“Listen, it’s the 18th century, you’d drink to chase the boredom too.”
America loves drinking so much that a bunch of people set us aside and said, “America, we think you may have a problem,” and actively banned the entire nation from drinking booze.
And our response to that was to say, “In the entire history of our nation, we have never repealed an amendment. Until now, GIVE US BACK OUR BOOZE YOU ASSHATS.” That’s history to be proud of, and it’s no surprise that many of the greatest figures behind this, the greatest country in the world, are also some of history’s greatest drinkers.
Which is why it is our duty, and frankly our pleasure, to introduce the latest running series to America Fun Fact of the Day. Welcome to America’s Drunkest Presidents, where we look at the drinking habits of our greatest presidents and tell you which ones were the drunkest.
This is important work we’re doing here. This is God’s work. One nation under God. One nation under drunk. Like, like the, you know. Like the Pledge of Allegiance? Only, okay, cards on the table, we’re pretty soused right now.
Let’s start with our first president, who spent more money on booze in a year than most people do in a decade.