Tag Archives: America

The House of David: The Religious Commune That Took Baseball By Storm

“Let me write an article or I’ll kill your family.”

~Cal Van Buren

It’s widely believed that in order to become a writer for America Fun Fact of the Day, you must first survive the whiskey challenge (drink a bunch of whiskey), then the hot dog challenge (eat a bunch of hot dogs), then the murder someone without asking questions challenge (RIP Dan Bilzerian).

And that’s pretty much true. But our latest writer to pass that test is our newest editor, Cal Van Buren, who decided to tell you about the House of David.  We’ll let Cal take it from here as he tells you about the crazy religious communes, baseball, and hair hair HAIR.  Enjoy.

The House of David: The Religious Commune That Took Baseball By Storm

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Ranking the Ridiculous Food Items That Might Be Added to the 2017 Menu of the West Michigan Whitecaps Class A Baseball Team

“We will let you choose what gives you your next heart attack.”

~The Western Michigan Whitecaps’ Food Director

whitecaps

We’ve talked about Minor League Baseball before—specifically, how the menus at Minor League Baseball stadiums tend to be what you might call “eccentric” if you weren’t allowed to use the term “batshit fucking insane what, really, WHAT!?” among polite company.  It makes sense—there’s not necessarily a lot of star power in most minor league games, so owners try to bring in fans with fun gimmicks, which can include wrapping a cheese filled bratwurst with sausage, then bacon, and frying the fucker.  That wasn’t just us making up some random over the top example, that fucking exists.

Which brings us to the Western Michigan Whitecaps, a Single-A affiliate of the Detroit Tigers who play, and stay with us because this is confusing, at the Fifth Third Ballpark in the Grand Rapids suburb of Comstock Park.  Yes, we know, our heads hurt too.  Anyway, they take the tradition of “let’s serve crazy shit to fans” to the next level, and since 2009 they have provided fans with a series of food options that they can vote for, with the winner being sold in the stadium for the next season.

Now if you plan on voting, you can do so here, but you don’t want to make this decision uninformed.  So we’re going to go through each potential menu item, giving you a systematic breakdown of each insane item, before telling you what the best option is.  Ready?  Here we go!

Ranking the Ridiculous Food Items That Might Be Added to the 2017 Menu of the West Michigan Whitecaps Class A Baseball Team

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Jesus Christ Why Do We Have To Keep Talking About How ALDI Is For Poors

“There is nothing more important to me than defending the honor of ALDI, I am not a corporate shill”

~Apparently half of the goddamn internet

aldi

Nearly six years ago, we wrote an article called “ALDI Owns Trader Joe’s, Corners The Market On Cheap Food Knockoffs.”  Not to get too “how the sausage is made” on you, but the entire reason we wrote it was that one of our staffers was at an ALDI with their roommate, and made a crack about the ALDI brand of Ramen Noodles along the lines of “oh, you want TOP Ramen?  Well lah dee dah Mr. Rockefeller.”  That’s it.  The article gives a brief history of the company, makes jokes about all the cost-cutting corners ALDI does, pokes fun at their store brands, and closes with a joke about how people who have jobs don’t shop there, and that their produce is low quality but cheap.

People.

Lost.

Their.

God.

Damn.

Minds.

So much so that a year and a half ago, we had to write another article about ALDI to clarify our position, because people were digging up this random article and posting the most pissed off comments imaginable there.  Seriously, we wrote an article that was jokingly like “ALDI is bullshit” and ALDI shoppers reacted as if their loved ones had just told them they don’t actually like missionary position and they should switch things up a bit.

Now, as our follow up article points out—ALDI is fucking fine, if you shop there, you do you, but ALDI literally does nothing that warrants the level of corporate shilling that you motherfuckers give it.  If ALDI shoppers got together and formed a club, their motto would be “Well, Actually…”  We barely have the energy to throw away our empty whiskey bottles when we wake up in the morning, yet scores of grocery shoppers are looking up obscure articles about ALDI, finding the two paragraphs that talk shit, and posting long (LONG) comments that are like “I actually make good money, but I still go to ALDI, here is the exact percentage in savings I have, and let me name various brands and products that ALDI offers that I enjoy.”  No one gives a shit, Gladice.

You guys, they won’t go away.  They stalk us to this very day.  So fuck it.  We’ll lean into the skid.  Come at us ALDI lovers, you’re about to get a dose of hate.

Jesus Christ Why Do We Have To Keep Talking About How ALDI Is For Poors

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The Beautiful Mess That Was The 1925 NFL Season

“Um, we still don’t really know how championships should work?”

~1925 NFL Officials

 1925-trophy

As we’ve discussed previously, when the NFL was getting off the ground, things were patently ridiculous.  That’s not too surprising—frankly, the early days of any professional sports league looks silly in retrospect.  By the sixth season of the league’s existence, things were starting to settle somewhat, but clearly they still had some growing pains.  In fact, 1925 might very well be the most absurd season in NFL history.  And no matter what you thought of last week’s Super Bowl (WHY DIDN’T YOU RUN THE BALL MORE ATLANTA), at least you know that the Patriots are the top team in the league this year (SHUT UP BOSTON FANS).  1925 did not have that luxury.  Let’s take a dive, shall we.

The Beautiful Mess That Was The 1925 NFL Season

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Tomcat Films Makes The Best (Worst) Movies in America

“Shit, superman is taken? How about ‘Hero Dude’?  No?  Well let’s do some re-shoots and get this bitch distributed!”

~Ted Chalmers

 panda-saurus

Making it big in the American film industry requires talent, perseverance, knowing the right people, and a whole lot of luck.  Unfortunately, not every American who wants to go into show business was born with Brad Pitt’s face or Willem Dafoe’s prodigious genitalia, and most dreams in Tinseltown end where they begin- holding back tears as you scrub semen stains off a producer’s couch. But there’s a strange and frankly wonderful niche among all the critically acclaimed Indie darlings and massive blockbuster hits that is lucrative enough to account for 90% of the DVDs your grandma buys for you at Walmart.  That niche, of course, is the Mockbuster- super cheap, poorly CGI’d films that riff on popular blockbusters with names juuuust close enough to trick people into thinking “Wow, The Dark Knight’s on DVD for only $2.99!  Weird that they didn’t spell it with the K, but whatever.”

One of these Mockbuster purveyors is Tomcat Films, now under the umbrella of Summer Hill Films.  So we took one look at their offerings to the public and said to ourselves, hell yeah, let’s talk about the hilariously bad movies these guys have produced.  And holy hell, did they not disappoint.  So grab your off-brand popcorn and get ready for a master class in so-bad-they’re-good-and-then-bad-again movie making

Tomcat Films Makes The Best (Worst) Movies in America

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Great Moments in Spam Responses: International Journal of Advanced Computer Technology

“Get me off your fucking mailing list.”

~David Mazières and Eddie Kohler

get-me-off-your-list

If you put a gun to our head and told us to tell you one thing that’s wrong with America, we’d press our forehead into the barrel and say, “That pussies like you don’t have the stones to pull the trigger.”  But if you asked nicely, and weren’t a dick about it, we’d say, “probably the existence of companies and publications employing predatory tactics to gain profit.”  And while businesses that gain all their profits through legal-but-shady means are a global phenomenon, America does unfortunately have its fair share of assholes who trick the gullible, frightened, and elderly into giving them money.

One surprising and somewhat unsettling form this has taken involves, of all things, science.  Specifically, “academic journals” that solely exist to mill out publications for graduate students and members of STEM academia.  These publications spam academics and will post just about anything so long as they get their publication fee.  One of those publications is the International Journal of Advanced Computer Technology which is the equivalent of us calling our website the International Publication of Extraordinary Patriotic Informative Studies, which is to say it’s a bullshit name for a bullshit publication (yes we are including ourselves in the “bullshit” category).  And that’s why it was so wonderful when, in 2014, Peter Vamplew, Associate Professor at Federation University Australia, decided to fuck with this publication, to amazing effect.  This is his story.

Great Moments in Spam Responses:  International Journal of Advanced Computer Technology

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The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Mordvinia

“Wait, so this is depressing even for RUSSIA?  Jesus.”

~AFFotD’s Food Critic

 mordvinia

We very clearly love food here, but we also love calling out other countries for how bad their food is.  Granted, it’s not particularly noteworthy to have bad food (cough, sup England) or weird food (how you living, Japan). But we prefer to focus on depressing food cultures.  Like, yes, Iceland eats rotted fermented shark, and that’s gross, but the fact that they ferment everything because they can’t afford to import salt, or that the shark has to be fermented so that it stops being poisonous is legitimately depressing.

So we are here to keep our proud tradition of looking at rich, steeped culinary histories and going, “Oh God, that’s so sad.”  Now let’s hop on a plane to the federal subject of Russia, Mordvinia, where things get depressing, even for Russia.

The World’s Saddest Cuisines:  Mordvinia

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The 5 Most Expensive American Guns Ever Sold In Auction

“Pew pew pew.  That’ll be a million dollars, please.”

~Gun Auctioneers, Probably?

thompson1928a1

America loves and hates guns more than any other country in the world, though apparently Serbia is trying their best to give us a run for our money.  We’re not here to talk about gun laws or crime in the nation, because God that just sounds like a fucking chore.  So instead, we’re going to talk about very old guns that were purchased by very rich (presumably white and old) people, because no matter what you think about gun culture, it is pretty wild to imagine spending a million dollars on some two hundred year old metal contraption that could maybe still kill a person.

The 5 Most Expensive American Guns Ever Sold In Auction

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The Weirdest Christmas Dishes From Around the World

“We wish you a merry…oh God what are you putting in front of us?  You want us to EAT that?”

~Greenland residents during Christmas

 christmases

We’re just a few short days away from Christmas, a time for reflection, forced familial-interaction in the guise of gift giving and, above all else, feasting, American-style.  Every family has their own different tradition for Christmas, ranging from “it’s pretty much like a second Thanksgiving” to “my family died in a fire and the holidays are a cold reminder of how I’m alone in the world, oh God now I’m crying in public again, thanks a lot assholes” but generally, an American Christmas feast falls well within the definition of “normal.”  Ham?  Sounds delicious.  Turkey?  Sure!  Egg nog?  Booze it up and we’ll talk.

But we were recently informed, much to our surprise, that countries other than America also celebrate Christmas, which is insane to think about because America is the only country that actually makes good Christmas movies.  But it’s true, we’re not alone in celebrating Christmas.  However, less surprisingly, most other countries get real weird about it.  So we decided to cast our xenophobia aside (reluctantly) in the spirit of Christmas, and look at some traditional Christmas dishes around the world.  And since it’s the holidays, we’re not going to say that all of these are gross and must be set on fire, and instead are just focusing on Christmas meals that are…weird.

The Weirdest Christmas Dishes From Around the World

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Jackie Coogan: Uncle Fester Was Kind of a Badass

“Holy shit, I can’t believe I got killed by Uncle Fester.”

~An Actual Murderer

coogan

“Actors aren’t as tough as they used to be” sounds like a sentence you’d hear an angry old man shouting from his porch, possibly to children gliding down the sidewalk on Heelys.  But there is some truth to it.  Sure, a lot might have to do with the times we live in, but it’s easy to forget that Hollywood wasn’t always full of glamour and George Clooneys.  The Golden Age of Hollywood was pretty much fueled by animal deaths on set and carefully regimented drug cocktails forced upon strung out teenage actresses off it, and if you managed to pull through that minefield relatively successful and sane, then you had to be made of some pretty solid stuff.

We mention that because while we (correctly) look back at groundbreaking actors such as Charlie Chaplin, John Wayne, and Humphrey Bogart as visionaries and badasses, there’s one actor who probably was the toughest son of a bitch to step in front of a camera (yes, we know that list includes Danny Trejo) if for no other reason than the fact that his childhood, we’re pretty sure, was haunted.  Which probably helped him prepare for the role of Uncle Fester.

Yes, we’re going to talk about Jackie Coogan, who could totally beat you up.

Jackie Coogan:  Uncle Fester Was Kind of a Badass

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