“I feel like drinking wine out of a can is conducive to my violent hand gestures when I speak.”
Alcohol packaging has gone a long way since the days where our ancestors desperately suckled mead from a hole bored into a dried sheep’s bladder, which has been out of fashion since at least the 1930s. Now, beer, wine, and liquor comes in a variety of packages such as bottles, boxes, bathtubs, your stomach, and Bender Rodriguez. Of these many innovations, by far the most practical and actually-legal-at-certain-beaches of these containers would be the aluminum can. Cheap, lightweight, it’s the perfect alcohol vessel for someone on the go and for overweight frat boys who like to crunch things on their head to prove they have the ability to crunch things on their head.
In a darker past, drinking alcohol from a can meant you were being forced to chug low-grade domestic sludge Budweiser or Coors, but as canning technology has improved, so too has the quality of aluminum encased alcohol. And since our alcohol purchases can suddenly become tax deductible if we write about them, we’re here to present you with…
A Definitive Guide To Canned Alcohol
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Posted in Alcohol, Giver of Life, Booze Facts
Tagged Alcohol, aluminum cans, America, Beer, Canned beer, cans, cocktails, Craft Beers, el jimador, Ermal Fraze, gin and tonic, hard cider, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Linens and Things, Liquor, margarita, Pop, Soda, Soda Pop, Union Wine Company, vodka, Whiskey, Wine
“*A constant horrifying stream of vomit*”
~American Soda drinkers
America loves soft drinks so much that every region tries to call it something else. Depending on your upbringing, you’ve spent your whole life drinking soda, pop, coke, soda pop, or fizzy drinks. Some of you even grew up enjoying “plain flavored carbonated beverages” but that’s just because you were home schooled, and your parents were too embarrassed to tell you they had tricked you into liking seltzer water. While carbonated water, the backbone of the soda industry, was first developed in 1767 by Joseph Priestley in, alas, England, America has long since used pop to fatten up our kids while keeping them obnoxiously hyperactive, with soda being available commercially stateside as early as 1806.
Pop is a part of our everyday life. The average American drinks almost 45 gallons of soft drinks every year. That sounds even more impressive when you realize that we only average 20 gallons of beer annually, so clearly someone must be doing something right in the R&D departments of old Coca-Cola and PepsiCo. We love our colas, our lemon-lime pops, hell, we even drink Mountain Dew. And while there are dozens, if not hundreds, of delicious sodas available at the nearest convenience to act as mixers for all sorts of deserving hard alcohols, there are some companies that, either on purpose or by terrible, terrible accident, make pop that is so repellant that even the Japanese have to take a step back and go, “Goddamn it America, you’re doing it wrong!”
Now’s the time to reflect and think about what you’ve done. Because some of you out there have drank these sodas. Willingly. Ye Gods.
America’s Grossest Soda Pops
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Posted in Strange America
Tagged America, Avery's, Cel-ray Soda, Coca-Cola, Hubba Bubba, Jones Soda, Lester Fixins, moxie, Pepsi, Pop, Soda, Soda Pop, strange flavors, Totally Gross Soda, Vio