Category Archives: Whiskey and Bourbon

Arguably the most American of spirits, all you need to know about brown liquors is at your fingertips, and hopefully your stomach shortly thereafter.

Get Your Hands Off My Bottle: A Short History of the Whiskey Rebellion

“Do.  Not.  Fuck.  With.  Our.  Whiskey.”

~18th Century Americans/19th Century Americans/20th Century Americans/You Get The Gist

whiskey rebellion

America was founded under a few core principles.  Now, it’s been a while since we’ve skimmed through the Declaration of Independence, and if you put a gun to our head we’d still not be able to tell you what the Third Amendment of the Constitution does, but we’re pretty sure America is all about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness through the imbibement of alcohol.  Nope, that’s right, we nailed it on the first try, don’t even try to ask Google if that’s right they’ll just steal your cookies and put them on boat servers and sell them to Nigerian Princes (besides being keen historians, we’re also internet experts).

We bring this up because we’d like to tell you about a very important history tale, from America’s distant past.  Imagine, if you will, a time when America’s very existence could be threatened by even the smallest of threats.  Picture a government trying to tax our booze to pay for war debts.  And imagine people rising up and saying, “Get your hands off our fucking booze” with enough anger and violence that it marks the only time that an acting President led troops to battle.

Yes, that’s right, we’re here to talk about the Whiskey Rebellion, the relatively minor yet strangely important hiccup in American history that, naturally, was centered around our nation’s love of alcohol.

Get Your Hands Off My Bottle:  A Short History of the Whiskey Rebellion

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The 10 Most Expensive Whiskeys in the World

“Hmm, I could buy one bottle of whiskey, or, OR, I could get drunk every day, for my whole life, on very good whiskey, and still not pay that much.  Decisions, decisions.”

~Practical American Booze Shoppers

 glengoyne

When we set out to bring you the closest thing to a comprehensive list of the world’s most expensive whiskeys that a writing staff of buzzed and lightly drunk gluttons could put together, we didn’t know what to expect.  We’ve covered the most expensive versions of various items here before, from pizza and hamburgers to yachts to even vodka, and as much as we wholeheartedly endorse waste and greed, we can’t ever get past the whole “if you can buy a thousand bottles of liquor for the price of one stupid status symbol, why not just go for bulk instead” mindset of things.  Our view on excess generally boils down to the following—take a hundred pounds of butter and carve it into a cow?  You keep doing you, you glorious American bastard.  But spend $10,000 on a single bottle of alcohol?  Is that really better than, say, 300 bottle of Woodford Reserve?

With that caveat in mind, we were (somewhat) pleasantly surprised to see that none of the entries of most expensive whiskeys come from the United States.  Sure, 99 times out of 100, when we see someone doing something better than America we start frothing at the mouth while demanding an immediate arms race, economy be damned, but in this instance, we’re happy to cede the title to the Scots, especially since, if you’re patient and really looking to flex your alcohol spending powers, $200 and knowing the right people can get most Americans the best whiskey in the world.

With that in mind, it’s time to delve into the world’s most expensive whiskeys.  We can guarantee you will never have the opportunity to take even a sip of any of these, so it’s best to just tell yourself they all taste like shoe leather and that everyone who purchased it immediately uttered, “Dear God, what have I done” as soon as they tried it.

The 10 Most Expensive Whiskeys in the World

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15 Bourbon Barrel-Aged Products of America

“This is madness.  Delicious, bourbon-y madness.”

~Bourbon Enthusiasts

 barrels

When an American distillery makes a bourbon, they’re left with two things—many bottles of delicious drunk juice, and a barrel that set them back $120 that can’t be reused but is still saturated with delicious bourbon flavor.  As in, legally, you cannot reuse a bourbon barrel to make another bourbon.  It’s a one-and-done proposition.  So, for decades, bourbon barrels were either discarded or sold to college students,

Then, in 1992, an at-the-time-relatively-unknown Chicago brewery called Goose Island released a beer called the Bourbon County Stout, and this happened.  Before eventually being bought out by Budweiser in an acquisition that was lamented on this very page, the concept of re-using bourbon barrels on products besides other whiskeys began to grow with Bourbon County Stout’s increasing popularity, and in the past several years we’ve not only seen dozens of beers that spend time aging in used bourbon barrels appear on the market, we’ve seen dozens of completely non-beer-related products that spend time in bourbon barrels got up for sale.  Literally dozens.

The wisest and most magnanimous among us know that adding bourbon to anything makes it delicious and American, and we can literally think of nothing that isn’t improved by the introduction of bourbon.  Have an empty glass and the distinct feeling you’ve wasted the last 15 years of your life?  Boom, put some bourbon in there and watch your worries melt away.  It’s 3AM and the last woman left at the bar looks like a goblin who manages a Wal-Mart?  Bam, bourbon yourself up, next thing you know you’ll swear you’re taking home 1998-era Cindy Crawford.  Your new baby from the aforementioned ill-advised union won’t shut up and you’ve got a hangover?  Boo-ya, drunk babies don’t cry, that’s fucking science.  So with that in mind, we’re going to list of fifteen products that, on their own are good, but when aged in bourbon, are incredible.  (Except for a few gross ones).

Fifteen Bourbon Barrel-Aged Products of America

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Five Delicious Culinary Treats Made Out Of Bourbon

“I want this inside me.”

~Internal AFFotD Memo

bourbon

For most Americans, the only complaint they can think of regarding alcohol is that you can’t drink and eat it at the same time.  Of course, professional booze hounds throughout the nation know that this isn’t entirely true, and some of you have already discovered and happily devoured various alcohol-laced treat after a fulfilling meal/binge drinking session.

But if you’re an American hoping to eat your booze in a delicious manner, there’s only one base liquor you can allow yourself to seek.  Bourbon.  Giver of life, taker of brain cells, more American than apple pie bourbon.  You can go ahead and thank us in advance for introducing these to your life.

Five Delicious Culinary Treats Made Out Of Bourbon

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Point-Counterpoint: Breast-Poured Whiskey

“I know I should like this, but…it’s weird, right?  That’s not just me?  It’s, like, super weird?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

whiskey pour

Mainlining America like a freedom junkie isn’t all whiskey enemas, fried foods, and blackout “fuck you” voice mails left on your boss’s cell phone.  In fact, it’s pretty hard to get to the core of what’s truly American without becoming some sort of cartoonish caricature since we live in a nation full of gray areas.  We might love foxy boxing, and we might love watching Sylvester Stallone breaking people’s necks, but we still were sad in that scene in Million Dollar Baby where Sylvester Stallone broke Hillary Swank’s neck (full disclosure, that might have been stool that had a passing resemblance to Stallone).

So while your initial reaction when reading about the German liquor company that sells whiskey that is poured on a Playboy model’s bare breasts before being bottled might be, “Dammit AFFotD, where were you on this, how’d you let the Krauts beat us to this!?” it’s really a much more complicated issue, with many people firmly believing that it sounds actually kinda gross, and another group arguing, you know, titties.

So we figured this was as good of a time as any to take two of our writers and have them discuss the philosophical implications of this product in yet another AFFotD Point/Counterpoint.

POINT/COUNTERPOINT:  BREAST-POURED WHISKEY- AMAZING OR KINDA WEIRD?

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AFFotD News Item of the Month: The World’s Most Expensive Scotch

 “I only got two speeds- drunk and dead.”

~Jack Kerouac

We’ve previously discussed liquor that sells for inordinate amounts of money.  And we’ve talked about how it’s conflicting, since you can spend that money on things like, much more booze.  And sure, in the case of the 45 year old Chivas, the Scotch was being sold for $200,000 largely because the bottle was balls expensive.  And in retrospect, that’s a huge waste.  If you’re spending a fuckton of money for booze, you’d better make sure the booze is what’s worth it.

If we were paying thousands of dollars for a bottle of liquor, we’d almost prefer that it come in a ziplock bag, just so we can know that we’re not paying any markup for a diamond studded bottle or anything.  Which is why we’re here to bring your attention to the most expensive bottle of scotch ever sold in an auction (held in just a normal glass bottle) in 2012’s first…

AFFotD News Item of the Month:  The World’s Most Expensive Scotch

 

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George Washington’s Eggnog Recipe (Will Getchya Drunk)

“Hey baby, let’s get you out of those not-yet-drunk clothes.”

~George Washington

While the Holidays have past, and we are given a much harder time coming up with excuses to start drinking on a Wednesday at noon (“it’s, uh, the birthday of…uh…Jack…Daniels…”) we can still take a moment to look back fondly on aspects that make the Holidays so warm and inviting.  And drunk.  And an awesome but mean trick to play on your lactose intolerant friends.  Yes, we’re talking about eggnog.

“But AFFotD, why are you talking about eggnog when there’s a picture of George Washington that looks like he’s teaching the Indian boy next to him how to properly give a hand jibber?” you no doubt are asking, and to that we say, hey, nice use of the word “hand jibber” it’s nice to know that hasn’t completely fallen out of style yet.  But secondly, we have to tell you something.  This article?  Is not going to be some mamby pamby eggnog article.  Fuck that.  No, today we are going to introduce to you…

George Washington’s Eggnog Recipe (Will Getchya Drunk)

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$200,000 seems about right for a bottle of Scotch, right?

“For this much money I can get drunk 3 million times, easily.”

~The average American liver

 

America loves spending too much money on pointless status items.  Why?  Well, flashy, extremely expensive items help tell the average American that they are in the presence of a wealthy, important person with very poorly functioning genitalia, for one.  But there’s one area where AFFotD staff has to draw the line, and that’s where obnoxiously overpriced liquor comes into play.

Now we’re not saying that there’s anything wrong with an NBA star spending the enough money to buy a house just for a night out in Vegas, but maybe we’re just too cold and calculating when it comes to liquor.  Bottle service is for douchebags, and we can’t help but shake the feeling that something is wrong about a bunch of Wall Street brokers spending 300 bucks for a bottle of Grey Goose that would cost them 28 bucks in the seedy liquor store down the street.  Not that we don’t approve of flashing some green to try to get laid, but as Americans, when we see someone order bottle service we just thing, “they can get ten times as drunk using that much money.”

As far as America goes, the drunker you can get for your dollar, the better.  That’s why we spend most Friday nights pouring nail polisher into a Brita Filter.  Which is why we had a moment of pause when we discovered that the company Royal Salute (who aren’t American) decided to make a bottle of Scotch (which, also, not American) that costs $200,000.

Holy hell.  Well, let’s try to put this into more sensible drunk statistics for you.  Because when we first heard about this, we thought, “Holy shit, that’s awesome,” until we realized how much Pappy Van Winkle that can buy for that same amount.  And then we got mad.  But then we got drunk, so now we’re just going to make fun of things.

Artist’s Rendition

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Bourbon is Still Delicious

“Our shit might not be that good, but you’d still suckle it like a calf at her mamma’s tit after going long enough without any other type of bourbon…”

~Jim “Gotchya Drunk” Beam


AFFotD has spent time in the past discussing the glorious American spirit known as Bourbon, and after a thousand words you’d probably have assumed we were done talking about it.  Well, you assumed wrong.  Much like the shakes most Americans get in the morning after they wake up but before they shotgun their first beer in the shower, we were starting to have some bad withdrawal from covering so many topics that weren’t whiskey or bourbon related.  Every day that went by with us talking about the goddamn Rapture, glorious old-timey mustaches, or poop felt like the moment of resigned clarity each American faces when they wake up to find that the so-called “people who care about” them had cleared out their liquor cabinets, just before the delirium tremens sets in.  America is full of epic alcoholics, is what we’re trying to say.

We think it’s safe to assume that most of you reading this assumed we were referring to the beer, and not the horrific side effect of alcohol withdrawal.

We missed talking about bourbon, and you missed (drink) having AFFotD (drink) write articles that very (drink) subtly and subliminally (drink) told you to go out and drink (…d..drink).    That’s why we are here to add…

AFFotD’s Appendix to the Original Guide to Bourbon (in America)

 

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An American History of America’s Liquor: Bourbon

“If I haven’t gotten drunk to the point that I start hallucinating, it’s been a crap night.  Now, who wants to duel?”

~Andrew Jackson

While the America Fun Fact of the Day staff never really paid much attention in History Class, we do remember at one point hearing “something something that turns that cogs of the American machine.”  Knowing what we know about America (namely everything, despite whatever that bitch of an American History summer school teacher told us) there is only one logical thing this could have been referring to.

That, of course, is booze.  And of all the boozes out there, only one is so American it was discovered in America, created in America, named after somewhere in American, and is responsible for more spouses accidentally falling down the stairs in America than a Green Bay Packers loss.

We are of course referring to the brownest of the browns, the sweetest of the sweet, giver of life and hangovers.  Bourbon.

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