Tag Archives: America

And Now… Our Staff of Millennials Make Fun of FaZe Clan in an Article That Will Make Us Look Very Old

“Haha holy shit, this is the lamest thing I’ve ever seen. How much money do they bring in? Hundreds of millions of dollars? Well fuck, I quit.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

faze

Right off the bat. A disclaimer. Our staff is comprised mostly of Millennials, who are increasingly becoming “the olds”, except for our editor-in-chief, the great-great grandson of Teddy Roosevelt who is actually legitimately old. Every week we have to tell him “no” in response to his demand we write about the best brands of prune juice. That is the only reason we have not written an article in two and a half months, and that’s canon.

Then we saw an article by our friends* at 1900HOTDOG about a recent Batman comic that teamed up with a very popular esports team, and is even worse than that sentence would lead you to believe, and that led us looking into said esports team’s roster, which led to us getting article drunk to write an article that is guaranteed to be either completely ignored or ANGRILY responded to by a lot of 23-year-olds alternating between aggressive slurs or slang we don’t understand in the comments section.

*we use “friends”for 1900HOTDOG as an aspirational term as they are more likely to dunk on our articles in savage fashion than actually become our friends, and we’d gladly welcome that

So here we are, a bunch of close-to-middle-age folks, getting ready to dunk on the youths. Based on our understanding of how Gen-Z responds to older generations in a way that will totally not bite them in the ass the way it did us, we’re sure the discourse here will be civil. Anyway.

Today We Learned About FaZe Clan, and Today We Wrote an Article Making Fun of Them

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Movies That Should Never Have Been Nominated for a Razzie

“Honestly, if you’ve never even once said the name Neil Breen out loud, your opinions on bad movies are null and void.”

~AFFotD’s Film Critic

razzie

In 1981, the first Golden Raspberry Award ceremony was held in the living room of John J. B. Wilson, a co-founder of the award who also has too many periods in his name. Initially an inside joke with his film industry friends, it has since gone on to gain notoriety as a sort of “anti-Oscar”, crowning the worst performances or achievements in Hollywood each year. 

It’s an antidote to the typical award-season sycophancy that happens at the start of each year, a way to punch up and call out the rich, famous and beautiful for their poor, lazy, or disinterested decisions. 

That can include a notorious shitposter and video game adapter like Uwe Boll, or Oscar winners like Halle Berry and Sandra Bullock (both of whom are among the few to give their own acceptance speeches). 

In 2022, the “punching upwards” to poke fun at the rich and famous that attracted many to the award increasingly feels like it’s merely punching parallel. The film industry is struggling, going to the theaters is still a potentially risky venture, and we’re starved for any and all content we can get right now. Talking about how “stupid” or “pointless” a movie that employeed literally hundreds of people during an economically unsure time seems a bit tone-deaf in this current cultural environment. 

What we’re trying to say is, maybe the Golden Rasberry Award, a.k.a. the Razzies, need to re-think how they direct their snark. Listen, we know, our whole thing is snark. We literally wrote over a thousand words trying to dunk on a shitty pizza chain that emailed us some swear words one time. We had friends that asked us why we would even bother! They were like, “So instead of ignoring the emails, you responded back to take screenshots and dunk on them? What is wrong with you!?” And we justified it, because making fun of these people is good content. They started it, anyway! Fuck em! Ah, it was a much simpler time. 

That said, the Razzies just listed their 2021 nominations, and we realized it showed the same short-sighted, and occasionally elitist, attitude that the awards have always had. Six-time Oscar-nominee Amy Adams was nominated twice, for Dear Evan Hansen and The Woman in the Window, the former you remember because of its use of a 28-year-old playing a 16-year-old (or whatever, high school age. Don’t fact check us, we could not give a shit), and the latter being um, a movie that we guess we heard about once? It’s based on a book right?

What we’re saying is, Amy Adams should be part of a Leonardo DiCaprio conversation of “when is she gonna win her Oscar.” Not a sudden two-time Razzie nominee. We don’t need our national treasure, star of Arrival and Talladega Nights, slighted like this during a pandemic.

Ben Affleck was also nominated for The Last Duel, a film for which he’s received multiple accolades and was, at its very worst, a well-made movie that was too long and had like, way too much rape in it? The most generous reason we can think of for Affleck’s nomination here was that he had a bad wig. The most likely reason? He’s dating J-Lo again, and the Razzies think she can do better.  

So what’s our point here? The Razzies are full of gossipy bitches that can’t find their own drama.

They also have historically proven to be somewhat cringey, planting their “this is a bad movie” take in movies that turned out to be great. Basically, the Razzies need to take a step back and reassess how they view movies. Because all of the following films are actual Razzie-nominated features that, we think, showed the Razzies going TOO FAR.

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The Definitive Ranking of Every Ted Lasso Character (Season 2)

 “Be Curious. Not Judgmental.”

~Ted Lasso

Apple_TV_Ted_Lasso_key_art_sh_cr

Back in April, when we wrote about our favorite show of the yearTed Lasso, it was, just like the Richmond Greyhounds, a bit of an underdog. It was the show everyone was being told about, but hadn’t seen yet (because honestly, who has an Apple TV subscription?) 

Specifically, we took all 62 characters that appeared in the first season, and ranked them, from worst to best. If you have any doubts about our knowledge on this topic, every single character in the top seven of our list ended up being nominated for an Emmy for Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, or Best Supporting Actress. So we basically nailed it.

Since then, it’s won seven Emmys, including best Actor (Jason Sudeikis as Ted Lasso), Best Supporting Actor (Brent Goldstein as Roy Kent), Best Supporting Actress (Hannah Waddingham as Rebecca Welton) and Best Comedy. It’s also brought on the dreaded discourse. Because nothing gold can stay.

But just because the second season of Ted Lasso was messy and complicated, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a delight, and not something worth revisiting. Until, it turns out, we decided to expand our “ranking the characters in Ted Lasso” article after the first season, which had 62 characters, and realized, holy shit, there are a lot more characters in season two!

This article is over 10,000 words long! And we know you won’t read it, you’ll skim through until you see where Nate is (MUCH lower than season one) and where Roy is (slightly higher than season one) and then will just cherry pick for your favorites. And that’s fine. Anyway, we put way too much time into this silly article. Enjoy!

Every Ted Lasso Character, Ranked (After Season 2)

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How Many Academy Award Nominations SHOULD Tom Hanks Have?

“I have more Academy Award nominations than Tom Hanks? That…that can’t be right.”

~Bradley Cooper

oscar

As a nation, Americans don’t agree on much. We know that pizza is good, traffic jams are bad, and Jack Black is either the greatest gift we could ever ask for or a complete scourge from hell and there is no middle ground there. Seriously, it’s impossible to have a neutral opinion on Jack Black. 

But one immutable fact that all Americans can share is simple—Tom Hanks is America’s dad, and we love him fiercely. 

When Hanks first appeared on the small screen as *check notes* a young ad man who had to dress as a woman to live in an affordable girls-only apartment (lol, wait, really?) you might be forgiven for not immediately assuming that the then-24-year-old would go on to become a full-stop national icon and one of the greatest actors of all time, but here we are. 

Ever since his big screen breakthrough in 1984’s Splash, however, Hanks has gone on to become the fourth-highest-grossing actor of all time, and one of the more critically praised as well. Along with Spencer Tracy, Tom Hanks is one of two actors ever to win the Academy Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role in consecutive years. 

But despite appearing in numerous Golden Globe- and Academy Award-nominated films in the past several decades, Hanks randomly went 19 years between Oscar nominations, until his work in 2019’s A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood was nominated. 

That got us thinking. Tom Hanks, arguably the greatest actor of his generation, has been nominated for a total of six Academy Awards in his career. That’s a lot, but given Hanks’ stature, you’d assume he’d have more, right? Hell, Bradley Cooper has eight nominations (though some of those are for producing, and he got a screenplay nod for A Star is Born).

So join us in a journey through Tom Hanks’ storied career as we determine—

How Many Total Oscar Nominations Should Tom Hanks Really Have

hanks saving private ryan

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The Definitive Ranking of Every Ted Lasso Character (Season 1)

 “Be Curious. Not Judgmental.”

~Ted Lasso

Apple_TV_Ted_Lasso_key_art_sh_cr

So a little known fact about 2020 is that, apparently, for a lot of people it was not great! Yeah, color us surprised, our staff spent the whole year on a private island (after 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine why are you all mad?) so it was news to us.

But in a, let’s say, “down year”, one of the universally acknowledged high points of 2020 was the release of Ted Lasso, the Golden Globe-winning comedy that was the primary reason you either got Apple TV+ or figured out how to pirate tv shows.

If you haven’t seen it, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THIS PAST YEAR THIS SHOW IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEEDED!?!?!? But we’ll pretend you’re a hypothetical reader unaware of this delightful show. Starring Jason Sudeikis, Ted Lasso had no reason to be as good as it is. It was based off an NBC Sports ad made seven years ago, which is basically like turning an SNL sketch into a movie (which usually does not go well) and making it six times as long.

Yet, with an impressive creative team behind it, including Scrubs creator Bill Lawrence, it somehow ended up the EXACT show we needed for this past year. It’s heartwarming, sincere, charming and kind, without any cynicism or irony. Even the bad guys in the show find a way to make you root for them (well, except for a few).

All of this is to say, we have decided to celebrate the release of the official season two teaser trailer. by spending dozens of hours on research and writing 5,000 words to arbitrarily rank every single character from Season 1 of Ted Lasso.

Now, you might be disappointed with some choices in this list, but there’s no way you’ll be actively upset, because Ted Lasso is the rare show that, in a single short season (so far) (it’s locked in to end after Season 3), has already established a good 20 characters you’d take a bullet for. So with that in mind, let’s get this underway.

Every Ted Lasso Character, Ranked

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All 28 American Flags, Ranked

“You’re TRASH, get your stars right.”

~Uncle Sam to Like MOST American Flags

USA FLAG

The American flag is iconic. You look at an American flag and you say say, hell yeah, America. Thank God we’re not doing shit like, Bhutan, whose flag is a dragon roller skating on four apples. Okay, bad example, that flag rules. 

But back to the American flag. Most of you reading this have only lived with one American flag as part of your life.

But the American flag has changed a lot! Every time we add a state (or multiple states), we have to update that star count. Technically we’ve had 27 iterations of the American flag, but we’re going to say that the Betsy Ross flag (with stars in a circle) counts as a different flag than our first official 13-star flag. 

So let’s talk about which flags are awesome and which are pure TRASH.

Ranking America’s 28 Flags

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DiCarlo’s Pizza Wants You To Know That They, and They Alone, Are Responsible for All Awful Ohio Valley-Style Pizzas

“Please remove my company from your website. I don’t want my company listed on your page.”

Management of DiCarlo’s Pizza, sent to our staff at 8:30 AM on a Sunday

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Eight years ago (!) we wrote a pretty obviously troll-y post about the worst pizza styles in America. Was this a flimsy excuse for us to dunk on St. Louis-Style pizza, a thing we’ve written about enough you’d be fair to wonder if we caught a St. Louis-Style pizza having sex with our wife? Yes.

If we’re being completely honest, we started that article with St. Louis pizza locked in at the number one spot (it’s a cracker covered in sugary-as-fuck sauce and fake cheese that only is sold in St. Louis) and just sort of scrambled around looking for other “meh” styles.

We landed on California-style (don’t put healthy shit on pizza please), Tomato Pies from Jersey (it’s just….bread with cold sauce), Quad City-style pizza (the word “spice jam” should tell you enough about that one) and Ohio Valley-style pizza, a type of pizza where, we should absolutely note, we referenced exactly zero specific businesses behind its creation.

We said that Ohio Valley-style pizza is a thing, which cooks a pizza and then tops it with cold, un-cooked cheese and toppings, and also, what the fuck?

Anyway, as you can see from the above email, nearly a decade after writing this jokey article, one of the owners of a DiCarlo’s Pizza location, the apparent creator of this bullshit Lunchables approach to pizza, got up on a Sunday morning, googled “Ohio Valley Style Pizza”, found our article, and decided to fire off a super angry and thirsty missive to our staff via their iPad.

And as you should all know by know, if you don’t want us to write an article making fun of you, maybe don’t send us angry emails where you scream at us for talking about your brand. Especially when we had never heard of you before today.

So let’s thank whoever is in charge at DiCarlo’s marketing for giving us a fun topic article.

Di Carlo’s Pizza Is Almost Hilariously Angry, All the Time

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Yakima WebSite Design is the Web Design and SEO Agency That HAS to Be Pranking Us

“Hahaha this can’t be real. This CAN’T be REAL.”

~Our SEO Experts

Screen Shot 2021-03-11 at 10.24.27 PM

One thing you face when running a website is a constant slew of emails offering “SEO Services.” Basically form emails saying, “Your site is missing out on some MAJOR opportunities. Pay us to fix your site and make it great for SEO!”

For the majority of you reading this that rightfully read that as gibberish, SEO is short for “search engine optimization” which basically is a way of saying “we’ll try to make Google show your website more often.”

Before we go any further with this article, let’s get you in the right mindset. Yes, you come here normally to read things like “I miss those Doritos, amirite” and “woah that’s a big bottle of booze!” So we understand that the moment we started offering sincere explanations of digital marketing terms, you stiffened a bit.

Don’t worry, this is not going to be a boring marketing article or anything like that. And we know, going to you with the pitch of, “Let’s take a deep dive into a very comically web development and digital marketing agency” is a BIG ask.

But strap in. This is worth it.

We Cannot Stop Laughing at Yakima WebSite Design, Because Holy Shit

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37 Marvel Cinematic Universe Villains, Ranked

“Oh my God fuck these writers.”

~You

picture of Marvel heroes

Our staff recently sat down to watch all the films from the Marvel Cinematic Universe (or MCU, if you’re nasty) in chronological order because we decided that was one of the least destructive things a person could do after 11 months of complete isolation.

Now, we could, and should, have kept this fact to ourselves. “We binged 23 movies in the course of like two weeks” is less of a thing you advertise, and more a thing you hide to avoid a lot of “are you okay?” texts from concerned family and friends.

But we decided that we’d use this cry for help as an excuse to create the only kind of content we know—divisive content tailor-made to piss off notoriously volatile fan bases.

So let’s rank all the villains we can think of from the Marvel films. Some minor villains were left off the list, because who cares. And we briefly considered adding the Maximoff twins (we’re just now realizing how lazy it is that between them and Black Widow, the only Eastern European characters are named “Romanoff” and “Maximoff” but that’s a different article) because they literally were villains for, like, two scenes.

Anyway, we’ve likely left off a character you care about, and we’ve almost certainly placed someone on this list in a place that will make you feel pure rage, and we apologize for nothing. It’s a dumb article about fun movies based on silly comic books. Maybe just chill a bit, okay?

Anyway…onto the list.

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Every American President Who Was a Junior

“Lol try and guess my actual birth name. No, seriously, give it a shot.”

~Gerald Ford

Gerald Ford and Betty Ford

For most Americans with children, there is a sense of continuing your legacy that comes with siring a child. (Is that what parents call it? All of our writers are single and aren’t allowed to “hold their baby nephews” because we “reek of whiskey and, Jesus, is that what opium smells like?” so we’r out of our element here.) 

However, some parents (mostly fathers, honestly) want to take that concept a step further by actually passing on their name to their children. This should not shock you—there are many famous Juniors in the world, from Ken Griffey Jr. (the baseball player more successful than his baseball playing father) to Martin Luther King Jr. (the Civil Rights hero whose father founded Lutheranism, right? Our research staff has been MIA for a few months, honestly.)

However, not every Junior actually carries their Jr. title. Some, like your Dennis Juniors, go by initials like DJ. And others just drop the Jr. all together. 

Apparently, that latter category applies to a surprising amount of American presidents. And with the swearing in of Joe Biden, formally known as Joseph Robinette Biden Jr., we decided we’d look back at American history and let you know every president whose name is basically a photocopy of their father’s name. 

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