“I like my candles like I like my women. On fire.”
~Jesus Christ, that took a fuckin’ TURN
Ever since America karate chopped darkness with the invention of the light bulb, candles have been relegated from “essential light source/ occasional house fire starter” to “novelty scented items to help get you laid, or to mask the odor of particularly skunky weed.” Usually they try to make your room smell like lavender or lilac or whatever the fuck purple is supposed to smell like. To say that most candles cater to the specific demographic of “women, and the men who are trying to sleep with them” would be like saying that bullets are primarily marketed towards gun owners.
But lately, entrepreneurs have tried to capitalize on an untapped market of American men who want their rooms to smell like various manly, American things. That’s why you get to see a 13-year-old selling candles that smell like bacon, new mitt, and grandpa’s pipe, or Yankee Candle releasing candles that smell like “First Down” and “2×4.”
America Fun Fact of the Day salutes these ventures, and just like the American inventor of the aforementioned light bulb, we see it as our divine duty to take this idea that other people have worked tirelessly on, tweak it a little, and declare it our own. So here goes our latest business venture.
For Sale: AFFotD Brand American Scented Candles
While we might not be the best experts of what goes in a candle (we pretty much mixed wax and gasoline and crossed our fingers) we do know what America wants to smell like. And we also have been told that apparently you’re not allowed to work in an office space without paying rent, so we need to raise some scratch so we can hire a hitman to take out our landlord. Erm, we mean, pay rent before we get evicted?
As a result, we got our science department to make candles that, for just a meager hundred dollars each, can replace the smell of hot pockets in your studio apartment with the blessed aromas of America, with the following inaugural odors of the AFFotD Candle series.
90% of all mustaches in America are direct descendants of Teddy Roosevelt, which is fairly remarkable given that he only saw fit to bless this world with six super-spawn. Most hardened Americans also know that Teddy Roosevelt once got shot in the chest while giving a speech, and didn’t go to the hospital until he delivered the remainder of his goddamned speech. Well, we’ve taken that American combination of bloodied manuscripts, hot lead, and grizzly bear pheromones to create a candle so American that you can get legally intoxicated from its fumes.
This is a candle for the American who occasionally gets drunk and shoots his sofa to see if bear skin leather stops bullets any better than bear skin that’s attached to a still-living, charging bear. If a vegetarian ever tried to light one of these in their house, pig entrails would magically appear at their feet, and the room that they would inevitably flee to would suddenly be filled with mustard gas. The candle is invisible to vegans, and if one ever accidentally brushed up against it, they’d immediately turn into a dairy cow. Owning this candle serves as a legally binding DNR agreement, and every time someone is admitted to the nearest hospital with a gunshot wound, the smoke spells out the phrase, “Looks like someone needs to stop being such a fucking pussy.” This is the best goddamn candle. The best.
We were planning on making a bourbon scented candle, because, you know, America, until we realized that bourbon on its own is not American enough for this series of candles. What could be more American than bourbon? That’s right, the mattress that you drink your bourbon on. You know you’ve had those nights where you’re 10 highballs deep and have drunkenly spilled three fingers of forget-me-juice on your mattress. Sure you might desperately try to suck up what liquor remains before it fully seeps in, but deep down you know that your sweet, sweet brown is just the latest sacrifice to the liquor gods that allow you to dreamlessly sleep each night.
That mix of booze, desperation, and regret is the perfect American smell. Because it is a true fact that no American knows how to clean a mattress. They don’t fit in washing machines, and it’s not like you can carry the fucker to your dry cleaners. When your mattress gets stained, it stays stained. By our calculation, the average mattress in America is 60% coils or memory foam, 13% whiskey and…well you don’t want to know what’s in the rest.
For the enterprising American who loves dueling, but hates nature, this candle exudes the delectable scent of dueling pistol gunpowder, the scorched flesh of an endangered animal, and the tears of conservationists. Why did we specifically choose to make the candle smell like Andrew Jackson had just shot a panda? Because fuck pandas. Pandas aren’t American, they’re Chinese, and even worse, when you transplant them to America, they’re so un-American that when you lock one of each gender together in a cage while hundreds of people in lab coats watch and take notes, they won’t even have sex. Pandas are the worst.
As a special incentive, each “Andrew Jackson, Shootin’ Pandas” candle you buy comes with a certificate confirming that AFFotD staffers burned down an acre of rainforest in your honor before salting the soil so nothing can ever grow there again. Because we care.
Vegetarians are a lot like snakes. We hate snakes. In fact, our disdain of vegetarians is so potent, every time someone tells us that they don’t eat meat, we grind up hot dogs and sneak it into their meals. We don’t even tell them we did it, which in a weird way almost makes it worse. We’ve distilled that experience for you in this candle that is scented with mechanically separated meat, hilariously non-diagnosable stomach ailments, and a strong whiff of accidental compromising of one’s morals. When you light this candle, every vegetable in your kitchen turns into fried pork rinds, and each fresh vegetable instantly ferments. And of course, if you light it near a vegetarian, ground up hot dogs will be put into their meal while they’re not looking.
The hot dogs will be poisoned, though.
That just leaves one candle scent left in our inaugural series. Because this is America, we’ve saved our surefire best-seller for last.
Yup. These are going to sell like hotcakes. Delicious, American hotcakes.