Heh, you ain’t gonna find any of me, right?”
~George W. Bush
America is great at whatever they put their mind to, ranging from Lady’s Soccer to anything that isn’t Men’s Soccer. But even we can’t keep an appearance of perfection at all times. If there were Americans who, say, looked great every moment of every day, there’d be no reason to Photoshop away the Bulimia-related liver splotches on our most attractive models. No matter who you’re choosing to idealize, you’re going to be able to find photographic evidence of some imperfection (cough Megan Fox has toe thumbs cough).
Nowhere is that more evident than with our nation’s leaders. For as long as President’s have been being photographed, presidents have been photographed looking downright goofy or ridiculous at times. Here is a rundown of the goofy photos of each American President.
Obviously the most recent presidents are going to be the easiest to find goofy pictures of. Barack Obama became president when there was so much shit on the internet that you can find pictures of your own genitals online, even if they’ve never been photographed. So of course we’re going to have a slew of Obama pictures where he’s looking goofy as shit. Probably holding a baby or something too…
Here we see Barack Obama holding a baby with a look on his face that mirrors what all of us are thinking. “What the fuck is up with that baby’s hair.”
And apparently, his favorite Star Trek character was Spock.
And here he is while filming a scene in a movie where he’s supposed to start tripping balls after taking some LSD. If you’re not seeing it, imagine him laughing in super slow motion, with his voice artificially lowered. Haaaaaaaaaaw haaaaaaaw haaaaaaaaaaaw. “Go ask Alice…when she’s ten feet talllll.”
We do have a lot of President’s to go through, though, so let’s not dwell here.
George W. Bush
Like Obama, George Bush is somewhere we want to tread carefully, let the comments section turns into some sort “Anything you can do I can do better” sing-along between Liberals and Conservatives. We just appreciate a goofy expression on a President’s face. Bush helped us with that.
Okay in all honesty, this…was easily avoidable. Being caught with a strange look briefly on your face happens to the best of us. Even Brooklyn Decker farts. But most of us have a moment in life when we ask ourselves, do we take a picture of us lovingly cradling the head of a giant feminine rabbit? Most of us say no. Maybe we don’t have the courage to say yes.
We…okay this one is less his fault. And to be honest, if a turkey went for our belt buckle that aggressively, we’d probably have a similar look on his face.
And that sinks it. American Presidents are just straight up scared of babies. It’s not a politics thing. Before we start going into the “tougher to find pictures of” areas of Presidency, let’s end this one on a high note.
Well… this is just badass, we have nothing negative to say about this one bit.
Bill Clinton was to 1990’s white men playing saxophones while wearing shades what 1990’s white men playing saxophones while wearing shades were to Bill Clinton. In fact, if you took a picture of Bill Clinton playing a saxophone, and put it next to a picture of the California Raisons, you’d be just one Saved by the Bell photo away from ripping apart the space-time continuum and sending us to an alternate dimension where it is the 1990’s forever.
Hide your daughters, if your daughters are interns (oh right, Monica Lewinsky jokes were also very popular in the 90s).
You know why people assumed Bill Clinton was such a cheerful guy? Because when he frowned he looked like the old-man puppet Jeff Dunham uses. Seriously.
Ooooo eeee ooooo
Okay in this one, it’s more the fact that Clinton happens to be married to a woman who looks like she was animated by Beetlejuice.
The one where he looks like he’s going to deep throat a microphone is all on him though. Chaaaange presidents!
George H.W. Bush
Remember this guy? The one who inspired rancid ambiguity throughout his term? Seriously, he’s bound to go down as one of the more forgettable Presidents. Unless Dana Carvey’s career gets a major comeback. The only problem is that he is so overshadowed by his son in terms of popular culture that it’s next to impossible to find appropriate photos of him. But that’s why we have IV bags of Four Loko for our research staff, we suppose.
You know when you go past a local theatre, and they have a play featuring a “powerhouse performance of a lifetime” by some older male actor? And you never know who it is, but they try really hard to make it seem like he’s this dramatic theatrical genius? This is that actor’s headshot.
…Kiss him…kiiiiissss hiiimmmmm….
Ha. That’ll do just fine. Let’s go to the Gipper.
Ronald Reagan would have to be considered one of our naturally most photogenic President’s, just because the guy started his career as a damn actor. He was paid to look good. So while he had his camera smile down pat, you know, we still have stuff like him pretending to be a moose…
Though it is surprisingly though to find strange looks on his face, since he perpetually had a half-smile whenever a picture was taken. But we could cheat and take pictures of him from movies too…
Like feeding a monkey a bottle. Which is both ridiculous looking and envy causing, because what the hell, America, where’s our monkey!?
Oh, and here he is laughing at Queen Elizabeth’s ridiculous dress. God, this picture is older than most of our staff. Now, we begrudgingly go to our next president.
You’re fucking boring. You’re so fucking boring. We hate the fact that we have to research photos of you you are so goddamn boring.
Here Jimmy Carter looks like that old lady in your neighborhood that always handed out apples and toothbrushes for Halloween. Jimmy Carter sucks so hard.
Goddamn it. Go away Jimmy Carter. “Oh, but he builds homes for disadvantaged…” shut it. Shut it. Jimmy Carter is so fucking boring he makes Al Gore seem like interspecies porn.
All we know about Gerald Ford is that no one voted for him, and he once shared nachos with Homer Simpson. That’s all we need to know. We also know he could look goofy as shit at times.
Oh dear, this is an official portrait, and he still looks kinda…not entirely there. He looks like he’s trying to find genitalia in scrambled porn. This is going to be a little unfairly easy…
…Wow, what is going on with that…hair? On one hand, we’re impressed that he was a football player, but on the other hand we can’t understand why he’s got a hair style that’s best suited on the main bully in a John Hughes movie.
And here he…just looks confused. He has no idea what he’s looking into. But he was never meant to be president…though he at least wasn’t the mess that the previous president was…
Oh this should be fun.
Shh…no more words. Just pictures.
(Wait, wait, wait, are you fucking serious 1970s? Goddamn it, get your shit together!)
Ahhh, that was fun. Cathartic even. Let’s continue onward, until we run out of president’s who had pictures taken of them.
Lyndon B. Johnson
God, there are so many Presidents. We had no idea. “There have been 44 Presidents” is only a sentence with a number to us, plus we don’t particularly care for Math here.
Ten bucks says his wife is on the phone.
Haha, still slightly more sanitary use of the Oval Office than Clinton’s preferences.
Johnson, in the middle of saying, “That’s a spicy meat-a-ball!” Supposedly, Johnson was a legit man-whore, but it’s impossible he could out-man whore…
Goddamn, JFK was a handsome man. So this is going to be legitimately difficult… Thankfully our research department is extremely tanked at this point.
Okay, so that’s pretty funny. But also, Marilyn Monroe’s breasts were designed by scientists to make it impossible to avoid staring at them when in their presence, but you know. Ha. That’s gonna be it for JFK, ‘cause in the course of searching we ran into his autopsy pic, so we’re going to keep trudging along…
Dwight D. Eisenhower
Eisenhower was another President who wasn’t…the most attractive man. Sort of…bald toad eyes…
We were about to make a really bad joke, until we found out that the old lady is actually Helen Keller. So then we made a really bad joke. Why did Helen Keller’s dog run away? You’d run away too if your name was “Urrhhhmnnn mnheamnnn uhhhnnmmmm”
Pudgy nerd! Who fishes with glasses on anyway, honestly?
Ha, okay, that’s pretty cool.
Franklin Delino Roosevelt
FDR was a pretty iconic president, and we don’t want to do anything to change that. Though we do want to put a picture of him smoking and drinking at the same time.
And here he is as a villain in the second Tim Burton Batman film.
We can’t top a president looking like the goddamn Penguin. At least not during this segment. So stay tuned tomorrow for when we go through the remainder of the Presidents that we can find pictures of. Because there are…a lot of Presidents out there.