“No, but seriously, you’re not gonna put any goofy pictures of me, right?”
~George W. Bush
As we discussed in yesterday’s fun fact, anyone can have a bad picture taken of them. And the more pictures taken of you, the better the chance that you’ll come off looking less than flattering. And who gets more pictures taken of them than anyone? Actors and models. Oh right, well yeah, but apart from that? POTUS, motherfuckers. Here’s our continuing list of goofy Presidential photos, from Herbert Hoover to Abe Lincoln.
Herbert Hoover was kind of pudgy, and he did not choose a good time to be President. But we’re just going to focus on the fact that he’s kind of pudgy.
Sort of looks like…he’s perpetually pouting… he looks less “Presidential” here than “One of Malfoy’s goons in the Harry Potter movies.”
There was a time in America where everyone wore collared shirts with weird collars that look like this. And everyone was supposed to wear hats. Always. Even if you looked goofy as all shit wearing that hat. Hoover hates this hat so much right now. Just look at his eyes. Look at that resentment. Anyway, there’s not a lot of good pictures of Hoover, so here’s one of him using a hat to hide his erection while he stands next to Babe Ruth.
Is there a reason that every president that served at some point in the 1920’s looked absolutely like they would fit in as a gangster? Was it the style at the time, or did gangster’s faces exude the type of confidence our nation was looking for in public officials? Case and point, it’s hard to read, “This man wants to break your legs,” without believing it as you look at the following picture.
Right? That’s not just us right? That’s like a “hey, don’t try to put a goofy picture of me up or I will shoot you in the fucking kneecaps” expression. But tough shit, because you’re dead, Mr. Coolidge, and your ears as a kid were fucking hilarious.
Look at that! Granted, he overcame those giant cauliflower ears of his to become the leader of the free world! It’s not like you’ll find a picture of him as an adult wearing a silly hat and holding a cat as his smile forms like, five ripples in his chin or anything.
We have to admit, when we had such a hard time finding ridiculous pictures of Hoover, we just assumed that we were getting to the part in American history where it was impossible to find ridiculous pictures of presidents. But we were wrong. We were so wrong.
Could you imagine how much of a shitstorm the President would be in today if he was seen wearing an Indian headdress over a suit? Like, just the biggest shitstorm imaginable, right?
Warren G Harding
The basis for our assessments of physical attraction all revolve around symmetry. A symmetrical face genetically clues us in that the person would be a good mate, that there’s nothing wrong with them. There’s something wrong with Warren G. Harding’s face, is what we’re trying to say.
Why…uh…why are his eyebrows a completely different color than his hair? Are…are we the only ones totally freaked out about that?
This picture just brings up so many questions. Where was this taken? What’s up with the weird lighting. What the hell is that cone for? Why did someone put electrical tape around it? Are we the only ones who see this and think about that one commercial where the dude is getting blown away by speakers?
No? Just us? Really? Okay then, moving on.
Haa, no matter how many times we see a dog viciously going after Presidential junk, it never gets old.
Woodrow Wilson was American. But he looked just so British. Maybe it was the glasses. Maybe it’s the fact that when he threw a baseball he looked like he had never seen a baseball before in his life.
“Do I…punch it? Or…?”
Here’s Wilson, pictured not really helping out his case much as far as the “looking British” thing goes. Also, you know your hat is far too tall when the top of it begins to fade out of focus in a picture of you wearing it. We’re not saying, we’re just saying. And finally, we have one final picture, which manages to make him look so British we sort of want to demand to see Wilson’s full-form birth certificate.
We know British Dentistry when we see it. We’re onto you, Woody.
William Howard Taft
We’re not going to lie, we’re very excited to put pictures of William Howard Taft here, because he looks like a walrus. No offense to his family, but if any descendants of William Howard Taft are reading this, know that you are part walrus. There is walrus blood running through your veins.
William Howard Taft is immediately recognizable by his prominent whiskers and tusks, and an Adult Pacific William Howard Taft can weigh up to 1,700 kg (3,700 lbs).
The William Howard Taft was the object of heavy commercial exploitation for blubber and ivory in the 19th and early 20th centuries. The William Howard Taft is a relatively long-lived and social animal, and is considered a keystone species in Arctic Marine ecosystems.
The William Howard Taft, seen here next to a British statesman, resides primarily in a shallow oceanic shelf habitat, and its diet consists primarily of benthic bivalve mollusks.
We’re not allowed to say shit about Theodore Roosevelt. First of all, he still resides in Mount Rushmore and he’d absolutely kill us if we posted goofy pictures of him. Secondly, his great grandson is our editor-in-chief so there’s some conflict here. And finally, Theodore Roosevelt is physically unable to appear goofy. Only terrifyingly badass. For example.
Though we did manage to find one picture where he looked surprise, which is amazing. Then we realized it was just him yawning.
(note: he was yawning because he had just slaughtered four bears with his bare hands)
We’re nearing the end of our presidential list. Once you reach a certain point, and there just aren’t…pictures of presidents, period. And we’re not going to delve into paintings, because that seems trite. So we’re going to keep going until we run out of presidential pictures in our extensive libraries, but we are nearing that. Anyway, William McKinley constantly looks like he just got surprised when Groucho Marx told him what he put in the soup he just served him.
And we know that it took a while to take pictures back then, but didn’t they know that every time they took a picture in profile they looked like Danny Devito in Batman Returns?
Did you know that McKinley is on the 500 dollar bill? Teddy Roosevelt isn’t on any currency, but the McKinley, who was so allergic to bullets that he couldn’t survive an assassination attempt, gets his own dollar bill. To understand how that’s a problem, we’re saying that this man…
… is on money, but yet this man…
… isn’t. Think about that long and hard, America. You gotta get your priorities straight.
You’re not going to find goofy pictures at this point in history. Everyone had to just carefully pose for like, an hour (citation needed) to take a picture.
So what we’re left with is portly presidents looking incredibly uncomfortable, and clearly pissed off at their decision to hold onto a top hat during the picture. “Goddamn it,” the only two-nonconsecutive-term President grumbled as soon as this picture was taken. “Next time I’ll just wear the fucking thing.”
But generally, he just looked like he was going to be the owner of a chain of video game stores who was planning on sponsoring this show from Aurora, IL called Wayne’s World or something.
Benjamin Harrison had the most glorious beard that we’ve seen all day, and we’re absolutely going to make fun of it.
Look at that! While this beard is a solid six inches, which is impressive, the symmetry of it is beautiful almost. The streak of gray straight down the middle.
He also sort of looks like Darwin.
Chester A. Arthur
The late 1800’s were really a boon for president’s with absurd facial hair. Chester A Arthur should be pissed off that Ambrose Sideburns gets all the facial hair named after him.
Anyone making fun of that is doing it out of pure jealousy. Unfortunately, if you dig up grainy photos of Arthur as a soldier in the Civil War, the same facial hair doesn’t look as dignified when you’re dealing with someone significantly younger looking.
Because here, he just looks like an eccentric weed dealer.
James A. Garfield
“The Yukon, you say? I thought I’d strike it rich in the Yukon myself. I was foolish. I was young.”
And here he is awkwardly posing with a small child and a book.
We’re starting to run out of steam here…
Rutherford B. Hayes
The 1800’s chief historical export was beards and puzzled facial expressions.
Ulysses S. Grant
We love Grant. Everything about him. The fact that he looks drunk in every picture ever taken of him is just icing on the cake.
And then he threw up. Just, like, everywhere you guys.
Why has there not been a biopic of Andrew Johnson starring Tommy Lee Jones? Get it done people. Until they start work on Men in Black 3D, his schedule should be wide open.
Abraham Lincoln was a great man, and possibly a mutant. But he was just…the goofiest looking fucker. Even in the 1850s when you had to deliberately think about how you want to pose, he would think about it, and settle on this…
It’s just…wow. You know when there’s that person who combs their hair a lot who maybe would be better off not combing their hair, because when they comb their hair they look like a six-year-old kid getting his school picture taken? Yeah…
…On second thought, maybe having him not comb his hair would be a pretty bad idea as well…maybe he’d be better off shaving his head?
Oh thank God.
At that, we’re pretty sure we’ve exhausted our presidential archives. Yes, there are a handful of pictures of Buchanan out there, but Lincoln is as good of a point to call it as any. So there you have it, America. A photo history of American President’s looking goofy as all shit. Because nothing is more American than seeing great Americans and making fun of them from the anonymity of the internet. USA! USA!