“Heh.  Pig War.”

~James Buchanan

Despite our general sense of hubbub and brick-a-bracking militarism, we at the AFFotD do recognize that wars have costs, and as much as you might want to say that, “Oh, the Battle of New Orleans was so badass” you have to measure that with some platitude like “Even though it was sad those people died and stuff.  We guess.”  However, it is a universal rule that two possible things can make it totally okay to glorify and make fun of a war.

1.        If it has a ridiculous name.  We don’t care how long the war went on, or how many casualties any side suffered, if you name your war “The War of Jenkin’s Ear” we are going to point out that this is both hilarious and awesome.

2.       The war is bloodless.  Because then, calling it a war seems sort of silly.  Did anyone die in the Red River Bridge War, between Oklahoma and Texas in 1931?  No!  Are we glad that no Americans lost their lives over a stupid bridge?   Yes, of course, America and such and such.  And are we going to make fun of your war, and probably say something like, “Oh come on we’ve seen domestic abuse cases with more action”?  Well, probably not, since that’s a bit of a sore subject for people  So just ignore that domestic abuse bit.  Cough.

So that’s why we have absolutely no problem making a bunch of domestic abuse jokes crassly worded jokes about one war in particular, because it miraculously manages to adhere to both of the above criteria, while also possessing a wealth of hilarious google images.  To some, it’s known as the Northwestern Boundary Dispute, to others the San Juan Boundary Dispute.  But that’s bullshit, Wikipedia knows what’s up, because they know that the actual name of this 1859 conflict between America and England is the only name worth giving it.

So today, we’re going to talk about… The Pig War.

We weren’t kidding about the google images thing

The Pig War gets a lot of credit from our staff, if for no other reason than its Wikipedia page has the actual sentence, “The pig was the only casualty of the war.”  That has to be the most delicious war we’ve ever heard of.  That would be like fighting a war against beer kegs using hatchets.  Only good things can come from the end of that battle.  Except for the slew of drunk dudes holding onto axes.  But we digress.

“I am…just so drunk right now.”

The war began because Irishmen don’t like fences.  Or something, we don’t know, there is a complex issue of land rights, and the national ownership of the San Juan islands, which were stood between Washington and the Vancouver Islands.  As a result, both Americans and citizens of the United Kingdom made their home there.  The conflict began when a pig owned by an Irishman, Charles “There is literally no other way I’d be in a history book” Griffin, would go into the lawn of the American, Lyman “I know right, Charles?  I can’t believe we’re actually somewhat remembered by obscure historians because of this shit.  Ha, I even have a Wikipedia page” Cutlar.  Cutlar, being pissed off that the Irishman’s pig kept eating his damn potatoes (ha, we know, ironic right?) shot the pig.

So not quite this

Griffin got pissed at the death of his pig, and Cutlar offered $10 dollars (which was folding money back in those days, big cash) over the death of the pig, to which Griffin said, “Screw that, I want one hundred dollars.”  To highlight the absurdity of this situation, we will show you the modern equivalent of this conversation.

Griffin:  Holy shit, you just wrecked my car!

Cutlar:  Listen, I’m sorry, that was my bad, here, I’ll give you $25,000 to make up for it.

Griffin:  Nonsense, I demand TWENTY FIVE MILLION DOLLARS!  IMMEDIATELY!  IN BRIEFCASES!

As the British threatened to arrest Cutlar, American settlers called upon for aid from the local military, while the British brought in their troops, and it essentially was 500 Americans facing 2000 British, each with explicit orders to not fire the first shot.

Piiiiiiiiiggggg Waaaaarrrrrrrrr

As we mentioned earlier, no actual battles came of this, because once word reached the higher up military folk for both nations, they said, “…Seriously?  Over a fucking pig?” and called off the troops.  There was a general calm peace for a while, where both England and America maintained camps on the San Juan Islands.

But do you know who ultimately got control of those islands?

USA!  USA!

Which should just go to show you.  Even if it’s a stupid war over a single goddamned dead pig, we will win in the end.  Boom.  Face.