Tag Archives: America

Victoria Woodhull, the First-Ever Woman Presidential Nominee, Was Kind of Badass

“Sure, this thing says I can’t vote, but where does it say I can’t just be president, then, huh?”

~Victoria Woodhull

victora woodhall

There are two kinds of historical figures in America; the ones we learn about at an early age in school, and the equally badass ones who just sort of linger in obscurity for a while until someone decides to write a movie about them.  The latest figure in that latter category, based on the fact that Brie Larson is signed on to play her in a currently under-development movie from Amazon Studios, is Victoria Woodhull, the first woman to run for president of the United States of America.  Oh, no, she didn’t come close to winning, obviously, but she still stands as an impressive, and pretty quirky, American hero that might as well be saluted in these hallowed, beer-splattered halls.  So here we go.

Victoria Woodhull, the First-Ever Woman Presidential Nominee, Was Kind of Badass

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The Most Popular Baby Names For American Boys in 2017 (Are So, So Stupid)

“Wait…there were more babies named Paxton than Edward this year? That…that seems…what?”

~AFFotD Staffers Trying to Make Sense of 2017’s Most Popular Baby Names

ridiculous names

Nothing makes you sound like a cranky old-timer more than complaining about the ridiculous names parents are giving their kids nowadays, so here’s an article where we complain about the ridiculous names parents are giving their kids nowadays.  Now, most of our staffers are Millennials, so we can understand the desire to be “unique” when giving a permanent moniker for a living human being, but really, we need to cut this shit out.  American names are becoming embarrassing.

So we decided to go through a list of the most popular baby names for boys in America in 2017 as of this writing (November, 2017) as listed by babycenter.com.  Now, it seems like we don’t have exact numbers on the most popular names yet, since there are about a dozen baby sites that claim to have their own accurate ranking, but this ranking is close enough that we can drive home our conclusion—there are a lot of babies out there with stupid-as-shit names.  Stop doing this, parents!  America is going to spend their grade school years in so many headlocks.

But anyway, here is a list of names that are currently more popular in America than good, normal, American names.  May God have mercy on our souls.

The Most Popular Baby Names For American Boys in 2017 (Are So, So Stupid)

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The Six Worst Presidential Haircuts of All Time

“Mirror?  What’s that?”

~These Six Presidents

presidential seal

We talk about presidents a lot on this website, which now that we say it out loud shouldn’t be all that surprising for a website called America Fun Fact of the Day.  We tend to judge our history through the wars we fight and the men who lead us, so naturally the only patriotic thing to do is to document that history with articles about the goofiest pictures of American presidents, or about how drunk they get.  Okay so maybe we’re not writing the most important articles about our past.  Or maybe we are.

We’re definitely not.  Here are the six American presidents who had the worst hairstyles of all time.  We regret nothing.

The Six Worst Presidential Haircuts of All Time

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Worst Sexy Costumes (With Hilarious Generic Names)

“I’d tell you what I’m dressed up as, but Disney’s got some powerful lawyers.”

~Women Wearing Sexy Character Costumes, Apparently

sexy game of thrones

“Many adult women wear sexy Halloween costumes” is the kind of hot take you’d expect to hear from a middling stand-up comic in 2002, and we’ve covered the topic in our oh-so-subtle way years back, but whatever, the “sexy costume” industry thrives during Halloween, even though realistically you end up seeing like, ten women wearing the costumes, tops, each year.  That said, each year, sites such as yandy.com come out with hundreds of costumes that mostly consist of “swimsuits with something drawn on it” or “like, let’s take a normal costume, and then cut away the midsection,” so there’s got to be a market for this kind of stuff.

Now, in the sexy costume industry, which we guess weirdly serves as a metaphor for America now that we think about it, the easiest way to make money is to profit on things that are already popular.  But in doing that, you often have to face that other great American export that is “bloodthirsty corporate lawyers,” which means that if you really want to sell a costume you may have to change your costume name so as to not get sued into bankruptcy.  So, while you might want to dress up as a “sexy Spock” (but, like, why?) you’ll probably need to look for something along the lines of a “sexy pointy-eared alien.”  You get the idea.  It’s dumb, but also kind of funny in a ridiculous way.

No, seriously, these names, we can’t get enough of them.  Here are some of the dumbest sexy costumes, and what they’re called.  We love Halloween so much.

Worst Sexy Costumes (With Hilarious Generic Names)

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America’s Most Absurd Themed Cruises

“Thousands of dollars to be trapped at sea on a potentially-stomach-virus-ridden boat filled with obnoxious strangers?  No thank y…wait what’s that about open bar and all-you-can-eat buffets?  I’m fucking in.”

~Cruise Liner Customers

cruise ship

We all have either been on a cruise ship, or know someone who has.  It’s one of those vacations that feels fancy, in terms of cost and luxury, while also feeling kind of middle class, because rich people have their own boats, so it’s the rest of us who have to save up all year for a week of getting shitfaced on the ocean.  The average cruise enthusiast, and yes there are people who only vacation on cruise ships, is like, a mildly overweight but overall healthy middle-aged couple from suburban Texas named Pam and Ron who laugh very loudly at every joke, immediately befriend people waiting in lines with them, and who have a shared Facebook profile.  Like, there is a very specific kind of person who is really into cruises, and we totally support that person, they’re fun to talk to and every year they go on a cruise and make like, 20 lifelong friends, and that’s great.  But, if you’re anything like us, you’d assume that the cruise market is like, big but not huge.  There can only be so much demand for being crammed in a windowless room on a boat for like, $4,000 a week.  Right?

Wrong.  The cruise industry is huge.  Like, holy shit, 20 million people go on cruises every year.  It’s a $38 billion dollar industry that employs over 300,000 Americans.  It’s big business, apparently!  Enough people have been going on cruises for so long that newcomers to the industry have to find a way to separate themselves from the rest of the pack, and find niche customers outside of the general “we like to go on cruises everywhere” crowd (hi Pam, hi Ron, yes we did see that post of your daughter graduating high school, congratulations).  And so theme cruises burst on the scene, and have been growing in popularity exponentially in recent years.

You know what we’re talking about.  It’s a cruise to somewhere exotic and warm, but with special events that are related on a basic theme.  That theme could be a singles cruise, it could be a Star Trek cruise (also known as a singles cruise), or it might just be a cruise ship where you get to party with Kid Rock.  And while you might have heard about a few of the sillier sounding ones, like the Gronk cruise, you’d be shocked to know the sheer amount of theme cruises available, with all sorts of weird themes. Like, did you know there are an insane amount of scrapbook cruises?  One scrapbook themed cruise should be enough to facilitate everyone in the middle of the Venn diagram of “likes cruises” and “is way into scrapbooking” but apparently not.  And these aren’t even the most absurd themed cruises out there.  We could show you all sorts of crazy ones.

Oh what’s that?  You’d like us to do that?  Oh, okay then, sure.

America’s Most Absurd Themed Cruises

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America’s Drunkest Presidents: Martin Van Buren

“If you’re asking if I’d rather be president or not get drunk I think you damn well know the answer to that.”

~Martin Van Buren

martin van buren

All presidents drink…well, okay, except for the last two Republican presidents we’ve had, which, like, that’s a really weird random thing, right?  Like, “the last two teetotaler presidents we’ve had were Donald Trump and George W. Bush, that’s a weird fact.”  But anyway, before we invite all the Pepes of the internet into our comments section, let’s just talk about how most presidents like to get drunk every now and then, and some of them are spectacular at it.  We’ve already told you about George Washington (just, top notch president, and impressive drinker) and James Buchanan (like, he was to the United States Presidency what a trenchcoat full of cottonmouth snakes would be to the Au Pair in America, but he was also a superhuman drinker.  Hmm maybe those two were related.)

But that brings us to our next drunk president, Martin Van Buren, who was… okay well, also a shitty president, but he was a shitty president that could drink, and apparently viewed personal grooming the way an “already drunk at 6 in the morning, or maybe still drunk from last night at 6 in the morning” kind of person would.  Seriously, look at that picture at the top of this article.  Like, dude, there are like three pictures of you in existence, you couldn’t find anyone who had a fucking comb?

But anyway, this is not the space for us to make fun of Martin Van Buren’s hairstyle (but look forward to our article “The 5 Presidents With The Worst Haircuts in American History” which, like, we actually have in the can) but rather to talk about his impressive ability to just, drink and get shitty.  And here we go!

America’s Drunkest Presidents:  Martin Van Buren

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America’s Worst Pumpkin Spice Latte-Flavored Products

“You can’t spell ‘basic’ without ‘PSL.’”

~Wait Actually You Can

psl candy

Pumpkin Spice Latte is a combination of words that usually can be seen in conjunction with phrases like, “Those damn Millennials” and, “Got no respect for their elders.”  We’re not going to talk about Pumpkin Spice Lattes being good, bad, or appearing on menus earlier and earlier each year because you’ve all read a dozen of mouth-breathing articles on that topic already.  Pumpkin Spice Lattes are, at the end of the day, one of those things that a lot of people get mad about when they really shouldn’t.  Like, some people like to drink coffee that has cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, cloves and allspice in it during the Fall, why…why should we care one way or the other?  Like, we’re seriously asking here, did your family get killed in a cinnamon farming accident, or are you just knee-jerk reacting to some trend that’s popular among people who are younger than you?

Anyway, the point being, we’re not here to shit on you if you enjoy yourself a nice PSL from time to time.  You do you.  But even if the days of the Pumpkin Spice Latte are waning, and the PSL will soon to join Uggs as retired totems of basicness, companies are still trying to wring each little ounce of profit out of the PSL craze, which, unfortunately, has given us a lot of pumpkin spice products that should never exist.

So while we support you and your right to a Pumpkin Spice Latte on a nice fall day, we do not support these products, which take pumpkin spice to terrifying, gross places.

America’s Worst Pumpkin Spice Latte-Flavored Products

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America’s Drunkest Presidents: James Buchanan

“Hangover?  I hardly even KNOW her!  Ha ha ha, oh, I’m an awful president.”

~James Buchanan  

 buchanan 1

The founding entry of our new segment entitled “America’s Drunkest Presidents” was about George Washington, our founding father.   We basically took one of our greatest presidents in history, and talked about how was also one of the greatest drinking president in history, because we are legally obligated to talk up George Washington and ignore some of that not-so-cooloh-shit-don’t-click-these-links stuff.  That said, he was an impressive drinker, which we’re super thankful for since the idea of a teetotaler as our badass founding General is too much for us to take.  However, even though it worked out that way the first time, this segment is not called “America’s Best Drunk Presidents.”  It is just “America’s Drunkest Presidents.”

We want to make that clarification before we go ahead and tell you about arguably the best drinking president we’ve ever had.  But as good as he was at drinking (and, you’ll see, he was super good at it) he was pretty much the polar opposite at presidenting (just, so bad, you guys.)

So let’s talk about James Buchanan, the very drunk, but no good, 17th president of the United States.

America’s Drunkest Presidents:  James Buchanan

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Discontinued McDonald’s Items We Desperately Want Back

“Ba-da-ba-ba-daaa, I’m missing it”

~McDonald’s Customers

mcdonalds

Back in August, we wrote about how while McDonald’s is a great American establishment, they’ve managed to commit some real crimes against food.   We even promised in that article that we would not write any articles about the best food items you can get at McDonald’s, partly because it’s less interesting than “discontinued awfulness” and also partly because our Editor-in-Chief’s favorite sandwich there is the Filet-o-Fish which automatically discredits any opinions he might have about the McDonald’s menu as it stands in 2017.

But while we were digging through the disgusting, horrible ideas of McDonald’s past (ugh, that pineapple hamburger haunts us) we also noticed that a lot of items that were briefly on the McDonald’s menu seemed actually pretty good.  Really good, even.  Like, “man, we wish that was still on the menu” good.  So we’re going to talk about those items, wistfully, and mourn their passing.  Because some of this stuff, man…

Discontinued McDonald’s Items We Desperately Want Back

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The Brief Existence of Franklin, America’s Craziest State

“Fine, if you won’t let us be a state, we’ll do our own thing.”

~Citizens of Franklin       

franklin map

Americans (ourselves absolutely included) are garbage at geography.  Our hypothesis for this is that we’ve had to learn the name and (relative) location of 50 states, and that’s just a lot of names and places to process.  America’s pretty big, you know.  People from other countries should learn to give us a break.  But this is not an article about geography (thank God), but rather, about how we very nearly had 51 states that we would have been forced to memorize in grade school.

This is the story of Franklin, the almost-14th state of the United States of America, who paid government officials in deer pelts.

The Brief Existence of Franklin, America’s Craziest State

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