Tag Archives: Marshmallow Fluff

American Sandwich Series: Sandwiches Oddities of America (Sweet Division)

“What?  You don’t think that’s a sweet-flavored sandwich?  It’s got fruit in it, for God’s sake.  Yes, cranberry counts as a fruit, I don’t give a shit if it’s tart!”

~Inter-Office Debate Among AFFotD Staffers

sandwich fool

For the past few weeks, we’ve been shouting at you about various sandwiches that originated in America, using a list of arbitrary rules that, frankly, we’ve ignored more often than not in deciding what sandwiches warrant inclusion in our Sandwiches of America series.  We’re now in the homestretch, where we talk about what we’ve deemed to be the oddest sandwiches in America.  Admittedly, most entries in the open faced sandwich article, and some regional entries, definitely qualify as “odd” but we needed to limit this article’s length so we just kind of played fast and loose with our definitions of regional sandwiches and just general oddities.  Deal with it, this is already published, and there’s nothing you can do to fix it.

For the rest of you who don’t particularly care about what sandwich shows up in which article, we’ll delve into our second to last article, where we tell you about strange sandwiches that we’ve decided to arbitrarily place in the “sweet” category.

American Sandwich Series:  Sandwiches Oddities of America (Sweet Division)

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Wherein AFFotD Scoffs at the Attempts of British Tabloids to Critique America’s Culinary Practices

“Guys, we need to be better.  We need to do better.  We should have jumped on these limey bastards the moment this garbage was published!  I know it was around the Fourth of the July, and I know we spent the next three months blackout drunk, NO EXCUSES!”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

 union jack

Listen here, faithful readers.  When we started this website, we had one very important goal—find a way to get free alcohol sent us to while breaking a few financial laws by listing ourselves as a tax-exempt non-profit.  But once you make a name for yourself, and it’s all, “Oh, Johnny Roosevelt, start a newsletter” this and “you know the internet is a thing now, people need to hear from you” that, and we have to deal with mission statements and being sober enough to press a button that says “Publish.”  It’s all very hard work, and we blame our Editor-in-Chief—we wouldn’t even exist today if he hadn’t stuck his nose where it didn’t belong.

watergate johnny roosevelt

Um, if anyone asks, we were, uh…doing some undercover investigations.  Yeah.  That’s it.

We mention this because, lately, we’ve been focusing a lot on “this alcohol is crazy” or “woahhh easy there, M&M flavors!” but we’ve been ignoring one of our founding principles.  Making fun of foreigners.  And in these increasingly divisive times, shouldn’t we be focusing less on what makes all of us different, and focusing more on making fun of what makes people in like, goddamn Europe different?  Have you ever seen lederhosen?  Ridiculous!

And while we were examining our past with an eye fixed firmly on the future (read as—a night where you sorta end up in one of those melancholy drunk moods) we stumbled across this little article from the British tabloid/reason-for-hundreds-of-lies-your-facebook-feed-has-told-you, Metro.  The article in question?

metro title

Oh you cheeky buggers.  Wait, no, that’s the quaint British way of saying what we really think.  Let’s Americanize up our reaction to this article just a tad.

You motherfucking sons of cockrashes.

There we go.  That’s much better.  Anyway, it’s been a while, so time to take apart this argument, one by one.  Because, Jesus, if we wanted to take food advice from the Brits, we don’t have a way to finish that analogy because no one in the history of cuisine, since the dawn of man where we as a species realized that cooking food makes it less likely to carry disease, has anyone ever wanted to take food advice from the Brits.

gordon fucking ramsey

Well, sure, okay, but yelling doesn’t count as advice.

Anyway, let’s take this article to pieces.

Wherein AFFotD Scoffs at the Attempts of British Tabloids to Critique America’s Culinary Practices

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Marshmallows: American Magic Sugar Balls

“If it weren’t for these fluffy fuckers, we’d be bankrupt within a week.”

~Cereal executives


What do you get when you combine gelatin, sugar, water and corn syrup?  No, not diabetes.  Well…

But no, the answer we are going for is one of the most American dessert/decoration/camping/breakfast/anything candied foods available.  That’s right, we’re talking about the ever Vegan-Unfriendly Marshmallow.  Marshmallows are a staple candy in American cuisine, seen everywhere from breakfast cereals to candy treats made out of breakfast cereals.  And before you can accuse us of overstating both the importance of Marshmallows, as well as their American-ness, consider their role in the creation of S’Mores.  Imagine the S’More- the classic American camping treat of two graham crackers and two pieces of chocolate held together with a melted, gooey Marshmallow, without that most key ingredient.  Without the shape-forming delicious Marshmallow, a S’More would just be two delicious but uncontained pieces of candy, chaffing against the rough texture of the graham cracker, unable to be held up in a comfortable, shapely way that helps ease future back problems.  On a totally unrelated point here’s a picture of Marshmallows being strung together to make a bra.

So without further glances at the above image (even our female readers are a little curious, right?  You’re thinking “that looks uncomfortable…but also kind of comfortable…”) let us go into the surprisingly rich history of…

Marshmallows:  American Magic Sugar Balls

 

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