Category Archives: Strange America

America can get weird with is sometimes. We like it, we support it, and we broadcast it for the world to see.

The Macy’s Day Parade Used To Be Downright Terrifying

“AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

~AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

WHAT IS THIS

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is a time-honored American pastime. On the fourth Thursday of each November since 1924, crowds line up in New York to celebrate the holiday season. Of course, one of the most famous aspects of this parade comes from their iconic balloon floats, which is what the photo you’ve been screaming at above is about.

That’s right, while the Macy’s Parade is known for its oversized balloons of famous and beloved figures from our culture (also Garfield is there) it wasn’t always the wistful display you’re used to. In fact…

The Macy’s Day Parade Used To Be Downright Terrifying

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Ranking the Ridiculous Food Items That Might Be Added to the 2017 Menu of the West Michigan Whitecaps Class A Baseball Team

“We will let you choose what gives you your next heart attack.”

~The Western Michigan Whitecaps’ Food Director

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We’ve talked about Minor League Baseball before—specifically, how the menus at Minor League Baseball stadiums tend to be what you might call “eccentric” if you weren’t allowed to use the term “batshit fucking insane what, really, WHAT!?” among polite company.  It makes sense—there’s not necessarily a lot of star power in most minor league games, so owners try to bring in fans with fun gimmicks, which can include wrapping a cheese filled bratwurst with sausage, then bacon, and frying the fucker.  That wasn’t just us making up some random over the top example, that fucking exists.

Which brings us to the Western Michigan Whitecaps, a Single-A affiliate of the Detroit Tigers who play, and stay with us because this is confusing, at the Fifth Third Ballpark in the Grand Rapids suburb of Comstock Park.  Yes, we know, our heads hurt too.  Anyway, they take the tradition of “let’s serve crazy shit to fans” to the next level, and since 2009 they have provided fans with a series of food options that they can vote for, with the winner being sold in the stadium for the next season.

Now if you plan on voting, you can do so here, but you don’t want to make this decision uninformed.  So we’re going to go through each potential menu item, giving you a systematic breakdown of each insane item, before telling you what the best option is.  Ready?  Here we go!

Ranking the Ridiculous Food Items That Might Be Added to the 2017 Menu of the West Michigan Whitecaps Class A Baseball Team

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Jesus Christ Why Do We Have To Keep Talking About How ALDI Is For Poors

“There is nothing more important to me than defending the honor of ALDI, I am not a corporate shill”

~Apparently half of the goddamn internet

aldi

Nearly six years ago, we wrote an article called “ALDI Owns Trader Joe’s, Corners The Market On Cheap Food Knockoffs.”  Not to get too “how the sausage is made” on you, but the entire reason we wrote it was that one of our staffers was at an ALDI with their roommate, and made a crack about the ALDI brand of Ramen Noodles along the lines of “oh, you want TOP Ramen?  Well lah dee dah Mr. Rockefeller.”  That’s it.  The article gives a brief history of the company, makes jokes about all the cost-cutting corners ALDI does, pokes fun at their store brands, and closes with a joke about how people who have jobs don’t shop there, and that their produce is low quality but cheap.

People.

Lost.

Their.

God.

Damn.

Minds.

So much so that a year and a half ago, we had to write another article about ALDI to clarify our position, because people were digging up this random article and posting the most pissed off comments imaginable there.  Seriously, we wrote an article that was jokingly like “ALDI is bullshit” and ALDI shoppers reacted as if their loved ones had just told them they don’t actually like missionary position and they should switch things up a bit.

Now, as our follow up article points out—ALDI is fucking fine, if you shop there, you do you, but ALDI literally does nothing that warrants the level of corporate shilling that you motherfuckers give it.  If ALDI shoppers got together and formed a club, their motto would be “Well, Actually…”  We barely have the energy to throw away our empty whiskey bottles when we wake up in the morning, yet scores of grocery shoppers are looking up obscure articles about ALDI, finding the two paragraphs that talk shit, and posting long (LONG) comments that are like “I actually make good money, but I still go to ALDI, here is the exact percentage in savings I have, and let me name various brands and products that ALDI offers that I enjoy.”  No one gives a shit, Gladice.

You guys, they won’t go away.  They stalk us to this very day.  So fuck it.  We’ll lean into the skid.  Come at us ALDI lovers, you’re about to get a dose of hate.

Jesus Christ Why Do We Have To Keep Talking About How ALDI Is For Poors

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Tomcat Films Makes The Best (Worst) Movies in America

“Shit, superman is taken? How about ‘Hero Dude’?  No?  Well let’s do some re-shoots and get this bitch distributed!”

~Ted Chalmers

 panda-saurus

Making it big in the American film industry requires talent, perseverance, knowing the right people, and a whole lot of luck.  Unfortunately, not every American who wants to go into show business was born with Brad Pitt’s face or Willem Dafoe’s prodigious genitalia, and most dreams in Tinseltown end where they begin- holding back tears as you scrub semen stains off a producer’s couch. But there’s a strange and frankly wonderful niche among all the critically acclaimed Indie darlings and massive blockbuster hits that is lucrative enough to account for 90% of the DVDs your grandma buys for you at Walmart.  That niche, of course, is the Mockbuster- super cheap, poorly CGI’d films that riff on popular blockbusters with names juuuust close enough to trick people into thinking “Wow, The Dark Knight’s on DVD for only $2.99!  Weird that they didn’t spell it with the K, but whatever.”

One of these Mockbuster purveyors is Tomcat Films, now under the umbrella of Summer Hill Films.  So we took one look at their offerings to the public and said to ourselves, hell yeah, let’s talk about the hilariously bad movies these guys have produced.  And holy hell, did they not disappoint.  So grab your off-brand popcorn and get ready for a master class in so-bad-they’re-good-and-then-bad-again movie making

Tomcat Films Makes The Best (Worst) Movies in America

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Great Moments in Spam Responses: International Journal of Advanced Computer Technology

“Get me off your fucking mailing list.”

~David Mazières and Eddie Kohler

get-me-off-your-list

If you put a gun to our head and told us to tell you one thing that’s wrong with America, we’d press our forehead into the barrel and say, “That pussies like you don’t have the stones to pull the trigger.”  But if you asked nicely, and weren’t a dick about it, we’d say, “probably the existence of companies and publications employing predatory tactics to gain profit.”  And while businesses that gain all their profits through legal-but-shady means are a global phenomenon, America does unfortunately have its fair share of assholes who trick the gullible, frightened, and elderly into giving them money.

One surprising and somewhat unsettling form this has taken involves, of all things, science.  Specifically, “academic journals” that solely exist to mill out publications for graduate students and members of STEM academia.  These publications spam academics and will post just about anything so long as they get their publication fee.  One of those publications is the International Journal of Advanced Computer Technology which is the equivalent of us calling our website the International Publication of Extraordinary Patriotic Informative Studies, which is to say it’s a bullshit name for a bullshit publication (yes we are including ourselves in the “bullshit” category).  And that’s why it was so wonderful when, in 2014, Peter Vamplew, Associate Professor at Federation University Australia, decided to fuck with this publication, to amazing effect.  This is his story.

Great Moments in Spam Responses:  International Journal of Advanced Computer Technology

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The First Season of the NFL was Ridiculous

“You can’t both be called the Tigers.  Or you can.  Whatever.  We’re kind of making this up as we go along.”

~Jim Thorpe, the first president of the NFL

football

The NFL is part of our nation’s DNA, exhibiting everything we stand for.  Teamwork.  Perseverance.  Struggle.  Old white men punishing people when they dance too much in celebration.  A shocking inability to properly handle domestic abuse.  And, of course, Tom Brady’s cleft chin.  Imagining America without football is almost impossible.  What would we do with our winter Sundays?  Football is in the bible, you guys.  “On the seventh day, the Lord kicked back a 12 pack on his recliner and watched NFL Red Zone with a close eye on his fantasy team.”

We think.  Listen, just like most Americans, we like to use the bible to make our point, despite not having really “read it.”  But we digress.

The point is, as much as we assume that football has always been with us, there was a time when the league was brand new and very, very ridiculous.  So let’s hop in a time machine of words and go back to 1920, where the first season of a National Football League took place.  It was sloppy as hell.

The First Season of the NFL was Ridiculous

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The Strangest (Unofficial) Lego Sets You Can Actually Buy

“Leggo my Lego!”

~That’s not their slogan…

lego

Legos are so ingenious we’re frankly surprised they’re not from America.  They were actually invented in Denmark or Sweden or one of those countries way up over there, we don’t really care, we have a hard enough time figuring out if it’s Vermont or New Hampshire that borders Maine to care about where other countries are.  That being said, Lego is kind of the perfect toy—it encourages creativity in children, and Asperger-level concentration and commitment in adults.  The genius of Lego lies in its adaptability—if The Lego Movie taught us anything, it’s that Will Ferrell is kind of an asshole of a dad.  No, wait, it’s that you shouldn’t limit your imagination.  Well, that imagination is alive and well in America, in the form of custom Lego sets, for sale, by third party vendors.  Okay, so maybe you’re not using your imagination by buying them, but they are at the very least…unique.

The Strangest (Unofficial) Lego Sets You Can Actually Buy

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America’s Most Absurdly Pointless Museums

“This would be so much better if there was a bar here.”

~Museum Patrons

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Museums are an important part of American culture.  They unite us to our history and offer a serviceable way to spend a Sunday afternoon.  Museums are mostly fine!  Some are actually pretty cool!  Museums, or institutions that conserve and collect objects of various historic, cultural, artistic, or scientific significance, have been around for  thousands of years.  Literally every nation that isn’t ISIS has museums, because people want to feel connected to their past, present, and future, and looking at the leather jacket worn by the Fonz is a great way to help you do that.

Naturally, America does museums as well as anyone else.  According to Trip Advisor, for example, 6 of the 25 best museums in the world are in the United States, including the #1 and #3 museums out there (the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York and the Chicago Art Institute, respectively) which is frankly astonishing considering that we’re competing against countries such as England, Greece and France who have literally thousands of more years of cultural history than we possess.  We’re kicking ass even when we’re competing with places like the Louvre and the Acropolis!

So yes, America knows how to do classy, important museums.  But there is one category where no other nation is even close to catching up to us in.  America is by far the master at museums that are utterly pointless to the point of hilarity.  We have a museum for everything here.  Everything.  To prove our point, we’re here to present you with…

America’s Most Absurdly Pointless Museums

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The 5 Best Presidential Pets in American History

“Squack, I’ll keep whatever pet I goddamn well please, squack.”

~Andrew Jackson’s Pet Parrot

Horse

It’s almost an unwritten rule that America’s President take care of a pet during their stay in the White House, even if the only reason is that having a pet is a good way to make the man with more power than anyone else in the free world just a tad bit more relatable.  And also because pets are adorable.  Currently, the White House is home to two Portuguese Water Dogs, and dogs and cats are pretty typical presidential pets because they’re pretty typical regular pets.  But that’s not always the case.  Throughout our nation’s histories, some presidents have decided, “I’m the President, goddamn it, I can choose any pet I want” before taking care of the best and most insane pets ever.

Here are five times that American Presidents thought a bit outside the box when it came to pets.

The 5 Best Presidential Pets in American History

yooooo

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More of the Most Absurd Change.org Petitions in America

“I’m totally signing that fire ants petition, though.”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD.com Editor-in-Chief

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Back in May, we went through change.org to find some of the most absurd petitions in existence.  It was fun.  One dude wanted to rename the planet Uranus to Planet Reagan, because Uranus sounds like a dirty word.  See, the best thing about change.org is that there’s no real oversight or accountability, which means that when we posted absurd petitions, it was not the result of some deep search through the entire history of the site.  Those were all created within a day of each other.  We decided, hell, that was fun, so let’s do it again.  Because, honestly, change.org is the best website on the internet if you want to find a healthy mix of people clearly posting joke petitions, and those who are both insane and angry.  That’s why we’re here to present…

More of the Most Absurd Change.org Petitions in America

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