Tag Archives: James Buchanan

America’s Drunkest Presidents: James Buchanan

“Hangover?  I hardly even KNOW her!  Ha ha ha, oh, I’m an awful president.”

~James Buchanan  

 buchanan 1

The founding entry of our new segment entitled “America’s Drunkest Presidents” was about George Washington, our founding father.   We basically took one of our greatest presidents in history, and talked about how was also one of the greatest drinking president in history, because we are legally obligated to talk up George Washington and ignore some of that not-so-cooloh-shit-don’t-click-these-links stuff.  That said, he was an impressive drinker, which we’re super thankful for since the idea of a teetotaler as our badass founding General is too much for us to take.  However, even though it worked out that way the first time, this segment is not called “America’s Best Drunk Presidents.”  It is just “America’s Drunkest Presidents.”

We want to make that clarification before we go ahead and tell you about arguably the best drinking president we’ve ever had.  But as good as he was at drinking (and, you’ll see, he was super good at it) he was pretty much the polar opposite at presidenting (just, so bad, you guys.)

So let’s talk about James Buchanan, the very drunk, but no good, 17th president of the United States.

America’s Drunkest Presidents:  James Buchanan

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The Pig War Had a Silly Name

“Heh.  Pig War.”

~James Buchanan


Despite our general sense of hubbub and brick-a-bracking militarism, we at the AFFotD do recognize that wars have costs, and as much as you might want to say that, “Oh, the Battle of New Orleans was so badass” you have to measure that with some platitude like “Even though it was sad those people died and stuff.  We guess.”  However, it is a universal rule that two possible things can make it totally okay to glorify and make fun of a war.

1.        If it has a ridiculous name.  We don’t care how long the war went on, or how many casualties any side suffered, if you name your war “The War of Jenkin’s Ear” we are going to point out that this is both hilarious and awesome.

2.       The war is bloodless.  Because then, calling it a war seems sort of silly.  Did anyone die in the Red River Bridge War, between Oklahoma and Texas in 1931?  No!  Are we glad that no Americans lost their lives over a stupid bridge?   Yes, of course, America and such and such.  And are we going to make fun of your war, and probably say something like, “Oh come on we’ve seen domestic abuse cases with more action”?  Well, probably not, since that’s a bit of a sore subject for people  So just ignore that domestic abuse bit.  Cough.

So that’s why we have absolutely no problem making a bunch of domestic abuse jokes crassly worded jokes about one war in particular, because it miraculously manages to adhere to both of the above criteria, while also possessing a wealth of hilarious google images.  To some, it’s known as the Northwestern Boundary Dispute, to others the San Juan Boundary Dispute.  But that’s bullshit, Wikipedia knows what’s up, because they know that the actual name of this 1859 conflict between America and England is the only name worth giving it.

So today, we’re going to talk about… The Pig War.

We weren’t kidding about the google images thing

The Pig War gets a lot of credit from our staff, if for no other reason than its Wikipedia page has the actual sentence, “The pig was the only casualty of the war.”  That has to be the most delicious war we’ve ever heard of.  That would be like fighting a war against beer kegs using hatchets.  Only good things can come from the end of that battle.  Except for the slew of drunk dudes holding onto axes.  But we digress.

“I am…just so drunk right now.”

The war began because Irishmen don’t like fences.  Or something, we don’t know, there is a complex issue of land rights, and the national ownership of the San Juan islands, which were stood between Washington and the Vancouver Islands.  As a result, both Americans and citizens of the United Kingdom made their home there.  The conflict began when a pig owned by an Irishman, Charles “There is literally no other way I’d be in a history book” Griffin, would go into the lawn of the American, Lyman “I know right, Charles?  I can’t believe we’re actually somewhat remembered by obscure historians because of this shit.  Ha, I even have a Wikipedia page” Cutlar.  Cutlar, being pissed off that the Irishman’s pig kept eating his damn potatoes (ha, we know, ironic right?) shot the pig.

So not quite this

Griffin got pissed at the death of his pig, and Cutlar offered $10 dollars (which was folding money back in those days, big cash) over the death of the pig, to which Griffin said, “Screw that, I want one hundred dollars.”  To highlight the absurdity of this situation, we will show you the modern equivalent of this conversation.

Griffin:  Holy shit, you just wrecked my car!

Cutlar:  Listen, I’m sorry, that was my bad, here, I’ll give you $25,000 to make up for it.

Griffin:  Nonsense, I demand TWENTY FIVE MILLION DOLLARS!  IMMEDIATELY!  IN BRIEFCASES!

As the British threatened to arrest Cutlar, American settlers called upon for aid from the local military, while the British brought in their troops, and it essentially was 500 Americans facing 2000 British, each with explicit orders to not fire the first shot.

Piiiiiiiiiggggg Waaaaarrrrrrrrr

As we mentioned earlier, no actual battles came of this, because once word reached the higher up military folk for both nations, they said, “…Seriously?  Over a fucking pig?” and called off the troops.  There was a general calm peace for a while, where both England and America maintained camps on the San Juan Islands.

But do you know who ultimately got control of those islands?

USA!  USA!

Which should just go to show you.  Even if it’s a stupid war over a single goddamned dead pig, we will win in the end.  Boom.  Face.

America’s Ugliest Vice-Presidents Part 1: #10-6

“Well, uh, that Biden fella is goofy looking and, uh, I believe we should make him the Vice President.”

~President Barack Obama

American Presidents run the gauntlet from “Ugly as sin” to “Your wife would bone him, let’s be honest” as far as physical attractiveness goes.  But, to be President of the world’s greatest nation that only gets better when you remove the letter “e” from its name, you have to have a pretty large, healthy ego.  So, for most Amrrican Presidents, there have been terrifying looking monster serving as their Vice-President.  The more you think about it, the more sense it makes- much like a Bride giving her Maids of Honor ugly dresses to wear, the President wants the Vice-President to be there to make them look good.  As much as her politics, rhetoric, and speeches were incredibly divisive and damaging to John McCain’s 2008 presidential campaign, what really doomed him from the start was that he decided to choose a running mate who makes you feel sort of funny when you see how she looks in a bikini with a gun.  Meanwhile, an old man and a MILF were running against a young man and the puppet from Jeff Dunham’s stand up ventriloquist bits.

Young man with a puppet running mate win every time.

It’s American to be an ugly Vice-President, and honestly, there are so few instances of non-monster-like vice presidents that those that don’t look like a child of Mothra end up having an easy ticket into the White House.  Plus, we’re pretty sure that the only reason Teddy Roosevelt was a Vice-President before becoming President was that he threatened to shoot McKinley if he wasn’t made VP before pointing at his nose and saying, “That’s called foreshadowing, asshole.”

So as the representatives of the pulse of this fine nation, AFFotD is primed to run down a list of the 10 ugliest American Vice-Presidents.  Because even if they achieved more power than we ever can hope to come close to, we can take solace in the fact that no one remembers their names, and they were goofy looking.  Like, really goofy looking.

[editor’s note- though it’s an easy target most people can recognize, we are not putting Dick Cheney on this list, mainly because our research staff found a picture from his High School Yearbook, and the majority of our female staffers said, “Holy shit, I’d actually bang that guy.”]

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