings us to the Western Michigan Whitecaps, a Single-A affiliate of the Detroit Tigers who play, and stay with us because this is confusing, at the Fifth Third Ballpark in the Grand Rapids suburb of Comstock Park.  Yes, we know, our heads hurt too.  Anyway, they take the tradition of “let’s serve crazy shit to fans” to the next level, and since 2009 they have provided fans with a series of food options that they can vote for, with the winner being sold in the stadium for the next season.

Now if you plan on voting, you can do so here, but you don’t want to make this decision uninformed.  So we’re going to go through each potential menu item, giving you a systematic breakdown of each insane item, before telling you what the best option is.  Ready?  Here we go!

Ranking the Ridiculous Food Items That Might Be Added to the 2017 Menu of the West Michigan Whitecaps Class A Baseball Team

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Jesus Christ Why Do We Have To Keep Talking About How ALDI Is For Poors

“There is nothing more important to me than defending the honor of ALDI, I am not a corporate shill”

~Apparently half of the goddamn internet

aldi

Nearly six years ago, we wrote an article called “ALDI Owns Trader Joe’s, Corners The Market On Cheap Food Knockoffs.”  Not to get too “how the sausage is made” on you, but the entire reason we wrote it was that one of our staffers was at an ALDI with their roommate, and made a crack about the ALDI brand of Ramen Noodles along the lines of “oh, you want TOP Ramen?  Well lah dee dah Mr. Rockefeller.”  That’s it.  The article gives a brief history of the company, makes jokes about all the cost-cutting corners ALDI does, pokes fun at their store brands, and closes with a joke about how people who have jobs don’t shop there, and that their produce is low quality but cheap.

People.

Lost.

Their.

God.

Damn.

Minds.

So much so that a year and a half ago, we had to write another article about ALDI to clarify our position, because people were digging up this random article and posting the most pissed off comments imaginable there.  Seriously, we wrote an article that was jokingly like “ALDI is bullshit” and ALDI shoppers reacted as if their loved ones had just told them they don’t actually like missionary position and they should switch things up a bit.

Now, as our follow up article points out—ALDI is fucking fine, if you shop there, you do you, but ALDI literally does nothing that warrants the level of corporate shilling that you motherfuckers give it.  If ALDI shoppers got together and formed a club, their motto would be “Well, Actually…”  We barely have the energy to throw away our empty whiskey bottles when we wake up in the morning, yet scores of grocery shoppers are looking up obscure articles about ALDI, finding the two paragraphs that talk shit, and posting long (LONG) comments that are like “I actually make good money, but I still go to ALDI, here is the exact percentage in savings I have, and let me name various brands and products that ALDI offers that I enjoy.”  No one gives a shit, Gladice.

You guys, they won’t go away.  They stalk us to this very day.  So fuck it.  We’ll lean into the skid.  Come at us ALDI lovers, you’re about to get a dose of hate.

Jesus Christ Why Do We Have To Keep Talking About How ALDI Is For Poors

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The Weirdest Christmas Dishes From Around the World

“We wish you a merry…oh God what are you putting in front of us?  You want us to EAT that?”

~Greenland residents during Christmas

 christmases

We’re just a few short days away from Christmas, a time for reflection, forced familial-interaction in the guise of gift giving and, above all else, feasting, American-style.  Every family has their own different tradition for Christmas, ranging from “it’s pretty much like a second Thanksgiving” to “my family died in a fire and the holidays are a cold reminder of how I’m alone in the world, oh God now I’m crying in public again, thanks a lot assholes” but generally, an American Christmas feast falls well within the definition of “normal.”  Ham?  Sounds delicious.  Turkey?  Sure!  Egg nog?  Booze it up and we’ll talk.

But we were recently informed, much to our surprise, that countries other than America also celebrate Christmas, which is insane to think about because America is the only country that actually makes good Christmas movies.  But it’s true, we’re not alone in celebrating Christmas.  However, less surprisingly, most other countries get real weird about it.  So we decided to cast our xenophobia aside (reluctantly) in the spirit of Christmas, and look at some traditional Christmas dishes around the world.  And since it’s the holidays, we’re not going to say that all of these are gross and must be set on fire, and instead are just focusing on Christmas meals that are…weird.

The Weirdest Christmas Dishes From Around the World

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