Category Archives: Booze Facts

General knowledge about alcohol that you wish you knew, and now do.

A Definitive Guide To Canned Alcohol

Posted on January 7, 2014 | Leave a comment

“I feel like drinking wine out of a can is conducive to my violent hand gestures when I speak.”

~Mac

 always sunny in philly

Alcohol packaging has gone a long way since the days where our ancestors desperately suckled mead from a hole bored into a dried sheep’s bladder, which has been out of fashion since at least the 1930s.  Now, beer, wine, and liquor comes in a variety of packages such as bottles, boxes, bathtubs, your stomach, and Bender Rodriguez.  Of these many innovations, by far the most practical and actually-legal-at-certain-beaches of these containers would be the aluminum can.  Cheap, lightweight, it’s the perfect alcohol vessel for someone on the go and for overweight frat boys who like to crunch things on their head to prove they have the ability to crunch things on their head.

In a darker past, drinking alcohol from a can meant you were being forced to chug low-grade domestic sludge Budweiser or Coors, but as canning technology has improved, so too has the quality of aluminum encased alcohol.  And since our alcohol purchases can suddenly become tax deductible if we write about them, we’re here to present you with…

A Definitive Guide To Canned Alcohol

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America’s Most Alcohol Restrictive States

Posted on February 16, 2012 | 6 comments

“I’ll ask one more time- how much have you had to drink, Mr. Roosevelt?”

~I don’t understand the officer, question

We hope you’re sitting down as you read this.  Well, mainly because it’s shocking news, but also because it’d be sort of weird if you were reading this on your computer while standing up.  No one likes the guy that has one of those walking-desks.  Don’t by that guy.  But we digress.

What we are here to tell you is that, despite America being, well, America…there are states among us that have barbaric laws limiting how much, or when, you can purchase alcohol.  While some of these we will begrudgingly accept (try as we want to fight it, it seems that the government isn’t ready to endorse our “let liquor stores operate out of schools” proposal) others are downright archaic, making us wonder out loud if these state governments are run by the town from Footloose.  Because where there is no booze, as we all know, there is no dancing.

“But AFFotD, that’s terrible!  Just hearing about the regulation of alcohol gets me so mad I want to chug a bottle of tequila until I pass out and wake up wondering if the blood on my hands came from an animal or a person,” you no doubt just gargled at your computer screen mid-booze-chug.  We are aware, and that’s why we’re here to help, giving you a comprehensive guide to the states you should avoid, you know, if you like alcohol.

America’s Most Alcohol Restrictive States

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The Martini: America’s Classiest Alcohol Delivery System

Posted on January 18, 2012 | 1 comment

“You’re welcome.”

~The American Liquor industry

Every once and a while, strangers go up to us on the street and say, “Goddamn it AFFotD, I can’t believe you let your news editor befoul our daughter, I’ll kill the bastard if’n I ever lay eyes on him again,” and after we wrestle them to the ground and get their daughters contact information and age (phew, 18) they eventually, in tears, ask us why we seem to hate President Carter so much.

Is it the award he got for letting Iran misuse nuclear technology?  That didn’t help things, but no.  Was it the fact that he builds houses for the poor?  Weirdly enough we actually have a problem with that, but no that’s not it.  No we hate Carter because he is largely responsible for the fact that it’s no longer considered “acceptable” to have a three-martini lunch at work anymore.  That tells you how Un-American Jimmy Carter was while also serving as a convenient enough segue to our more important topic.

Martinis.  Invented by Americans, made by Americans, used by James Bond to sleep with American women, the Martini is the classiest way to say, “Hi, I am an individual of refined tastes, and if you approached me at this bar I very possibly will sleep with you” without sitting at a bar holding onto a string of condoms.  So with that in mind, let’s raise our cocktail glass to…

The Martini:  America’s Classiest Alcohol Delivery System

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The Top 5 American Ways to Get Drunk (Without Drinking)

Posted on December 14, 2011 | 9 comments

“Sure, go for it.”

~Anthony Bourdain

America likes alcohol about as much as America likes alcohol, but sometimes we have to eat, or we don’t feel like consuming liquids at the moment.  Shut up, it happens sometimes.  Maybe.  Anyway, it is times like that where we Americans can show our ingenuity by discovering strange, magical, almost logic-defying ways to get wasted.  Yeah, we might be lagging in education and…uh..maths? but we’re still able to get you drunk without you even knowing it.  Or in one case (number one on the list) we can get you drunk while you are terrifyingly aware of it.

That’s why we at AFFotD are here to present to you…

The Top 5 American Ways to Get Drunk (Without Drinking)

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America’s Guide to Non-Alcoholic Beer, Wine, and Liquor

Posted on December 5, 2011 | 19 comments

“And I shall banish this evil from the land.”

~He who shall save us from our darkest hour

 

Drinking alcohol is not only a delicious and helpful way to forget about your troubles, it also happens to be crucially important to all of America.  Without alcohol, churches wouldn’t be able to drink Jesus, baseball stadiums would be empty, and our birth rates would drop considerably.  It is responsible for the popularity of bowling, golf, and attractive female bartenders.  Alcohol is, in a word, essential.  It is our nation’s lifeblood.

Which is why this post will be distressing to many of you.

For as great as alcohol is as a way to cure you of your boredom, inhibitions, or not-having-cirrhosis tendencies, there are people out there that spurn alcohol.  While that itself is a shock to our sensibilities, they compound they issue by…by…

…By making non-alcoholic versions of booze.

 

“NON-alcoholic beer?  I’ll KILL YOU

That is why we are here to warn you, the vigilant American reader, about these threats to our society.  And if you happen to see any of the following products for sale in a grocery store, you are within your legal rights to burn the place to the ground.  It’s in the constitution, look it up.  And now, with much trepidation, we present to you…

The Guide to Non-Alcoholic Beer, Wine, and Liquor

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There’s No Particular Reason Why We Know So Much About Delirium Tremens

Posted on August 19, 2011 | 1 comment

“How do you know what that is?  Do you have a drinking problem?”

~Don’t judge me, OKAY!?


As Americans, it’s of utmost importance to know thine enemy.  It’s why vegetarian groups have government lobbyists, why sports coaches watch game tape, and why we have soldiers who speak Arabic.  If something is going to take you down, you want to stare it straight in the eyes and say, “I know what you’re doing, motherfucker.”

If Amy Winehouse’s death taught us anything, it’s that alcohol is the only thing standing between you and the spindly grasp of the grim reaper.  It also helped show us what the most dangerous menace to American life is.  That’s right, we’re talking about Delirium Tremens, which is the result of severe alcohol withdrawal that is 35% fatal if untreated.  It also has caused many uncomfortable family dinners for AFFotD staff members who like to make snide remarks while cracking open the first beer of the night, and who subsequently have to explain what they mean when they say they’re “warding off the DTs.”

It also happens to be the name of a beer that is 9% alcohol per volume.  Which uses a pink elephant as a mascot, which in no way is a reference to the fact that a symptom of DTing is hallucinations. 

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BoozeTown Is Real. Seriously.

Posted on March 22, 2011 | Leave a comment

“Doctor, I have a question.  Is it technically possible to, well, live…inside a bottle of liquor?  Because if there’s a way, let me know, and I’ll just do that instead.”

~Mel Johnson

Every so often, we at AFFotD imagine that you, our readers, ask aloud  something along the lines of, “Hey, whichever AFFotD writer you’ve got on staff today, what is the craziest and most American idea you have ever heard of?  Is it a bear-murder fueled cannon that shoots cheeseburgers?  Or, like, a sex doll made out of ham?  Or do you guys sometimes dream about making a hat that turns you into Robocop?  Holy shit, I want all of those things I just mentioned right now.”

Well, to you, we’d say, first of all, back the fuck off, those are our ideas and our legal department is like, 90% certain that the copyright is going through any day now, so if we even hear a WHISPER about someone putting RoboCap out on the market, we will sue your ass.  And secondly, uh, what a ridiculous question.  Do you even understand how complicated it would be to make a hat that turned you into Robocop?  Or how much time our creative department would take to come up with such an amazingly appropriate name for that as RoboCap?  Yeah, that shit doesn’t just happen, so no, we never think about those awesomely crazy American ideas.

We do, however, think about BoozeTown.

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