“Our shit might not be that good, but you’d still suckle it like a calf at her mamma’s tit after going long enough without any other type of bourbon…”
~Jim “Gotchya Drunk” Beam
AFFotD has spent time in the past discussing the glorious American spirit known as Bourbon, and after a thousand words you’d probably have assumed we were done talking about it. Well, you assumed wrong. Much like the shakes most Americans get in the morning after they wake up but before they shotgun their first beer in the shower, we were starting to have some bad withdrawal from covering so many topics that weren’t whiskey or bourbon related. Every day that went by with us talking about the goddamn Rapture, glorious old-timey mustaches, or poop felt like the moment of resigned clarity each American faces when they wake up to find that the so-called “people who care about” them had cleared out their liquor cabinets, just before the delirium tremens sets in. America is full of epic alcoholics, is what we’re trying to say.
We think it’s safe to assume that most of you reading this assumed we were referring to the beer, and not the horrific side effect of alcohol withdrawal.
We missed talking about bourbon, and you missed (drink) having AFFotD (drink) write articles that very (drink) subtly and subliminally (drink) told you to go out and drink (…d..drink). That’s why we are here to add…
AFFotD’s Appendix to the Original Guide to Bourbon (in America)
“BLAH BLAH RAPTURE BLAH BLAH MAYAN CALANDERRRRR”
We’ve been hearing a lot of talk that the Rapture is upon us, that the Mayans are going to turn the world into quicksand or something, or dozens of other theories about the world’s inevitable demise. And as we can see from this picture above which we’re pretty sure is the ending of the movie Ghost, some of these potential End of Days scenarios will involve a lot of American citizens left behind by a vengeful God to fend for themselves. But really, is it a sin to drink a bathtub of whiskey every day? Is it? No, we’re seriously asking, whenever we pick up a bible it leaves third degree burns on our hands. Not because we’re anti-Christ-y, we just tend to have pretty violently strong allergic reactions to long words. Someone once tried to make Johnny Roosevelt read the word “perspicacious” and his body started swelling like a bubble-gum obsessed girl who got on Willy Wonka’s bad side.
“But AFFotD,” you might be saying, “Stop talking about how you can’t read the Bible. We’re horrible sinners, and if there’s a Rapture, we’re going to be stuck on Earth. There’s only so many shotgun shells and Phil Collins CDs in the world, and besides Skeet shooting gets old pretty fast. What are we supposed to do with ourselves when we’re not out defiling churches and installing voyeuristic cameras in attractive womens’ bathrooms?”
To you, hypothetically creepy reader, we’d first say, calm the fuck down and learn some manners. We didn’t interrupt you, no wonder you’re going to hell.
And to answer your question, it’s quite simple really. When you find yourself facing the end of days, after you’re done aggressively masturbating while sobbing, “No hope, no hope…” you’re going to want to take advantage of the unique situation that you’re finding yourself in. Being left behind is no picnic…it’s a fucking 24 hour party.
But first, you have do so much looting. That’s why we’re here to present you with.
The Official AFFotD Guide to Looting
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, America's Greatest Fun Facts
Tagged 3D TV, Alcohol, America, Avatar, Bible, Boondock Saints, Christopher Walken, Deer Hunter, Elvis, Ghost, Gin, ipad, Jason Bourne, Johnny Roosevelt, Kirstie Alley, Left Behind, Man vs. Wild, Mayans, Phil Collins, Quicksand, Rapture, Rum, Skeet Shooting, The Rapture, vodka, Wal-Mart, Will Wonka