“[REDACTED] has been getting a free pass for far too long. He fled our confines and how did we reward him? We let him eat incredibly unhealthy pizza. It has been affecting morale in the office, so we are going to make that fucker watch some Women’s World Cup Soccer.”
~Official AFFotD Memo, June 28th
As a longtime contributor, occasional hostage-situation describer, and our only investigative journalist, [REDACTED] is a fixture in the AFFotD offices in the same way our water pipes are. That is to say, sure, they have lead, we want to get rid of them, but goddamn it it’s tough to get yourself motivated to put forth effort after your sixth Wednesday afternoon scotch and soda. So, as per the official Memo sent to our office just yesterday, the powers that be have decided that it’s about time that [REDACTED] have to deal with some shit he won’t like. We’re no longer letting him coast by on wild nights out or pizza binges, we’re going to actually make him write up on America based topics that the rest of the staff wouldn’t want to touch with a ten foot pole.
That’s right. Women’s Soccer. Ugh. The hell is this bullshit? That’s what [REDACTED] is going to have to figure out as we send him out to do a report on the first round of the Women’s World Cup (there’s a Women’s World Cup now?) between USA (USA! USA!) and North Korea (…ha)
[REDACTED] is Forced to Watch a Women’s Competitive Soccer Match
Sup bitches. First of all, I’d like to thank you all for the well wishes and for the campaign for my freedom. I had a few months off, but I knew it was a matter of time before something like this would happen. I just had no idea they could be so…cruel as to choose this topic, of all topics. Women’s Soccer? Ugh.
Let me just get this started and out of the way first. I have no problem with the “Women’s” part of this. Women playing professional quality sports can range from impressive and uplifting (Most Olympic sports, Jennie Finch in a bikini) to “at least we can poke fun at it” (the WNBA). What’s not to like about women playing sports? It’s a scientific fact that female athletes automatically are 25% more attractive than their non-athlete counterparts. That even goes for soccer. Do you know how many teenagers masturbated to pictures of Brandi Chastain after the 1999 Women’s World Cup? At least seven, that I know of personally. “Who’s Brandi Chastain?” you might be asking? Well..
“Oh! Right! Her!”
So no, I don’t have a problem with that. It’s just…
Ugh… Soccer? Jesus Christ guys, why don’t you just go into my garage and deflate every single basketball and football I’ve got? What’s that? You already have? God, fuck you guys. You guys suck.
They actually gave me press material. Can you believe that? Like, I’m supposed to watch this Round One Women’s Soccer game, and I’m not allowed to make the statement that “Any time North Korea attempts to battle America, North Korea will embarrass themselves” my primary argument. Because what other argument do you need?
See how unattractive their female soccer players are?
Ugh. So apparently, this game is going to be tougher for America than you would expect, I guess because Kim Jong Il gives 25% of his nation’s rations to the women’s soccer team to help them balloon out to hefty weights of upwards of one hundred and twenty pounds, easily twice the national average weight. North Korea is really irresponsible about food distribution, is what I’m trying to say.
But seriously, this is the last time I’m going to talk about how the merits of these two teams should at least somehow be tied to the fact that American women are so much more attractive (USA! USA!) but the longer I can stall before I have to actually use soccer terms, the less flaming bags of dog shit Johnny Roosevelt is going to find on his porch steps when I get drunk(er) later tonight. Let’s play a game, it’s called, look at the American World Cup Team, they’re cute and spunky.
“Hi, we’re the American World Cup Team. We are cute and spunky.”
That’s a pretty fun game, especially for those of you who like your women like you like your lattes, if you know what I mean.
Eh? You know, cause…tall, the answer is tall. That’s the joke. You know, “I like my women like I like my lattes: tall.” Get it? Because that’s the size that…you know, just forget it, the point I’m trying to make is look at how many North Korean players are clearly men.
“Numbers 7, 20, 18, and 10, please report for gender testing.”
So apparently this game will be tricky for America, but we’ll be favored, because America’s women are actually good at soccer, as opposed to our men. All the press material talks about the “intangibles” of this game, like how the two countries hate each other, or at least how North Korea hates America and often confuses us with a combination of pork and canine that sounds genetically impossible. Jeff Carlisle from espn.com said that North Korea “is a very disciplined team defensively” and that they “will by no means be intimidated” by America’s World Cup squad. One thing that’s not mentioned, however, is how the American team has nutritionists who received doctorate degrees in athletic meal planning, while North Korea recently kicked their goalie off the team because she once looked in Kim Jong Il’s kitchen and saw what a steak looks like. So our hesitant guess is that it will be USA one million, North Korea negative seven, depending on how much of the game Mike Ditka watches.
The best way to go about this, I unfortunately would have to imagine, is to let you know what occurs at specific points at the game. So…ugh. I just asked Johnny Roosevelt if I could just write about sports braws and pony tails, and he made some sort of joke like “Just write about the fucking game, Carrie Bradshaw” before locking the door. I have no idea what that means. Is that Terry Bradshaw’s wife? Dude is bald. And yes, the AFFotD assholes absolutely have me watching this game in a windowless cell. Fucking peachy.
Negative-05:00 into the game: Speaking of peach, I wonder how fast I can chug this bottle of Peach Shnapps.
Negative-04:32 into the game: Ahhhhhhhhhh. It’s been too long since I’ve tried that, I used to be able to do that twice as fast.
06:00: Oh shit, the game started like six minutes ago. There was a point a few minutes ago when the US team kicked it behind the back goal line, but I thought they were just testing to see if the ball works or something. By the way, what do you call that? You know, the line behind the goal, but to its side? Is that the pitch? I think it’s the pitch. To be honest the only terms I know in Soccer are “Goal,” “Corner Kick” and “Pitch.” And I don’t even know what those mean, I just know them as “words people use in Soccer.” So seriously when I say you should take my descriptions with a grain of salt. Why the fuck are they making me do this again?
This is the pitch, rigiht?
07:32: Wow, did you see that? Krieger with some one-touch passing to get it to O’Relly, but it rolls out on the side, I mean pitch. That was a great effort by the USA. Jesus, you know what’s a bad sign about your sport? When I write that last sentence, and it’s meant to be mockingly sarcastic, but it sounds sincere. Seriously though, one person just kicked it to another person, and it went out of bounds. God this sport is so boring, I’m amazed the entire damn sport hasn’t been sponsored by Sealy mattresses yet.
12:15: That’s more like it. People started chanting U-S-A! U-S-A! That makes anything bearable. Seriously, when I had my wisdom teeth, I turned down the anesthesia and just got a bunch of friends to go in and chant U-S-A, and I felt nothing. Granted, I was pretty wasted too, but who goes to the Dentist sober?
17:36: Okay let’s see if I got the lingo right. So the striker ran up the pitch with the vuvuzela, and she launched a right jab into the pitch, which missed the pitch but hit the goal post, and now it’s a power play? I may or may not have chugged a second bottle of Peach Schnapps at the fifteen minute mark of the game. It’s zero-zero by the way, which I think Soccer people call “Love-Love.”
24:48: North Korea just got a shot off, which was the most exciting thing that’s happened all day given the noise the crowd made. And by “North Korea got a shot off” I mean one of the manish looking North Korean women kicked the ball fifteen foot over the goal post from thirty feet out. The score is still Love to Love, but apparently this game is very “high energy” with “tight spaces.” You know what watching soccer is like? It’s like going to a burlesque show in like the 1920’s, when the woman will dance for like thirty minutes and then at the very end she’ll take off your glove. And you just spend 30 minutes waiting for something to come off so people applaud, but you’re left thinking, “Nothing happened, why does everyone like this!?”
34:23: I am so thankful for the fact that I know where every hidden bottle of alcohol in the AFFotD offices are located, because I need them. Uh, an American just got a chance to score a goal and hit it riiiight at the North Korean goalie. The only reason I’m vested in this game is blind nationalism, and even that is making it tough for me to give a shit about this game. You’d think if you only had a handful of chances to do something, you know, more exciting than spirited jogging that you’d try to take advantage of it.
45:00: Sorry, fell asleep for a while. I’m…I’m just so fucking sleepy. It’s halftime and I missed roughly nothing. The announcers are talking about how America has been having too many turnovers, blah blah. I hate this. I know why soccer fans riot all the time now. Because it is so boring that it angers up your blood. My blood is angered up. I’m going to hit the first person I see, right in their smug face.
Otherwise known as the Carrot Top effect
54:23: GOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLL! Oh… Well, so America scored. That’s good. Apparently my reasoning was a little flawed, because I was under the assumption that every time you scored in women’s soccer you took your shirt off. So…yeah that’s not the case. Not the case at all. They’re hugging, but in that kind of way that if you said something under your breath like, “…k…kiss her” you end up getting a call from your parole officer.
68:19: Can I just go now? Like, really, is there any reason I should watch the rest of the game? We scored already, that means we’re going to win right? Getting a goal in soccer is like getting 150 points in basketball, or so I’ve been led to believe. Once a goal scored, it’s basically like watching the movie Momento– for all intensive purposes, you know the ending already.
76:11: Another goal, woo-hoo, America’s gonna win. I’m…I’m just going to nap for the rest of the game. Can you believe this shit lasts ninety minutes!?
98:00: Haaa, a very angry Johnny Roosevelt finally came in here, yelled at me for being asleep, and just asked, “How the hell did five empty bottles of Peach Schnapps get in here?” Ha. Oh, I’ll never tell. So, to recap, much like most Super Bowls, all the action happened in the second half, and by that time I was almost too drunk to function. But we beat the Koreans anyway, so that’s got to count for something. Anyway, time to…pass out on our new sponsor. Sealy Mattresses! Because nothing soaks up the vomit and shame sweat of watching a full soccer game like Sealy Mattresses! That’s their motto and everything.