“Listen, we’re not going to interrupt our perfectly drunk barbeque to post some damn article. Have [REDACTED] write about, oh, let’s say, summer cocktails. People love that shit right?”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
Summer has arrived, that time of year to sip some cold beer on your lawn while the men don their grilling aprons, the women don their short shorts and tube tops, and dad’s everywhere nudge their sons when someone wearing short shorts and a tube top walks by their grill. It’s also a time for drinking alcoholic beverages outside the normal realm of your beer, wine, or whiskeys. It’s a time where you can order your piña colada or your mai tai and no one can judge you. And for the majority of us who had to weather the polar vortexes of 2014 (*glares jealously at Florida and Southern California*) we have truly earned every fruity, refreshing summer cocktail we can get our hands on.
That even applies to[REDACTED]. For those of our readers who might not remember, [REDACTED] is our investigative journalist who has gone insane, and as such now is forced to live out of our office’s utility closet until we can figure out a humane way to deal with him. Until then, we give him the occasional article to write, which often involves us making him watch awful rap videos and describing them to you. He’s normally drunk by the time we get him to do any writing for us, which frankly astonishes us because we have gone through very exhaustive efforts to make sure he has no alcohol or caustic materials within reach, yet somehow he’s, just, perennially drunk, like one of those people with gut fermentation syndrome who gets drunk they consume sugars or carbohydrates.
Anyway, we decided we were going to write about summer cocktails, because everyone loves writing about summer cocktails and it’s the kind of fluff piece that everyone and your mother (especially your mother) likes to post on their Facebook timelines. Now admittedly, we failed to realize that, without any proper alcohol or mixers, the results might not exactly be appealing, but here’s the five cocktails that [REDACTED] came up with.
Five Vibrant, Original (Horrific) Summer Cocktails!
“Wait, this…this is wonderful. Is this a test? What did I do to earn this?”
When [REDACTED], our much maligned investigative journalist, took over our servers a few months ago to use affotd.com as launching point for his Buzzfeed application, we were pretty pissed off at first. Normally, we’d respond to such disrespect by making him talk about Cricket, or maybe force him to eat something with tofu on it. But after some deep reflection (read as, heavy drinking) our editorial staff decided that maybe we were going about it all wrong. You catch more flies with honey, as the saying goes, though we can’t for the life of us figure out why anyone would want to exert effort catching flies in the first place. So maybe, instead of punishing [REDACTED], we should give him a video we know he’ll love, and allow him to write about that.
Yeah, it probably won’t do much good, and we’ll probably start giving him horrific white celebrity raps (Ron Jeremy anybody?) as soon as we come down from this Jack Daniels buzz, but at least today [REDACTED] can spend a few thousand words picking out screen grabs from a wonderfully American video. Because look at that picture up there. Isn’t that the most goddamn beautiful start to a video you can possibly imagine? [REDACTED] better appreciate what we’re doing for him here.
[REDACTED] Watches Con Bro Chill’s “Born Free America”
“Goddamn it, [REDACTED].”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
[Editor’s Note: For those readers unfamiliar with his work, [REDACTED] is AFFotD’s investigative journalist who may or may not have been driven to insanity because of our assignments. His name has been redacted to protect his identity, since his first assignment was to eat at a Vegan restaurant, and his family and friends would never have been able to look him in the eye after hearing that he has put meatless sliders in his mouth. Since then, we’ve made him review awful rap videos, watch and livecast women’s soccer games, and write about, well, whatever the hell this sport is.
Recently, [REDACTED] managed to sneak into our offices early in the morning where he drank a whole mess of our moonshine and decided to post an article about Buzzfeed. Sort of. We think? He kinda lost us as he got progressively drunker by the end of it, but the main point we’re trying to make is somehow he found a way to post the article in a way that we can’t take it down and can’t edit it. So, it’ll be stuck on the site, and we’d like to take this moment to first and foremost apologize for any inane ramblings you’re about to be subjected to, and would like to remind you all that the opinions and viewpoints of [REDACTED] in no way reflect those of AFFotD.com. They’re just the sad trappings of a man who has long since gone insane. We should feel sorry for him, but the moment we let our guard down, he pulls shit like this, so it looks like we’re gonna have to find another awful music video starring a now-deceased stand-up comic to force feed him.]
Posted in [REDACTED]
Tagged 30 Rock, Arrested Development, Big Band Theory, Bill Hader, Buzzfeed, Futurama, Moonshine, Redacted, SNL, Stefon, Whiskey
“Oh this is awful. Let’s put [REDACTED] on it, I guess.”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
We don’t necessarily go out of our way to hawk other people’s websites, but every once in a while we have to give a site its credit when they post a video that’s so great we’ll want to discuss it, or so horrible we’ll force our undercover investigator, [REDACTED], to review it. In this case, the blog Everything Is Terrible was more than willing to supply us with, well, one of those terrible ones. Specifically, an awkward, probably 90’s, video of awkward children rap about recycling. You can take a moment to watch it if you like, but we can save you the pain by inflicting it on our poor, abused investigative journalist.
Ha ha, we love to make you suffer, [REDACTED]!
[REDACTED] Reviews The Recycle Rap
“Will it blend?”
America has a fascination watching American appliances being used in a manner that would never be needed in real life. While most of us would never use a blender for anything more complicated than a smoothy or an affront to the culinary arts, we’ll absolutely watch a youtube video where it’s used to pulverize an ipad or a live squirrel. Do you put bricks in your washing machine? Of course you fucking don’t, you’re not a psychopath, but now that we mentioned that as a possibility you totally want to see that done on a machine that you personally didn’t pay money for, don’t you?
This logic applies to toilets as well, as we can see in this awesome, pointless video with horrific sound quality where an old guy just flushes a bunch of shit that isn’t shit down his super toilet. Sit back and watch it. No, we’ll wait.
No, keep watching, he’s going to stop talking soon.
Yes, yes, that’s 20 golf balls, keep watching.
Okay, are you done? Good. Because we’re enthralled by this video, and we haven’t really heard from our good pal and undercover journalist, [REDACTED] lately, we figured we’d put him in charge of going through this video and discussing each and every thing that gets flushed in unnecessary detail. Take it away, [REDACTED].
“I had the most wonderful dream. I was somehow freed from my contract, and I didn’t have to do report on strange and terrifying things anymore. It was such a wonderful dream. Such a wonderful dream.”
It’s been a long time since you last heard from [REDACTED], our PTSD suffering investigative journalist who we keep in a constant state of agitation by alternating sending him on good assignments (like drinking Four Loko in Nebraska) and giving him terrifying, mind-numbing ones (like watching the French Women’s Soccer team).
For those of you who are new to the site, no [REDACTED] was not in ‘Nam or anything like that, the reason why he has PTSD is the same reason why we can’t contractually release his name—because we forced him to eat a meal at a Vegan restaurant. Yes, we know that we’re monsters, it came while we were under some, erm, more sketchy management.
So in a category that seems less “cruel punishment” and more “well we need to fill some space, let’s let [REDACTED] do the heavy lifting for us,” we decided to find the most absurd rap video we could, and have [REDACTED] watch it and give us a step-by-step guide. So, we decided to go with the music video of “City of Crime” which was filmed for the 1987 movie version of Dragnet, starring Tom Hanks and Dan Aykroyd.
We don’t want to give too much away, but it absolutely involves 25-years-younger versions of Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks rapping. Also, here’s a screenshot from it.
This is from a movie that features actors that went on to combine for eight Academy Award nominations, and two wins. Sure most of that was Tom Hanks, but still.
Anyway, if you want to follow along, click here to watch the train wreck of a video yourself. Or you can just follow [REDACTED]’s account below.
“This is how we do it, America.”
We all know [REDACTED] by this point. Contrary to popular belief, we don’t always just make him do terrible, awful things. Well, okay we absolutely do, but every once and a while he gets out of his shackles and spends some American time on his own. And in the case of Thanksgiving, he decided to take some poor-resolution photos and send us a description of his Thanksgiving. While we’re pretty impressed, we’re not jealous- our office’s Thanksgiving celebration involves turning metals into liquor and enough Turkey beheadings to technically qualify as an international act of aggression.
That being said, we have absolutely no issues letting you in on the booze and gluttony that is…
[REDACTED]’s Delicious Thanksgiving
“Actually…this is kind of my speed.”
It was just yesterday
Where you no doubt read
Of a Midwestern trip
Made by [REDACTED]
As he drove ‘cross the plains
He trembled with feer
He’d made it to Iowa
But had run out of beer.
And as he drove in his Mini
Wishing he was driving truck
He found himself in
The World’s Largest Truck Stop
So we’ll leave you know
To see what [REDACTED] saw
So we’ll finish the tale
Of how he got to…Omaha.
[REDACTED] Visits Omaha (Nebraska) (Like the Cornhuskers) (It’s in the Midwest, Alright?) (…Part 2)
“…This…seems like it’s a trap.”
Listen, intrepid readers,
To a story of woe and fears
Of our brave soul, [REDACTED]
Who has suffered all these years.
Once a journalist
Of an investigative nature,
He one day found himself…
In quite a Vegan nightmare.
And as the months went on,
He put up with lots of shit…
So AFFotD rewarded him
With a kindly road trip.
Too bad for [REDACTED]
We don’t want him having too much fun
So that’s why we made him
Drive all the way…to Omaha.
[REDACTED] Visits Omaha (Nebraska) (Like the Cornhuskers) (It’s in the Midwest, Alright?)
“You hear me? I’m not fucking around with soccer this time, assholes!”
Everyone has a whipping boy. Bart Simpson has Milhouse, Linguini has spaghetti. America has Canada. AFFotD has…[REDACTED]. The last few times you’ve heard from him we strapped him to an operating table like a convicted rapist in the Clockwork Orange universe and made him live-blog some women’s soccer games. Yes, we are particularly cruel, but what would you expect from someone who made his AFFotD eating fucking vegan food?
But there’s only so much you can push someone before they snap. And we’ve seen enough drunken beach invasions to know what happens when [REDACTED] snaps on us. So we try to keep him happy. Throw him a bone once or twice.
Here’s a step-by-step description of [REDACTED]‘s Labor Day. It’s good to be the king.