“AGHHHHH! OH MY GOD WHY!? IT’S EATING ME!!!!! AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
While Paganism is responsible for most ills in America (Hippies, The popularity of the Twilight films), it did bring us one great thing. Halloween. All’s Hallowed Eve. For 20-somethings, it’s the closest we can get to Caligula levels of debauchery without having to get a lethal weapons permit. As this glorious day filled with alcohol and costumes of questionable modesty approaches, we at AFFotD are here to celebrate this glorious day.
But even great things like Halloween can have a dark side. An awesome dark side.
We are of course talking about…ZOMBIES.
It is common knowledge that Zombies walk among us, and much like aliens or gay republicans, they hide in the shadows, hoping to avoid discovery. Because, while the Zombie does love our tasty tasty brain meat (mmmmmmmm) they fear our bullets. If there’s one thing American loves more than finding ways to combine unhealthy foods with even more unhealthy foods, it’s shooting Zombies right in the noggin. Unfortunately, the knowledge that Zombies are real and wander (or shuffle) aimlessly in our ranks has lead to some great national tragedy. In 1865, for instance, Renowned Zombie Hunter John Wilkes Booth heard a bored sigh from the balcony of the Ford Theatre and, mistaking the sound for a Zombie moan, shot and killed President Abraham Lincoln.
Seen here hunting Vampires
Zombies have existed for hundreds of years. Many scientists believe that, in 1632, a meteor carrying a rage virus that had been contaminated with nuclear debris and the waste material from a failed interplanetary espionage program crashed into the fields of Ireland, contaminating many sheep and one unlucky sheep farmer. In fact, this belief is the origin of the laughable myth that Zombies are heavy drinkers, when even the most amateur Zombie catcher could tell you that they will fall flat on their ass after just two shots of liquor. This origin theory would, however, explain why every Zombie is honor-bound to accept any drinking challenge.
Zombie-ism slowly spread throughout Europe throughout the 17th and 18th centuries, often being confused for Russian peasants by more sophisticated European societies. Soon, wild stories about undead creatures haunting the streets at night began to circulate, mainly from parents who wished to scare their children into wanting to work in the coal mines at night. These myths were often hilariously exaggerated, with absurd tales about things like a Zombie that ate 5 children while wearing a top hat. Seriously, can you believe that? A top hat? Zombies wouldn’t be caught re-dead in a top hat.
Steve doesn’t count, he just wears that for the attention he gets by looking RIDICULOUS.
Jack the Ripper became the first publically recognized Zombie when, while attempting to murder a woman we believed to be a prostitute, he was bitten several times, eventually finishing his transformation into a Zombie outside of Scotland yard, while a journalist of the time recorded what transpired.
“It was a terrible thing to behold, as the gentlemanly killer thrashed hither and fro, foaming from his mouth, while the finest jollies of fair Britannia were powerless to help. Afterwards, he did have the visage of a common Russian peasant. The last words he cried were “Somebody, somebody help,” and we wept for this man who was so crafty with his knife to the ladies of the night. The constable, a rather rotund man of some poor hearing, mistook these last words, and shouted, “Hey! What dost this man mean when he say ‘Zombie’?”
This is the first documented instance of the word “Zombie” appearing in literature, and it stuck. During World War I, when paranoia about the German menace ran rampant, German citizens were portrayed as mindless zombies. After the senseless deaths of some dozen or so British citizens of German ancestry, the government changed its slogan regarding Zombies to “If it’s biting you, it’s probably a Zombie.”
Zombies were rare in America until 1964, when the Beatles, who had several pet zombies in their keep, first visited America. Ringo, being the clumsy one, accidentally opened the latch to one of the pet zombie cages, and they roamed New York City, where they assimilated themselves among the homeless community there. It was George Romero who first observed these zombies, and decided to portray them satirically in his film, “The Night of the Living Dead.” Since then, Zombie culture has blossomed in America, and some Zombies openly hold public office (the most notable examples include Dick Cheney, Hillary Clinton, and Illinois State Senator Rawwrggharr Brains IV). We all know that there are classes of Zombies, and that only the lowest classes are legally allowed to be killed, but in the tough economy, Zombie poachers, who lead high paying customers on Zombie safaris, have been particularly popular. Many of these hunts are filmed for use in video games, major motion pictures, and youtube videos.
So while America remains both horrified and mystified by the majestic Zombie, they may be a re-dying breed. So next time you see a Zombie on the street, give it a hug. Wait. Don’t do that. Yeah, probably just shoot it in the head.
Just to be safe.