Category Archives: Pizza Pizza

Pizza pizza, you’re so great.
Pizza pizza, overweight.
Pizza pizza you’re so fine.
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DiCarlo’s Pizza Wants You To Know That They, and They Alone, Are Responsible for All Awful Ohio Valley-Style Pizzas

Posted on April 4, 2021 | 6 comments

“Please remove my company from your website. I don’t want my company listed on your page.”

Management of DiCarlo’s Pizza, sent to our staff at 8:30 AM on a Sunday

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Eight years ago (!) we wrote a pretty obviously troll-y post about the worst pizza styles in America. Was this a flimsy excuse for us to dunk on St. Louis-Style pizza, a thing we’ve written about enough you’d be fair to wonder if we caught a St. Louis-Style pizza having sex with our wife? Yes.

If we’re being completely honest, we started that article with St. Louis pizza locked in at the number one spot (it’s a cracker covered in sugary-as-fuck sauce and fake cheese that only is sold in St. Louis) and just sort of scrambled around looking for other “meh” styles.

We landed on California-style (don’t put healthy shit on pizza please), Tomato Pies from Jersey (it’s just….bread with cold sauce), Quad City-style pizza (the word “spice jam” should tell you enough about that one) and Ohio Valley-style pizza, a type of pizza where, we should absolutely note, we referenced exactly zero specific businesses behind its creation.

We said that Ohio Valley-style pizza is a thing, which cooks a pizza and then tops it with cold, un-cooked cheese and toppings, and also, what the fuck?

Anyway, as you can see from the above email, nearly a decade after writing this jokey article, one of the owners of a DiCarlo’s Pizza location, the apparent creator of this bullshit Lunchables approach to pizza, got up on a Sunday morning, googled “Ohio Valley Style Pizza”, found our article, and decided to fire off a super angry and thirsty missive to our staff via their iPad.

And as you should all know by know, if you don’t want us to write an article making fun of you, maybe don’t send us angry emails where you scream at us for talking about your brand. Especially when we had never heard of you before today.

So let’s thank whoever is in charge at DiCarlo’s marketing for giving us a fun topic article.

Di Carlo’s Pizza Is Almost Hilariously Angry, All the Time

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Six Regional Pizzas You’ve (Probably) Never Heard Of

Posted on May 8, 2019 | Leave a comment

“I have very strong opinions about other people’s opinions about pizza, and this angers me.”

~The Internet

pizza

Back in 2013 we wrote what, arguably, is our most divisive article that doesn’t insult ALDI. In this article, we looked at all the regional pizzas in America, and told you which ones were ass. A lot of people felt compelled to defend St. Louis pizza! We didn’t know that there were so many wrong people in the world! And we get it, pizza is a touchy subject for some people. Like, it really shouldn’t fucking be, it’s just sauce, dough and cheese with other shit tossed in sometimes, but whatever, we’ll play along.

So when one of our interns suggested we do another pizza article, we took away his bourbon privileges for the rest of the day. Who wants to deal with those kind of headaches? But then we took a step back and said, fuck it, we’ve got a deadline to meet and literally every other staff writer was passed out drunk after celebrating a very important holiday in the office that we call “Wednesday on a kind of chilly day.”

So how can we talk about pizza in a way that won’t piss everyone off? Maybe, just maybe, for once, we’ll just talk about food without commenting on how delicious or gross we find it. It’s a novel concept, for sure. So fuck it, let’s give it a go. Here are some pizzas from across America that you likely have never encountered before.

Six Regional Pizzas You’ve (Probably) Never Heard Of

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A Brief Foray into How Other Countries Are Ruining Pizza

Posted on February 21, 2018 | Leave a comment

“Oh God, no, not pizza. Ruin ANYTHING ELSE but spare the pizza!”

~Your Taste Buds

 hawaiin pizza

We talk a lot about pizza around these parts, but can you blame us? Pizza is just about the perfect, when done right. But, as you no doubt know, it’s…not always done right. Now we get a lot of flack from St. Louis and Ohio Valley residents because of our article that (correctly) points out what their regional pizzas are (garbage) but we can at least take solace in knowing that, as a nation, we generally have our shit together.

Other countries, though? Not so much. Sure, we’ve previously talked about Pizza Hut’s crazy international menu items, and England’s hot dog crust pizza, but we’ve not really taken the moment to sit down and let you know how badly other countries are screwing up pizza.

And boy howdy, are they screwing up pizzas.

Granted, this article only lists isolated instances—a bad pizza idea from a country other than America does not mean that the country in question does not know how to make at least passable pizza otherwise. But still, when we see pizzas being ruined across the world, it’s our duty, as Americans, to point it out. You know, so we can feel superior, and also so we can say, “Well, sure, we have St. Louis-style pizza, but we’re not monsters.”

Because these pizzas? Yar, there be monsters.

A Brief Foray into How Other Countries Are Ruining Pizza

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Pizza Puff: Your New Favorite Fried Pizza Product

Posted on July 2, 2015 | 1 comment

“I don’t care how it came to be, just gimme gimme gimme!”

~The Average American’s First Response to Hearing of the Existence of Pizza Puffs

pizza puff

America is a pretty big country, all things considered, and we’re not just talking about geographically.  Different areas have noticeably different cultures—you could probably find more differences between a small town in Texas and a co-op in Portland than you’d find between separate European nations that don’t even speak the same language.

This size and diversity makes road trips awesome, while also ensuring that no matter how hard you try, you won’t be able to find and taste every single delicious local food concoction.  Think about it—there is, right now, some awesome, underground food invention in your very hometown or city that you haven’t even heard of yet.

Now just imagine that on a nationwide scale.  Every city in America has a type of food that is unique to them, and the only thing that takes away from the joy we find in that knowledge is the fact that most of America goes their lives not knowing that their new favorite food is out there somewhere.

We bring this up because we’re going to tell you about one of those local treats—the pizza puff.  Made in Chicago, but really only known to the Chicagoans who often frequent run down hot dog stands (so, you know, pretty much every Chicagoan) there’s not much history surrounding it, apart from the fact that it’s absurdly delicious, recklessly unhealthy, and, well, it’s basically like a deep fried pizza pocket, and if that doesn’t sound appealing to you, close this browser, turn off your computer, and drown yourself in a river, because you’re doing life wrong.

For those of you still dry and alive, however, let’s talk about pizza puffs.

Pizza Puff:  Your New Favorite Fried Pizza Product

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Jog N’ Vom: America’s Official Food and Drink Races

Posted on January 15, 2015 | Leave a comment

“Chug chug chug chug chew chew chew chew run run run run!”

~Only the Most American of Runners

pizza run

Americans either love or hate exercising.  Sure, you can find some middle ground of, people that guess they should go for a jog today, but generally speaking, you have two camps of American exercisers—the kind of person that gets really into their workout journal, and the kind of person who actively brags that they go out of the way to limit their day to day physical exertions as much as possible.  The stereotypes are in place—you have the cross-fit trainer on a Paleo diet, or you have the overweight American chugging a beer while eating a ChipoHut Taco (that’s where you take a Chipotle burrito, put it inside a full Pizza Hut pizza, and fold the whole thing into a massive taco).

Naturally, the latter is the more American option.  However, in the past few years, people who “exercise” and “take care of their bodies” and “can go up a flight of stairs without running out of breath” have seemingly taken a hard look at themselves and said, “Yes, I should still exercise, but maybe I can find a way to do it while also being a little unhealthy, which sounds a lot more fun.”

We’ve coined a term for this kind of slightly unhealthy, exponentially more fun exercise—the Jog N’ Vom.  Basically, dozens of races have sprung up across America that don’t want you to just run an arbitrary distance while they time you—they want you to incorporate drinking or eating something super unhealthy into your run, turning your 5K into an eating or drinking competition, which is a wonderful thing.

So, for you health nuts out there that still want to be the best American you can be, we present with you a (fairly) comprehensive list of the races that let you be bad while being good.

Jog N’ Vom:  America’s Official Food and Drink Races

beer run      

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Posted in America's Best Foods, America's Culinary Treats, Pizza Pizza, Strange America, Strange Foods

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Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: The Pizza Little Party Pizzeria

Posted on November 14, 2013 | 6 comments

“Pizza Little Party?  Oh man, let’s try to avoid jokes calling Pizza Little Party a Japanese pizza establishment, I’d be so rac…oh God, it’s real, isn’t it?”

~Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD

let's summer pizza party

Before we get started, let’s take a deep breath and look at that screenshot.  Just, really soak it in.  Let it wash over you like a cool stream.  This is a thing that exists, that happened in real life, that is currently happening in real life.  Don’t let yourself forget that.                                                                       

For a website that dedicates itself to the Americanness of being American, we sure do seem to talk about Japan a lot.  You might wonder, “Why?  Why are there more articles about Japanese Doritos on this site than ones about Ben Franklin?”  Well, for starters, if you ever tried to write about Ben Franklin’s life, you immediately would come down with a severe case of 18th century syphilis, and we’ve yet to find a writer to volunteer for that (though, come to think of it, we might have a perfect candidate).  But secondly, Japan takes American ideals but then warps them in fascinating, terrifying ways, and we hope that maybe, just maybe, by showing them the craziness of their ways they might take things down a notch and start embracing a more normally (read as, “less tentacles”) American way of life.

You’re right.  It’s futile.  They’re too far gone to be saved.  Just look at how they do pizza chains.

Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong:  The Pizza Little Party Pizzeria

 pizza little party

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The Five Worst Regional Pizzas In America

Posted on May 22, 2013 | 78 comments

“Pizza is a lot like sex.  When it’s good, it’s really good.  When it’s bad?  It’s still pretty good.  And when it’s God awful, you find you can’t stop screaming, and it takes years for the nightmares to finally stop.”

~You

 grossa

Previously, we showed you the five best regional pizza styles in America, with a hidden agenda of angering New Yorkers.  Today, we’re looking at the dark underbelly of pizza.  Because, as great as America is at making pizza, not everyone can get it right.  Hell, Brazil makes and eats 1.4 million pizzas every day, but even with all that practice they still do shit like put chocolate on it.  So as great as pizza is, it’s not always a winner.  The best pizzas?  Are glorious.

These pizzas?  Are terrifying.

The Five Worst Regional Pizzas In America

gross american flag pizza

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The Five Best Regional Pizzas In America

Posted on May 21, 2013 | 20 comments

“Goddamn it AFFotD, now I REALLY want pizza for dinner.”

~You

more pizza

We here at AFFotD have a hard time shutting up about pizza, probably because it’s delicious and incredible and if you don’t like pizza you’re a bad person and you should feel bad.  However, in our rush to point out things like “Pizza with toppings put in the crust” or “Goddamn it Japan you’re doing it wrong” we’ve overlooked one of the most important aspects of pizza’s culinary life—its European beginnings, and America’s impressive ability to adapt it for its own heart-clogging purposes.  Pizza as a dish originated in Naples, Italy, much more recently than you would assume—while variations of bread baked with cheese have been around since the ancient Greeks, and Italians were eating some combination of baked bread, cheese, and tomato called “pizza” since the 17th century, the “modern” pizza likely wasn’t invented until 1889, using red tomato, green basil, and white mozzarella so as to cover the pie in the three colors of the Italian flag.  It’s basically the same logic that America applied when inventing red, white, and blue jello shots.

Despite being such a famously “Italian” food staple, America wasn’t particularly far behind the curve in the pizza department.  The first American pizza establishment opened up in the Little Italy neighborhood of New York by 1905.  Once pizza reached our shores, we went to work on perfecting it, and we’ve since gone on to develop countless regional forms of the dish, some of them barely resembling the original Italian creation.  Usually that’s for the best.  Sometimes, not so much.

But we are a land of experimentation, and we’re here to embrace that quality, so join us for the first part of a two part pizza spectacular where we show you the best and worst of America’s regional pizzas, starting with the best because we know you’re hungry right now and we do so love to torture you.

The Five Best Regional Pizzas In America

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The History of Chicago-Style Pizza

Posted on May 9, 2013 | 4 comments

“That’s not a pizza, it’s a damn casserole!  I feel strangely threatened when I see different versions of a food my city’s supposed to be known for!”

~New Yorkers

chicago style pizza

At its heart, pizza is just cheese, dough, and tomato sauce, topped with whatever additional ingredient you want.  Inherently, pizza exists to breed creativity and adaptivity.  In the hands of madmen and foreigners, this culinary freedom can be disastrous, but in the hands of true Americans, this can create an unhealthy, delicious American meal glorious enough to single-handedly keep additional-belt-hole-punchers in business.  One of the most glorious examples of this, of course, is the Chicago-style pizza.  Less of a pizza pie, and more of a pizza cake, Chicago’s deep dish pizza gives you as much fat, grease, and cheese as you’d expect to find from a city that’s primary gift to the realm of fine cooking involves hot dogs and roast beef dipped in its own juices.

So with a casual, “Get over it, yes, we get it, you guys are proud of your pizza, and you have good pizza places, but stop acting like you’ve done anything original to the style just because you use special tap water to make the crust” to our now-livid readers in New York, AFFotD is proud to present you with…

The History of Chicago-Style Pizza

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The World’s Most Expensive Pizzas

Posted on August 29, 2012 | 7 comments

“Pizza pizza, go in my tummy, me so hungie, me so hungie.”

 ~The Worst

While America can’t lay claim to the invention of pizza, we certainly eat it better than anyone else.  Pizza has become an integral dietary requirement of drunks and stoners alike, and even if Pizza Hut gets a little weird with it overseas, it is a simple yet effective grease-delivery advice.  At its core, pizza is just bread, cheese, sauce, and whatever topping you want to choose in order to start arguments with the coworkers who are also stuck working late with you.

Of course, people say the same thing about hamburgers, and look what rich people have done to that.  That’s right, America, it’s time to take out your monocles, practice your best “Character from Monopoly” accent, and try to contain your natural inclinations to begin a class war, as we present you with…

The World’s Most Expensive Pizzas

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