“It’s never too early to drink so long as it tastes good with brunch.”
We’re not trying to call anyone out here, but some Americans don’t know how to hold their shit. They’ll drink a mere ten or fifteen drinks on a Saturday night, sleep from 4AM until that point where their body finished metabolizing all of the alcohol in their system, at which point they just moan about their “hangover” and sip something like coffee or water or “Oh dear God put that shot of Everclear away why would you think that would be something I’d want to drink right now, Jesus Christ, you guys, I quit, go find yourself another photoshop editor, I can’t handle this office environment, I’ve blacked out and not remembered going to sleep every night for the past three months, the doctor told me if I don’t quit here soon I’d probably suffer liver failure within the week. Goddamn you all to hell.”
As we said, some people are lightweights. Also, Gary, don’t bother listing us as a reference for your job search. Photoshop guys are to AFFotD what drummers were to Spinal Tap, you’re lucky you didn’t spontaneously combust, you damn teetotaler.
Where were we?
Oh yes. Most real Americans know that, when you wake up with a hangover, the best way to cure that is to order a nice, strong alcoholic drink that preferably won’t lead to the social worker going, “For the love of God, it’s ten in the morning, why are you taking shots of tequila?” That’s why we invented the Bloody Mary, a way to get drunk while pretending that tomato juice has more health benefits than “a shitload of salt.”
The Bloody Mary, known as “The world’s most complex cocktail,” is as American as apple pie. More American, actually, because we put booze in it. And it’s our pleasure to pour ourselves a nice tall glass of hangover-ridding goodness, punch various letters at google until it begs for mercy, and present you with…
America’s Most Inventive (And Insane) Bloody Marys