“Oh God, no, not pizza. Ruin ANYTHING ELSE but spare the pizza!”
~Your Taste Buds
We talk a lot about pizza around these parts, but can you blame us? Pizza is just about the perfect, when done right. But, as you no doubt know, it’s…not always done right. Now we get a lot of flack from St. Louis and Ohio Valley residents because of our article that (correctly) points out what their regional pizzas are (garbage) but we can at least take solace in knowing that, as a nation, we generally have our shit together.
Other countries, though? Not so much. Sure, we’ve previously talked about Pizza Hut’s crazy international menu items, and England’s hot dog crust pizza, but we’ve not really taken the moment to sit down and let you know how badly other countries are screwing up pizza.
And boy howdy, are they screwing up pizzas.
Granted, this article only lists isolated instances—a bad pizza idea from a country other than America does not mean that the country in question does not know how to make at least passable pizza otherwise. But still, when we see pizzas being ruined across the world, it’s our duty, as Americans, to point it out. You know, so we can feel superior, and also so we can say, “Well, sure, we have St. Louis-style pizza, but we’re not monsters.”
Because these pizzas? Yar, there be monsters.
A Brief Foray into How Other Countries Are Ruining Pizza
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, Insulting Foreigners, Pizza Pizza, The Rest of Them
Tagged America, Bad Pizza, Brazil, Canada, Cockroaches, Donuts, Japan, Marshmallow Peeps, pizza, Pizza Donuts, Sweden, Worst Pizza
“Why are we still doing this?”
~AFFotD’s Candy Taste Testers
A few weeks ago, we talked about marshmallow Peeps. Specifically, the fact that marshmallow Peeps, which exist only to taste like sugar coated with more sugar, with the added benefit of being able to bite the head of a cute inanimate object, puzzlingly comes in a variety of flavors, most of which are horrible. The formula for the Peep is basic—pump enough sweetness into a marshmallow as you can without it technically becoming a hate crime, drop it in some children’s Easter baskets, and laugh as you watch their parents hopefully try to control them. Trying to make Peeps taste like anything else is just showing off.
Well actually, it’d be showing off if they were actually good at picking flavors. Which they are not. So, they’re showing off in the way you’re showing off if you try to do a backflip and land on your fucking neck. Anyway, here are some more mistakes made by the Just Born company, makers of marshmallow Peeps.
More of the Grossest Marshmallow Peeps Flavors
Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged America, Blue Raspberry, Blue Raspberry Peeps, gross flavors, Lime Peeps, Marshmallow, Marshmallow Peeps, Mystery Peeps, Orange Peeps, Party cake Peeps, Peeps, Red Velvet Peeps
“I said put down the Peeps, for God’s sake!”
There are three kinds of people in America. Children, people who still love Peeps because they remember their childhood fondly, and people who think Peeps are way too sweet for their taste and/or are diabetic and don’t want to fall into another Easter coma. But no matter what category you fall into, it’s important to remember that there is no ego to the marshmallow Peep—if you went up to someone obsessive with Peeps and said, “I think Peeps are gross, the texture is weird and they’re too sweet” they’d probably just shrug and go, “Yeah, I can see that. I like them, though.”
That’s because the question of if you like Peeps or not depends on if you like mainlining sugar into your system until the world starts to vibrate around you, with a secondary question of if you like your world-altering sucrose delivery system to be soft and fluffy, or left out a few days so it’s a bit stale in a weirdly appealing way. Either way, when you think of Peeps, you think of mutilated faux-chickens that all taste the same no matter what color they come in. And you would be wrong.
Strangely, not only are there flavors of Peeps other than “Impossibly Sweet,” there are over a dozen, and just about every single one seems like a horrible idea. Like, a two-article–spanning amount of badness. This is what happens when you mess with perfection, people. Or, like, just try to add weird flavors to things that don’t need any more flavor.
The Grossest Marshmallow Peeps Flavors
Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged America, Candy Corn Peeps, Caramel Apple Peeps, gross flavors, Halloween Peeps, Marshmallow, marshmallow Peep, Marshmallow Peeps, Peeps, pumpkin spice peeps, Sour Watermelon Peeps, sweet lemonade peeps
“If it weren’t for these fluffy fuckers, we’d be bankrupt within a week.”
What do you get when you combine gelatin, sugar, water and corn syrup? No, not diabetes. Well…
But no, the answer we are going for is one of the most American dessert/decoration/camping/breakfast/anything candied foods available. That’s right, we’re talking about the ever Vegan-Unfriendly Marshmallow. Marshmallows are a staple candy in American cuisine, seen everywhere from breakfast cereals to candy treats made out of breakfast cereals. And before you can accuse us of overstating both the importance of Marshmallows, as well as their American-ness, consider their role in the creation of S’Mores. Imagine the S’More- the classic American camping treat of two graham crackers and two pieces of chocolate held together with a melted, gooey Marshmallow, without that most key ingredient. Without the shape-forming delicious Marshmallow, a S’More would just be two delicious but uncontained pieces of candy, chaffing against the rough texture of the graham cracker, unable to be held up in a comfortable, shapely way that helps ease future back problems. On a totally unrelated point here’s a picture of Marshmallows being strung together to make a bra.
So without further glances at the above image (even our female readers are a little curious, right? You’re thinking “that looks uncomfortable…but also kind of comfortable…”) let us go into the surprisingly rich history of…
Marshmallows: American Magic Sugar Balls