“Hahaha this can’t be real. This CAN’T be REAL.”
~Our SEO Experts
One thing you face when running a website is a constant slew of emails offering “SEO Services.” Basically form emails saying, “Your site is missing out on some MAJOR opportunities. Pay us to fix your site and make it great for SEO!”
For the majority of you reading this that rightfully read that as gibberish, SEO is short for “search engine optimization” which basically is a way of saying “we’ll try to make Google show your website more often.”
Before we go any further with this article, let’s get you in the right mindset. Yes, you come here normally to read things like “I miss those Doritos, amirite” and “woah that’s a big bottle of booze!” So we understand that the moment we started offering sincere explanations of digital marketing terms, you stiffened a bit.
Don’t worry, this is not going to be a boring marketing article or anything like that. And we know, going to you with the pitch of, “Let’s take a deep dive into a very comically web development and digital marketing agency” is a BIG ask.
But strap in. This is worth it.
We Cannot Stop Laughing at Yakima WebSite Design, Because Holy Shit
“Is there a ’37 Dresses, but with Oscars’ joke to make here, or is that an obscure reference even for us?”
~Our Research Staff
Here’s a sentence you didn’t expect to read today. Let’s talk about Ewan McGregor.
Specifically, Ewan McGregor’s ability to star in, and anchor, both blockbuster films as well as critical darlings, without putting enough attention on himself to warrant award recognition.
Consider this. The 49-year-old British actor’s first onscreen appearance was 28 years ago. In that time, he has 91 credits to his name, won a Golden Globe for his work on Fargo‘s third season, and has two additional Golden Globe nomination alongside three Emmy nominations.
But he’s never once been nominated for an Academy Award.
For 99% of actors, this is not exactly surprising. There are plenty of actors who are household names, with plenty of credits, who have never even sniffed award season. But give us a moment to call bullshit.
How Has Ewan McGregor Not Gotten an Oscar Nomination?
“There are 44 Oscar nominees who have appeared in a Star Wars movie.”
~Our Staff, All Week, They Literally Won’t Shut Up About it
This article is very pointless and dumb for most people, and our writers are obsessed with it. Let’s talk about Star Wars, you buncha nerds.
Since 1977, the world has been gifted (and in some case, begrudgingly offered as a cash grab) eleven different films in the Star Wars Universe. There are also some animated tv shows out there if you really want to get deep into that shit.
During that time, many well-regarded actors with numerous accolades have appeared in a Star Wars film. Specifically, the Star Wars universe features a staggering amount of Academy Award nominated individuals who appear, either onscreen or as voices, in these films. We counted. It’s 44.
Keep in mind, many other famous actors have appeared in these films who have not been nominated for an Academy Award. Ewan McGregor and Christopher Lee have never received Oscar nominations, for example (though McGregor has Golden Globe nominations)
Frank Oz (a.k.a. Yoda) has an Emmy. Jimmy Smits (Bail Organa) has won a Golden Globe. By the way, did you know that Rose Byrne (2 Golden Globe nominations) was in Attack of the Clones? And Joel Edgerton, who was in the prequel trilogy as young Owen Lars, has a Golden Globe nomination to his name for Loving. They are not on this list. But a LOT of people are! Anyway! Let’s get into this nerd fest!
Every Oscar-Nominee Who Has Appeared in a Star Wars Film
“You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”
~Harvey Dent. Wait these are supposed to be fake quotes…
Hi there! If you’ve recently discovered our site, you probably think of AFFotD as that place where we do too much research about COVID and say “fuck” a lot. If you’ve been following us for a long time, you know that we usually like to celebrate weird history, booze, and food while making fun of other nations’ cultures while saying “fuck” a lot.
This will not be any of those things.
This is goin to be a review of TV special. Which is a thing we literally never write about.
But our staff has been longtime fans of the shot 30 Rock, and 30 Rock released a quarantine reunion special. And…well…we normally don’t weigh in on such matters, but…
The 30 Rock Reunion Special Is Very Bad in a Way That Makes Us Very Sad
“Hey honey, look at these shorts! Aren’t they funny? It’s SUGGESTIVE ha ha! What’s that? What do you mean you’re leaving me?”
~The Average Customer at Family Gift Nation
There’s no use explaining how we became aware of Family Gift Nation, a website devoted to selling extremely white bread, extremely cheesy sentiment so bland and fucking precious it makes those “Live, Laugh, Love” wine glasses looking like fucking meth pipes.
They almost exclusively sell watches, wallets, music boxes, and, um, engraved basketballs that are covered with, we shit you not, like 75 words of copy along the lines of, “My DEAREST SON, you are the true LIGHT OF MY LIFE, and when we SUMMER in the FINGER LAKES, just know that you are my SPECIAL LITTLE BOY and I will do ANYTHING to help you achieve your dreams of making VARSITY on the LACROSSE TEAM and I mean ANYTHING my SPECIAL CHILD.”
If you think we’re being a bit hyperbolic here, just check this shit out. Jesus Christ.
Anyway, while 90% of this nightmare site is wholesome bullshit that you’d expect to see on a dish towel in the kitchen of a super evangelical Christian woman who doesn’t give money to food banks for borderline racial reasons, there is one other type of item that they sell.
And they’re terrible. So we’re going to talk about…
Family Gift Nation’s Horrible, Horrible Joke Shorts
“Okay, so Mario has to get the Star-Rod, but you can also play as Peach, who gets help from Twink, okay guys what is it why are you all giggling?”
~Nintendo 64’s Focus Group Leader
The last article we posted was an 18,000 word piece that took us five days to write, and at least 20 hours to research. It was a state-by-state analysis of how each America is handling the COVID-19 crisis that is currently *insert some cliche “we’re in this together” bullshit you’ve heard in like 500,000 commercials.*
So naturally, since people are talking about how we “did so much research” to provide “essential information” in our most recent post, we decided to follow that up with, just, the least essential article ever. This brings us so much joy. It is the dumbest thing we have ever done. We are truly children. Anyway, let’s have at it!
Paper Mario 64 Is the Horniest Video Game Ever Made
“It’s like an entire century decided to find a name funnier than Seymour Butts.”
~American Historians Looking at Goofy American Names
In the past, when we spent time looking into baseball players of the 19th century to find some really goofy names, it was primarily to talk about how silly, yet delightful, the Wild Wild West days of early Major League Baseball truly was.
But the more we thought about it, the more we wondered—what if it wasn’t just baseball players that had strange, laughable names back then? What if the era was responsible for ridiculous names more than just the sport of baseball?
It seemed plausible, and so we did a little digging (read as—we found a list on tumblr and did some googling to make sure the names weren’t just made up). And because very little gives us more joy in life than making fun of people whose parents really should not have tried to get “creative” coming up with a word to describe a human for their whole fucking life, we’re going to make fun of some names that are goofier than your name.
Except for you, Brandalynn. Your name is white trash garbage.
6 of the Goofiest American Names From the 19th Century
Oh for fuck’s sake, it’s a gender neutral name too?
“What’s that? There’s a new Spider-Man movie coming out? Maybe we can swoop in with…I got it….SPIDER-BOY! The Lawyers can’t get us then!”
~The Head of The Asylum
Unless you’re a grandmother being tricked into giving her grandson a crappy DVD for Christmas, or gluttons for punishment like most of our writing staff, there’s a chance you’ve not heard about the film studio The Asylum, or even the more broad category known as Mockbusters.
The concept behind Mockbusters is simple. There are studios, or producers, or The Asylum it’s almost always The Asylum, who aim to make money by producing hyper-low-budget movies that pretend to be, or otherwise share similar themes and titles to, popular megamillion blockbuster films. Think Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, anything with a large cultural footprint.
The thought process behind filming these low-quality mockbusters is almost insultingly uncomplicated. Avengers has the highest grossing opening weekend of all time? Just spend like $800,000 on a cheap film called Avenge Squad Assemble, and you’re almost sure to make your money back from confused old people who still buy DVDs and those amongst our staff who enjoy ironically watching bad movies (you may roll your eyes at them).
Generally speaking, the blockbusters that are being mockbusted make sense. It’s not particularly surprising that the filming of Thor led to the creation of Almighty Thor. And Jurassic World was a massive hit, so obviously you’re gonna get Jurassic City.
But what about the high-budget films that we all knew, deep down inside, were probably…not going to be smashes? The Howard the Ducks of the world? Well guess what—if Howard the Duck came out in 2020, and had a $100 million budget, there would be a Mockbuster of it, because we live in a strange world that gives us strange movies that are both A- unnecessary and B- somehow profitable. That’s why we’re going to spend TOO MUCH TIME talking to you about…
The Most Absurd Mockbusters That Exist for Some Reason
“We need a hero in this nation at the moment. I am not that hero. I am, however, someone willing to get drunk and talk about a 6-year-old Christian romantic comedy. Which works in a pinch.”
Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief
Hi America. It’s me. Johnny Roosevelt. I know I typically leave the article writing here to my staffers, and only really come out of the woodwork to talk about really important matters, such as the social costs of masquerading fake news as bad satire, or Lou Bega teaming up with (the long deceased) Scatman to release a fucking JAM.
But imagine my surprise when I emerged from my yearly four-month Spirits Journey (a Spirits Journey, obviously, involves locking myself in my office with a full barrel of bourbon stolen from the Pappy Van Winkle distillery and avoiding any and all human contact until I’ve finished it) to find out that my staff walked the fuck out without telling me and we hadn’t posted anything since November.
And doubly imagine my surprise when I checked the news and saw that people were suddenly “washing their hands” and “discouraging people from normal social practices, like playing the ‘how many fingers can I get in your mouth’ game with elderly strangers.” So yeah. It’s a strange time to be living in America, especially when you’re nursing a four-month-bender hangover. People are scared. People are panicked. People are treating toilet paper rolls like they’re tulip bulbs in 17th fucking century Holland.
We need something to unite us. Or, at least, distract us in a way that isn’t rich people singing John Lennon’s most overrated song of all time.
What we need…is to talk about the romantic comedy film of 2014, Christian Mingle. Because holy shit.
We Need to Talk about 2014’s Christian Mingle
“What’s that? A new animal I can kill? I’m IN!”
Compared to other, older nations, America doesn’t really have a lot in the way of monsters in our folklore. Sure, we’ve got Bigfoot, and we guess there’s the jackalope, but compared to the sheer volume of mythical creatures in stories around the world, America’s got relatively few entries in that particular genre.
This isn’t too surprising—outside of Native Americans, most Americans haven’t been on this continent long enough to really nurture any good folklore. Hell, the first reported sighting of the Loch Ness Monster was 1500 years ago—considering that, it makes sense that we’ve only got a handful of random monster sightings in our history.
While the relative scarcity of American “strange monsters” doesn’t really shock us, the relative obscurity of the Snallygaster does. Because with so few things going bump in the night in America, how is everyone focusing their attention on finding some big hairy forest ape when there’s supposedly a dragon-like beast hanging around Maryland and Washington D.C.? Well Teddy Roosevelt apparently asked that very question.
Let’s talk about America’s least-talked about mythical monster then, shall we?
Teddy Roosevelt Wanted To Hunt the Snallygaster, America’s Mythical Dragon-Bird
Posted in 19th Century Factoids, 20th Century Insanity, America Fun Fact of the Day, Obscure American History, Strange America
Tagged America, American Folk Lore, Folk Lore, Monsters, Mythical Creatures, Snallygaster, Teddy Roosevelt