Tag Archives: America

The Weirdest Official National Animals in the World: Mythical Creatures Edition (Part 1)

“What…Am…I?”

~The National Animal of Bhutan

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If you’re an independent nation, there’s a good chance you have a national animal of some sort. In fact, of all the official countries in the world, almost ¾ of them do. We don’t have a really good reason why that’s the case. In fact it’s kind of weird that a bunch of countries randomly decided to give themselves mascots without anyone questioning as to…what’s the point? We’re sure some country started doing it like thousands of years ago (honestly, probably China?) and a few other independently decided to go the same route, and eventually most countries just got peer pressured into it, but it’s kind of weird that we take national animals as just like, a normal thing for countries to have.

Now America has a few national animals, and we’re not alone in being countries that double down. Naturally we have the bald eagle, but did you know that we also named the American bison our “national mammal”? Yeah that’s right, we have a national mammal. Now, that’s only been the case since it was signed into law in 2016, but still, we do now have two animals. And that being said, neither of these options are bad. Bald eagles are badass, and look badass, while bison have long played a historically significant role in many cultures throughout American history.

But as you might surmise, not every country can really lock in a good national animal like America. In fact, a lot of countries are represented by animals that are not only weird, they straight up don’t fucking exist. And not a single one of these fake animals is a warthog in an army uniform firing a bazooka, which is what we would have come up with if asked to make up a mythical creature to represent America.

You know the deal at this point. We found out that some countries are weird about an arbitrary thing, and we’re going to tell you all about the weirdness. And folks? There are a lot of official animals that straight up do not exist. So many that we’re going to split this sucker into two articles. Keep in mind, most of these creatures were invented about 300 years before we as a species really started getting good at “imagination” and it shows.

The Weirdest Official National Animals in the World: Mythical Creatures Edition (Part 1)

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We Need to Talk About Dr. Seuss’ Weird Ass Taxidermy Creatures

“May I kill them with a knife?

May I rid these things of life?

They give me nightmares I can’t stand

Please burn it all, Sam I Am”

~Seriously Though, These Are Freaky As Hell

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Dr. Seuss is one of those true American heroes who have reputations that are impossible to tarnish. Like, sure, he did some racist political cartoons about the Japanese back in World War II, but we’re usually pretty okay ignoring that. It was war after all, and compared to his peers his cartoons were, um, well almost quaint. Besides, he’s an all-time American, and his books are timeless for a reason. Brimming with whimsy and imagination, every red-blooded Americans who didn’t have a mom or dad that took the whole “alternative parenting” thing too far grew up reading Green Eggs and Ham or One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish (fun fact about the latter—he wrote it on a fucking dare. Someone bet he couldn’t write a book using just 50 unique words or less. He used 49).

The point being, Dr. Seuss is a treasure, and nothing he could do would make us say otherwise. You could tell us he lived a second life killing farmhands in rural Nebraska, where he was known as “The Scarecrow Killer” and we’d be like, “Well, let’s just say he had a complicated legacy, but he probably did more good than bad.” So with that in mind, we’re going to talk to you about his “collection of unorthodox taxidermy” which is almost enough to tarnish his reputation. It doesn’t, but it does weird us the fuck out, and we need to talk about it.

We Need to Talk About Dr. Seuss’ Weird Ass Taxidermy Creatures

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Goddamn It, Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong: Shakey’s Pizza

“Wait how could it be worse than The Pizza Little Party Pizzeria? Oh shit, it’s a BUFFET? Goddamn it, Japan.”

~AFFotD’s Food Critic

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Pizza is a lot like sex. When it’s good it’s REALLY good. And when Japan does it, um, you’re about to experience something definitely weird and probably unsettling.

Speaking of Japan, while it’s been a few years since we’ve had to complain about the culinary choices of Japan (especially when they attempt to serve American-style food), we do have a rich history of asking Japan what, exactly, do they think they’re doing. So naturally, it is our solemn duty to inform you of another classic American institution that’s been co-opted and warped in terrifying ways by our friends in the East. Yes, it’s pizza again. But this time…it’s Shakey’s pizza.

We literally haven’t thought about a Shakey’s pizza since that one South Park episode where Cartman makes one out of stem cells, but after seeing Japan’s version of Shakey’s, we could remain silent no longer. So let’s take a deep breath and shout to the heavens…

Goddamn It, Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong: Shakey’s Pizza

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10 Places Humans Actually Decided to Draw a Dick

“Heh. Penis.”

~Just About Every Male Vandal

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It’s 2019 now, so why not start things off with the article that will finally cause Google to de-list us from their search engine? Listen, we’ve never been one to shy away from a dick joke. Hell, we even wrote an entire article that was just a list of entertainers whose names are sort of dick jokes that have stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. A whole article! But in general, we like to keep our stuff respectable, decent, with just a few dick jokes scattered throughout our otherwise serious reporting. You know, serious reporting such as books about drinking pee, or weird burritos. So if you think that jokes about male genitalia are “juvenile” or “un-refined” or “no, sorry, I just don’t really care for the taste of alcohol, that’s all” then you are more than welcome to read one of our many articles on topics that weren’t clearly suggested by giggling 14-year-olds. May we suggest our series on goofy photos of former presidents?

But for those of you who are still with us, we are here to talk about penis vandalism. Yes, much like the Netflix mockumentary American Vandal. Only, we’re not limiting ourselves to dicks drawn on a bunch of cars. (Seriously if you have not watched American Vandal, do so, you’ll appreciate it.) We’re looking much, much bigger (Heh. Nice).

Because sure, any amateur can carve a dick in freshly poured concrete, or into a school desk, or on a tree (preferably inside on of the giant TJ <3S AD hearts). But that’s small potatoes. This is the big league. And only a true master can pull off the following phallic phenomenon.

10 Places Humans Actually Decided to Draw a Dick

(warning, this article will contain many pictures of crudely drawn penises. So if a tall arch and two circles offends your sensibilities, here’s an article about how the recipe for Mac and Cheese was stolen from a slave who committed suicide at the age of 36. So yeah, maybe there are things other than 2-D dicks out there to get upset about maybe?)

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The Most Absurd College Bowl Game Names of 2018

“Congrats, after a full season of hard work, your team has been selected to play…The Dollar General Bowl. We’re so sorry.”

~NCAA Selection Committee

bowl games

There’s a lot of money to be made in College Football. No, not by the players, that’s ridiculous. Obviously, we’re talking about the money out there for schools and the NCAA in general. Yeah, no, fuck those students, they get to go to school for free, and all it costs is spending countless hours practicing, weightlifting, and training, and then putting their bodies in peril every Saturday for three months. But again, everyone else, they’re able to get a lot of money from College Football. And nowhere is that more evident than during Bowl Game season.

This Saturday the Celebration Bowl will kick off a slate of games that, between ticket sales, sponsorships, and naming rights, exist solely as cash grabs for schools across the nation. Every team that mustered up six wins will go ahead and play each other for a bonus game of which only a handful carry any real stakes. But we’re not here to talk about the perils of the Bowl system, or about the NCAA, or anything like that. We don’t really like delving into serious matters like that. We’d much rather talk about goofy names.

So let’s talk about all of the Bowl games that have hilarious, silly names, shall we?

The Most Absurd College Bowl Game Names of 2018

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We Can Finally Visit Buckhorn Lake State Resort Park

“It’s heads. Oh thank God.”

~50% of Buckhorn Voters

buckhorn

Sometimes, Democracy doesn’t work quite the way we want it to. It’s both one of the greatest, and most frustrating, aspects of the system. Democracy doesn’t always get it “right” but, at the very least, it allows us to eventually correct our mistakes. Case in point—alcohol. As much as we drink to forget, a generation of Americans couldn’t legally buy booze for thirteen years, despite the fact that we’re pretty sure the best parts of the Constitution were written when James Madison was half in the bag. But we also eventually came to our senses, and now you can drink in most places except for random pockets of the country that we’d never want to ever go to. That’s why, after 2018 elections, we are proud to announce that, at long last…

We Can Finally Visit Buckhorn Lake State Resort Park

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Eric Roberts Has More Hustle Than Any Actor in Hollywood

“*sigh* Yeah he’ll take it.”

~Eric Roberts’ Agent

eric roberts

So here’s a story. The other day we were thinking about Eric Roberts. You know, the actor. Don’t ask us why. You’re gonna ask us why? We were drunk, okay? What that’s not enough explanation for you? Have you ever read our site? We once got drunk and decided it was a good idea to rate every fictional president in film history, and then this shit happened. We are not responsible adults here, okay?

Anyway, we went to Eric Robert’s IMDB page, because we may or may not be watching Sons of Anarchy and may or may not have wanted to write a joke about how shit Eric Robert’s haircut is before realizing that he’s not in that show at all, he just looks kiiiind of like Jeff Kober. Tell us we’re wrong.

Do you know what we found? Well, as you can tell by the title of this article, this dude hustles. Like, holy shit. Look at how many pending project he has on his IMDB page. We can’t even fit all of them in a screenshot, and that’s after we’ve zoomed our browser down enough that it’s blurred beyond recognition.

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How do so many of these not have release dates?

So yeah. Apparently Eric Roberts, according to the internet (WHICH IS INFALLIBLE! ALL PENGUINS ARE GIRLS, THAT’S A FACT NOW) has FIVE HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN CREDITS to his name. That’s insane. You know how insane that is? When we started writing this article, that number was on 504. Then when we finished writing this article it was 514. And between writing this and posting it, it jumped up three more. We wish that was a joke.

Now if you want to feel kind of disillusioned, here’s a fun fact. Again, if we go by what the internet says (APPARENTLY ALSO SPIDERS ARE AFRAID OF BULLSEYES, THAT’S A FACT NOW, SO SAYETH THE NET) that Eric Roberts is worth about $8 million, after a highly successful acting career and literally half a thousand roles. That means each appearance he’s had behind the camera has been worth about $14,000. Which honestly? Is not bad money, but it’s not “award-nominated actor” money either. Not even close.

His sister, Julia Roberts (MAYBE YOU HAVE HEARD OF HER HMM) is worth about $140 million. Over 61 credits.

His daughter, Emma (who we confuse with Emily Rossum for some reason?) is worth $15 million. Which, lol. Do you think he’s a bit jealous of his daughter being worth twice as much as him, or is he mostly proud? Probably mostly proud, with a twinge of jealousy, right? That seems right?

Anyway, we’re going to talk about Eric Robert’s Hustle.

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The History of All Six Desks Ever Used in the Oval Office

“Fuck you I want my own goddamn desk.”

~Lyndon B. Johnson

white house desk

Years ago, in the infancy of our existence as a website, we wrote about The White House, because what is more American than having our President live a mansion where he can get his work done while having a cheeseburger sent to his room at 3AM as he drunkenly calls the President of Greece to tell him that Ouzo sucks? But we didn’t really devote a lot of time to the actual Oval Office, where shit gets done.  And when we think of the one defining feature of the Oval Office (other than the shape, smartass), we think of the desk where the President sits and, we can say this with absolute certainty, farts at least a few times a day.

The President’s desk is ornate, and “presidential” and, somewhat shockingly, usually shared. In fact, in the whole history of the White House, there have only been six desks used in the Oval Office, many shared by Presidents with very different ideologies who somehow have managed to avoid carving dicks in the wood as a gift to their successors. We’re amazed they had the restraint. We wouldn’t have. If we had to give our desk to the guy replacing us, it’d be dick central. You couldn’t find a spot on the thing that didn’t have dicks.

This article is not going to be about dicks carved into White House furniture. It is, however about…

The History of All Six Desks Ever Used in the Oval Office

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Let’s Check in on Christopher Blair (Busta Troll, Shameless Runner of America’s Last Line of Defense), Shall We?

“Are you dickbags still online? Why? Nobody has ever cared what you think.”

~Christopher Blair

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So you might not remember Christopher Blair. He took a weirdly personal interest in our site (full disclosure, we absolutely started it by sending a drunk and foul mouthed email to one of his writers at like 2AM on a Sunday) back in September of 2017. To bring you up to speed, this 40-something former construction worker runs a series of websites including the now-defunct thelastlineofdefense.org. That particular site posted a “fake news” story that was what fake news used to be called—a real big old fucking lie. It used a picture of an actual Muslim cleric, saying he was refusing to help hurricane survivors, and it got that cleric death threats. That greatly upset us, because we are satirical but we do not stoke hatred unless it is very carefully focused to a deserving party (like this article is stoking hatred towards Christopher Blair, but he can fuck off into a volcano for all we care). Anyway, we wrote a Very Serious Piece (seriously, no dick jokes or anything. Okay maybe a few?) about it, which you can see here..

We emailed the writer of the cleric piece (did we call him the C-word? Listen, the answer is yes, but to be fair, the writer was kind of being a C-word?) and he got back to us with some glib comments, basically along the lines of “Y U MAD?” But he pushed it further down the chain until Christopher Blair himself, BUSTA TROLL, blessed us with an emailed response. It was SO EPIC he posted about it on his Facebook page. His SICK burn was a mix of “lol we have more readers then you” and “look at ALL THIS MONEY I MAKE FROM THIS” with some kind of D-film Bond villain level “we are trolling on the next level LET ME TELL YOU MY PLAN” shit sprinkled in there. It was so DEVASTATING that we posted his email response IN FULL on our own website. We wrote about him 13 months ago.

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We’re really trying to do this right by only focusing on Christopher’s toxic personality, but like, we’d be remiss if we didn’t at last whisper “…m…make your own Taft joke here.”

We’ll run down our basic points here.

1- Writing an article trying to trick people into thinking something fake is actually real is not satire, it’s hack as SHIT.

2- If you get more readers than our site by doing that, we…don’t really give a fuck? Just stop doing bad shit that just makes people angry?

3- Christopher Blair insists that he’s a “Liberal Troll” here to “expose the idiots on the far right” and since our posting, people have died because of heated tensions between both sides of the spectrum, so, like, maybe it’s not working out like you planned, Busta?

4- Blair practically pulled a hamstring bragging to us, in a way to prove that we are “worthless,” how his fake news sites have helped pay for his FORD EXCURSION and the $8,000 he spent on his tortoise enclosure. Haha, just kidding, that would be super depressing if…oh sorry, wait, no that is real, that’s not us making something up to make fun of him. Our bad.

5- He’s a truly awful writer, he’s bad for America, and no matter how pissy he gets it won’t change that.

We posted it and immediately got an email from Christopher Blair along the lines of “LOL NO ONE READS YOUR SHIT ANYWAY” to which we said… “Um YOU read it?”

We then had a weird back and forth with the writer of the original offending piece, going by David Tango Foxtrot, who closed things off, confusingly, with, “We may disagree here, but I have to say, you’re a damn good writer. Respect.”

…K?

We assumed that was Christopher, but have confirmed it is in fact one of the only other writers in his employ. But anyway, ALL OF THIS is to bring us to the purpose of this article.

Let’s check in on Christopher Blair, shall we?

Let’s Check in on Christopher Blair (The Self-Proclaimed “Kingpin of Fake News”), Shall We?

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The 16 Best Fast Food Hamburgers in America: A Stolen List

“I’m not mad about this assignment.”

~AFFotD’s Food Critic
burger

Full disclosure—we are straight up stealing an article here. It’s theft, pure and simple, taking this list from our friends at The Classic Dad and rewriting it, while keeping the rankings exactly as they were. Now normally we’d view that as a Christopher-Blair-level of douchbaggery, but hear us out. Okay, it’s pretty hack on our part, but one of our writers actually wrote the original article, and we asked him if we could use it. He said no, but then we asked him if we could use it if we gave him a bottle of whiskey. He asked, “What kind?” We said, “Jim Beam.” He said, “I don’t get out of fucking bed for less than Woodford Reserve.” We told him to fuck off, we’re not made of $30 whiskey. Then we stole the article and posted it here.

Okay, so maybe he didn’t give us the okay…meh. This is the internet it’s the Wild West out here baby.

Anyway. Fast food hamburgers. You know them. You love them. They are literally in your arteries right now, which, holy shit, go to a doctor get that looked at, you might need a bypass. There are a lot of fast food chains out there that make cheap, unhealthy, delicious meat pucks for your consumption on the daily. But which fast food chain reigns supreme? Well, we (read as, our writer who is so mad at us right now he is literally threatening a lawsuit, haha, good luck finding any assets we can even liquidate, buddy) set out to determine, once and for all, who makes the best Fast Food burger in the United States.

A few notes. First, it was with heavy hearts that we had to omit Steak ‘N Shake from this list, because the mere mention of its name led to an hour-long argument about if Steak ‘N Shake counts as fast food or not. Secondly, while some of these are in fact regional chains, we set an arbitrary rule that you have to be in at least five states and, oh, let’s say over 150 locations, for us to include you on this list. So that knocks off Fuddruckers, for example. Also, we just didn’t want to go to Fuddruckers. And there is a good chance that one of your favorite fast food chains did not make this list somehow. There’s a very good explanation for that if that is in fact the case. It is because we have a strong personal dislike of you. Yes, you. Remember 7th grade? We do, fuckko.

Anyway, to the list!

The 16 Best Fast Food Hamburgers in America: A Stolen List

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