“Chug chug chug chug chew chew chew chew run run run run!”
~Only the Most American of Runners
Americans either love or hate exercising. Sure, you can find some middle ground of, people that guess they should go for a jog today, but generally speaking, you have two camps of American exercisers—the kind of person that gets really into their workout journal, and the kind of person who actively brags that they go out of the way to limit their day to day physical exertions as much as possible. The stereotypes are in place—you have the cross-fit trainer on a Paleo diet, or you have the overweight American chugging a beer while eating a ChipoHut Taco (that’s where you take a Chipotle burrito, put it inside a full Pizza Hut pizza, and fold the whole thing into a massive taco).
Naturally, the latter is the more American option. However, in the past few years, people who “exercise” and “take care of their bodies” and “can go up a flight of stairs without running out of breath” have seemingly taken a hard look at themselves and said, “Yes, I should still exercise, but maybe I can find a way to do it while also being a little unhealthy, which sounds a lot more fun.”
We’ve coined a term for this kind of slightly unhealthy, exponentially more fun exercise—the Jog N’ Vom. Basically, dozens of races have sprung up across America that don’t want you to just run an arbitrary distance while they time you—they want you to incorporate drinking or eating something super unhealthy into your run, turning your 5K into an eating or drinking competition, which is a wonderful thing.
So, for you health nuts out there that still want to be the best American you can be, we present with you a (fairly) comprehensive list of the races that let you be bad while being good.
Jog N’ Vom: America’s Official Food and Drink Races
Posted in America's Best Foods, America's Culinary Treats, Pizza Pizza, Strange America, Strange Foods
Tagged America, April Fool's Twinkie Race, Bastille Day Baguette Relay Race, beer mile, Burrito Run, Chipotle, Chug chug chug chug, corndog classic, cupcake Run, Donut Dash, Donut Dash for CASA, Durham Doughman Relay, Hot Chocolate 15K, Jog, Jog N' Vom, Krispy Kreme, Krispy Kreme Challenge, NYC Cupcake Run, NYC Pizza Run, Pancake Race, pizza, Pizza Hut, Pizza Run, Run, San Diego Burrito Run, twinkie, Twinkie Race
“Are you shitting me, Fortune Magazine? Hey, guys, from now on we’re using this fucking list as toilet paper.”
~Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD
Believe it or not, despite the existence of the America Fun Fact of the Day, there are other publications that make it a hobby to try to tell us, Americans, what constitutes being American. Now, we have to ask you, do High School Basketball coaches go to Michael Jordan to give him pointers? Fuck no, Jordan would use his cigar to scald their retinas. Does the editor of a grade school newspaper tell Ernest Hemingway how to write? The one time that happened, the kid went missing and was never seen again. But yet, we have assholes like Fortune fucking magazine trying to post a “Independence Day 2010” article about “The Top 100 Great Things About America.” They’d be better off getting a slug to write an exposé about taking a salt bath. Our researchers stumbled across this little gem and immediately were stricken with a hate boner. It’s like rigor mortis for when you see dreams die. This article so offends us we can’t even think coherently! Fuuuuuuuuuck!
THIS is the LEAD PHOTO for the whole damn article. A clown desecrating the American flag by blowing out of a FUCKING VUVUZELA! THAT GET SHIT OUT OF OUR HOUSE!
So let’s look at the highlights of their “list.” And may God have mercy on their souls.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, America's Greatest Fun Facts
Tagged Abraham Lincoln, America, Bald Eagles, Beer, Ben Franklin, Bendy Straws, Bluebirds, C. Dale Petersen, Charlie Brown, Chipotle, Disney, Ernest Hemingway, Everglads, Facebook, Farmville, Fortune Magazine, Fuck Nature, George WAshington, Hamburgers, hot dogs, Iced drinks, ipad, ipod, JFK, John Wayne, Johnny Roosevelt, Kegs, Key Lime Pie, Las Vegas, Patagonia, Redwood Trees, Spring Break, Stealth Bomber, Sushi, Teddy Roosevelt, Tiffany's, Ulysses S. Grant, Vuvuzela, Whisky