“Fortune Magazine. Fortune. Fucking. Magazine.”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
Over the past two July Fourths, AFFotD has noticed that Fortune has posted lists of “100 Great Things About America.” While we’re not initially going to question why a financial blog affiliate of CNN would want to tell us great things about America, when we saw the items they chose to point out, and the rankings given to them, our staff collectively got what is colloquially referred to as a “Rage Boner.”
This year’s list was no different. While there were more implied references to, say, boobs, there were also…ugh, nature. And science. It makes us, just, so angry you guys. So once again, it’s time to tear into the so-called “American experts” at Fortune, who should really stop embarrassing themselves and just outsource the article to us every year.
“GET ME OUT OF HERE! COME ONE, READERS, SOMEONE! HELP ME!”
[REDACTED] is an America Fun Fact of the Day correspondent who has the thankless task of serving as our resident Undercover Investigator. He didn’t really want the job, he just signed up to be in AFFotD because, come on, it’s AFFotD. Fortune Magazine would have listed us as the number one company to work for, except we spent a good two thousand words ripping on Fortune Magazine for being stupid and not knowing what’s American. Let’s be real, you’d work here in an instant- our retirement plan includes a goddamn boat, and a free license to punch the celebrity that annoys you the worst. We had to start using phone books to the stomach on Justin Bieber because the authorities were starting to get suspicious about all the bruises. This is a pretty good gig, is what we’re saying.
Except for poor [REDACTED]. Ever since we sent him to do an expose on the evils of Vegan Restaurants, we’ve had to redact his name, so that his family, friends, and, well, hopefully God, wouldn’t find out about the things he had been forced to do. So, we tried to make it up to him by giving him a night of booze and freedom. Of course, we took advantage of his drunken state, and signed him to do all our unsavory articles, like talking about Cricket, and he can’t really do anything about it. Because of the information we have on him. Because he’s eaten Vegan. It’s not technically blackmail, but it basically is.
Anyway, now [REDACTED] is going to sit through some Opera. Ha ha!
“Seriously, are you guys going out of your way to find articles like this just to piss me off?”
~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief
Other publications pretend to know what’s “American” (COUGH FORTUNE MAGAZINE COUGH), and they generally have distressing views on what they feel makes this country great. Rarely is whiskey mentioned, knife fighting is virtually nonexistent, and C. Dale Petersen as always remains below the radar (which, to be fair, is how he prefers it). But it’s not every day that we stumble across an article that leaves us convinced that it is an act of sabotage against the American way of awesomeness. An article that is so inconceivably un-American that to call it “Why America is Still a Great Place to Live: Thirteen Things I Love About this Country” is more insulting to us than watching someone take a piss on the National Monument. But here we have Mike Adams, who goes by the name “The Health Ranger,” deciding to tell us what’s great about America for a site called…Natural News? Just take a look at all the things that are wrong about this picture.
First of all…nature? Fuck nature. How many times do we have to say that? Plus, the site has more half-assed ads for questionable products meant to rip you off than a Scientology phone book. But look in the top left corner (wait…shit, which one is left…Make the L’s, make the L’s with your hands) yeah, the top left corner. Do you see what we see? CHINESE!? SPIES! THEY’RE SPIES! When we’re all stuck speaking Chinese in 2035, you can blame Natural News for paving the way.
So right off the bat, we have some concerns. Plus, everything is green, but it’s that “Save mother Gaia” bullshit shade of green, not that “Money, bitches!” shade of green. Besides, the title seems to imply that there’s something wrong with loving America. Why did he throw the word “still” in there? It should be “Why America is a Great Place to Live” with a picture of someone doing push-ups with one hand while chugging a beer. We…hesitantly began reading the article, even though the author sort of looks like Lance Armstrong if he had been born in Wisconsin and once got out of date rape charges.
“Ha ha! Plausible Deniability!”
Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, China
Tagged America, Boobs, Bourbon, C. Dale Petersen, Canada, China, Flamethrowers, Fortune Magazine, Freedom of Speech, Fuck Nature, Hamburgers, Hollywood, hot dogs, Johnny Roosevelt, Kill Bill, knife fighting, Lance Armstrong, Michael Bay is a Hack, Mike Adams, National Monument, Natural News, Red Dawn, Schindler's List, steak, Steven Spielberg, Teddy Roosevelt, The Health Ranger, There Will Be Blood, Ulysses S. Grant, Whiskey
“Are you shitting me, Fortune Magazine? Hey, guys, from now on we’re using this fucking list as toilet paper.”
~Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD
Believe it or not, despite the existence of the America Fun Fact of the Day, there are other publications that make it a hobby to try to tell us, Americans, what constitutes being American. Now, we have to ask you, do High School Basketball coaches go to Michael Jordan to give him pointers? Fuck no, Jordan would use his cigar to scald their retinas. Does the editor of a grade school newspaper tell Ernest Hemingway how to write? The one time that happened, the kid went missing and was never seen again. But yet, we have assholes like Fortune fucking magazine trying to post a “Independence Day 2010” article about “The Top 100 Great Things About America.” They’d be better off getting a slug to write an exposé about taking a salt bath. Our researchers stumbled across this little gem and immediately were stricken with a hate boner. It’s like rigor mortis for when you see dreams die. This article so offends us we can’t even think coherently! Fuuuuuuuuuck!
THIS is the LEAD PHOTO for the whole damn article. A clown desecrating the American flag by blowing out of a FUCKING VUVUZELA! THAT GET SHIT OUT OF OUR HOUSE!
So let’s look at the highlights of their “list.” And may God have mercy on their souls.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, America's Greatest Fun Facts
Tagged Abraham Lincoln, America, Bald Eagles, Beer, Ben Franklin, Bendy Straws, Bluebirds, C. Dale Petersen, Charlie Brown, Chipotle, Disney, Ernest Hemingway, Everglads, Facebook, Farmville, Fortune Magazine, Fuck Nature, George WAshington, Hamburgers, hot dogs, Iced drinks, ipad, ipod, JFK, John Wayne, Johnny Roosevelt, Kegs, Key Lime Pie, Las Vegas, Patagonia, Redwood Trees, Spring Break, Stealth Bomber, Sushi, Teddy Roosevelt, Tiffany's, Ulysses S. Grant, Vuvuzela, Whisky