“Hahahahahaha WHAT? No, wait, this was a thing done by people who were paid salaries? This is the best thing.”
~Every AFFotD Staff Member
We don’t really do political articles here. Sure, we’ve talked about what Presidents looked goofy as shit, and how fake news is really not what most politicians refer to as fake news (hi Chris, fuck off) but we’re mostly here to be like “man can you believe what they put in burritos nowadays” or “lol Budweiser sucks.”
Which is why, when we decided to write about the 2020 election, which was called over the weekend, though the incumbent has not (and, let’s be honest, likely will not) conceded, we had to sit down and think of the best way to approach it.
Do we go “fuck you and your feelings” to the minority of America who voted for President Trump, a man who, not to get all “political”, is a dumb fuck?
Or do we try to acknowledge the nuance of politics by addressing those who supported a candidate who received almost six million more votes than any Presidential candidate ever has…excluding his opponent. We could ask, how did we get here, and how can we heal.
Also an option—memeing through it.
We could go the Pierce Morgan route, which honestly, came out of left fucking field considering his, um, history.
We could even talk about, oh, we don’t know, how to be a good loser, like literally every single losing presidential candidate, versus being a petulant little boy who likes throwing tantrums.
Or, and hear us out for a second, we can realize we’re not exactly arbiters of justice and pragmatism with the tools to heal America’s soul. We’re the people that heard that Andrew Johnson got drunk at his vice-presidential inauguration, and wrote about that instead of, you know, the racism.
So let’s talk about the Four Seasons Total Landscaping story. Because we’re just here for a good time.
How the Closest Thing We Will Have to a Concession Speech Will Likely Have Taken Place at a Small Landscaping Company
There is a chance, a very small chance, that you are unaware of the press conference that the Trump campaign held at the Four Seasons (Total Landscaping) literally as all news media outlets declared that Biden would be our nation’s 46th President.
For those of you who have not heard about this, well, hello, thanks for finding us, also, we guess it’s time we tell you that Biden has won the 2020 election, and Trump mad.
But if we wanted to add more flavor to this delicious stew of “it’s not that we’re mad about it, we literally just think it’s a hilarious logistical snafu that you’d not expect from, say, a President’s campaign” then we’ll tell you.
So here are the facts. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, is the 6th largest city in the United States, slightly below Phoenix, and just ahead of San Antonio. It’s famous for *checks notes from the time our staff visited there* Ben Franklin, a Rocky Balboa statue, and the Citywide Special.
It is also home to a luxury Four Seasons, as well as two landscaping services that go by the same name. One of those landscaping services ended up holding the most recent Trump press conference (it was just his legal team, he was not there, as he would never go to Pennsylvania unless he was absolutely forced to).
Everything about this fact is hilarious.
The press conference was held by Rudy Giuliani (who you might remember from marrying his cousin and grabbing his dick) and Corey Lewandowski (who you might remember from hitting a reporter).
We should say, we watched the entire speech, because we care about you, the reader, far more than we apparently care about our well-being. It’s the speech where Giuliani insisted tens thousands of dead people voted in Philadelphia (they didn’t) and brought up a poll worker who, we’re not making this up, is a sex offender who exposed himself to children in the 90s (we swear that’s not a joke, we’re not nearly that creative or funny).
This press conference, which again, took place on the gravel lot of a landscaping company located in the outskirts of Philadelphia that happens to share the same name as a popular hotel chain, is notable for being where President Trump’s lawyer found out that the election had been called for President-Elect Biden.
He responded by shouting, “Oh, ALL the networks” and gesturing towards the sky like someone who forgot how arms work while generally giving off a vibe that we’d describe as “Michael Scott being bad at improv.”
Some real “speaking in tongues” gestures going on here.
It’s very possible that Donald Trump will refuse to concede defeat in the Presidential election, a thing that sounds scary but has no legal implications other than going down as being history’s sorest loser. If that ends up being the case, this very well could be the closest we get to a Trump concession press conference, which honestly, would be *chef’s kiss*.
So let’s ditch any pretense at structure and insert some random facts about this speech that we find wonderful and hilarious.
Yes, the Location Was Likely Intentional, and Yes, Trump Likely Thought it Was the Hotel
We’ve yet to find an account that confirms that a place named “Four Seasons” was chosen because Trump would immediately give it a thumbs up (because despite being born rich, Trump is the kind of rich person who assumes that Four Seasons are like, classy rich hotels) but, come on. That has to be.
If Trump knew the real reason for the general location of the conference, he’d have turned it down due to his ego. The fact of the matter is, Four Seasons Total Landscaping is in a relatively remote part of Philadelphia. The Four Seasons hotel is downtown, which at the time was filled with loud, boisterous Biden supporters. Not exactly the backdrop you’d want for a speech trying to imply that the people of Philly are clamoring for a Trump victory.
So we can say pretty confidently that the choice of venue was intentional, due to its relatively isolated location, and we can speculate that some poor intern found it by googling the name of luxury Philadelphia hotels and hoping to find an accommodating business that is out of the way, but shares the same name, so that Trump would think it was a classy joint.
And Yes, Four Seasons Landscaping IS Across the Street From a Crematorium and Is Next Door to an Adult Book Store
We could make a joke here but honestly why bother?
Four Seasons Landscaping Is a Woman-Owned Business, and Their Owner Does Support Trump
The owner, Marie Siravo, reportedly has posted on social media her support for Donald Trump, though it would be a stretch to call that support “fervent.” The company also insisted that they would have gladly welcomed a press conference from the Biden administration in a Facebook post that decided against adding the obvious line of “but why would Biden do a press conference way the fuck out here?”
While the Area Saw Huge Crowds, Business Actually Sucked Immediately After the Speech
They saw basically no customers on what normally would be their busiest day. Don’t worry though, they’re taking advantage of their newfound fame by selling merch.
This Is an Objectively Hilarious and Silly Story, and We Love it
We don’t have any other insight or anything here. We just have so much joy about the fact that an actual Presidential campaign had a hastily put together speech in a parking lot of a random landscaping business next to a porn shop. It’s beautiful, really. God Bless America.