AFFotD Brand America Candles: Now (Mostly) Kerosene Free!

“What smells like burning cat hair?  Wait, where did this candle come from?  OH GOD WHERE’S MITTENS!?”

~That neighbor who keeps telling you “not to pile your empty liquor bottles in the hallway”

We at AFFotD are not above making a quick buck or two.  Listen, if the economy was run on whiskey and pork bellies like the good old days, we’d be fine.  But apparently freshly slaughtered pig meat in a burlap sack dripping blood won’t pay the rent.  Seriously, we tried and now we’re not allowed within a hundred feet of our landlord’s house.

Anyway, this quest for “money” has taken us to many strange places (mainly, Cuban organ harvesting compounds) but most recent (and, surprisingly, most legal) one being our foray into candle making.  Now, our knowledge of candles pretty much mirrors our knowledge of France. We don’t know much about them, but what we do know makes us what to set them on fire.

Well, our first candles didn’t sell as well as we wanted, but because this is America, we figured, why not take a concept that didn’t work the first time around, and just try it again with slightly less effort?

So fuck it.  Buy our candles.  They’re made of wax and shit.

AFFotD Brand America Candles:  Now (Mostly) Kerosene Free!

 

AFFotD Candles, like every project that AFFotD staffers have put their hangovers to, is half-assed but 100% American.  These are candle scents that take you straight to the top of the Lincoln Monument sitting on the Washington Monument while High-Fiving the Statue of Liberty.  Also there’s, just, a whole mess of peyote in there.  These things are just lousy with peyote.

And now they’re for sale in the following American odors!

If you’re like most Americans, you like the smell of motor oil, rapist-getting-shot-in-the-dick, and futuristic dystopia  to cover up the smell of all the weed in your dorm.  Thankfully, we’ll save you the trouble of getting a job as a mechanic in Detroit, and we present you with AFFotD’s Robocop Candle to honor our favorite movie with the dad from That 70’s Show as the villain (Dead Poets Society is a close second).  Just one whiff of our Robocop candle and you’ll be calling people “Creep” in no time, while saying “I’d buy that for a dollar” just, like, all the time.  We don’t want to promote violence or anything, but we think you should be legally allowed to shoot someone right in the dick if you walk into their apartment and they don’t have a Robocop Candle.  There, we said it.  And we’re not taking it back.

“AGHHHHH OH GOD WHY WASN’T THIS FRY MACHINE BOLTED TO THE GROUND!?” are the sounds of one of the more American injuries one can sustain at a minimum wage job.  And for any American who has witnessed this admittedly horrific injury, you all recall the moment where the darkest parts of your soul whispered in your ear that, “Hey…this smells kind of delicious…”

We’re not saying you want to eat human flesh, we’re just saying you can appreciate the scent emitted when someone has a life-long debilitating injury so long as it’s caused by something American, unhealthy, and decision.  People smell like pork, basically, is what we’re saying.  Mmm…macon.

What goes in a firework?  We don’t know, if it explodes we’re happy!  Who among us hasn’t taken a Folgers coffee can and filled it with gunpowder, food coloring, and court summons just to see what happened?  There’s a good reason why America has the lowest number of fingers per capita of any nation that’s not covered in landmines.

Homemade Fireworks capture the odor of everything America loves.  Gunpowder.  Fire.  High proof alcohol.  The neighbor’s cat.  Breath in deep.  That’s freedom.

We’ve been really excited about booze and food lately, and for good reason.  Without booze and food, we’d have no way to fill up the deep void in our hearts ever since every staff member was left by their significant other after our Memorial Day party, which is colloquially referred to as “The Day Everybody Got Drunk And Had An Orgy And Someone Filmed It And Sent It To Everyone’s Significant Others.”  But despite our American love of hot pockets, whiskey, and crying, we often forget one of our most important mottos.

Fuck nature.

Thankfully, we’re all so deeply familiar with the smell of a forest fire we started that we had no problem replicating that mix of smoke, embers, and of course, satisfaction at the massive double middle finger salute you’re giving to Mother Gaia.

So seriously folks, buy our candles, we think it’s just a matter of time before the Starbucks manager asks us all to buy something if we’re going to sit there all day leaching off their wireless.

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