Category Archives: North Korea

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Five Reasons Why No One Is Afraid Of North Korea

“Aw look, North Korea is threatening to nuke us.  That’s cute.”

~American Media

 kim jong-il

A lot of our readers were born in the late 1980s and 1990s have never lived in actual fear of nuclear weapons.  Sure, we’ve all seen the 1950s cartoons that say you can survive a nuclear blast if you hide under a desk and also are a turtle, but for those readers who didn’t live through the 50s, 60s, 70s, and early chunk of the 80s, the concept of “actively fearing nuclear annihilation” seems less like “real life” and more like “Wow, 24 finally jumped the shark didn’t they.”

Of course, for those of our readers that did live through that period…that was pretty freaky, right?  Shit almost got real a few times there.  While not exactly paralyzing America with fear, the nuclear threat was always in the back of our minds.  Russia was a powerful and terrifying foe, and they really didn’t like us.  They only reason they didn’t slaughter us outright is that they knew we’d probably do the same in kind, and even with that mutually assured destruction in place, they were still considering it.

This is relevant because, for the first time in decades, America has actively been threatened with nuclear attack.  As in, “the moment of explosion is approaching fast” and “we have actually approved the use of nuclear weapons against your country.”  And no one gives a shit.  We’re literally talking “page four news.”  Why?

Because it’s North Korea, and North Korea is a bunch of clowns.  Does that sound a bit harsh?  Yes.  Are we a little pissed off at their hijacking of our website last week?  Well, sure.  But there are also numerous well documented reasons why no one is scared of North Korea.  Don’t believe us?  Here are five, just off the top of our head.

Five Reasons Why No One Is Afraid Of North Korea

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Best Korea Daily Information For Enjoyment, April 1!

“Dare not gaze at the oppressors icons above, stare instead at my benevolent face!”

~Wondrous Leader, Kim Jong-Un

 kim jong un

Greetings, denizens of Best Korea, on this, the day that exalted leader has given you access to the treacherous “Internet” of the heinous imperialist American pigdogs!  We of government of Best Korea has once again taken time from building our powerful tank missiles and nuclear lemon trees that grow lemons that also are nuclear bombs which we will throw at the American oppressors to wish you happy tidings on this oh blessed day!

While you are no doubt mired deep in the glorious eyes of your divinely ordained leader, beware!  On other days of the year, these “Internets” are a terrifying wasteland, where the American swine spend their days watching public executions and women defecating into each other’s privates!  Their privates!

korea wife and husband

The fair wife of our glorious leader would faint at such awful sights!  She does not have a daughter, glorious Kim Jung-Un is only capable of having a masculine child!

Now on this, the most glorious of days, shall we raise our fists in victory over the imperialist swine oppressors!  Behold our mighty arsenal of weapons!

dog and gun

Yes, our pets can defend our homeland!

missile

Quake in fear of our mighty rockets!

korea kim jong un jet ski

TREMBLE AT POWER OF BEST KOREAN NAVY!

On this, as on every April first, oh glorious leader has awoken to defeat great friend of Best Korea, Dennis Rodman, in a game of basketball. Great Champion Of Best Korea defeated The Worm 1,000-2, purposely giving up two points out of respect for his dear friend.  Immediately following, advisers informed him of the daily status of all citizens of Best Korea.  Every woman and child had held hands across the nation to sing praises for dearly departed leader, Kim Jong-Il, while every man found a sack of grain in front of his luxurious home personally presented to him by our Glorious Leader Kim Jong-Un.  No citizen of Best Korea ever will want for food, and never will our words be anything but pure truth as opposed to the reckless posturing of a weak insignificant nation!

lemon

QUAKE BEFORE OUR NUCLEAR LEMONS!

Then, Great Magnanimous One inspects the brave troops of Best Korea, more numerous than all the other armies in the world, combined and multiplied.  For every American imperialist living in their fetid filth there are one million soldiers who live to serve Best Korea!  One Million!  Every day, the cowardly nation of America has a new leader, as each President must resign as soon as he sees the inevitable defeat he must face at the hands of our Glorious Leader, whose radiance ensures that there is never a cloud in the sky or rain to water our crops, which have learned to grow simply because Great Leader asked them kindly!

seedling

“We live off the nutrients of Great Leader’s encouragement!”

While each happy, well-fed citizen smiles at the perpetual joy of living in the grandest nation on Earth with absolutely no relatives being forced to work in any sort of labor camps for their subversive views, Great Leader toils endlessly to ensure the safety of this great nation while laughing with joy as the American swine dogs quake with fear.

And quake they should, as they gaze upon our incredible armies!

video game army

Our technology is vastly superior to all in existence!

So once again, brave citizens of Best Korea, join our Wondrous Leader in the singing of the newest song of Korean pride!

All who oppose us will be doomed

Privy to fears of imperialist rule

Readily we all proclaim

In Fearless Leader’s holy name

Lashing the flesh of our enemies

For their screams will give us glee!

On this the most glorious day

Our enemies must will quiver this way

Lurching in the dark waiting to be defeated

So they shall, when they encounter Best Korea!!!

Best Korea Daily Information For Enjoyment, April 1!

“The Great Eternal Leader has blessed this day with his many healthy orchards.”

~All who celebrate eternal blessed leader Kim Il-Sung shall sing his praises to the afterlife!

Greetings all who embrace Best Korea and fight to expel the imperialist oppression from nations whose false ideals once did shed sadness into the heart of Great Leader Kim Jong-Il, and continue to sadden Great Successor Kim Jong-un, who just on this day carried ten thousand pounds of strawberries from his personal orchard to ease the suffering of his citizens. As clouds parted and sunshine appeared, great jubilation came forth from these poor peasants, and the Song of remembrance for Great Leader Kim Jong-Il rang into to heavens, causing the sky to smile upon Best Korea and send Earthquakes to our oppressive neighbors to the south. The strawberries, planted by the very hand of the Great Successor himself, made all that consumed it vibrant, and Great Successor gave them all the finest clothing in Best Korea. Look to below and see the happy citizens!

Yes, today is a great day for living in Best Korea, where waters are plentiful and food contains little-to-no worms! As the South Korea imperialist puppet attends economic conferences, sharing hedonistic sex kisses with the Western imperialist dogs, the heavens shine upon Best Korea and all statues of Great Leader, Kim Jong-Il, who never let the Best Korean go hungry with his plentiful wisdom and wide fields of grains, and for whom our tears shed daily out of grief for Great Leader and not for our wretched family members who dared not shed tears in Great Leader’s memory! Our mighty armies will crush all oppressors!

“Tee hee, we laugh at the mighty losses our enemies will face against our invincible armies!”

On this glorious day, we will reward all true citizens of Best Korea with a story on what occurred mere hours ago, by the very ample, informed, and in no way powerless puppet Great Successor. On this day the weather in Best Korea is always sunny and 25 Celsius, while the Southern puppet nation only sees tsunamis and tornadoes for Great Successor, Great Leader and Exalted Eternal Leader do not smile upon its dark imperialistic rat-like ways. Great Successor awoke, and after shedding appropriate number of sincere tears for the memory of Great Leader, played 18 holes of golf, receiving eighteen holes in one for exalted glory! Light shone from his fingers and no child in Best Korea ever suffers from illness!

“Yes, you too have seen the exalted leader’s magnificence! I will now go to Great Korea assistance community of manual employment for possessing contraband, imperialist technologies! Glory to Best Korea and Great Leader!”

Great Successor then went to the shrine of the Eternal Leader, Kim Il-Sung, and from the ground grew bread for every Best Korean, and Great Successor Kim Jung-un did bring forth a shield of protection to repel the lies of the swinedog puppet South Korean lapdogs! All in the land, the Song of Kim Il-Sung resonated in the skies, and the rain that fell, and only the crops were wet, and all the garments of Best Korea stayed dry and in no way spoiled by famine or disease! Glory unto Eternal leader, who smiles at each launched missile that will someday crush the capitalistic oppressors!

“I am only saddened that I cannot die a thousand times over to destroy the Imperialist swine!”

Today the Great Successor will perform a million pushups to maintain his perfectly healthy weight and figure, and in doing so, the ground will receive his blessed weight and reward Best Korea with crops so that they will never suffer or desire to leave to China, and all Imperialist monuments will collapse under the weight of their own hypocrisy!

“Our thunderous applause shall be rewarded a thousand times over by the nurturing care of Great Leader, who shall give each citizen home and oxen!”

Now, as Great Successor has decreed, now we shall sing the song of Best Korea might! For Victory!

All of Best Korea will stand in line

Pleasure is Great Successor’s to give at all times!

Rally for Great Leader, for whom we cry,

Imperialist shall be slaughtered just like swine!

Lasting glory unto Korea Best!

Feasts for all of Great Successor’s people

Omnipotent Great Successor laughs at Southern puppet, feeble

Onwards to continue the Glory of nation’s rest

Lasting glory unto Korea Best!

So we shout, so everyone, can give all our love to Kim Jung-un!

[REDACTED] Watches the Women’s World Cup Soccer Match Between America and North Korea

“[REDACTED] has been getting a free pass for far too long.  He fled our confines and how did we reward him?  We let him eat incredibly unhealthy pizza.  It has been affecting morale in the office, so we are going to make that fucker watch some Women’s World Cup Soccer.”

~Official AFFotD Memo, June 28th


As a longtime contributor, occasional hostage-situation describer, and our only investigative journalist, [REDACTED] is a fixture in the AFFotD offices in the same way our water pipes are.  That is to say, sure, they have lead, we want to get rid of them, but goddamn it it’s tough to get yourself motivated to put forth effort after your sixth Wednesday afternoon scotch and soda.  So, as per the official Memo sent to our office just yesterday, the powers that be have decided that it’s about time that [REDACTED] have to deal with some shit he won’t like.  We’re no longer letting him coast by on wild nights out or pizza binges, we’re going to actually make him write up on America based topics that the rest of the staff wouldn’t want to touch with a ten foot pole.

That’s right.  Women’s Soccer.  Ugh.  The hell is this bullshit?  That’s what [REDACTED] is going to have to figure out as we send him out to do a report on the first round of the Women’s World Cup (there’s a Women’s World Cup now?) between USA (USA!  USA!) and North Korea (…ha)

[REDACTED] is Forced to Watch a Women’s Competitive Soccer Match

 

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