Category Archives: China

While China’s busy hacking into our government website, censoring their internet, and buying up most of our debt for nefarious purposes, we’re here to make fun of them.

The (Terrifying) Black-Bun Burgers of the World

Nope nope nope nope nope nope.”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

black burgers oh no

Depending on what non-affotd corners of the internet you choose to spend your free time perusing, you might have heard recently about Burger King ramping up the gross factor on their food by offering a black bun, black cheese burger called the Kuro, or Black burger.  This burger re-issue (yes, they tried it before, more on that later) used squid ink and bamboo charcoal to create an all-black burger.  Black cheese, black ketchup, black soul are combined for fast food connoisseurs in Japan (because of course this is happening in Japan), leading to a whole slew of internet chatter of “lol, Japan is crazy” (which, duh) and “ew, this looks gross so I tried it oh by the way I’m also a white 24-year-old living in Japan currently while maintaining a blog about my travels.”

What we find most surprising about this burger has nothing to do with its mere existence.  When talking about Japan, nothing surprises us anymore.  No, upon doing some digging, we discovered that Japan’s Burger King does not have a monopoly on this particular brand of culinary insanity.  So, get ready to see a lot of unappetizing pictures of a type of food you once loved, because we’re going to delve into…

The (Terrifying) Black-Bun Burgers of the World

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AFFotD Summer Olympics Viewing Guide

“J-I-N-G-O and Jingo was his name-o!”

~Olympics!

Every two years, Americans gather around their television sets to root for a bunch of sports that are either stupid but fun (Winter) or largely stupid (Summer) with the single goal of flipping the bird to every other country while saying, “We’re better than you in every possible way.”  The Olympics are beautiful, and the closest we can come to Manifest Destiny without the ACLU being all up on our asses.  It also helps remind us why China is a terrifying force who we have to defeat, lest they get cocky and we find ourselves in a Red Dawn situation.

As the Summer Olympics come and pass, and everyone spends two weeks pretending to care about gymnastics, running, and swimming, we are here to give you a handy guide of what American sports you should enjoy during the Olympics, and which sports you should avoid at all costs.

AFFotD’s Official Summer Olympics Guide

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Wherein AFFotD Addresses the Concerns of Foreign Nations Regarding American Cuisine, Ultimately Deciding That These Foreigners Are Mistaken in Their Foolish Views

“That’s not stupid, YOU’RE stupid.”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

We are willing to cede that America isn’t responsible for all of the delicious food available to us, but since we’re stubborn (because, you know, America) we will add the caveat that every delicious food made by other countries has invariably been improved by American tinkering.  Yes, Italy gave us pasta, but we gave them fried ravioli.  China gave us Chinese food, but we removed the dog from it.  French food can go to hell.  You hear us, France?  YOUR FOOD CAN GO TO HELL!

Yet, despite the ability of many countries to make food that is deemed acceptable for American consumption (except for England.  Good God, you Limeys, try inventing a food dish not centered around animal intestines) there are foods out there that are thoroughly terrifying and disgusting.  We’re talking food like ant eggs, boiled sheep head, and tofurkeyGross.

That’s when we noticed an article by the Houston Press, which tried to posit that since some people don’t run away shrieking when you offer them a plate full of boiled silkworm pupae, then clearly American foods must be strange to other people.  We’ll say that again.  They are saying that American food is weird.

You know what this means, America.  Set your phasers to rage, we’re going through this list one by one.

15 Foods That Are NOT Weird

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China Has Successfully Made the World’s Worst Reality Show

“You’re crazy, China.  You, you’re crazy.”

~AFFotD tranquilizer expert, Will Ferrell

Most people criticize American television, which is fair.  Once American television producers figured out that you could save money by sticking someone on an island, or asking who knows how to sing, or finding the right combination of failed models with daddy issues willing to have sex with a near-stranger in a hot tub, it became that much harder to survive as a well-written work of entertainment, leaving us watching fat Americans try to lose weight for reasons we can’t quite comprehend.

But as much as you might want to complain about the state of American television, just take solace in knowing that we are still far better than China, because we don’t have 40 million people viewing in to watch people being interviewed right before the government kills them.

Seriously, what the fuck, China?

China Has Successfully Made the World’s Worst Reality Show

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Wherein AFFotD Responds to Critiques of American Culture While Suppressing the Urge to Vomit or Declare War on China (because, let’s face it, they’d probably win…shit)- an Academic Lecture by Professor Washington

“ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!”

~The Ghost of General George Patton

 

The staff of the America Fun Fact of the Day is sort of like a cross between Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and an overzealous stage mom.  On one hand, if you cast our kid in your commercial (or, say America is appropriately awesome), we’ll totally sleep with you.  On the other hand, if you spurn our advances, we’re going to kill your pet rabbit.  What we’re trying to say is, if there’s one thing we hate more than Nature, it’s people who write articles besmirching our fine nation.

Especially when it’s…the enemy!

It’s the face that killed millions, yet would not be out of place behind the counter of a gas station.

While doing our weekly google searches (affotd, America fuck yes, America is awesome, why is America so damn awesome you guys, etc) we stumbled across an article on “Asian Times” called, “What is American Culture?”  We’ve been spurned by the Chinese before, so we weren’t necessarily expecting any celebrations about our inventive uses of gravy, but we were not expecting an article flinging more shit at American Culture than the cast and crew of Two Girls One Cup.

In order to do it justice, we brought in an American academic on our staff, who also teaches our “America, fuck yes, an examination of everything great about America” classes.  He is a bit more “straight laced” than we like, but if we were in charge of writing up about this article, we’d probably say some pretty hateful shit.  Professor Washington will likely say some pretty hateful shit too, but at least he uses bigger words and reads shit like “books.”

America Fun Fact of the Day Responds to Critiques of American Culture While Suppressing the Urge to Vomit or Declare War on China (because, let’s face it, they’d probably win…shit)- a lecture by Professor Washington

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Wherein AFFotD Discovers an Erroneous Discussion of America’s Greatness By a Dastardly Foe of the Moniker “The Health Ranger” Who Threatens Our Very Way of American Excellence Through Cowardly Ideals

“Seriously, are you guys going out of your way to find articles like this just to piss me off?”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

Other publications pretend to know what’s “American” (COUGH FORTUNE MAGAZINE COUGH), and they generally have distressing views on what they feel makes this country great.  Rarely is whiskey mentioned, knife fighting is virtually nonexistent, and C. Dale Petersen as always remains below the radar (which, to be fair, is how he prefers it).  But it’s not every day that we stumble across an article that leaves us convinced that it is an act of sabotage against the American way of awesomeness.  An article that is so inconceivably un-American that to call it “Why America is Still a Great Place to Live:  Thirteen Things I Love About this Country” is more insulting to us than watching someone take a piss on the National Monument.  But here we have Mike Adams, who goes by the name “The Health Ranger,” deciding to tell us what’s great about America for a site called…Natural News?  Just take a look at all the things that are wrong about this picture.

First of all…nature?  Fuck nature.  How many times do we have to say that?  Plus, the site has more half-assed ads for questionable products meant to rip you off than a Scientology phone book.  But look in the top left corner (wait…shit, which one is left…Make the L’s, make the L’s with your hands) yeah, the top left corner.  Do you see what we see?  CHINESE!?  SPIES!  THEY’RE SPIES!  When we’re all stuck speaking Chinese in 2035, you can blame Natural News for paving the way.

So right off the bat, we have some concerns.  Plus, everything is green, but it’s that “Save mother Gaia” bullshit shade of green, not that “Money, bitches!” shade of green.  Besides, the title seems to imply that there’s something wrong with loving America.  Why did he throw the word “still” in there?  It should be “Why America is a Great Place to Live” with a picture of someone doing push-ups with one hand while chugging a beer.  We…hesitantly began reading the article, even though the author sort of looks like Lance Armstrong if he had been born in Wisconsin and once got out of date rape charges.

“Ha ha!  Plausible Deniability!”

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