Tag Archives: America

The Worst Sports Fan Apparel Ever Made

“I just wanted to root for the Cubs, why do we have to bring death into this?”

~Normal Baseball Fans

cubs shirt

Look at that right there. That, friends, is a bad idea for a sports shirt. It’s not for sale anymore since, you know, the Cubs won one before many (not all ☹) people died. But as sports apparel, it’s shockingly bad. It’s awkward, it’s weird, and it makes everyone involved uncomfortable. And it’s hardly unique among athletic paraphernalia. There are a shocking amount of shirts, jerseys, and, well, miscellaneous items out there for sale that are intended to show your mettle as a true “super fan” that back fire in truly spectacular ways. Here are some of those items.

The Worst Sports Fan Apparel Ever Made

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10 Ridiculous Items Built By Car Companies (That Aren’t Cars)

“Sure, we make cars, but you know what we don’t make?  Not cars.”

~Car Companies, apparently?

fast car

It’s no real secret that car companies don’t just use their vast infrastructure and manufacturing facilities to sell cars.  Nissan makes boat engines, Toyota makes luxury yachts, and Hummer makes you look like a douche.  But some items that car makers manufacture are, let’s say, surprising.  So surprising, in fact, that we had no idea they existed until it was brought to our attention by loyal reader Mark from Foosball Zone.  He did the bulk of the research for this article, which we then scrapped and re-wrote ourselves, because we’re kind of jerks like that.  But seriously, hit up his site and give him some love, and thanks Mark for working with us on this as our primary researcher.

Oh, what’s that?  You want to know what the article is going to be about?  Okay, fair, we got a bit ahead of ourselves with our legal disclaimer of how we stole an article but like, didn’t steal steal an article, but here you go.

10 Ridiculous Items Built By Car Companies (That Aren’t Cars)

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Chang and Eng Bunker Were America’s Original Siamese Twins

“But how did they…you know…”

Trust Us, We’ve Been Wondering the Same Thing, All We’ve Got Are Theories at This Point

chang and eng

We as a species have been making humans for long enough that we’ve mostly got the kinks worked out. Two people get sweaty together, nine months later a new person comes out, and typically that person has a set number of fingers, toes and, like, bones.  Listen we’re not biologists or whatever, but you get the point.  However, sometimes that whole process doesn’t exactly work out as intended, which is what happened to Chang and Eng Bunker, two Thai-Americans born in the early 19th century.  Specifically, their number of fingers, toes and, like, bones…well, sort of doubled. Yes, as you’ve probably figured out from the picture just above this inelegant paragraph, Chang and Eng Bunker were conjoined twins.  Actually, they’re kind of the reason why conjoined twins are called Siamese twins, and will be about 75% of the time no matter how angry you get about it online. Despite being born in a time and place with the odds stacked against them in the most impressive way possible, they actually ended up living a full and American life.  They pretty much represented the American Dream (okay but with more slave owning, *cringe*).

Here’s their story.

Chang and Eng Bunker Were America’s Original Siamese Twins

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The Five Most Ridiculous Beverages That Come in Kegs

“Update: for the right price u can put anything in a keg”

~Actual Yahoo Answers User

keg

Everyone loves kegs because they represent, essentially, unlimited beer.  Do you know how much beer you can get from a single keg?  If you go with a half barrel, you’ve got yourself 165 bottles of beer.  That’s so much beer for just a few people—let’s be honest, most of the time you get one of those suckers for a party, unless it’s a barnburner, you’re not going to use the whole keg (challenge accepted).

But at least drinking an entire keg of beer seems doable.  Sure, you have to deal with a shitload of beer, but you can handle that. It’s beer.  Beer can be drunk, lots of it, in a short period of time.  But did you know that we put other things in kegs?  Other…strange things?  Well we do.  Not all of them were particularly thought through, though.

The Five Most Ridiculous Beverages That Come in Kegs

plants in keg

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America’s Drunkest Presidents: Franklin Pierce

“There is nothing left but to get drunk.”

~Franklin Pierce, Remarking on the End of His Presidency (no, seriously, he actually said that)

 franklin pierce

We’ve written three articles about America’s Drunkest Presidents, and this is the first time where we’re truly wandering into uncomfortable territory, since we’re about to tell you about a guy who totally died of liver disease due to his drinking. But our 14th President, Franklin Pierce, spent all 64 years of his life getting absolutely wrecked, and that definitely makes him one of our Drunkest Presidents, so let’s just not dwell on the human tragedy involved, and talk about booze.  Cool?  Okay, cool.

America’s Drunkest Presidents: Franklin Pierce

pierce again

Why does he look exactly like Gary Oldman in The Fifth Element in this picture?

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8 of the Most Ridiculous Items for Sale on Goop.com

“Okay, we need a joke for the header about Goop.  Like, something like, what does Goop rhyme with?  Oh, got it!  Goop?  More like….. STOOPid.  More like stupid.  Perfect, put it in the article, I’m so drunk right now.”

~AFFotD

goop

America, let’s talk about Goop.  Like, you all know what it is—the lifestyle brand run by Gwyneth Paltrow that’s kind of extra?  We’ve not really covered it here (in fact we’ve not once talked about it in the seven and a half years of this website’s existence) because, well, it’s a bit much, isn’t it?  The name, the snake oil salesman tactics, the prices, oh God, the prices.   It’s all just so very extra.

But hey, for better or for worse, Goop is a part of American culture.  Granted, it’s a very specific type of independently wealthy coastal woman in her 30’s culture, but a culture nonetheless.  So we’ll give Goop it’s due in the only way we can think of.

8 of the Most Ridiculous Items for Sale on Goop.com

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AFFotD’s Official 2017 Christmas Gift Guide

“Merry Christmas, here’s an iTunes gift card that still has like seven bucks left on it, and a bunch of scratch off tickets. By the way, if any of those lotto numbers hit, I get 50% of the winnings, that’s the law.”

~Your Stepdad

christmas

We were about to post an article about drunk presidents because, you know, that’s how we do, when we had the sudden realization that Christmas is only five days away. And like many of you reading this who love America but also whiskey but also maybe whiskey just a bit too much, this might come as shocking news, as you have not started your Christmas shopping yet. It’s okay, you’re not alone, but if you’re going to be lazy about when you go out to get gifts, you probably can’t get away with being lazy and just buying a bunch of gift cards.

That is why we’ve decided to bring up a few of the more popular gifts being given this Christmas to let you know if it’s a viable gift for that special person in your life.  Consider this our Christmas gift to you.  Because, um, otherwise, we didn’t get you anything yet.  We kind of waited till the last minute, and assumed this would be enough?

AFFotD’s Official 2017 Christmas Gift Guide

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Aritcley McArticleface: An Incomplete List of Things Named Blanky McBlankface

“Haha McJokeyface, amiright?”

~Like, The Worst Stand-Up Comic

boaty mcboatface

Pretty much the whole world remembers the time in 2016 that the British government got the brilliant notion to crowdsource the internet to name their new $287 million polar research ship, and the internet, being the internet, overwhelmingly went with “Boaty McBoatface.”  It was a silly, goofy, harmless little internet prank that has since spiraled a bit out of control, since now everything that exists in the world falls into two camps—things named “Something McSomethingface” and things that people overwhelmingly voted to be named “Something McSomethingface” before the powers that be stepped in and said, “No we’re not doing that, that’s stupid.”

Our official stance on this phenomenon is, sure it’s getting kind of old, but it’s funny and stupid, and we thrive on funny and stupid, so we’re all for it.  In fact, as our service to the internet, we’re going to look for anything we can find that has some sort of Blanky McBlankface name, and put it here in one continuously edited article, so you too can see how much free time our staff has on their hands.  And yes, we will be maintaining this—if at any point we come across a new vehicle or animal or thing that actually got named some version of Boaty McBoatface, we will add it here.  And if you, our loyal readers, find something, feel free to leave it in the comments, or email it to us at americafunfact@gmail.com.

Now, before we begin, a few ground rules.   No, we won’t include items that won a fan vote but weren’t ever used, like that time people tried to name a school Schoolie McSchoolface.  And we won’t be listing dumb pranks like SoccerCity SD purposefully having people vote to name their MLS team Footy McFooty Face.  And we definitely will try to avoid posting fake news names, like the story that never actually happened about the Chinese Gorilla named Harambe McHarambeface.  Will some fake ones make this list accidentally?  Eh, probably, we’ll do our best to minimize that but it’s not exactly going to cause us to lose sleep at night.  And finally, we won’t be including people’s Twitter handles or fake Facebook profiles, even if that means that we have to unfortunately leave the guy with the screenname “Racist McShootFace” who bid $65 million for George Zimmerman’s gun off our list.

But otherwise, anything goes, including pets, drawings, and a whole bunch of stuff that we will be pissed off for agreeing to chronicle two years down the line.

Aritcley McArticleface: An Incomplete List of Things Named Blanky McBlankface

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The Five Sketchiest Energy Drinks You Can Actually Buy

“HOW IS THIS LEGAL I CAN’T FEEL MY FINGERS.”

~Off-Market Energy Drink Customers

steven segal energy drink

For decades, centuries really, we have relied on coffee to wake us up in the morning and keep us going into the night.  Well, sure, there’s cocaine if you really wanna party, but as far as boosts of caffeine would go, we pretty much had coffee and, to a lesser extent tea.  If you didn’t like how that tasted, that was fine, you could fill it to the brim with all the sugar and cream your overworked heart could take.  Sure, you had your Cokes and Pepsis, or even your Mountain Dews if you’re a gamer, but for many years we didn’t really have a lot of ways to completely lose your mind on dangerous amounts of caffeine until the 90’s and 00’s brought us Energy Drinks.  Red Bull, 5 Hour Energy, Rockstar, all of these companies sprung up to create a beverage that answered the question, “What if I wanted like, 6 cups of coffee, but I also hate the flavor of coffee, and would like to mix it with vodka.”

Now, granted, in most cases, energy drinks actually have less caffeine than coffee, but they also have a whole bunch of other stuff like taurine which, because it rhymes with caffeine, we just roll with the claim of “oh it’s like, super caffeine” and move on with our lives.  And at the end of the day, energy drinks feel appropriate to have during a night out, while coffee still feels like something you drink at work.  Also, again, you can mix it with vodka so, you know, that at least to us explains their popularity.

And Energy drinks are big business.  Red Bull makes over $4 billion a year, and even Amp, the energy drink you have only seen in rural town gas stations, brings in hundreds of millions in sales.  And while you might think that all Energy Drinks are just caffeine delivery systems that taste like stale smarties candies, we’d actually have to disagree.  There are some energy drinks that are so much worse.  As in, baffling they exist.  As in, probably glow in the dark?

Let’s talk about some of the sketchiest energy drinks on the market today.  Yes, you can buy these.  But you shouldn’t, unless you want to grow a third eye or something.

The Five Sketchiest Energy Drinks You Can Actually Buy

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Victoria Woodhull, the First-Ever Woman Presidential Nominee, Was Kind of Badass

“Sure, this thing says I can’t vote, but where does it say I can’t just be president, then, huh?”

~Victoria Woodhull

victora woodhall

There are two kinds of historical figures in America; the ones we learn about at an early age in school, and the equally badass ones who just sort of linger in obscurity for a while until someone decides to write a movie about them.  The latest figure in that latter category, based on the fact that Brie Larson is signed on to play her in a currently under-development movie from Amazon Studios, is Victoria Woodhull, the first woman to run for president of the United States of America.  Oh, no, she didn’t come close to winning, obviously, but she still stands as an impressive, and pretty quirky, American hero that might as well be saluted in these hallowed, beer-splattered halls.  So here we go.

Victoria Woodhull, the First-Ever Woman Presidential Nominee, Was Kind of Badass

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