“Get me off your fucking mailing list.”
~David Mazières and Eddie Kohler
If you put a gun to our head and told us to tell you one thing that’s wrong with America, we’d press our forehead into the barrel and say, “That pussies like you don’t have the stones to pull the trigger.” But if you asked nicely, and weren’t a dick about it, we’d say, “probably the existence of companies and publications employing predatory tactics to gain profit.” And while businesses that gain all their profits through legal-but-shady means are a global phenomenon, America does unfortunately have its fair share of assholes who trick the gullible, frightened, and elderly into giving them money.
One surprising and somewhat unsettling form this has taken involves, of all things, science. Specifically, “academic journals” that solely exist to mill out publications for graduate students and members of STEM academia. These publications spam academics and will post just about anything so long as they get their publication fee. One of those publications is the International Journal of Advanced Computer Technology which is the equivalent of us calling our website the International Publication of Extraordinary Patriotic Informative Studies, which is to say it’s a bullshit name for a bullshit publication (yes we are including ourselves in the “bullshit” category). And that’s why it was so wonderful when, in 2014, Peter Vamplew, Associate Professor at Federation University Australia, decided to fuck with this publication, to amazing effect. This is his story.
Great Moments in Spam Responses: International Journal of Advanced Computer Technology
“What is this I don’t even… is that a dead body?”
~American Patent Office Worker
We here at AFFotD have often paused to step back and applaud the lunacy of those inventive Americans who come up with products no one needs and submits them for patents. And while many of these products never will see the light of day, at their best they show America’s intrepid creativity, and at their worst remind us that Jigsaw probably took the time to submit most of his torture devices for official patents.
Today we’re going to focus on that latter group.
While patents tend to range from “useful” to “absurd” there is a subset that falls into the “terrifying” category. Primarily because these devices were clearly invented by serial killers who had to really stretch to find a non-murder use for their products. But their illustrations speak for themselves, unlike their poor victims who are currently fruitlessly shouting at the soundproofed walls of these inventor’s kill rooms.
Hold onto your hats, America, shit’s about to get dark.
America’s Most Terrifying Patents (Submitted By Psychopaths)
“Oh no…they’re back…”
~Former friends/associates/relatives of American patent holders
We’ve tried to warn you, time and time again, about the insanity you can discover when you delve into the murky world of American’s Patent Holders. You might ask yourself, “AFFotD, why do you keep doing this to us? Over and over again, you expose us to the horrific psyches of deranged men and women who create terrifying products, and for what reason?” To that we can only ask, do you know why the Saw franchise has seven titles to its name? Because you keep coming back asking for more!
And as much as we value your sanity, it appears we can’t stop until we’ve turned you all into the singular patent holder that haunts every nightmare a psychologist will ever have. So let’s dive into the murky, murky muck.
An Extended Examination Of More of America’s Strangest Patents
“*dials phone number, pauses, heavy breathing, hangs up*”
~U.S. Patent Holders
Spending 1500 words warning the American public about the insane and evil intentions of America’s craziest patent holders is a lot like warning you about that drifter you hit with your car a few months back- no matter how hard we try to caution you, it won’t do any good because LOOK OUT HE’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!
So yes, we’ve time and time again warned you of the ultimate insanity behind a vast array of American patents. A toilet seat you attach to the back of your car? Yeah, that’s a thing. A leash for your pet snake to wear? Yup, patented. An hour and a half piece of entertainment that acts as a vessel to steal your soul, dreams, and sense of humor? Well, no one patented Jack and Jill, but you get the idea.
However, in today’s Patents segment, we’re planning on doing things a little bit differently. We’re not going to just show you strange patents (though, seriously, look at that picture up there. A dog scuba tank? That’s fucking baller). Instead, we are here as a public service announcement, since we will give you a list of…
American Patent Holders (Who Are Absolutely Going To Kidnap You)
Pictured above: Science
“I’m not saying that if you go home with me tonight you will end up as an integral part of a compost heap, but I did once invent a diaper for a parrot.”
~U.S. Patent Holders
We’ve on three previous occasions done our best to warn you about future Jigsaw-like serial killers by posting about the most insane patents that can partially be blamed on the failings of our current mental healthcare system. Yes, that image up there is ear-warmers for a poodle. Yes, the ear on the right is noticeably lower than the left, giving you the impression that this product actually slightly mutilates the dog. Yes, someone spent months preparing this patent, and spent nights where the last thought they had before going to sleep was a hopeful dream about the fame and riches they would get from their patent. Holy shit, that’s depressing.
There are over eight million patents that have been issued in the United States as of the writing of this article, and just like when you see eight million lobsters you occasionally end up with some blue ones, when you get eight million patents you get a few distressing cries for help. Well, it’s actually a lot more common than the whole blue lobster thing. ‘Cause there are a lot more insane patents than there are blue lobsters. Anyway, onto the insanity.
“*silent, terrifying grin*”
~U.S. Patent Holders
We have, on occasion, taken a moment to look at some of the more mind-melting patents that have been approved in America. While we support these patents as a sign of the same American ingenuity that led to the invention of the internet as a way to ensure Japan keeps itself busy inventing terrifying pornography, we also love the fact that the more imaginatively insane members of our society are the ones who are most likely to wake up in a cold sweat one night and decide, “My God, I need to invent a mechanical ice cream cone!” Honestly, the booming patent industry is probably the reason why our serial killers have such lower body totals than their predecessors, since they’re too busy trying to invent a knife that also can be worn as a shirt to be spending as much time hunting for victims.
And where there are Americans showing their inner psychological issues in absurd, hilarious ways, we at AFFotD are here, ready to handpick some of the best and display for you…
More of America’s Even Crazier Patents
“Penises…it all looks like penises to me now…”
“You’d think it never gets old…and it really doesn’t.”
~US Patent Office Worker
As we’ve previously discussed, American patents are ridiculous expressions of the American spirit. The patent process is so American that, if you go to the Government’s search engine for patents that came out in the past 40 years and type in “alcohol” you get 414,477 results. “But AFFotD,” you may be saying as you shudder off a shot of rough whiskey, “alcohol is a common element in medical and chemical research, so that doesn’t really tell us that much. Okay, fine naysayer, so try searching for “Alcohol and guns.” 1,859 hits! Hell, even going the redundant route0by searching for “Alcohol and guns and beer” yields you 51 patents.
Yes, Americans love coming up with insane things that have no purpose, but most of them don’t have anything to do with alcohol or guns. That being said, a surprising amount of American patents were invented by people that have a mannequin named Mother that they use to store their family of pet Pill Bugs. These inventors magically appear behind you if you say their patent numbers out loud three times into a mirror. That’s right, we’re here to delve into the very depths of insanity with…
More Insane American Patents
Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, Insane Patents
Tagged America, Bird Diaper, Insane Patents, Patents, Van Nuys, Van Nuys California, Weird Patents, Wesley Johnson, Wesley Johnson of Van Nuys California, Wesley K. Johnson, Wesley K. Johnson of Van Nuys California
“Has someone invented heroin yet? Because if not, we should get a patent on that stuff.”
America likes putting time and effort into overly elaborate solutions to simple problems. A common belief is that NASA spent over a million dollars researching a pen that could work in space, while the Russians solved the same issue by using a pencil. Apparently, that is utter bullshit, and a pen for use in space was made independently by a company hoping to cash in on a “space-worthy pen” while American astronauts still used pencils. The pen was only adopted because the lead in pencils occasionally would snap off and could cause mechanical problems inside the ship.
“THEY’LL CLOG THE INSTRUMENTS!”
But don’t let this common myth fool you, America still likes to go about things the long, hard, incredibly complicated and expensive way. For example, when America had a series of Fruit Flies ruining crops, how did we handle that? Pesticide? Hell no. Large bug zappers? Get that out of our face. No, America decided to research fruit flies to learn that their females only mate once in their lifespan, so they sterilized 45 million male fruit flies, doused them with pheromones, and set them loose to fire blanks at all the female fruit flies in the area. That’s right, of all the solutions out there, America decided to actively neuter 45 million insects, make them sex crazy, and just let them go at all the female fruit flies. That is not only insane, that is Americanly insane. And we absolutely love it.
That’s why, we at AFFotD are going to show you some of the greatest American inventions that are absolutely useless. Because nothing says “American” like wasting the time and money of dozens of people to create a product that no one needs.
Unfortunately for people living in log cabins out in forest preserves, America is a social culture. We often require someone else’s assistance to get us through our everyday hazards, like riding tandem bicycles, or receiving the Heimlich Maneuver. And some Americans would prefer to be anti-social. If only there were a way to do something by yourself that you otherwise would need someone else to do for you. Something like…
Posted in Insane Patents
Tagged America, Cajun Cliffhanger, Fruit Flies, grave periscope, James Bond, Kurt Cobain, NASA, Nirvana, One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, Patents, Six Flags, Six Flags Great America, The Simpsons