Tag Archives: Christopher Walken

The Rapture’s Guide to Looting

“BLAH BLAH RAPTURE BLAH BLAH MAYAN CALANDERRRRR”

~Uh…2012?

 

We’ve been hearing a lot of talk that the Rapture is upon us, that the Mayans are going to turn the world into quicksand or something, or dozens of other theories about the world’s inevitable demise.  And as we can see from this picture above which we’re pretty sure is the ending of the movie Ghost, some of these potential End of Days scenarios will involve a lot of American citizens left behind by a vengeful God to fend for themselves.  But really, is it a sin to drink a bathtub of whiskey every day?  Is it?  No, we’re seriously asking, whenever we pick up a bible it leaves third degree burns on our hands.  Not because we’re anti-Christ-y, we just tend to have pretty violently strong allergic reactions to long words.  Someone once tried to make Johnny Roosevelt read the word “perspicacious” and his body started swelling like a bubble-gum obsessed girl who got on Willy Wonka’s bad side.

…Kirstie Alley?

“But AFFotD,” you might be saying, “Stop talking about how you can’t read the Bible.  We’re horrible sinners, and if there’s a Rapture, we’re going to be stuck on Earth.  There’s only so many shotgun shells and Phil Collins CDs in the world, and besides Skeet shooting gets old pretty fast.  What are we supposed to do with ourselves when we’re not out defiling churches and installing voyeuristic cameras in attractive womens’ bathrooms?”

To you, hypothetically creepy reader, we’d first say, calm the fuck down and learn some manners.  We didn’t interrupt you, no wonder you’re going to hell.

And to answer your question, it’s quite simple really.  When you find yourself facing the end of days, after you’re done aggressively masturbating while sobbing, “No hope, no hope…” you’re going to want to take advantage of the unique situation that you’re finding yourself in.  Being left behind is no picnic…it’s a fucking 24 hour party.

But first, you have do so much looting.  That’s why we’re here to present you with.

The Official AFFotD Guide to Looting

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America’s Dumbest Lawsuits

“Listen here, if you say one more bad thing about us, we will sue your ass to the stone age.”

~France, in a letter to AFFotD

 

When we first set up the America Fun Fact of the Day offices, we installed a bell in our mail room.  The joke was supposed to be that every time we got a Cease and Desist order, or a letter threatening to sue us, we would ring the bell and everyone would cheer and applaud.  We thought it would just be the few occasional nutjobs accusing us of sending messages through microwaves into their heads.  Which, granted, we’re totally doing, but we’re pretty sure there’s nothing illegal about it, and it’s American enough that the government totally tested the shit out of that stuff back during the Cold War.  But, as it turns out, we say some fairly “controversial” shit, and “piss off a lot of people who have attorneys on retainer.”

Needless to say, that bell developed a Liberty-Bell-like crack in it after our third day of operations.  Now we just have a buzzer, and it goes off like, fifteen times a day.  It’s the reason why we had to hire a lawyer to the AFFotD ranks, a particularly odious task, since it is next to impossible to find a lawyer who is American enough to qualify for AFFotD staff membership.  We begrudgingly settled on Ray Beckerman, who spends most of his time trying to stop the RIAA from suing hardworking Americans from downloading music, which is the most American way to listen to music (well, other than blowing into a half empty whisky jug).  He’s used his expertise to help keep AFFotD running, through a combination of savvy settlements, timely court decisions, and a few instances of having Christopher Walken go to the plaintiffs and say creepy, threatening things to them.

“You should.  drop.  this……………suit”

And in the course of our occasionally “immoral” legal dealings, we have come to a realization about the legal system.  Frivolous Lawsuits are one of the more American things we can think of.  On one hand, you have the Americans trying to cheat the system to get money they don’t deserve.  We can appreciate that.  And as the recipient of numerous frivolous lawsuits, we can just insult the hell out of these pieces of shit.  See?  It lets us look down on our fellow man.  How much more American can you get?

So, in the spirit of America, and as an excuse to just eviscerate some assholes as a way to vent about our continuous legal woes, today’s fun fact is…

The Most American Frivolous Lawsuit by Asshole UnAmerican Americans.

 

All the below cases are real.

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