Tag Archives: Energy Drinks

The Five Sketchiest Energy Drinks You Can Actually Buy

“HOW IS THIS LEGAL I CAN’T FEEL MY FINGERS.”

~Off-Market Energy Drink Customers

steven segal energy drink

For decades, centuries really, we have relied on coffee to wake us up in the morning and keep us going into the night.  Well, sure, there’s cocaine if you really wanna party, but as far as boosts of caffeine would go, we pretty much had coffee and, to a lesser extent tea.  If you didn’t like how that tasted, that was fine, you could fill it to the brim with all the sugar and cream your overworked heart could take.  Sure, you had your Cokes and Pepsis, or even your Mountain Dews if you’re a gamer, but for many years we didn’t really have a lot of ways to completely lose your mind on dangerous amounts of caffeine until the 90’s and 00’s brought us Energy Drinks.  Red Bull, 5 Hour Energy, Rockstar, all of these companies sprung up to create a beverage that answered the question, “What if I wanted like, 6 cups of coffee, but I also hate the flavor of coffee, and would like to mix it with vodka.”

Now, granted, in most cases, energy drinks actually have less caffeine than coffee, but they also have a whole bunch of other stuff like taurine which, because it rhymes with caffeine, we just roll with the claim of “oh it’s like, super caffeine” and move on with our lives.  And at the end of the day, energy drinks feel appropriate to have during a night out, while coffee still feels like something you drink at work.  Also, again, you can mix it with vodka so, you know, that at least to us explains their popularity.

And Energy drinks are big business.  Red Bull makes over $4 billion a year, and even Amp, the energy drink you have only seen in rural town gas stations, brings in hundreds of millions in sales.  And while you might think that all Energy Drinks are just caffeine delivery systems that taste like stale smarties candies, we’d actually have to disagree.  There are some energy drinks that are so much worse.  As in, baffling they exist.  As in, probably glow in the dark?

Let’s talk about some of the sketchiest energy drinks on the market today.  Yes, you can buy these.  But you shouldn’t, unless you want to grow a third eye or something.

The Five Sketchiest Energy Drinks You Can Actually Buy

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Should Americans Mix Caffeine And Alcohol?

“Oh man I’m so wasted!  Oh man, my heart hurts!”

~Americans doing it RIGHT

America loves alcohol, but many find that, as they get older, it’s strangely more difficult to stay awake all day while pounding vodka until the pain goes away.  That’s why we often try to find inventive ways to keep on partying.  In the 80’s, it was Cocaine.  In the 90’s, it was heroin, which of course led to a record number of liver failures because surprisingly, junkies don’t understand how heroin or alcohol work.  In the 70’s, it was probably that one poster where you could see Farrah Fawcett’s tit.  But in the 00’s and 10’s, alcohol and caffeine has been America’s upper of choice.  Anyone who has ever been to a bar where the DJ makes drink specials announcement while sounding like he works at a strip club has been exposed to various drinks involving Red Bull, and probably has ordered said drink when they started to feel themselves fading.

Of course, medical experts tend to point out that mixing energy drinks with alcohol is dangerous, and could even be potentially life-threatening.  While the government might stop Four Loko from caffeinating up their drinks, they can’t stop Americans from pouring five ounces of a Monster energy drink down the drain to top it off with vodka, so it’s time for us to bring back our Point/Counter-point series as we address…

Should Americans Mix Caffeine And Alcohol?

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