“Heh heh. Cox. I mean, Mr. Governer.”
~Presidential Debate Proctor, 1920
As we’ve established time and time again, we’re not the best at math, but as far as we can tell, America has been a country for over 150 years, and has had more than 40 presidents. 43 presidents maybe? 45? Either way, it’s less than 50. And that means that anytime you have the chance to become the President of the Most Powerful Country In The World (pre-2008 division), your name will be in the history books, even if it’s just as a footnote.
The problem with being a part of history is that the first and, in some cases only, thing that we see in a history book is the name of the person. Yes, we know that George Washington had fake teeth and liked to stand up on boats, but the first thing we register about him is his name. George Washington. A strong, authoritative name that screams “Presidential.” Now not all of our Presidents were blessed with such a fitting name (looking at you, Herbert Hoover) but they at least managed to have names that didn’t actively get in the way of their political gains.
Which is why we’re here to focus on those whose name did get in the way. The Presidential candidates that got their names on the ballots, failing to realize that maybe they should have changed their name before making the entire population read their name in the polling booth and suppress a giggle. That’s why we present for you…
The Most Unfortunately Named Politicians To Ever Run For President
Posted in The Best of the Rest, The Other Guys
Tagged America, American Presidents, Barack Obama, FDR, Federalist Party, George Bush, George WAshington, Gerald Ford, Green Clay Smith, Herbert Hoover, Horatio Seymour, James M. Cox, Jimmy Carter, Presidents, Prohibtion Party, Rufus King, Silas C. Swallow, Teddy Roosevelt, Ulysses S. Grant, Wendell Willkie
“hahaha ohhh he said it!”
~Adoring Las Vegas crowds
It’s been a while since you’ve heard from the crew at America Fun Fact of the Day. Part of that is that we’ve been busy working on a reality TV show called “Inside The Lives Of Real Americans” which we got fired from after we went through the entire liquor budget that TLC allowed in two days. And part of that is that, after getting fired, we decided to spend some time in Las Vegas.
“But why Las Vegas, and why am I here as a flimsy humor article rhetorical construct?” you might be screaming at the computer, possibly while soiling yourself. “And seriously, if you’re going to put words in my mouth, please don’t make me seem like some deconstructed ruin of where humanity can fail” you might add while smashing frozen tater tots into a waffle iron and serving the end result on the last clean T-shirt that you own, which happens to be a Pearl Jam Summer Tour 1997 shirt.
But to answer the question of this shambling mess of a human being which we’ve apparently decided to fictitiously create to embody you, the reader, why wouldn’t we go to Las Vegas? It has everything. There are alcoholic drinks that come in glasses a yard long, nothing ever closes, you get free drinks for legally gambling, and you can solicit the services of a prostitute and come to the conclusion that you can never undo the things that you’ve done, and that doesn’t bother you because you’re dead inside.
And, of course, there is the 10PM show of “The New Mr. Las Vegas” himself, George Wallace, at The Flamingo every night. We realized that this man knew comedy in a way that we could only dream of, and we can’t think of a better way to pay him tribute than to give him his very own fun fact, stealing/recycling his jokes so the world can appreciate him without having to pay $30 in Vegas.
George Wallace Has His Mess Right
“I want all of these. No, I want MORE than all of these.”
Ingenuity often comes from the most obvious places. People have liked meth, wolves, and oversized T-shirts for years, but it wasn’t until someone sat down and said, “Hey, let’s put three wolves on a KFC-stained T-shirt” that we collectively said, “Oh, of course” and bought a million shirts from The Mountain. We didn’t know that chocolate could be put into peanut butter, and vice versa, without a combination of divine intervention and mercy killings. So when we were told that Heroes in Action Toys made action figures of American presidents, we weren’t particularly impressed…until they clarified that the presidents were also monsters.
And we immediately wanted to buy all of them.
Yes, it seems so simple in retrospect, but it took a true genius to come up with monster versions of each American president, and it would be a disservice if we didn’t take you through each and every item on the catalog to show you how incredibly American this idea is. You’re welcome.
Heroes in Action Toys Presents: Presidential Monsters
Posted in Lincoln, Strange America, The Other Guys
Tagged Abraham Lincoln, Action Figures, America, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Dracula, Frankenstein, George W. Bush, JFK, Monsters, Mummy, Phantom of the Opera, Presidents, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, Swamp Thing, The Mountain, Vampire, Wolfman, Zombie
“I need to buy all of these. Every. Single. One.”
Art is okay, we guess. It’s one of the classiest ways to see boobs, and if you have a friend that’s deciding to not make money by painting shit for a living, you at least can go to their gallery openings for an evening of free wine and sub-par cheese spreads. And there are plenty of Americans who have added very iconic and significant contributions to the artistic and pop culture world, like that one guy who designed the label for Campbell’s soup.
But if there are kinds of art that we don’t particularly care for (looking at you, 25 foot black canvas with a single silver dot on it), there’s one that we can never get enough of. And that would be images of American presidents and historical figures doing badass things in impossible contexts. We’ve shown some of these images on our site before, but now it’s time we give proper due, thanks to the gentle prodding from Bro Bible, to American digital artist Jason Heuser. Because any man that can depict Ben Franklin with Wolverine claws fighting Zeus deserves our money.
Posted in Jackson, Lincoln, Roosevelt, The Other Guys, Washington
Tagged Abraham Lincoln, America, Andrew Jackson, Ben Franklin, Ernest Hemingway, FDR, JFK, Ronald Reagan, Teddy Roosevelt, Thomas Jefferson
“It, um, well it is…pretty nice.”
~President Barack Obama
While we in the America Fun Fact of the Day offices prefer to talk about historical American buildings that look like genitalia, there are certain buildings that define America, even if they don’t like anything funny. Well, granted, the Capital building sort of looks like a boob if you squint at it…
…but one of the most iconic buildings in America is, and always will be, The White House, the home of America’s president, and likely the origin of the term, “Papa gets swag.”
Posted in The Other Guys
Tagged America, Barack Obama, First Kid, James Hoban, John F. Kennedy, President, Richie Rich, Sinbad, Thomas Jefferson, War of 1812, White House
“Gonna getchya drunk, bitches.”
We expect a lot from our Presidents. Sign this bill, kill this terrorist, take a lengthy vacation, sign this other bill, cover up that murder committed by your cousin, give a presidential pardon to a turkey on Thanksgiving, it can be quite a chore. And many American Presidents have had to find their own creative ways to let off some steam while on the job. Richard Nixon had his voyeuristic taping habits. Bill Clinton had chubby chicks. Jimmy Carter would club homeless people over the head and trap them inside the drywall of houses made for the poor.
However, there is a little known Presidential hobby that is becoming increasingly popular, and results in a lot less collateral damage than Jimmy “My Kindly Southern Disposition Hides a Sinister Past” Carter.
That’s right. Presidents like to brew beer. USA! USA!
“Osama’s dead! I mean…beer!”
Posted in The Other Guys
Tagged America, Barack Obama, Beer, Beer Brewing, Bill Clinton, Craft Brewing, George WAshington, George Washington Beer Recipe, Home Brewing, Jimmy Carter, Microbrew, New York Public Library, Osama, President, Richard Nixon
“I got your Vice-Presidency riiiiight here.”
The America Fun Fact of the Day organization has taken a lot of heat from various public interest groups over the years, which is to be expected whenever a fresh, vibrant voice appears to lead the general public down the proper American path. Native American groups really didn’t take kindly to our Super Bowl commercials that ran under the slogan, “Indians: Stop Bitching and Be Thankful We Let You Have Casinos” (though, surprisingly, the media uproar over those spots was largely overshadowed by how much people inexplicably loathed those boring Groupon ads). A lot of Eastern European groups tend to take umbrage with our bizarre inexplicable hatred towards Ukranians. And, of course, we take a lot of heat from MADD for our supposedly controversial “High Fives for safe Buzzed drivers” program, and our, “Blowing a .08 isn’t nearly as big of a crime as blowing a .2, get over it America” advertising banners that we may or may not have placed on the MADD website for a time.
We didn’t earn any favors with this campaign either…
And of our many transgressions (people always tend to overlook our Condor fighting ring, which baffles us to no end) our stance towards alcohol (mainly that it’s awesome) tends to get a surprising amount of backlash. Not that we care to address that backlash at the moment. Let’s put it this way, 90% of the people that tell us, “Alcohol ruins lives” also list their favorite TV shows as being According to Jim, Two and a Half Men, and The Bachelor. Call us cynical, but we’re not too worried about losing that demographic as readers.
This show got eight seasons. EIGHT. Yet Arrested Development got cancelled after three. This message was sponsored by whiskey. “Whiskey: Drink me to forget.”
Alcohol is as American as drinking Alcohol, which, for those who have never read AFFotD, is incredibly American. And that’s why we choose to salute one of the best moments in American Alcohol consumption. The Vice-Presidential inauguration of Abraham Lincoln’s Vice President, Andrew Johnson.
Posted in The Other Guys
Tagged Abraham Lincoln, According to Jim, America, Andrew Jackson, Andrew Johnson, Andrew Johnson is not Andrew Jackson, Arrested Development, Casinos, Drunk, GLADD, Groupon, It was Announced That Osama Bin Laden Was Killed But We're not going to Mention This Anywhere But in this Extremely Long Tag, Johnny Roosevelt, MADD, Robert Duvall, Super Bowl Commercials, The Bachelor, Tommy Lee Jones, Two and a Half Men, Whiskey
“Ask not what your country can do for you, ask…hey, who’s the blonde?”
~John F. Kennedy
It is a sad but simple truth that not all of our American heroes live a full life. Some are fixed in the cosmos, shining beacons of glory, while others pass through like a shooting star, all-too-brief, but spectacular for its short time among us. And sometimes, a shooting star will see another shooting star and bone it.
John F. Kennedy was one of those sex craved shooting stars.