“Mom, do you want my green stuff?”
~Matt Damon’s Actual First Line of Dialogue in a Film, Ever
Outside of winning the lottery or having a trust fund, success typically is earned through hard work and dedication. You have to start from somewhere. That’s most easily noticeable in the careers of actors, who work their way up to reach stardom and, as a result, tend to have some strange and unusual roles in their early acting days. For as much as gossip magazine try to emphasize “Stars go grocery shopping, JUST LIKE US!” they’re probably better off demonstrating that sentiment by, say, showing Ben Affleck do a Burger King commercial before he got famous. Even the actors who seemingly broke out of nowhere had to put in their dues, and that American quality for hard work is something we support, even when we go out of our way to find the most embarrassing early career film choices of famous people in order to poke fun at them.
So let’s find the most embarrassing early career film choices of famous people in order to make fun of them.
The Most Hilarious Debut Film Appearances of Famous Actors
Okay, now that’s just kicking someone when they’re down.
Posted in Strange America
Tagged Actors, America, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Benicio Del Toro, Film Debuts, Hercules, Hollywood, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Kevin Costner, Liam Neeson, Movies, Patrick Swayze, Pee Wee Herman, Sylvester Stallone
Yes, of course! Turn it into a cartoon! The kids will love it! This coke is amazing I AM INVINSIBLE!”
~Television Executives of the 80s and 90s
If there’s anything you should take away from our recent article discussing the horrendous movie sequels you didn’t know existed, it’s that nothing is sacred and artistic integrity is a lie we tell ourselves when we watch the first two Godfather movies while pretending that Sophia Coppola never acted. It’s good that we ripped that Band-Aid off quickly because things are going to get worse from here. No, we’re not going to list another set of American-Psycho-2-esque horrendous sequels.
We’re going to talk about your favorite movies turned into baffling, strange, and unnecessary Saturday Morning Cartoons.
Yes, while you were enjoying a happy childhood where your weekends were spent watching GI Joe and Doug, the powers that be decided that your favorite movies should also be cheaply animated and interspersed with commercials for Breakfast cereals. Who cares if the original material is “Rated R” or “features pee-wee hockey players, not giant duck aliens, you fucking maniac”? Cartoons are cheap to make, dammit, and it’s not like an animated series could do any more damage to the Police Academy series than Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach has done already.
Below are the list of America’s most unnecessary animated spin-offs. And holy hell, are they unnecessary.
The Most Absurd Animated Spin-Offs of Classic Movies
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged Ace Ventura, Aliens, America, animated spin-offs, animated tv shows, Beetlejuice, Dumb and Dumber, Friday, Friday: The Animated Series, Jim Carrey, Michael Winslow, Movies, Police Academy, Police Academy: The Series, Puckworld, Rambo, Rambo: The Force of Freedom, Robocop, RoboCop: Alpha Commando, RoboCop: The Animated Series, saturday morning cartoons, Steve Guttenberg, The Mask, The Mighty Ducks, The Mighty Ducks: The Animated Series, The Unpublished Novel That Haunts You
“Man, and I thought Lord of the Rings was too long…”
~American Film Critics
We like our movies like we like our sexual encounters—brief, anonymous, and preferably ending with you sobbing uncontrollably while watching Ryan Gosling kiss another woman. Whether we’re watching Nicholas Sparks play out his latest sexual fantasy of star-crossed lovers being separated for 50 years by dire circumstances only to die of cancer the day they’re supposed to meet again, or someone gave Michael Bay $150 million to be the pyrotechnic version of Bamm-Bamm Rubble, American films are the world’s primary source for laughter, entertainment, and taking a brief respite from our bleak, miserable lives to watch Brad Pitt casually eat something while pretending we’re his friend.
There was a time when epic sagas were the norm in Hollywood, which is why Ben-Hur is over three-and-a-half hours long, and also why most of us never saw Ben-Hur once we were informed that the film was 212 boobless minutes. Nowadays, we like our movies shorter, more action-packed, and Anne Hathaway naked-ier. Yes, we’ll sit through the occasional three hour opus, but that’s about as long as we’re able to physically sit still without our ADD kicking oh hey look there’s a bird. Besides, we can’t waste all our free time watching a single movie. We have things to do. There are bars literally just outside the theater, taunting us.
Yes, we know how to squeeze $200 million into a handy 90-minute package, but we’re America. We invented, perfected, and then perverted everything you know and love about modern cinema. Other countries don’t quite get the hint, which is why you see places like China making 14-hour films.
And that’s not even one of the ten longest films ever created. Since we at AFFotD are public servants, we’re going to save you the trouble of knowing which impossibly long films to avoid by listing off the ten films with the longest running time. And since we can’t imagine a world where people make day-long movies without something terrible and dark having happened in their childhood, we will also inform you what life-ruining tragedy must have happened to the countries of the world that would actually sit through these exercises in torture.
The Ten Longest Films Ever Made
Because if you’re going to stare at a movie screen for 14 hours, you’d better damn well be watching all the Die Hard movies.
Posted in England, France, Strange America, The Rest of Them
Tagged America, Andy Warhol, China, England, Finland, France, Germany, Janet Leigh, Longest Movies, Movies, Psycho, The Clock, Weiwei Ai
“I want to see whatever movie is rated ‘Um holy shit.’”
~America’s movie going audiences
America likes going to see the movies. Granted, they don’t always like going to see good movies, but movies are still seen nonetheless. Of course, we don’t want children under the age of 4 seeing dismemberments, and we really like making it hard for thirteen year olds to see large projected breasts, so the MPAA is there to put arbitrary ratings on each movie.
Obviously, each of these ratings represents a different level of American values. Because some movies like to have vegetables talk to you about Jesus, and are rated accordingly, while other’s like to say “motherfucker” while they explode the shit out of a plane. That is why we are here with a handy guide to let you know what to expect when you’re watching a film of a certain rating.
Posted in Miscellaneous America
Tagged America, Bruce Springstein, Grenada, Indiana Jones, Motion Pictures, Movies, MPAA, Rated G, Rated NC-17, Rated PG, Rated PG-13, Rated R, Titanic