“They’re back. Trying to tell us what’s American. I knew this day would someday come.”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
Early this year, we brought to your attention a terrifying article from Fortune magazine that literally made us angry with rage. This “article” tried to inform us what they believed to be the 100 most “American” things out there. Of course, this largely involved nature and saluting alcohol containers that don’t’ have alcohol in them, which made us spew such vile and vitriol towards this corporation that they’ve yet to recover (we can only assume).
So while we were going through our lengthy (lengthy) enemies list, we found that Fortune had not only survived our horrendous literary assault (we literally said that they were not American enough to drink whiskey) but they had the audacity to try to submit another “100 great things in America” list.
We know what you’re thinking. “Oh shit, it’s on.” But before you let your righteous blood lust get the best of you… they actually did a much better job of it this time. They sort of explained their lack of great historical figures (they’re not putting dead people in there, though somewhat ironically they put Steve Jobs in the top 20. Hi-yo!) and they managed to put Pappy Van Winkle bourbon in the top 20. In fact, most of this list is pretty damn spot on, especially the top 10 which has 9 very solidly American items listed. It’s really refreshing to see someone see your critiques of their assessment of America and really work on correcting it.
That said, we’re a petty bunch, so we’re going to nitpick the shit out of this list, and just crush the 20% of list items that we disagree with.
AFFotD snark team, assemble!
“If you make fun of my spot on this list (#92) I will use my substantial power and animal-as-toilet-paper fetishes to destroy your feeble website”
Duly noted, Zuckerberg.
“99. The Pulitzer Prize. Identifying our best and brightest in journalism, literature, and music.”
The Pulitzer is not nearly as big of a deal as people make it out to be. We once won a Pulitzer and all it took was for us to bribe the committee a cool hundred grand (we sort of assumed that the prize came with more than the $10,000 that is typically awarded, so in retrospect, it wasn’t one of our best financial moves). Yeah, the prize originated in America…but Joseph Pulitzer wasn’t even American- dude was born in Hungary and looked sort of like a mad scientist assassin. He got rich and made a gift, and now everyone gets this little award to make it easier for journalists to get laid.
And while we have nothing against journalists getting this award to further their careers, have you considered this? If it weren’t for the Pulitzer Prize, McNulty wouldn’t have been allowed to make up that fake serial killer. That’s right Fortune Magazine, that Wire reference is for you.
“93. Vineyard Vines, Ralph Lauren, J.McLaughlin. Preppy clothing brands outfitting Nantucket-goers and wannabees year-round.”
Really, if you’re going to try telling us what clothing brands are American, try not to include poseurs in your description of it. Now, if you were trying to sell us on a T-shirt designed by one of the many meth-heads The Mountain has on staff, we could understand that, because an American T-shirt requires that your mouth taste like codeine as soon as you put it on. But saying that the most American clothing companies are the ones that make shirts for yuppies and douchebags that want to be yuppies? That’s not the America that fat people inherited from the athletes in 1998 after Jordan retired.
“86. Food-labeling requirements. So that we can’t eat red velvet cake guilt-free.”
Umm, hey, Fortune Magazine? We hate to break it to you, but you might have a Canadian on your staff responsible for this one. First of all, the basic tenants of American consumption is O.I.N.K. G.U.T. Which of course stands for “Over-Indulgence and Naivety: Kids Grow Up Tubby.” Really, if knowing that food is unhealthy would make you stop eating it, you’re not very American, are you? Shut up, hippy, we’re not even done yet. And why would you want to know what we put in red velvet cake? We’re probably assuming most of it is bugs and sugar. And that shouldn’t matter if it’s unhealthy and delicious.
And more importantly, how the bloody hell is this more American than Sully Sullenberger?
“72. The Kardashians. Only in America would the family of O.J.’s lawyer become an institution.”
“54. Sandusky, Ohio. It’s known for its roller coasters, but it also has a 13.37% job-growth rate—the highest of any metropolitan area in the country in the past year.”
Umm… okay, Fortune Magazine, you do realize that Sandusky has a population of like, 20,000 right? People don’t live in Sandusky, they visit there, and even then they only visit it because, well…Cleveland is kind of depressing. We actually have a staff member whose application says he was born in Sandusky, and when he asked about it he said, “Really? Sandusky? Are you sure I didn’t mean to say Cincinnati?”
The point we’re trying to make here, Fortune Magazine, is that the employment rate in The Vatican is probably really high too. All that you’re telling us is that the Cedar Fair Entertainment Company just decided to hire more food vendors. And did we mention that Fortune Magazine has this ranked higher than Times Square and our troops?
“45. TMZ. Everyone’s first stop for gossip (but you don’t read it…right?).
No, we actually don’t. But thanks so much for putting this ahead of Road Trips, Hank Aaron, and Music Festivals. You’re just lucky that you listed Hot Dogs ahead of this, or we might have had to firebomb your building. Ha ha! Just kidding NSA agent who stumbled across this site because it tripped buzz words! it’s not like we could find the blueprints of the building online, and we certainly don’t know how to google the necessary instructions on how to make a bomb out of weed killer, powder from fluorescent light bulbs, duct tape, and copper tubes! Ha ha!
“37. Budweiser Beer. No, not Bud Light. Budweiser. Now Belgian-owned, but still all-American.”
Um, fuck you Fortune Magazine? No, seriously, what the hell do you think you’re even saying? “It’s not American owned, but it’s still American!” Get that shit out of our house. You see that beer label up there? You notice how the alcohol percentage is higher than the Budweisers you are used to seeing? That’s because this is the foreign version of Bud. That’s right, this company makes its beer more alcoholic for non-Americans. And you dare try to tell us that this is the 37th greatest thing about America? Leave it to Fortune Magazine to put alcohol on this list and make it the wrong alcohol producing company.
“19. Carlos Santana. If you didn’t already have ‘Oye Como Va’ in your head, you will now.”
What’s that, Wikipedia? You want to take it from here? Why, are you saying that the first sentence in your description of Carlos Santana would completely show that this Latin rock guitarist has no business being on a list of the greatest things in America? Well, take it away, then.
Carlos Alberto Santana Barragán (born July 20, 1947) is a Mexican rock guitarist.
Are you shitting us, Fortune Magaine? Let’s just take out the names and references you made there, you basically said “the 19th greatest thing in America- a Mexican guy. If you didn’t already have three Spanish words stuck in your head, you do now.” No, fuck you Fortune Magazine. Fortune Magazine has such a poor grasp on nationality that their staff members submit an application for dual citizenship every time they eat Italian food. Fortune Magazine knows so little about being an American that they think the Pledge of Allegiance is just something you do when you’re about to be punched by a Frenchman. Goddamn it.
“9. Whole Foods. It’s a locavore market, it’s a scene—and if you bring your own reusable bag, most stores will knock a dime off the bill.”
We don’t know what a “locavore market” is but it sounds disgusting. We don’t’ know what a “Whole Foods” is but it sounds like it’s trying to help nature. Both of these things make us inexplicably angry. Goddamn it. This is just making us anger tired. We’re done. We can’t even continue talking about this, it’s making our pet bald eagle sad.
Now, Fortune Magazine, we’ve been through this before. We want you to sit in the corner and think about what you did. You’ve handled yourself better than you did last year…but you still have a long way to go before you see eye-to-eye with us on what truly is American.