Category Archives: Drunk People

Alcohol can make you into a Superman.

Wait what’s that?

Ugh. Fine.

Our lawyers told us that alcohol doesn’t make you Superman, and actually can make you do reckless, stupid things. As seen by these glorious Americans.

What? Goddamn it, give us an inch, you guys.

Our lawyers say that we’re supposed to call them “dumbass” instead of “glorious.”

America’s Drunkest Presidents: George Washington

“Listen, it’s the 18th century, you’d drink to chase the boredom too.”

~George Washington

washington

America loves drinking so much that a bunch of people set us aside and said, “America, we think you may have a problem,” and actively banned the entire nation from drinking booze.  And our response to that was to say, “In the entire history of our nation, we have never repealed an amendment.  Until now, GIVE US BACK OUR BOOZE YOU ASSHATS.”  That’s history to be proud of, and it’s no surprise that many of the greatest figures behind this, the greatest country in the world, are also some of history’s greatest drinkers.

That is why it is our duty, and frankly our pleasure, to introduce the latest running series to America Fun Fact of the Day.  Welcome to America’s Drunkest Presidents, where we look at the drinking habits of our greatest presidents and tell you which ones were the drunkest.  This is important work we’re doing here.  This is God’s work.  One nation under God.  One nation under drunk.  Like, like the, you know.  Like the Pledge of Allegiance?  Only,   Okay, cards on the table, we’re pretty soused right now.

Let’s start with our first president, who spent more money on booze in a year than most people do in a decade.

America’s Drunkest Presidents:  George Washington

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An AFFotd Exclusive: Robert Stewart and the 1.00 BAC

“I’m not proud of it by no means but after that night and my hospital bills it would be nice to get something else out of it.  Lol.”

~Robert Stewart

beer hat

Listen.  We’re not exactly breakers of news around these parts.  We hear about things, we let you know them, and  we dig through the internet’s murkier basements to find about high alcohol beers or cotton candy flavored vodkas, but this isn’t exactly the Washington Post here.  The closest we come to breaking news is when we purposely misrepresent a news article because we’re feeling like being kind of dickish that particular day.  We’re not the kind of site that people go to when they want to be the first to hear about some Earth shattering development, though we’d not mind being the kind of site that people would offer free beers to so we can review them for them (hint hint, America).

That’s why we’re writing a quick AFFotD in order to tell you about an edit we recently made to one of our more popular article thanks to an email sent in by an intrepid reader.  He informed us that our article, at the time listing the eight highest BAC readings of all time, was a bit inaccurate, because he had just the previous weekend drank himself to a healthy (editor’s note: no the opposite of that word you just used) 1.00 BAC, meaning that a full 1% of all the blood in his body was alcohol.

bud select

To put it in perspective, his BLOOD was about half as alcoholic as this beer.

Do we know if this is true?  No.  Is it true?  Eh, we hope, maybe.  He wanted us to use his real name, he gave us his details of the day (our main concerns are that he remembers what he drank a bit too well and, honestly, that the email address he sent to us lists a different name than the one he told us to use for the article).   But we so rarely get a chance to break a story!  So anyway, here is the story of Kentucky resident Robert Stewart, which is possibly his real name or it’s possibly someone who really likes Rob Stewart taking us for a fucking ride, but yeah.  Our exclusive story about a 1.00 BAC.

Editor’s note:  At this point it should go without saying that this is not something you should ever try to match, because you will die.  Actively die.  Not, ha ha, oh man, this much booze will kill you, ha ha ha, no we mean it, HALF of this booze is what most doctors refer to as a lethal fucking blood alcohol content, so, like, just drink until you black out and stop there, okay?

An AFFotd Exclusive:  Robert Stewart and the 1.00 BAC

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Five Americans Hilariously Drunk At College Football Games

“Go beer, let’s win some vomit!”

~College Game Day Crowds

gameday crowd

College is a special time in an American’s life where getting shitcanned drunk every night makes you a party rock star, and not someone who ever has family and friends set them aside to say “we’re really worried about your drinking, you say you do it as research for that website you write, but all of your friends who write at that job are degenerate drunks and we don’t want to see you continue this tailspin that you’re in.”

Of course, of the many college traditions that have been meticulously documented in dozens of educational documentary “National Lampoon” films, there is one that remains timeless, and is as acceptable at age 80 as it is at age 20- getting sloppy drunk to watch 19 year old football players get paid nothing to beat the ever-loving shit out of each other.  Students and alumni alike can gather on game day, drink, and scream, “KILL HIM KILL BREAK THAT 19 YEAR OLD BOY’S LEG AND TAKE AWAY HIS FUTURE LIVELIHOOD WE’RE DOWN BY THREE” in harmony (well, the kind of harmony that tends to involve a lot of “getting into fights with fans of the opposing team”).

As we approach the one-month mark for the 2013 NCAA football season, we’d like to take a step back and appreciate some Americans who knew how to respond to a loud, bustling, social situation with remarkable composure and baaaahaha no we’re just pulling your legs, here’s a list of some hilariously drunk college football fans.

Five Americans Hilariously Drunk At College Football Games

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Five Drunks Who Miraculously Survived Life-Threatening Events (Because They Were Drunk)

“I AM A GOD!”

~You, when drinking

While we talk about alcohol consumption in such a manner that some of you have started to suspect that we are part of an alien species that is waged in a generations long war with human livers, there are occasionally benefits of massive, dangerous consumption of the fairest poison.  Mainly, there have been numerous instances where some brave, boozy fool has been in a situation where lesser, more sober men would perish, only to be saved by a combination of luck and alcohol-aided relaxed muscles.  They might not all be from America, but due to a loophole in the Constitution, as soon as they survived a fatal event because of how drunk they were, they automatically received US Citizenship.

Listen, we’re not saying that you should drink obscene amounts of liquor and then see what happens when you jump off the roof of your house.  Oh wait, no that’s exactly what we’re saying.  But, legally, we shouldn’t be saying that.  We’re just saying that, if you did that, we’d totally write about you, and say all sorts of complimentary things about you.  Don’t you like it when people say complimentary things about you?  Of course you do.  Of course you do.

So put your beersafety goggles on, and get ready to salute…

Five Drunks Who Miraculously Survived Life-Threatening Events (Because They Were Drunk)

 

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Nine of the Highest Blood Alcohol Levels of All Time

“I’m not as officer as you drunk I am, vomit.”

~America’s Drunks

We’ve been told that alcohol can be lethal when taken in large enough doses.  We know, that sounds counter-intuitive, but bear with us.  As everyone who has purchased a breathalyzer from Sharper Image for parties and making sad, sad nights by yourself more justifiable by saying you’re “doing research” can attest, when you get to a BAC of about .2, you’re going to stop remembering things.  Knowing that, it makes slightly more sense that Wikipedia would list the side effects of a “>0.50 BAC” as “death.”

But this is America, goddamn it.  You know there have to be supermen (and women!  Don’t forget those ladies!) who can survive alcohol levels that can kill a rhino.  And while the staff of AFFotD has never made the news for being busted with a lethal BAC, many Americans have, and we’re here to salute them.  Sort of.  Well, we’re going to salute them in the same way you salute someone trying to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.  Because, damn you guys, when we think you drank too much, you know you’re in trouble.

Nine of the Highest Blood Alcohol Levels of All Time

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AFFotD’s Official Guide for an Appropriately Insane American Weekend

“It’s Friday, Friday, Heroin between my toes.”

~Rebecca Black

America loves the weekend in the same way that an alcoholic loves unemployment- when you do it right, sure, you might be hurting down the road, but it’s still the best situation you can imagine yourself in at any given time.  The weekend is a magical time where you can throw caution in the wind, cut loose, and (internally) laugh at people stuck working in the service industry.  In a study by AFFotD researchers (you can usually spot them by their long, white beards being in such stark contrast to their American flag leather jackets) we found that 95% of all alcohol related puking is a direct result of the weekend (the other 5% is attributed to sadness.  Just so much sadness.)

Unfortunately, many Americans don’t know how to properly celebrate the weekend, simply stumbling around asking stupid questions like, “Should I have a beer?” or getting punched by AFFotD staffers after they say, “Well I should get to bed fairly early, those estate sales aren’t going to find themselves!”  That’s why we’re here to tell you how to be irresponsible American in the most effective way possible.

Stand back, and prepare for the knowledge bomb.

AFFotD’s Official Guide for an Appropriately Insane American Weekend

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How To Be American (read as: Drunk) In The Office On A Typical Day (And Not Get Caught)

“I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on my drum all day.”

~Todd Rundgren

Many of you are reading this very America Fun Fact of the Day from your office, stealing precious internets from your bosses as part of a conspiracy to get free money from their HR department (at least, if your boss is older than 60, that is his assumption of how office internet usage works).  Americans need work to get the money necessary to purchase necessary goods, at least ever since the government suspended its controversial “Free whiskey and Ramen noodles for all citizens” proposal (damn you Carter!)  And while a healthy portion of Americans end up as freelancers, retailers, or service industry professionals, the most common type of employment involves plopping formerly active Americans behind a computer for eight hours a day as their bodies slowly balloon out like a time-lapse video of a pumpkin growing.

Though like restaurants, most offices do have a “No shoes, no shirts, no service” policy.

And like most prisons environments, offices are a dizzying combination of policies, traditions, and arcane beliefs that “Jesus Christ, no, of course you can’t have a moonshine sill in your cubicle, why would you even ask that?”  And sadly, many of the things we view to be most American (drinking, trying to see if you can cook bacon by putting it in the copier and asking for 100 copies while drunk) are considered “taboo” or “fire-able” in most offices.  But that doesn’t’ mean you can’t express your American ways properly while still working for “The Man.”  That’s why we are here to provide you with AFFotD’s exhaustive guide…

How To Be American (read as: Drunk) In The Office On A Typical Day (And Not Get Caught)

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AFFotD Takes on the Women’s Christian Temperance Union

“I mean, you can run with this, but it better not devolve into a whole thing calling individual women ugly or anything.”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Okay listen, by this point you know the deal.  If you drink and can at least hollowly echo our dislike of French people, we’ll get along fine.  Hell, even if you don’t drink but are like “fuck the French” we’ll not actively dislike you (but lord knows we won’t trust you).  But if you want to piss us off, you actively try to stop people from drinking.  Or, you know, try to save baby seals or whatever.  Fuck nature, they had enough chances, this isn’t Wall Street, we’re not here to bail out idiot penguins that didn’t realize that we were shuttling oil through a dangerous sea passage.

Yeah, FUCK you, penguins.

All that being said, we try not to talk about hot button issues necessarily.  Especially religion.  Because religion will breed conversations between zealots and assholes (yeah we’re looking at you, people who make a “flying spaghetti monster” joke as soon as someone mentions church) and no one wants that.  Which is why, when an intrepid reader pointed us to this site, we were hesitant to talk shit.  At first.  We saw “Women’s Christian” in the title and said, “hold up.”  We don’t want to get into religious discussions, and we really don’t want to be viewed as misogynistic, so we were hesitant to “tear this site apart and see what final stroke will finally kill it” as our reader suggested.  But then we read “Temperance Union” and just three neat whiskeys and one Wikipedia search later, we were enraged.

Not only are these damn Jesus bitches trying to stop us from drinking…well , no, that’s the main reason why we have an issue with them.  That and the fact that their webmaster must have died in an unfortunate geocities mudslide back in 1998 because, goddamn, just look at this screenshot.

Look, we have these “intelligent phones” the youths are using nowadays!

So the gloves are off.  We’re not even declaring a blog war here, we’re starting a real life war, because these people will not be allowed to touch our booze.  No siree.  So get ready, as…

AFFotD Takes on the Women’s Christian Temperance Union

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Jerry Thomas Invented Your Favorite Drinks (And Set Fires)

“Get you drunk, get your lady drunk, set some shit on fire, I can do it all.”

~Jerry Thomas


This might come as a surprise to some of you, but America likes to get itself drunk.  But while shots of whiskey with beer chasers is a tried and true method for shouting at your liver, “who’s responsible for the removal of toxins from my system now, huh jerk?” it can get old after a while.  That’s why Americans have made it a point to master the art of mixing liquor with different liquors to make delicious (and high octane) cocktails that can be enjoyed by men, women, and people who enjoy giggling at the word “cock”.  Cocktails (tee hee) are incredibly American, and every time someone in a bowler cap orders a Manhattan in a dimly lit bar, the nearest woman in the area becomes instantaneously impregnated.  This is science, and there’s no way to stop it.

We’re just saying, Jon Hamm is responsible for more accidental impregnations than the NBA.

So while most Americans appreciate the existence of a good, well-crafted cocktail, surprisingly few are aware of Jerry Thomas, the father of American mixology.  And that’s a damn shame, because Americans unknowingly give this man tribute every day, be they ordering an oversized margarita to a woman they just met, or be they ordering a sidecar from a clearly pissed off bartender at a wedding’s open bar.  All of these couldn’t be possible without the contributions of this portly man whose most famous drink involved arcs of blue fire.

Basically, Jerry Thomas is gonna get you drunk.  You’re welcome.

He may also disfigure you horribly in the process of doing so.

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The Man Who Got Three DUI’s in Three Days

Spicer Breeden!  Ain’t got shit!  On me!”

~Timothy James McGowan


We get a lot of flak from public interest groups about our relatively “lax” drunk driving standards (we may or may not have installed Breathalyzers in staff members’ cars that won’t let them start up unless they have a BAC higher than .05).  We understand that it’s not a particularly popular subject for a lot of people, and we begrudgingly cede the point that our cartoon series, Billy the Buzzed Driver and his Bizarre Adventures, might glamorize drunk driving to children.

Slightly more controversial still would be our “Elmo’ll Getchya Drunk Variety Hour”

So we have to point out, getting drunk and then stepping behind the wheel is dangerous, and can harm or even kill not only yourself, but innocent strangers.  That being said, when the worst case scenario doesn’t happen, we think we’re totally within our right to make fun of it in a “Holy shit, how drunk was that driver!?” sort of way.

Which brings us to Timothy James McGowan.

Hey look it’s Kevin Pollak’s younger brother

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