Category Archives: Strange America

America can get weird with is sometimes. We like it, we support it, and we broadcast it for the world to see.

The Worst Sports Fan Apparel Ever Made

“I just wanted to root for the Cubs, why do we have to bring death into this?”

~Normal Baseball Fans

cubs shirt

Look at that right there. That, friends, is a bad idea for a sports shirt. It’s not for sale anymore since, you know, the Cubs won one before many (not all ☹) people died. But as sports apparel, it’s shockingly bad. It’s awkward, it’s weird, and it makes everyone involved uncomfortable. And it’s hardly unique among athletic paraphernalia. There are a shocking amount of shirts, jerseys, and, well, miscellaneous items out there for sale that are intended to show your mettle as a true “super fan” that back fire in truly spectacular ways. Here are some of those items.

The Worst Sports Fan Apparel Ever Made

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10 Ridiculous Items Built By Car Companies (That Aren’t Cars)

“Sure, we make cars, but you know what we don’t make?  Not cars.”

~Car Companies, apparently?

fast car

It’s no real secret that car companies don’t just use their vast infrastructure and manufacturing facilities to sell cars.  Nissan makes boat engines, Toyota makes luxury yachts, and Hummer makes you look like a douche.  But some items that car makers manufacture are, let’s say, surprising.  So surprising, in fact, that we had no idea they existed until it was brought to our attention by loyal reader Mark from Foosball Zone.  He did the bulk of the research for this article, which we then scrapped and re-wrote ourselves, because we’re kind of jerks like that.  But seriously, hit up his site and give him some love, and thanks Mark for working with us on this as our primary researcher.

Oh, what’s that?  You want to know what the article is going to be about?  Okay, fair, we got a bit ahead of ourselves with our legal disclaimer of how we stole an article but like, didn’t steal steal an article, but here you go.

10 Ridiculous Items Built By Car Companies (That Aren’t Cars)

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Chang and Eng Bunker Were America’s Original Siamese Twins

“But how did they…you know…”

Trust Us, We’ve Been Wondering the Same Thing, All We’ve Got Are Theories at This Point

chang and eng

We as a species have been making humans for long enough that we’ve mostly got the kinks worked out. Two people get sweaty together, nine months later a new person comes out, and typically that person has a set number of fingers, toes and, like, bones.  Listen we’re not biologists or whatever, but you get the point.  However, sometimes that whole process doesn’t exactly work out as intended, which is what happened to Chang and Eng Bunker, two Thai-Americans born in the early 19th century.  Specifically, their number of fingers, toes and, like, bones…well, sort of doubled. Yes, as you’ve probably figured out from the picture just above this inelegant paragraph, Chang and Eng Bunker were conjoined twins.  Actually, they’re kind of the reason why conjoined twins are called Siamese twins, and will be about 75% of the time no matter how angry you get about it online. Despite being born in a time and place with the odds stacked against them in the most impressive way possible, they actually ended up living a full and American life.  They pretty much represented the American Dream (okay but with more slave owning, *cringe*).

Here’s their story.

Chang and Eng Bunker Were America’s Original Siamese Twins

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The Five Most Ridiculous Beverages That Come in Kegs

“Update: for the right price u can put anything in a keg”

~Actual Yahoo Answers User

keg

Everyone loves kegs because they represent, essentially, unlimited beer.  Do you know how much beer you can get from a single keg?  If you go with a half barrel, you’ve got yourself 165 bottles of beer.  That’s so much beer for just a few people—let’s be honest, most of the time you get one of those suckers for a party, unless it’s a barnburner, you’re not going to use the whole keg (challenge accepted).

But at least drinking an entire keg of beer seems doable.  Sure, you have to deal with a shitload of beer, but you can handle that. It’s beer.  Beer can be drunk, lots of it, in a short period of time.  But did you know that we put other things in kegs?  Other…strange things?  Well we do.  Not all of them were particularly thought through, though.

The Five Most Ridiculous Beverages That Come in Kegs

plants in keg

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8 of the Most Ridiculous Items for Sale on Goop.com

“Okay, we need a joke for the header about Goop.  Like, something like, what does Goop rhyme with?  Oh, got it!  Goop?  More like….. STOOPid.  More like stupid.  Perfect, put it in the article, I’m so drunk right now.”

~AFFotD

goop

America, let’s talk about Goop.  Like, you all know what it is—the lifestyle brand run by Gwyneth Paltrow that’s kind of extra?  We’ve not really covered it here (in fact we’ve not once talked about it in the seven and a half years of this website’s existence) because, well, it’s a bit much, isn’t it?  The name, the snake oil salesman tactics, the prices, oh God, the prices.   It’s all just so very extra.

But hey, for better or for worse, Goop is a part of American culture.  Granted, it’s a very specific type of independently wealthy coastal woman in her 30’s culture, but a culture nonetheless.  So we’ll give Goop it’s due in the only way we can think of.

8 of the Most Ridiculous Items for Sale on Goop.com

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Aritcley McArticleface: An Incomplete List of Things Named Blanky McBlankface

“Haha McJokeyface, amiright?”

~Like, The Worst Stand-Up Comic

boaty mcboatface

Pretty much the whole world remembers the time in 2016 that the British government got the brilliant notion to crowdsource the internet to name their new $287 million polar research ship, and the internet, being the internet, overwhelmingly went with “Boaty McBoatface.”  It was a silly, goofy, harmless little internet prank that has since spiraled a bit out of control, since now everything that exists in the world falls into two camps—things named “Something McSomethingface” and things that people overwhelmingly voted to be named “Something McSomethingface” before the powers that be stepped in and said, “No we’re not doing that, that’s stupid.”

Our official stance on this phenomenon is, sure it’s getting kind of old, but it’s funny and stupid, and we thrive on funny and stupid, so we’re all for it.  In fact, as our service to the internet, we’re going to look for anything we can find that has some sort of Blanky McBlankface name, and put it here in one continuously edited article, so you too can see how much free time our staff has on their hands.  And yes, we will be maintaining this—if at any point we come across a new vehicle or animal or thing that actually got named some version of Boaty McBoatface, we will add it here.  And if you, our loyal readers, find something, feel free to leave it in the comments, or email it to us at americafunfact@gmail.com.

Now, before we begin, a few ground rules.   No, we won’t include items that won a fan vote but weren’t ever used, like that time people tried to name a school Schoolie McSchoolface.  And we won’t be listing dumb pranks like SoccerCity SD purposefully having people vote to name their MLS team Footy McFooty Face.  And we definitely will try to avoid posting fake news names, like the story that never actually happened about the Chinese Gorilla named Harambe McHarambeface.  Will some fake ones make this list accidentally?  Eh, probably, we’ll do our best to minimize that but it’s not exactly going to cause us to lose sleep at night.  And finally, we won’t be including people’s Twitter handles or fake Facebook profiles, even if that means that we have to unfortunately leave the guy with the screenname “Racist McShootFace” who bid $65 million for George Zimmerman’s gun off our list.

But otherwise, anything goes, including pets, drawings, and a whole bunch of stuff that we will be pissed off for agreeing to chronicle two years down the line.

Aritcley McArticleface: An Incomplete List of Things Named Blanky McBlankface

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The Five Sketchiest Energy Drinks You Can Actually Buy

“HOW IS THIS LEGAL I CAN’T FEEL MY FINGERS.”

~Off-Market Energy Drink Customers

steven segal energy drink

For decades, centuries really, we have relied on coffee to wake us up in the morning and keep us going into the night.  Well, sure, there’s cocaine if you really wanna party, but as far as boosts of caffeine would go, we pretty much had coffee and, to a lesser extent tea.  If you didn’t like how that tasted, that was fine, you could fill it to the brim with all the sugar and cream your overworked heart could take.  Sure, you had your Cokes and Pepsis, or even your Mountain Dews if you’re a gamer, but for many years we didn’t really have a lot of ways to completely lose your mind on dangerous amounts of caffeine until the 90’s and 00’s brought us Energy Drinks.  Red Bull, 5 Hour Energy, Rockstar, all of these companies sprung up to create a beverage that answered the question, “What if I wanted like, 6 cups of coffee, but I also hate the flavor of coffee, and would like to mix it with vodka.”

Now, granted, in most cases, energy drinks actually have less caffeine than coffee, but they also have a whole bunch of other stuff like taurine which, because it rhymes with caffeine, we just roll with the claim of “oh it’s like, super caffeine” and move on with our lives.  And at the end of the day, energy drinks feel appropriate to have during a night out, while coffee still feels like something you drink at work.  Also, again, you can mix it with vodka so, you know, that at least to us explains their popularity.

And Energy drinks are big business.  Red Bull makes over $4 billion a year, and even Amp, the energy drink you have only seen in rural town gas stations, brings in hundreds of millions in sales.  And while you might think that all Energy Drinks are just caffeine delivery systems that taste like stale smarties candies, we’d actually have to disagree.  There are some energy drinks that are so much worse.  As in, baffling they exist.  As in, probably glow in the dark?

Let’s talk about some of the sketchiest energy drinks on the market today.  Yes, you can buy these.  But you shouldn’t, unless you want to grow a third eye or something.

The Five Sketchiest Energy Drinks You Can Actually Buy

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The Most Popular Baby Names For American Boys in 2017 (Are So, So Stupid)

“Wait…there were more babies named Paxton than Edward this year? That…that seems…what?”

~AFFotD Staffers Trying to Make Sense of 2017’s Most Popular Baby Names

ridiculous names

Nothing makes you sound like a cranky old-timer more than complaining about the ridiculous names parents are giving their kids nowadays, so here’s an article where we complain about the ridiculous names parents are giving their kids nowadays.  Now, most of our staffers are Millennials, so we can understand the desire to be “unique” when giving a permanent moniker for a living human being, but really, we need to cut this shit out.  American names are becoming embarrassing.

So we decided to go through a list of the most popular baby names for boys in America in 2017 as of this writing (November, 2017) as listed by babycenter.com.  Now, it seems like we don’t have exact numbers on the most popular names yet, since there are about a dozen baby sites that claim to have their own accurate ranking, but this ranking is close enough that we can drive home our conclusion—there are a lot of babies out there with stupid-as-shit names.  Stop doing this, parents!  America is going to spend their grade school years in so many headlocks.

But anyway, here is a list of names that are currently more popular in America than good, normal, American names.  May God have mercy on our souls.

The Most Popular Baby Names For American Boys in 2017 (Are So, So Stupid)

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Worst Sexy Costumes (With Hilarious Generic Names)

“I’d tell you what I’m dressed up as, but Disney’s got some powerful lawyers.”

~Women Wearing Sexy Character Costumes, Apparently

sexy game of thrones

“Many adult women wear sexy Halloween costumes” is the kind of hot take you’d expect to hear from a middling stand-up comic in 2002, and we’ve covered the topic in our oh-so-subtle way years back, but whatever, the “sexy costume” industry thrives during Halloween, even though realistically you end up seeing like, ten women wearing the costumes, tops, each year.  That said, each year, sites such as yandy.com come out with hundreds of costumes that mostly consist of “swimsuits with something drawn on it” or “like, let’s take a normal costume, and then cut away the midsection,” so there’s got to be a market for this kind of stuff.

Now, in the sexy costume industry, which we guess weirdly serves as a metaphor for America now that we think about it, the easiest way to make money is to profit on things that are already popular.  But in doing that, you often have to face that other great American export that is “bloodthirsty corporate lawyers,” which means that if you really want to sell a costume you may have to change your costume name so as to not get sued into bankruptcy.  So, while you might want to dress up as a “sexy Spock” (but, like, why?) you’ll probably need to look for something along the lines of a “sexy pointy-eared alien.”  You get the idea.  It’s dumb, but also kind of funny in a ridiculous way.

No, seriously, these names, we can’t get enough of them.  Here are some of the dumbest sexy costumes, and what they’re called.  We love Halloween so much.

Worst Sexy Costumes (With Hilarious Generic Names)

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America’s Most Absurd Themed Cruises

“Thousands of dollars to be trapped at sea on a potentially-stomach-virus-ridden boat filled with obnoxious strangers?  No thank y…wait what’s that about open bar and all-you-can-eat buffets?  I’m fucking in.”

~Cruise Liner Customers

cruise ship

We all have either been on a cruise ship, or know someone who has.  It’s one of those vacations that feels fancy, in terms of cost and luxury, while also feeling kind of middle class, because rich people have their own boats, so it’s the rest of us who have to save up all year for a week of getting shitfaced on the ocean.  The average cruise enthusiast, and yes there are people who only vacation on cruise ships, is like, a mildly overweight but overall healthy middle-aged couple from suburban Texas named Pam and Ron who laugh very loudly at every joke, immediately befriend people waiting in lines with them, and who have a shared Facebook profile.  Like, there is a very specific kind of person who is really into cruises, and we totally support that person, they’re fun to talk to and every year they go on a cruise and make like, 20 lifelong friends, and that’s great.  But, if you’re anything like us, you’d assume that the cruise market is like, big but not huge.  There can only be so much demand for being crammed in a windowless room on a boat for like, $4,000 a week.  Right?

Wrong.  The cruise industry is huge.  Like, holy shit, 20 million people go on cruises every year.  It’s a $38 billion dollar industry that employs over 300,000 Americans.  It’s big business, apparently!  Enough people have been going on cruises for so long that newcomers to the industry have to find a way to separate themselves from the rest of the pack, and find niche customers outside of the general “we like to go on cruises everywhere” crowd (hi Pam, hi Ron, yes we did see that post of your daughter graduating high school, congratulations).  And so theme cruises burst on the scene, and have been growing in popularity exponentially in recent years.

You know what we’re talking about.  It’s a cruise to somewhere exotic and warm, but with special events that are related on a basic theme.  That theme could be a singles cruise, it could be a Star Trek cruise (also known as a singles cruise), or it might just be a cruise ship where you get to party with Kid Rock.  And while you might have heard about a few of the sillier sounding ones, like the Gronk cruise, you’d be shocked to know the sheer amount of theme cruises available, with all sorts of weird themes. Like, did you know there are an insane amount of scrapbook cruises?  One scrapbook themed cruise should be enough to facilitate everyone in the middle of the Venn diagram of “likes cruises” and “is way into scrapbooking” but apparently not.  And these aren’t even the most absurd themed cruises out there.  We could show you all sorts of crazy ones.

Oh what’s that?  You’d like us to do that?  Oh, okay then, sure.

America’s Most Absurd Themed Cruises

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