“This is how we do it, America.”
We all know [REDACTED] by this point. Contrary to popular belief, we don’t always just make him do terrible, awful things. Well, okay we absolutely do, but every once and a while he gets out of his shackles and spends some American time on his own. And in the case of Thanksgiving, he decided to take some poor-resolution photos and send us a description of his Thanksgiving. While we’re pretty impressed, we’re not jealous- our office’s Thanksgiving celebration involves turning metals into liquor and enough Turkey beheadings to technically qualify as an international act of aggression.
That being said, we have absolutely no issues letting you in on the booze and gluttony that is…
[REDACTED]’s Delicious Thanksgiving
Gobble gobble, motherfuckers. Those bastards at AFFotD decided to let me loose, since they felt it would be a good punishment to have me miss the midget re-enactment of the first Thanksgiving as part of a Bill Veeck theme. But joke’s on them, they should know that every true American has at least two booze-filled Thanksgiving options. So I went to my option A.
And that’s not all.
Hells yeah. That’s how you start a Thanksgiving. Of course, you can’t have Thanksgiving only with booze. Unless you use bourbon when you make gravy.
Yeah that was pretty good. Did you know that gravy was invented by George Washington as a way to insult British cooking? No? Well, it’s possibly true, don’t take my word for it, I’ve been drunk since 2003.
But Thanksgiving is a classy holiday. That’s why during the actual dinner, you’re not supposed to do any beer bongs or whiskey chugging. So, apparently that calls for wine. From a can.
Of course all of this takes a back seat to the massacred carcass we had finished picking the meat off of.
You have to love the fact that we live in a country where it’s expected that we take a twenty pound bird, kill it, fill it’s butt with bread, and then spend a whole day slowly baking it. And you have to especially love the fact that we’ve managed to make “who gets to cut up the damn bird” a fairly universally excepted alpha-male demonstration.
But Thanksgiving is only partially about the turkey. It’s mainly about the sides. Oh the sides. And by sides I mean…man, so many marshmallows.
Hidden behind those marshmallows are yams, which proves that America is the only nation in the world where we see a vegetable with the word “sweet” in it’s name and our immediate reaction is “let’s bake it with some marshmallows.”
The only thing more American than taking a sweet vegetable and combining it with marshmallows is to take grosser vegetables and put bacon on it.
Yes I absolutely ate that. Look at all those bits of bacon! This is how America does salad. Well, correctly, this is how America does salad.
But, before the time-lapsed tryptophan nap bomb sets in, I’m gonna take you to the main course.
Yup. That. Who needs space on a plate when you’ve got stuffing, cranberry sauce, green bean casserole, turkey, mashed potatoes, and gravy? Just so long as you keep room open for some pie.
Ah yes. Excellent. Time for me to fall into a food and booze aided nap. Hopefully AFFotD doesn’t find me while I sleep and drag me back to the offices. [Editor’s note: We totally did that]