“I’m not mad about this assignment.”
~AFFotD’s Food Critic
Full disclosure—we are straight up stealing an article here. It’s theft, pure and simple, taking this list from our friends at The Classic Dad and rewriting it, while keeping the rankings exactly as they were. Now normally we’d view that as a Christopher-Blair-level of douchbaggery, but hear us out.
Okay, it’s pretty hack on our part, but one of our writers actually wrote the original article, and we asked him if we could use it. He said no, but then we asked him if we could use it if we gave him a bottle of whiskey. He asked, “What kind?” We said, “Jim Beam.” He said, “I don’t get out of fucking bed for less than Woodford Reserve.” We told him to fuck off, we’re not made of $30 whiskey. Then we stole the article and posted it here.
Okay, so maybe he didn’t give us the okay…meh. This is the internet it’s the Wild West out here baby.
Anyway. Fast food hamburgers. You know them. You love them. They are literally in your arteries right now, which, holy shit, go to a doctor get that looked at, you might need a bypass. There are a lot of fast food chains out there that make cheap, unhealthy, delicious meat pucks for your consumption on the daily.
But which fast food chain reigns supreme? Well, we (read as, our writer who is so mad at us right now he is literally threatening a lawsuit, haha, good luck finding any assets we can even liquidate, buddy) set out to determine, once and for all, who makes the best Fast Food burger in the United States.
A few notes. First, it was with heavy hearts that we had to omit Steak ‘N Shake from this list, because the mere mention of its name led to an hour-long argument about if Steak ‘N Shake counts as fast food or not. Secondly, while some of these are in fact regional chains, we set an arbitrary rule that you have to be in at least five states and, oh, let’s say over 150 locations, for us to include you on this list.
So that knocks off Fuddruckers, for example. Also, we just didn’t want to go to Fuddruckers. And there is a good chance that one of your favorite fast food chains did not make this list somehow. There’s a very good explanation for that if that is in fact the case. It is because we have a strong personal dislike of you. Yes, you. Remember 7th grade? We do, fuckko.
Anyway, to the list!