“Oh…oh no. It’s another Russia-bordering country. This is going to be so sad.”
~AFFotD’s Resident Food Critic
We know America does food better than any other country, primarily because when other countries make good things, we just steal it ourselves and make it bigger and better. We didn’t invent pizza, but have you had pizza in Italy? Our staff has. It’s, like, fine. America does it much better, with a few notable exceptions. Now, there are other countries that have great food as well (Italy’s still got us beat in the pasta game , for example). And there are countries that have bad food. But we don’t care about any of those countries. No, we take interest in countries whose food is not just generally bad, but wholeheartedly depressing in ways that cling to your soul. We don’t know what caused our fascination with nations whose recipe books come pre-streaked with tears, but we’re not going to stop now. Our latest nation with food that makes us so, so sad? The small Russia-adjacent nation of Estonia. Strap in, this is going to be a doozy.
The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Estonia
“What, you mean you DON’T race drunk on champagne in cars on fire anymore?”
The Indianapolis 500, a Triple Crown of Motorsport race, stands as one of America’s oldest and most prestigious opportunities for people to drive cars really fast in a circle for a few hours. As dangerous as braving breakneck speeds for the chance at a large payday can be for drivers, when the race was first run in 1911, early car technology made it an even crazier proposition. Automobiles were relatively new in the early 20th century, and things like “seatbelts” or “anything to give off the semblance of safety” were laughably foreign concepts.
For the first two years of its existence, the Indianapolis 500 was only driven by Americans, and won by Americans, which we here at American Fun Fact of the Day generally approve of. But we’re here to talk about the 1913 Indy 500, because even though it was won by a French person (booo) it featured fires, booze, and broken limbs, which pretty much describes our typical Staff holiday party. So strap in (because the drivers of this race couldn’t) and open a bottle of champagne (which the drivers of this race could) and get ready to take in some American history.
The 1913 Indianapolis 500 (Was Drunk and on Fire)
“You Don’t Just Eat ‘Em”
~Wait, That’s The New Pringles Motto? That Sucks
Pringles are the ultimate embodiment of America’s commitment to unhealthy but delicious food. They were invented by Procter & Gamble in an attempt to create a “perfect chip” that was not greasy and wouldn’t break or go stale. They also wanted to get rid of the issue of air in potato chip bags, which honestly doesn’t seem to be that big of an issue, but whatever. It took over ten years to do this before finally being developed by a chemist from 1956 to 1958 (yes it took him alone two years to get it down). It had one slight slight design flaw, however. It tasted horrible. Another P&G researcher had to come in to find a way how to improve the taste, while a mechanical engineer who also was a well-known science fiction and fantasy novel writer, designed the machine to cook them. All in all, the Pringle as we know it was eventually released in 1967, and managed to get national distribution in 1975. While all that sounds like the fever dream ramblings of a bedridden retired R&D worker, it’s actually the 100% true story about how we got Pringles, a delicious potato chip that comes in a container you can get your hand stuck in.
And while just about everything about the Pringle completely justifies this drawn out process to give you a potato chip that you can use to make duck lips, as we’ve seen with many other esteemed American products, sometimes we get a little too cute with flavors, and end up with nightmares. Here are the worst flavors of Pringles that have been sold in the United States.
The Worst Pringles Flavors in American History
“Hahaha, the late 80s and early 90s were a MESS.”
Everyone loved the 1989 music video for Opposites Attract when it came out, even though it has aged about as gracefully as Laura Flynn Boyle. For those of you too young to remember the music video’s popularity (or those of you too wired on cocaine to remember those years), it was a duet between Paula Abdul and a cartoon cat named “MC Skat Kat” voiced by “The Wild Pair.” As with most things that happened between 1988 and 1992, we have to go out of our way to confirm that, yes, this was a thing that actually happened, and no, we’re not making this up. Our staff has long since drunk away any semblance of creativity, so trust us, making up something this comically stupid is beyond us.
The song shot up to #1 on the charts, and because music executives are as [redacted] as they are [redacted again, seriously they’ve threatened to sue us if we publish this analogy] they decided they were going to cash in (or should we say kash in) on the popularity of this groovy hip hop kat who raps about staying out and partying by giving him his own album.
So in 1991, the same year that N.W.A. disbanded, the album The Adventures of MC Skat Kat and the Stray Mob was released on Virgin Records. It was produced by Paula Abdul, had a comically “this is how the young kids talk nowadays right?” press release attached to it, and it is awful.
Let’s talk about it.
The History of The Adventures of MC Skat Kat and the Stray Mob
“The fact that we go to such lengths to deliver pizza should really make you pissed off that the nearest location to you doesn’t do delivery.”
~Pizza Hut Marketing Execs
Pizza Hut is that pizza chain that you really like, think is really overrated, or have never gotten because half of their locations don’t do delivery and actually sitting down inside a Pizza Hut to eat their pizza kind of feels like giving up on life. We’ve talked about it in these hallowed halls, usually in reference to the weird shit they do overseas (or, frankly, within our borders).
But no matter your opinion on how they do pizza, one thing we can all agree on is that they do marketing with…let’s say, a lot of spunk. They work hard to peddle their stuffed crusts and cheesy breads and…wings, we guess. Who actually orders wings from Pizza Hut? We digress. The point being, Pizza Hut loves their publicity stunts. Especially when it comes to finding wacky, crazy ways to delivery you pizza, Pizza Hut is in a class of their own. We’re not sure if that’s a good thing.
Pizza Hut’s 7 Most Insane Delivery Stunts Ever
“A sumally what? Oh you mean a wine guy?”
~American Fine Restaurant Diners
French people are only good at two things—being snobby, and making wine. They’re also good at being made fun of by Americans, but that’s really us being good at something than anything else. Sure, the French didn’t invent wine, but you can argue they invented fine wine, which is why even the staunchest of Americans allow themselves to order wine by using French terms such as “Pinot Noir” and “Cabernet Sauvignon” and “Franzia with some ice cubes, please.” They even created a profession that consists of knowing every kind of wine and telling people what kind of food goes well with what kind of wine. You might call such a person “a wine guy” or “look at this smug Frenchie fuck” but they are actually called sommeliers, and the process of becoming one is surprisingly exhaustive and difficult as far as “jobs about booze” go.
Sommeliers are experts in all things about wine, including food pairings, service, and descriptions. A sommelier might find themselves in charge of developing wine lists, training staff, and pretty much anything that a restaurant might need done to or with their wine, and becoming one takes months of training and thousands of dollars spent on mandatory classes and tests. It is only for the most dedicated wine aficionados.
Or at least it was. Because apparently, people have gone ahead and become sommeliers for…well, some pretty stupid shit. Here are some sommeliers who are absolutely ridicuolous.
The Dumbest Types of Sommeliers That Actually Exist
Posted in Alcohol, Giver of Life, America Fun Fact of the Day, Strange Foods
Tagged America, Coffee, Heatonist, Hot Sauce, Martin Riese, olive oil, Pop, Soda, soft drinks, Sommelier, vodka, Water, Water Sommelier, Wine
“Wait, without Budweiser, that means I’ll have to drink a better beer, which is literally any other beer.”
~America in 1976
Even when we’re screeching harpies hating on everything you love (which, apparently, solely consists of fucking ALDI, you goddamn lunatics of the internet) we are at least aware of the hatred we’re spewing. For example—many Americans like Budweiser. Like, they buy it, and drink it, and describe the flavor as something better than “remember that kid who would always sit alone and chew grass during recess? We’re pretty sure he’s now the brewmaster for Anheuser-Busch” and that’s fine. Let your freak flag fly, enjoy getting full before getting drunk and, we don’t know, unironically wearing trucker hats, it’s your life and do what makes you happy. We’re putting that out there because, invariably, every time we talk about Budweiser (which fucking sucks) an army of mouth breathers flock to the comments section to respond to our (correct) point (that Budweiser is trash). They say things like “Hey! Asshole! I like Budweiser!” (literally the only valid argument you have) or “Listen Mr. Fancy Beers, go back to your IPAs and your porters or whatever” (which inevitably is brought up in the articles where we never once mention IPAs or porters).
So, we know two things here. First of all, we know that we have a fun fact that most of you are unaware of. And secondly, we know that many of you will be absolutely fucking livid at the tone we take to tell you about it (that tone being “Budweiser is like if someone drank gutter water and thought ‘if only this could get me a slight buzz’”) (which is the correct tone). And we say bring it on. Budweiser is trash, no one should drink it, and for a brief moment in 1976, a group of Teamsters actually managed to make that happen. This is their story.
Unsung Heroes: The Budweiser Beer Strike of 1976
The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is a time-honored American pastime. On the fourth Thursday of each November since 1924, crowds line up in New York to celebrate the holiday season. Of course, one of the most famous aspects of this parade comes from their iconic balloon floats, which is what the photo you’ve been screaming at above is about.
That’s right, while the Macy’s Parade is known for its oversized balloons of famous and beloved figures from our culture (also Garfield is there) it wasn’t always the wistful display you’re used to. In fact…
The Macy’s Day Parade Used To Be Downright Terrifying
“Let me write an article or I’ll kill your family.”
~Cal Van Buren
It’s widely believed that in order to become a writer for America Fun Fact of the Day, you must first survive the whiskey challenge (drink a bunch of whiskey), then the hot dog challenge (eat a bunch of hot dogs), then the murder someone without asking questions challenge (RIP Dan Bilzerian
And that’s pretty much true. But our latest writer to pass that test is our newest editor, Cal Van Buren, who decided to tell you about the House of David. We’ll let Cal take it from here as he tells you about the crazy religious communes, baseball, and hair hair HAIR. Enjoy.
The House of David: The Religious Commune That Took Baseball By Storm
“We will let you choose what gives you your next heart attack.”
~The Western Michigan Whitecaps’ Food Director
We’ve talked about Minor League Baseball before—specifically, how the menus at Minor League Baseball stadiums tend to be what you might call “eccentric” if you weren’t allowed to use the term “batshit fucking insane what, really, WHAT!?” among polite company. It makes sense—there’s not necessarily a lot of star power in most minor league games, so owners try to bring in fans with fun gimmicks, which can include wrapping a cheese filled bratwurst with sausage, then bacon, and frying the fucker. That wasn’t just us making up some random over the top example, that fucking exists.
Which brings us to the Western Michigan Whitecaps, a Single-A affiliate of the Detroit Tigers who play, and stay with us because this is confusing, at the Fifth Third Ballpark in the Grand Rapids suburb of Comstock Park. Yes, we know, our heads hurt too. Anyway, they take the tradition of “let’s serve crazy shit to fans” to the next level, and since 2009 they have provided fans with a series of food options that they can vote for, with the winner being sold in the stadium for the next season.
Now if you plan on voting, you can do so here, but you don’t want to make this decision uninformed. So we’re going to go through each potential menu item, giving you a systematic breakdown of each insane item, before telling you what the best option is. Ready? Here we go!
Ranking the Ridiculous Food Items That Might Be Added to the 2017 Menu of the West Michigan Whitecaps Class A Baseball Team
Posted in All things baseball, America Fun Fact of the Day, Athletes, Strange America, Strange Foods
Tagged America, Baseball, Corn Dog, dessert fries, Food, Minor League Baseball, Onion Rings, poutine, Strange Food, sundae, West Michigan Whitecaps