“Ha ha, you fools! You foolish fools!”
Pepsi, which you might know as, “Huh, really? This Taco Bell doesn’t serve Coke?” is the second most popular soft drink manufacturer in America. Created in 1898 in North Carolina as “Brad’s Drink” (which we are on the record as thinking is the best name, by the way), it eventually was renamed Pepsi-Cola in 1903, and has been known as just Pepsi ever since 1961.
Throughout its history, it has consistently been less popular than Coca-Cola, a situation which it attempted to remedy with fairly awesome and insane marketing strategies and slogans. Seriously, some early slogans for Pepsi included, “More Bounce to the Ounce,” “Don’t be a Tramp, Buy a Can”, and “Twice as Much for a Nickel” (that last one was their official slogan for eleven years). And sure, they miiight have set Michael Jackson on fire and started his lifetime dependence on painkillers that eventually took his life, but, uh…hey, it’s the choice of a new Generation!
Either way, America knows that to get people drinking Pepsi, all they have to do is stage taste tests, get musicians to endorse it, or we guess call people tramps (you fucking tramps). However, when Japan gets their hands on it, they try to drum up interest by doing shit like this…
This is Pepsiman. He is the mascot of Pepsi in Japan. He now lives exclusively in your nightmares, every time you close your eyes.
Yup, that’s right America, it’s time for another installation of our critically acclaimed (? Okay, sure) segment-
Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: Japan’s Strangest Pepsi Flavors
America invented cola as a way to get you high. It was basically cocaine in a can, and not in that way that people say “Oh, they must put cocaine in this it’s so addictive” when they want to be glib, they actually put cocaine in it so it’d be more addictive. Once that got banned, they shrugged and decided to put in the second most addictive shit they could think of—caffeine and sugar.
So yes, Cola is pretty much just a fancy way to get as much sugar and caffeine in your system as possible. Sure, you might decide to add some cherry flavor, or you can tinker with adding vanilla to your arsenal, but ultimately, this is just something sweet you’ll force into your gullet because it goes well with Jack Daniels and because after a while your body starts shaking if you don’t have it during your lunch. We get that, we salute that. We don’t fuck with that.
But Japan does. Oh, futuristic, terrifying Japan. Because if you find yourself craving a nice Pepsi in Japan, you’ll probably be treated to one of these flavors assaulting your taste buds, leaving you sobbing that, well, sure, you didn’t say no, but you didn’t say yes either goddamn it.
Salty Watermelon Pepsi
Okay, cards on the table, our response to Salty Watermelon Pepsi is pretty similar to our response to sexual overtures when we go to gay bars in an attempt to get drinks purchased for us. Yes, we’re flattered. Maybe even a little curious. But we’re not ready to make a decision on that matter until you buy us at least three more whiskey sours.
But this is crazy, people. It’s pretty much impossible to find a watermelon flavored pop, much less one that has salt added to it as well. When your product is 90% high fructose corn syrup and 10% middle fingers pointed at childhood obesity activists, why would you try to hit the salty side of the taste spectrum there? This would be like making a potato chip that tastes like caramel butter. Okay, bad example, but you get the idea.
Really, our biggest issue with this limited time only Pepsi product is the rationale for its creation. Apparently, in Japan, sprinkling salt on watermelon has recently started to become popular…so that was enough to warrant spending millions of R&D dollars to turn that into Pepsi? People like performing oral sex, you don’t see Pepsi trying to turn that into a flavor, do you?
…Oh, well that’s just unfortunate. Well, Pepsi decided that even in Japan you can’t pretend that you bottled seamen, so they laughingly played Pepsi White off as a limited edition flavor with “yogurt” flavor. Because we can think of no better way to ensure that no one ever makes a spunk joke about your product than making a cloudy white product, putting it in a phallic bottle, and unleashing it on the population that invented bukkake. There is literally no way you can describe how Pepsi White tastes without causing spontaneous giggling from teenagers and AFFotD writers. Just choosing some lines from the actual taste test of this product linked up above, we have…
“It tastes kind of soapy.” (…Not…not gonna laugh…)
“I really can’t get over the smell.” (…oh God, oh God…)
“I can’t imagine drinking it in a large volume.” (…………………….)
“Not bad, but I don’t think I’d want it again. And I immediately had two Tic-Tacs afterward to cleanse my palate.” (BAHHHAHAHAHA Oh God, you can’t be serious, this can’t be real life, oh sweet Jesus).
Why do most people love Pepsi? Why, that sweet flavor of course. But Japan took one look us and said, “Fuck you,” because Japan likes their Pepsi the way they like their women. Bitter. With half the sweetness of regular Pepsi, but…oh, yeah, still all the sugars and calories. Wait, seriously? Again, Japan seems to forget that Pepsi is something that’s supposed to taste…like pop. This is a sugar product, so why are you trying to take away the sugar flavor of it…while keeping the sugar? At this point we wouldn’t be surprised if they started trying to turn Pepsi into, like, strawberry milk.
Okay, that’s the last goddamn time we tempt the fates by suggesting something awful for Pepsi to emulate. There are a lot of possibilities to what you could imagine Pepsi Pink would taste like. Pink lemonade, maybe? Uh, Pepto-Bismol? Unsalted watermelon? Please?
Nope, fuck you all, it’s strawberry milk flavored Pepsi. We don’t know what we did to anger Japan so much, but we’re sorry, we didn’t think you’d come back at us with this, this monstrosity. We’re so sorry please just stop ruining Pepsi! Please! Listen, we get it, someone somewhere with a Sodastream has tried to carbonate strawberry milk just out of morbid curiosity. But that person is a sad lonely person with no friends, not a multinational corporation trying to help Japan reach rock bottom of the culinary world.
There’s nothing you can do to stop this, America. It already exists, and has been unleashed upon this world. All we can do is hold our ground and hope it never comes across the sea to pollute our shores, like many an irradiated Japanese fishing boat or Matthew Broderick-seeking Godzilla.