Wherein AFFotD Decries the Slanderous Insinuations of American Prominence Perpetrated by the Fiendish Fortune Magazine: A Rebuttal of Fortune Magazine’s 100 Great Things About America List

“Are you shitting me, Fortune Magazine?  Hey, guys, from now on we’re using this fucking list as toilet paper.”

~Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD

Believe it or not, despite the existence of the America Fun Fact of the Day, there are other publications that make it a hobby to try to tell us, Americans, what constitutes being American.  Now, we have to ask you, do High School Basketball coaches go to Michael Jordan to give him pointers?  Fuck no, Jordan would use his cigar to scald their retinas.  Does the editor of a grade school newspaper tell Ernest Hemingway how to write?  The one time that happened, the kid went missing and was never seen again.  But yet, we have assholes like Fortune fucking magazine trying to post a “Independence Day 2010” article about “The Top 100 Great Things About America.”  They’d be better off getting a slug to write an exposé about taking a salt bath.  Our researchers stumbled across this little gem and immediately were stricken with a hate boner.  It’s like rigor mortis for when you see dreams die.  This article so offends us we can’t even think coherently!   Fuuuuuuuuuck!

THIS is the LEAD PHOTO for the whole damn article.  A clown desecrating the American flag by blowing out of a FUCKING VUVUZELA!  THAT GET SHIT OUT OF OUR HOUSE!

So let’s look at the highlights of their “list.”  And may God have mercy on their souls.

“101.  Charlie Brown.  Sorry Charlie, maybe next time you’ll crack the top 100.”

“100.  Bendy Straws.  Invented by a Cleveland entrepreneur—and perhaps Ohio’s most significant contribution, though we tip our hats to the Wright Brothers and its 8 U.S. Presidents”

Are you fucking with us, Fortune?  No, we want to know.  Are?  You?  Fucking?  With?  Us?  So, first of all, Bendy Straws are more important than the invention of flight?  America invented planes so we could trick poor people in third world countries in thinking that dragons are fucking real.  America invented airplanes so we could find an employment for hot women who didn’t want to stay in a town for more than one night at a time.  America invented planes so we could combine the words “Stealth” with “Bomber” and make it look like something straight out of a Batman comic.

“Sorry, giant invisible beast of death, but we at Fortune thinks BENDY STRAWS ARE MORE AMERICAN THAN YOU ARE.”

And, let’s just get this out of the way.  Bendy Straws are deemed more worthy to “crack the top 100” than Charlie fucking Brown?  Did they grow up in the 1930’s, or did their parents just electrocute their genitals every time they smiled as a child?  Peanuts is literally the only comic strip that have federal regulations against talking shit about it.  Robert Downey Jr. probably lost his virginity with “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charley Brown” playing in the background.  This is already getting off to a very poor start.

“99.  Redwood Trees.  The oldest is 2,200 years old!”

FUCK NATURE!  NO!  If you’re going to put something from, ugh, nature on your list of the great things about America?  And then you have the audacity to brag about how some Methuselah of a Redwood Tree has somehow miraculously avoided being turned into 20,000 of the world’s best tobacco pipes?  Really?  A tree living to be 2,200 years isn’t something to celebrate, it should be taken as a warning to the rest of us.  These fuckers don’t die unless you kill them, so grab and axe and learn some goddamn craftsmanship. Fuck!  You’d think that the whole “every holiday Americans go out of their way to kill literally millions of trees and then toss them on a street corner” thing would clue Fortune in on that whole “fuck nature” thing we’ve been talking about since, oh, the 16^th century.  God!

“96.  Spring Break.  We plead the fifth.”

Oh, you think you’re cute, Fortune magazine?  You list DISNEY MOVIES six spots higher than “NATIONAL GET LAID AND WASTED WEEK”!?  So, a company whose owner was, like, really chummy with Hitler is more American than a time of year that encourages reckless drinking and nudity?  Someone slap me, because I’m pretty sure I’m in a dream where Fortune Magazine was able to make America lame.  And, what, “we plead the fifth”?  Really?  That’s all you have to say for Spring Break?  Try this, asshats.

Spring Break was invented in 1947, when syphilis and cirrhosis made a bet about how many people they could trick.  The first Spring Break was called, “A week for contemplation, relaxation, and the occasional adventure.”  The second Spring Break was called, “Who else is gonna get laid tonight?  SHOTS BITCHES!”  Because the first instance occurred in than that scene from “From Here to Eternity” Spring Break is responsible for the 2^nd through the 1 millionth incidents of sex on a public beach.  If you say “Spring Break” three times in a mirror, and tube of Carmex magically appears in your hand.  When Tequilla graduates from liver kickboxing school, the first place they go is somewhere warm, near a beach, during spring, so they can put their training to proper practice.  In certain Spring Break locations, there are no news broadcasts during Spring Break, just a blank screen with the words, “Shouldn’t you be out getting shitfaced, pussy?” in glowing letters.

Yeah, plead the fifth.  We think Fortune Magazine doesn’t want to tell us what they do for Spring Break because they spent it in goddamn Ottawa learning how to knit.  If we ever saw the writers responsible for this article, we’d have Sylvester Stallone punch them in the throat, because we’d know that if he punched them in the dicks they’d think they just lost their virginity.

“88.  Chipotle.  And the guacamole really is worth $2.25 extra”

Now listen.  We all know that Chipotle is delicious.  And yes, the guacamole is really worth extra.  And the tortillas themselves are like, more calories than a piece of fried chicken.  We get that.  But so far we’ve already used three Spanish words to describe something you think is more American, than, say, Cowboys (actual Cowboys, not that shitty football team) at 93.  We appreciate obesity and stealing shit from other cultures as much as the next person, but you’re out of your element here, Fortune.  Do we like sushi?  Hell yeah.  Has America taken sushi and given it American twists?  Fuck yes, raise your hand if you’ve never eaten a California roll.  No one?  Damn straight, it’s delicious.  But is Sushi “American?”  Fuck no!  Get that out of my face!

It’s like murder.  Did America invent murder?  Of course not!  Does America do a whole mess of murder?  Shit yes!  Is murder American?  No, that would be terrible!  It’s only American if the mug shot is like, really funny.  We mean like, face-tattoo and clown-wig funny.  So yeah, fuck this selection.

“80.  The Everglades.  Where else would you go to get drunk and wrestle an alligator.”

This is one of only three alcohol references in this entire 100-American-Things-That-Actually-Lists-101-Things list, and it’s ABOUT FUCKING NATURE!  So far, the only thing American about this damn list is that they suck at math.  But, again, fuck nature!  If we wanted to get drunk and wrestle alligators, we’d give ourselves a vodka enema and break into a zoo like an adult.

“74.  The Tiffany Box.  The only package more powerful than its content.”

Go to hell.  No, seriously, go to hell.  So, what, expensive jewelry is one of the most American things you can think of?  You realize that every time you eat at a fast food restaurant, the fry cook is momentarily possessed by the spirit of freedom and spits in your pop, right?  They aren’t even aware of doing it, a higher power is just telling them, “Those assholes over there.  The ones talking about jewelry.  Spit.  Spit on all their food.  There is a reason why we gave you the flu today.”

Here is when expensive jewelry is American- when it’s a gold chain of three wolves howling at the moon, or it’s very explicit nudity.  And even then, it has to be like “expensive enough to feed a village in Africa for a decade.”  Otherwise, get that shit out of my face.  A box for jewelry is more American than Sports Mascots at 75?  If you ever visited the oval office, every secret service agent who grew up during the Cold War would take a cyanide pill, because they’d think that the communists finally won.

“62.  Vegas Weddings”

What, and nothing about Vegas STDs?  Vegas Syphilis is much more common, and it’s a surprisingly lot easier to get penicillin than an annulment.  Fortune Magazine, when you go to Vegas, every time you see a man in a suit sloppily making out with a stripper, you probably assume that they’re dating.  When you get handed a call-girl card, you probably interpret it as a marriage proposal.  Jesus Christ, you guys.

“50.  Kegs.  Even useful when empty, as moorings.”

NO!  NO NO NO NO NOOOOO!  WHAT?  NO!  NUH-UH.  NO!  First of all, wait, no, we didn’t get that out of our system yet.  NO!  GODDAMN YOU BASTARDS!  NO!  Okay, so, first of all, one spot ahead of kegs?  SCRABBLE!  Scrabble is only American if you play it AFTER KILLING A KEG, and that’s only because it’ll probably start a fight when you insist that “xphrge” is a word, no don’t get a damn dictionary, it’s a word, that’ll be 60 points please.  GODDAMN IT.  Keg’s are only at 50?  And not only that, you go out of your way to…to be happy about empty kegs?  Oh sweet Jesus, every time we empty a keg here at the AFFotD offices (usually about four or five times a day) we have to have a moment of silence, and give the thing a hero’s funeral service.  “IPA, we only knew each other briefly, but I feel that you made me funnier and a great dancer, and for that, I love you man.”

We do not however empty a keg and think, “awesome, now let’s go to a fucking dock so we can use this as goddamn moorings.”  Really?  REALLY?  That’s like listing condoms, and saying, “even useful when you’re finished, as balloons for grandma’s birthday!”  If you gave the writers of Fortune Magazine a box full of pornography, they’d get most excited about the fact that it’s recyclable.  Just…fuck these guys.

“39.  Patagonia.  The first to make polyester clothes out of old plastic bottles.”

Are you just trying to piss us off now?  I guess they took that recycling suggestion of ours from the past paragraph a little too seriously.  Patagonia is a clothing company that goes out of its way to help nature.  FUCK NATURE!  This is more American than Harley Davidson at 47?  Fuck the what the fuck!? If the staff of Fortune Magazine gave birth to a child, it would come out a eunuch.  If the staff of Fortune Magazine ever tried to watch “Die Hard” Bruce Willis would come out of the screen like that evil girl in “The Ring” and murder them just for having the audacity of trying to watch something so American.  If a writer for Fortune Magazine ever took a shot of whisky, they would spontaneously combust.  We cannot stress enough the level of “fuck you” we are projecting towards these guys right now.

“30.  Facebook.  Friend us?  Just kidding…but seriously.  Please friend us.”

Huh!?  Facebook is more American than, John Wayne, JFK, Abraham Lincoln, Ulysses S.(hit where are my pants) Grant, whisky, hot dogs, hamburgers, C. Dale Petersen, Ben Franklin, George Washington, Hemingway, Key Lime Pie, Teddy Roosevelt and just about EVERYTHING more American than goddamn Farmville.  You know what they used to call Farmville?  Fucking farming.

So, AFFotD is officially going to start the petition to make sure that you do not friend Fortune Magazine on Facebook.  Just don’t do it.  Trust us on this.

For example, if you facebook friend Fortune Magazine…

–          Your facebook account will automatically change your name to “Frenchie Mc,Like,SuchAPussy”

–          Your interests will be listed as, “Being punched, right in the face” “crying in bed at night” “Sending money to Mother Russia” and “Playing cricket.”

–          Your favorite movies will be replaced with Gigli, The Hottie and the Nottie, and “Anything directed by Uwe Boll.”

–          Your profile picture will change to an image of your parents, mid coitus, at the exact moment you were conceived.

Just don’t do it, people.  Don’t feed the monster.

“19.  Iced drinks.  When will the rest of the world figure this out?”

Cold beer.  When will Fortune Magazine realize what we did to their water cooler?

“15.  Bluebirds.  Listen to mine sing.”

We’ll save you from asking the question in the first place.  No, they don’t have a fucking bald eagle on this list.  “Oh, what bird should we list as the 15^th best thing about America?  How about…fucking this.”

Because nothing says “America” like a three ounce bird standing on a twig.

No, no, Fortune Magazine, we get it.  Bluebirds are totally awesome and American.  Yeah, the bird that saw its population decline by 70% in the 1970’s because they weren’t tough enough to stand up to Sparrows, that’s totally worth being on this fucking list.  Right.  Not like Bald Eagles are any cooler, right?

HOLY FUCK IT’S TRYING TO KILL A FUCKING BEAR!

GODDAMN IT FORTUNE MAGAZINE YOU SUCK SO HARD!

“8.  iPod, iPad, and everything Apple”

Okay, we just give up at this point.  The rest of the list is technically American and valid, like Baseball and Rock and Roll, but it’s sort of like watching the Oscars after you’ve hit the realization of, “Oh shit, really?  Crash is going to win best picture this year?”  No matter what else they choose correctly, you just know that…something is wrong.  Where’s binge drinking?  Where’s bear hunting?  Where’s AFFotD!?

There’s a lesson in all of this.  Financial magazines are better served leaving the America to AMERICA.  If Fortune Magazine tried to write an article listing “The Best 20 things about beer,” “it gets you drunk” would be off the list, and half of the entries would be about the labels.  And that makes us sick.

So do not worry, dear readers.  We at AFFotD are going to renew our vow to only highlight the truly American things out there.  Because, seriously, fuck Bluebirds.  Fuck Nature.  Fuck you, Fortune Magazine.  Goddamn it.