“BLAH BLAH RAPTURE BLAH BLAH MAYAN CALANDERRRRR”
We’ve been hearing a lot of talk that the Rapture is upon us, that the Mayans are going to turn the world into quicksand or something, or dozens of other theories about the world’s inevitable demise. And as we can see from this picture above which we’re pretty sure is the ending of the movie Ghost, some of these potential End of Days scenarios will involve a lot of American citizens left behind by a vengeful God to fend for themselves. But really, is it a sin to drink a bathtub of whiskey every day? Is it? No, we’re seriously asking, whenever we pick up a bible it leaves third degree burns on our hands. Not because we’re anti-Christ-y, we just tend to have pretty violently strong allergic reactions to long words. Someone once tried to make Johnny Roosevelt read the word “perspicacious” and his body started swelling like a bubble-gum obsessed girl who got on Willy Wonka’s bad side.
“But AFFotD,” you might be saying, “Stop talking about how you can’t read the Bible. We’re horrible sinners, and if there’s a Rapture, we’re going to be stuck on Earth. There’s only so many shotgun shells and Phil Collins CDs in the world, and besides Skeet shooting gets old pretty fast. What are we supposed to do with ourselves when we’re not out defiling churches and installing voyeuristic cameras in attractive womens’ bathrooms?”
To you, hypothetically creepy reader, we’d first say, calm the fuck down and learn some manners. We didn’t interrupt you, no wonder you’re going to hell.
And to answer your question, it’s quite simple really. When you find yourself facing the end of days, after you’re done aggressively masturbating while sobbing, “No hope, no hope…” you’re going to want to take advantage of the unique situation that you’re finding yourself in. Being left behind is no picnic…it’s a fucking 24 hour party.
But first, you have do so much looting. That’s why we’re here to present you with.
The Official AFFotD Guide to Looting
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, America's Greatest Fun Facts
Tagged 3D TV, Alcohol, America, Avatar, Bible, Boondock Saints, Christopher Walken, Deer Hunter, Elvis, Ghost, Gin, ipad, Jason Bourne, Johnny Roosevelt, Kirstie Alley, Left Behind, Man vs. Wild, Mayans, Phil Collins, Quicksand, Rapture, Rum, Skeet Shooting, The Rapture, vodka, Wal-Mart, Will Wonka
“Well, no that’s the BAD kind of vigilante justice. This is the GOOD kind of vigilante justice…”
~AFFotD’s PR director in response to comments today’s fun fact will receive
Okay, so we at AFFotD are obligated to say that this article, which we will tell you right off the bat is about great moments in American vigilantism history, is in no way an endorsement of vigilantism, and that laws and regulations are in place for a reason, and it is a slippery slope when you go outside the law to enact vengeance. We do not condone acts of vigilantism, and point out that the consequences are real, and many people have suffered unduly because of misguided vigilante zeal that we feel is irresponsible, and ultimately damaging to a society of law and order.
This is what irresponsibility looks like. You wouldn’t want to look that cool, right?
Justice is an imperfect monster in society. Humanity has flaws, and those flaws sometimes lead to punishment being wrongfully meted out. And yes, there have been instances of Leo Frank sized injustices at the hands of a vigilante public, but a fair amount of death row inmates have been equally guilty and equally punished by the justice system. So we’re not here to quibble in the nuances and ethical complexities of vigilante justice. We’re just here to tell you about times when it gets fucking awesome.
Here is part one of AFFotD’s When Vigilantism Goes Awesome.
Posted in When Vigilantism Goes Awesome
Tagged AFFotd Presents When Vigilantism Goes Awesome, America, American Flags, Beatles, Boondock Saints, Fred Phelps, God Hates The Westboro Baptist church, Leo Frank, Matthew Shepard, Momento, Scott LoBaido, South Africa, The Who, Tommy, Vigilante, Vigilantism, WBC, Westboro Baptist Church