Wherein AFFotD Discovers an Erroneous Discussion of America’s Greatness By a Dastardly Foe of the Moniker “The Health Ranger” Who Threatens Our Very Way of American Excellence Through Cowardly Ideals

“Seriously, are you guys going out of your way to find articles like this just to piss me off?”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

Other publications pretend to know what’s “American” (COUGH FORTUNE MAGAZINE COUGH), and they generally have distressing views on what they feel makes this country great.  Rarely is whiskey mentioned, knife fighting is virtually nonexistent, and C. Dale Petersen as always remains below the radar (which, to be fair, is how he prefers it).  But it’s not every day that we stumble across an article that leaves us convinced that it is an act of sabotage against the American way of awesomeness.  An article that is so inconceivably un-American that to call it “Why America is Still a Great Place to Live:  Thirteen Things I Love About this Country” is more insulting to us than watching someone take a piss on the National Monument.  But here we have Mike Adams, who goes by the name “The Health Ranger,” deciding to tell us what’s great about America for a site called…Natural News?  Just take a look at all the things that are wrong about this picture.

First of all…nature?  Fuck nature.  How many times do we have to say that?  Plus, the site has more half-assed ads for questionable products meant to rip you off than a Scientology phone book.  But look in the top left corner (wait…shit, which one is left…Make the L’s, make the L’s with your hands) yeah, the top left corner.  Do you see what we see?  CHINESE!?  SPIES!  THEY’RE SPIES!  When we’re all stuck speaking Chinese in 2035, you can blame Natural News for paving the way.

So right off the bat, we have some concerns.  Plus, everything is green, but it’s that “Save mother Gaia” bullshit shade of green, not that “Money, bitches!” shade of green.  Besides, the title seems to imply that there’s something wrong with loving America.  Why did he throw the word “still” in there?  It should be “Why America is a Great Place to Live” with a picture of someone doing push-ups with one hand while chugging a beer.  We…hesitantly began reading the article, even though the author sort of looks like Lance Armstrong if he had been born in Wisconsin and once got out of date rape charges.

“Ha ha!  Plausible Deniability!”

Reason 1- The Heart of the American People

Now, we at AFFotD can be, well, harsh critics.  You know, we have no problem insulting the shit out of kids and everything.  But…we can’t really say anything bad about this one.  He starts talking about Katrina, and how every American has a hero in their heart, and they became heroes while helping save lives in the aftermath of tragedy.  We don’t have a sarcastic retort for that, we actually endorse that line of thought.  It’s really one of the greatest resources that America has- Americans.  Adams gets a little too preachy about the government (which is what you’d expect from a Chinese double agent!) so it sort of waters down the whole “Americans are badass” point he’s trying to make.  Also he loses points for failing to address the fact that the Heart of the American People can be proven by the fact that there are T-shirts that read “Drink like a champion.”  Just saying.

Reason 2- Freedom of Speech

…Okay, we’re…we’re still with you, Mikey, but this is a thin line you’ve got to walk.  AFFotD loves Freedom of Speech because we tend to swear like a sailor walking in on his wife banging his best friend, and because we are allowed to say things like “Mike Adams looks like someone who would know where to purchase Roofies in Eau Claire, Wisconsin.”  But a lot of times people that are like “Freedom of speech is great” also tend to follow that up by burning a flag or saying shit like, “Hey AFFotD, your biographical information regarding Teddy Roosevelt seemed somewhat flawed.”  That doesn’t sit right by us.

“Me neither.”

Here he sort of goes back and forth from, “Yeah, Freedom of Speech is pretty cool” to “Uh, he’s getting a little defensive,” to “…Isn’t that what you’d expect a double agent from China to say?”  To wit, he states…

“The very fact that I am able to speak these words and publish these essays demonstrates the level of freedom we still enjoy in the United States of America”

Which, fine, we’ll accept that.  But then he gets a little creepy…

“It means that we respect each other’s right to voice our opinions, even if we disagree. Especially if we disagree, actually.”

 
We didn’t add the bolded words, those are literally the only words Adams puts in bold in the entire damn essay.  Just sort of feels like people disagreeing with him hits a bit too close to home.  It’s like if you were going out with your friends, and one of them has his girlfriend with him, and announces, “Alright guys, we’re going to have a fun time tonight but you have to respect the fact that you guys can’t fuck my girlfriend, even if she wants you to.  Especially if she wants you to, actually.”  A little too defensive.

Then finally we have him mentioning China.  A little suspicious when you offer your site in Chinese at the top of your page

“If you think about it, there are countries like China where you wouldn’t dare speak your mind, because you’d be incarcerated or assassinated.  Certainly in the United States there’s a lot of censorship and editorial control in the mainstream press, but a blogger can get online and say just about anything they want (as long as it’s not something like instructions on how to make a bomb).”

Uhh…we’re no espionage experts here (ha, who are we kidding, we absolutely are, we’ve got like 10 spies on staff) but doesn’t that seem like the perfect way to encrypt instructions for building a bomb onto your blog for your Chinese overseers to run through a cipher?  Shit.  This is taking a turn.

Reason 3- The Cultural Diversity

Yawn, whatever that’s just boring.  Yes, America is the melting pot, and yes, cultural diversity is cool, as long as those other cultures are willing to come second to American culture.  We just don’t get what Adams means when he says, “I am one of the few vocal supporters of (legal) immigration.”  Really?  Was LEGAL immigration some hot topic issue we were unaware of?  “Well sure, those illegal immigrants are bad, but it’s the legal ones we gotta keep an eye on.”  Get your head out of your ass, Adams.

Reason 4- Emergency Rooms and Trauma Care

Now we’re just starting to get confused.  Yes, hospitals in America do a great job saving lives, but why does this list feel like it was written by someone who learned what America was through extensive home schooling in between marathon viewings of E.R.?  While Americans can and should take advantage of their health care system when they are injured or sick, AFFotD’s “just pour whiskey on it, check the rash again in three days” method of health care just feels more American somehow, doesn’t it?

Ha!  We remember that guy…

Reason 5- The Health Food Industry

Oh, HELL no, Adams.  See this?  This is America.  You know what America is?  America is our house.  Get that shit out of our house.  He’s talking about “organic” food stores and “stopping the FDA from regulating nutritional supplements” and “homeopathic remedies” and, NO.  NO.  STOP IT.  Shit, here at the AFFotD offices, we consider it health food when we slice off the fat from our steaks to feed our dogs.  Do you realize what this guy does not consider Health Food?  Hamburgers!  Hot Dogs!  Cotton Candy!  High Fructose Corn Syrup!  If you gave Mike Adams a fried Twinkie on a stick, the only reason he’d be excited is that he’d probably think it was a sex toy.  Plus, we’re still thinking he’s got some sort of nefarious ties to the Chinese government, so the following paragraph he put in can only mean one thing.

“I know many of our friends in Canada might argue that their country has lots of health food stores, too, and that’s true. But I’ll save that for my top ten list of cool things about Canada, which includes downright friendly people, global-minded thinking, real dedication to protecting the environment, and a much more relaxed attitude about everything from hemp to intellectual property.”

That’s right.  When the invasion comes, it shall come from the North.  Just like in Red Dawn.

A cautionary tale

Reason 6- Food Labeling Requirements

Food labeling?  So, because we can know what’s in our food, that’s one of the thirteen things you would choose to highlight as the best parts of living in America? Saying Food Labels are one of your favorite things about America is like saying your favorite part of a filet mignon is the cloth napkin on your lap.  If you asked Mike Adams what his favorite thing about pornography is, he’d probably say, “The women usually have pretty clean elbows.”  And after he decides to post about goddamn FOOD LABELS, how does he emphasize his point?

“You can walk into a store in China, for example, and you may not have any idea what you’re buying.”

What were they selling in this Chinese store, huh Mike?  Were they selling us out!? How is this guy not a spy?  Seriously?

Reason 7- Creative Expression and Hollywood

Okay, finally, here’s one we can get behind.  Hollywood is one of the most American places on the planet, it’s literally all about explosions, boobs, sex, violence, boobs, guns, and the occasionally badass memorable quote.  If it weren’t for Hollywood, offering to drink someone’s milkshake would not be considered a threat.  Hollywood is what realized that, if American males like boobs, wouldn’t they like boobs that are forty feet tall!?  Hollywood is great.

Literally the first search result for “Drink Your Milkshake”

But then this Health Ranger asshole has to ruin things by saying that Hollywood is good despite making “violent movies and a lot of garbage.”  Excuse me?  Breakin’ 2- Electric Boo-Ga-Loo was not garbage, we call that a primary historical document.  And violent movies?  Huh?  We’re missing the part where that’s supposed to be a bad thing.  Plus, his whole “violent movies are bad” argument goes out the window when he talks about the “good” examples of “uplifting” movies, saying, “I’m talking about movies like Schindler’s List by Steven Spielberg.”  Yeah, you think Schindler’s List is good?  Well, good on you, everyone does.  It’s fucking brilliant.  But you know that whole “Violent movies suck, Hollywood is only good when it avoids that” argument you were making?  Isn’t Schindler’s List like, one of the most violent movies you can watch?  It’s about the fucking Holocaust for Christ’s sake!  Do you mean “mindless violent films are bad”?  Do you mean “Michael Bay films are bad, because even AFFotD can agree that Michael Bay is garbage?”  Be more specific with your criticisms, you hack!

No China references though.  Maybe we can start to let our guard down.

Reason 8- The Free Market

Uh oh…We can see where this is going…

“If you visit any government-run institution in countries like China…”

What is going on!?  We’re not the best at counting (because, you know, America) but we’re pretty sure Mike Adams has said “China” more often than “America” in an article about America.  What is going on here!?

Reason 9- Signage

No, you didn’t read that wrong.  No, we didn’t accidentally copy/paste the word signage when we were trying put in “Air Shows” or “Bribery.”  This guy really likes how America does…signs. As in, road signs.  Because…road signs are…why it’s great to live in America?  Here’s where it would fall in our list.

AFFOTD REASONS WHY IT’S GREAT TO LIVE IN AMERICA

 10,392- A small majority of the time, when you bite into an apple, it doesn’t have a bruise.

10,393- There are some cough drops that taste okay

10,394- Signage

10,395- Coyote attacks, while more frequent in recent years, are still not too common of an occurrence.

Guess what city Adams says doesn’t do good signage, because they have too many signs?  That’s right…Fuckin’ Shanghai.  Wait…*checks map* yeah! In China.

Reason 10- Inventiveness

So…America is a great place to live in because “Inventiveness”?  If we asked Mike Adams for a restaurant recommendation, we’re pretty sure he’d just say, “Hamburger!”  If you asked him what his favorite part of the Kill Bill movies, he’d respond, “Decisiveness!”  If you asked Mike Adams what his codename is for his Chinese handlers, he’d say, “Agent Tiger!  Oh shit, wait…”

For a guy supposedly writing about why he thinks America is great, why does he spend one of his three paragraphs here talking about how innovative Japan is, and another on how German software engineers are so much better than American software engineers?  When we wrote about bourbon’s place in America, we didn’t spend half the time talking about how Scotch is really good too.  Because it’s American to drink Scotch, but Scotch isn’t American, and that makes our head hurts so we’d prefer not to think about it.  Stick to talking about the country you’re supposedly so proud to be living in, asshole!

Reason 11- I, Mike Adams, am a pansy and am sexually attracted to road signs

Whoops, how’d that get in there?  Let’s try that again.

Reason 11- National Parks

Oh what do you know, our fake “reason 11” was actually pretty much the exact same thing as the real “reason 11.”  National Parks aren’t around for us to look at them and say, “Hey, look, it’s America,” National Parks are around for the same reason there are Indian Reservations.  At least with National Parks we know where all the nature is.  The only reason Ulysses S. Grant established Yellowstone was because he wanted a place for all the bears and buffalo to be easily stalked once C. Dale Petersen was born.  National Parks are where Americans can go to truly study their enemy, and if you think that they’re around for “the enjoyment of the public,” you either don’t understand what enjoyment is, or your handlers gave you faulty knowledge on how typical Americans behave that they gathered from a hippy in the 70’s.

Reason 12-  Grassroots Activism

We had heard stories about “rage headaches” but had never really felt them until now.  After five thousand words of this shit, we’re at the end of our ropes.  Grassroots Activism?  If we were the police chiefs of Americaness (we like to think we are) we’d demand Mike Adams turn in his gun and his miniature American flag, he’s off the case! All we can safely say about this guy is that he hates America, hates its food, hates its culture, and is starting a grassroots revolution with his bomb making training and the assistance of his Chinese overseers.  Since Mike Adams is the kind of person who would purchase 10 acres of rain forest land as your birthday gift, we’re going to burn down an acre of forest for each person that likes his website on the faceybooks.

Looks like we’ve got our work cut out for us.  This is gonna be sweet.

Reason 13- Better Treatment of Animals

Did some brown liquid just splash on your computer screen?  It did right?  You’re probably wondering what that was.  The Ghost of Teddy Roosevelt was standing right behind you, drinking Ghost-Coffee-And-Bourbon, and that reason just made him spit it at your screen.  For the love of God, do not touch the death coffee, just let it dry on its own.  But we had a similar reaction to reading that.  Hell, he namedrops PETA in the first sentence. This man just proved to us that he is against steak.  Then he just starts rambling about zoos and…God..no, okay, NO.  That’s IT.  We’re DONE WITH THIS, okay we’re just going to re-write this list for you, okay Adams?  Jesus Christ, this list is such a travesty that a thousand Bald Eagles just mass suicided themselves on your front lawn.  NO.  Just NO.

Okay, here’s the ACTUAL 13 reasons why America is a great place to live.

1.       The Hearts of the American People, yeah that’s fine, we’ll keep that.

2.       Freedom of Speech, sure okay we’ll keep that, we’ll just keep all the preachy stuff and evidence of collaboration with the Chinese out of it.

3.       Change cultural diversity to, “We steal only the awesome things from other cultures, and then call them our own.”  Because who doesn’t love burritos?  Seriously, who doesn’t love burritos?

4.       BB Guns, teaching us how to fire guns in a way that (usually) won’t severely injure a fellow American, but can still kill a squirrel.

5.       Hamburgers, Hot Dogs, and any greasy, fatty, delicious food that you can purchase from a push cart.

6.       The fact that there are restaurants that sell hamburgers that have two days worth of your allotted fat content, and they’re still top sellers!

7.       Hollywood can stay, that’s fine.

8.       Fuck the Free Market, we’re going with Ponzi Schemes, because nothing’s more American than tricking people out of their hard earned money.  Just like our favorite American folklore hero, Johnny RobinHood.

9.       Bourbon.  Really, we might have brought it up too much in this whole rant, but of the many many many sins of Adams’ article is that he never once refers to the glory of American alcohol consumption.  Judging from his website…we…we fear he might actually abstain from alcohol.  We know, we’re scared too.

10.   Flamethrowers.  We got your inventiveness right here.

11.   Ultimate Bear Fighting League, the UBFL.  Ironically enough, they take place in National Parks.  Suck on that Mike Adams.

12.   AFFotD.  Because nothing is more American than shameless self promotion.  Except for other things that we describe by saying “Nothing is more American than ___”

13.   The increase in popularity of Foie Gras, Veal, and Panda steaks (if you know where to find them).

Amateurs out there need to stop pretending they know what is great about this country when their favorite thing about Christmas is that they can recycle the wrapping paper.  Or that the best part of America is the road signs and not the roadside attractions.  Because AFFotD knows America, and we’re not afraid to stand up and shout it.  Or, you know, just dismissively insult the shit of people with different ideals than us.  Because that, my friends, is American.