Tag Archives: The Simpsons

America’s Grossest Pizzas

“Pizza pizza, you so yummy, pizza pizza, OH GOD GET IT OUT OF ME, OH GOD WHAT DID I JUST INJEST?”

~Consumers of the following pizzas

gummy pizza

We know that other countries out there like to ruin pizza for the rest of us.  Scotland’s out there making Haggis pizza, Pizza Hut’s international office is apparently being run by a chef who recently suffered a horrific brain injury, and Japanese pizza is, well, you know.  Japan.  When faced with the horrors of snail pizza or whatever the living fuck cream corn potato pizza is, it’s comforting to come back to America and feast on the various ways we’ve perfected the pizza pie.  Sure, some parts of the nation have kind of shat the bed as far as their take on the dish, but in general, America makes a simple, hearty, delicious pizza.  At least we don’t have people actively trying to ruin it for everyone else, right?

…Right?

the hell is this pizza

Oh, goddamn it.

Goddamn it.

Here goes nothing.

America’s Grossest Pizzas

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The 10 Messiest Burgers In America

“I mean, how do I…finish this?  It’s EVERYWHERE.”

~Consumers of the following

messy burger

Hamburgers are a wonderful.  We’ve often explained why in great detail.  We’ve searched around for the largest in the world. Hell, we’ve even unleashed our wallets to let you know the most expensive burgers in the world.  Hamburgers are wonderful.

That past paragraph was technically a palindrome.

Anyway, as much as we love hamburgers, America loves them even more, which is why there are millions of variations of the suckers out there to clog your arteries.  Some are fancy, some are plain.  Some are tofu.  All are delicious.  Except for tofu burgers, you get that right the hell out of our face, eat yourself a nice rare steak, and write us a 4,000 word essay on why you are bad and should feel bad.  No, we’re serious, go home and think about what you’ve done.  We’ll wait.

Ahem.

Of course, as we can see with doughnut burgers, Americans love their burgers unhealthy and sloppy.  That’s why we’ve decided to scour the google internet our contact list the nation, on foot, forming painful blisters from thousands of traversed miles to find you the sloppiest, messiest burgers that our fair country has to offer.  Are there other examples of potentially messier burgers out there?  Well, probably, Jesus “messy” is such an objective term and maybe if you’re nice we’ll do a follow up to this article.  But in the meantime, sink your fangs into…

The 10 Messiest Burgers In America

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Appendectomies, the American Surgery

“I got this cool scar, AND I get to miss a week of school.”

~Oh, no one you’ve heard of.  Just Bart Motherfucking Simpson


Everyone is born with extra parts added to their body.  Americans have a secondary liver that primarily filters out bourbon and whiskey.  Canadians have a gland that makes their names legally have to be “Rupert.”  French people are born with tails.  Many of these extra, generally nation-specific, extra pieces have their value (Canadians like the name “Rupert” as it is bland and unthreatening, American’s need to get drunk more, and it’s always good to be reminded that French people are rats).  But every once in a while, humans are born with pointless junk that we just don’t need.  Wisdom teeth, nose hair, elbows, all of these just get in the way of important things like eating, smelling, and rolling down hills.

“DAMN YOU EVOLUTION!”

Of all these useless digits and doo-dads, there is one particular component that actually depletes your Americanness, and as a result it’s gotta be scooped out of your body.  That would be the appendix, which seeps miniscule amounts of Anti-America that, when you become American enough, will cause a pain in your side.  This is called “Appendicitis” which of course is latin for “This is America dammit, GET OUTTA MY BODY YOU DAMN FOREIGNERS.”  At that point doctors have to come by to snip the bastard out there.  Most patients, upon receiving an appendectomy, find that their sense of America goes up roughly 15%.  Taking out your appendicitis is literally the most American thing you can do to your body next to getting an American flag tattooed to your fucking face.

“I…I have buyer’s remorse.”

So without further ado, we at AFFotD are here to look into the American benefits of Appendectomies.

Pictured above:  Appendectomy.

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The Man Who Got Three DUI’s in Three Days

Spicer Breeden!  Ain’t got shit!  On me!”

~Timothy James McGowan


We get a lot of flak from public interest groups about our relatively “lax” drunk driving standards (we may or may not have installed Breathalyzers in staff members’ cars that won’t let them start up unless they have a BAC higher than .05).  We understand that it’s not a particularly popular subject for a lot of people, and we begrudgingly cede the point that our cartoon series, Billy the Buzzed Driver and his Bizarre Adventures, might glamorize drunk driving to children.

Slightly more controversial still would be our “Elmo’ll Getchya Drunk Variety Hour”

So we have to point out, getting drunk and then stepping behind the wheel is dangerous, and can harm or even kill not only yourself, but innocent strangers.  That being said, when the worst case scenario doesn’t happen, we think we’re totally within our right to make fun of it in a “Holy shit, how drunk was that driver!?” sort of way.

Which brings us to Timothy James McGowan.

Hey look it’s Kevin Pollak’s younger brother

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Insane American Patents

“Has someone invented heroin yet?  Because if not, we should get a patent on that stuff.”

~Kurt Cobain

America likes putting time and effort into overly elaborate solutions to simple problems.  A common belief is that NASA spent over a million dollars researching a pen that could work in space, while the Russians solved the same issue by using a pencil.  Apparently, that is utter bullshit, and a pen for use in space was made independently by a company hoping to cash in on a “space-worthy pen” while American astronauts still used pencils.  The pen was only adopted because the lead in pencils occasionally would snap off and could cause mechanical problems inside the ship.

“THEY’LL CLOG THE INSTRUMENTS!”

But don’t let this common myth fool you, America still likes to go about things the long, hard, incredibly complicated and expensive way.  For example, when America had a series of Fruit Flies ruining crops, how did we handle that?  Pesticide?  Hell no.  Large bug zappers?  Get that out of our face.  No, America decided to research fruit flies to learn that their females only mate once in their lifespan, so they sterilized 45 million male fruit flies, doused them with pheromones, and set them loose to fire blanks at all the female fruit flies in the area.  That’s right, of all the solutions out there, America decided to actively neuter 45 million insects, make them sex crazy, and just let them go at all the female fruit flies.  That is not only insane, that is Americanly insane.  And we absolutely love it.

That’s why, we at AFFotD are going to show you some of the greatest American inventions that are absolutely useless.  Because nothing says “American” like wasting the time and money of dozens of people to create a product that no one needs.

Unfortunately for people living in log cabins out in forest preserves, America is a social culture.  We often require someone else’s assistance to get us through our everyday hazards, like riding tandem bicycles, or receiving the Heimlich Maneuver.  And some Americans would prefer to be anti-social.  If only there were a way to do something by yourself that you otherwise would need someone else to do for you.  Something like…

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Nature’s Most Terrifying Insect Creations

“Fuck nature.”

~AFFotD, everyday

As Americans, and purveyors of facts that tend to be, for lack of a better word, fun, we have a strong hatred for nature in all forms.  We’d sooner chug bleach than eat “all natural” food, because at least we knew that mankind had a hand in making that bleach (Plus?  Surprisingly sweet, goes very well with a cheese platter).  When we read about the world’s largest tree (and tallest living thing) being found in America, standing at 378 feet, we don’t reflect in awe at how this tree has outlived many generations of man, and even America as a nation, we get pissed off that it’s probably protected now, and we can’t turn it into a comically large chest of drawers to put in some small Indiana town somewhere.

Yeah you BETTER run

But, our strong “anti-Nature” stance sometimes gets some negative feedback from people who think “We need to preserve the planet for future generations” and “It’s not good to laugh about how the honey bees are dying off, because that’s actually going to devastate our ecosystem and agriculture.”  But guess what?  Nature started it.  Hurricanes, Tsunamis, Tornadoes, Susan Boyle, all of these are indestructible forces of nature that leaves nothing but shattered lives and broken dreams in their wake.  So why should we box with one hand behind our back?  As Nelson Muntz let us know regarding his pro-nuking-whales stance, “Gotta nuke something.”

This is not a war for the meek.  Nature has gone on the offensive, and it’s not just the direct assaults that we have to fear.  Nature’s representative, the Sandman, a distant cousin of Freddy Krueger, goes into our dreams at night and informs nature what are in our nightmares.  And then nature makes them real.

Nature makes them real.

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU….”

So below, we must perform our terrifying duty of ensuring that every American is aware of the very real nightmares that nature has unleashed on this world, in an edition we call…

Kill it Kill it Please AFFotD Make the Bad Man Stop!:  A Pictorial Discussion on Why We Must Destroy Nature, Because Fuck Nature.

[Editor’s note:  WARNING:  While these images do not portray any violence, sexuality, or other things that would be considered NSFW, they do have a very real risk of bringing back buried nightmares, because nature is a massive douchebag, and has created these terrifying creatures to haunt us at every turn.  Discretion is advised.  Seriously.  Fuck nature.]

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