Tag Archives: France

Goddamn It…France? You’re Doing It Wrong: The France Five Mini-Series

“Wait, it’s a weird low budget version of Power Rangers and it’s NOT made by Japan?  Oh, but they air it in Japan, okay that makes sense at least.”

~AFFotD’s Television Critic

 france five

We talk about Japan a lot on this site.  The simple truth of the matter is, we fear what we don’t understand, and we don’t understand raw horse meat ice cream.  So when we did bath salts with one of those homeless people that sells bootleg DVDs off an old rug in Chinatown and we woke up to find the Wikipedia page for Shin Kenjushi France Five on our tabs, we were frankly shocked that this was not an instance of “Goddamn it, Japan.”  Because the show is French and it is mindfuckingly insane.

It’s technically a mini-series of six episodes but, in what is frankly only middle-of-the-road in terms of the insanity behind this project, it was aired over the course of 13 years.  That’s right, they had a single episode a year in 2000, 2001, and 2002 before taking a year off until 2004 and releasing the last two in 2012 and 2013, because clearly the French public was clamoring for a French Five Power Rangers spoof revival.  There’s so much to take on here, and we don’t even trust ourselves to give you every delicious morsel of insanity, but we’ll do our best.  Here goes nothing.

Goddamn It…France?  You’re Doing It Wrong:  The France Five Mini-Series

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The Most Surprising Hard Rock Café Locations in the World

“I will get a Hard Rock Café shirt from EVERY location!”

~The Saddest World Traveler in the World

hard rock cafe

Hard Rock Café is a music theme restaurant chain founded in London by two Americans, which was then purchased by the Seminole Tribe of Florida in 2007 and is currently headquartered in Orlando, Florida.  It’s a relatively friendly and tourist-dominated place that you’ve very probably visited at some point in your life, though if you said you could remember what kind of food they had there you’d be lying.  It’s known for having a shitload of music memorabilia (all together, they’re responsible for the largest collection of that in the world) and for the fact that old people seem to love to buy shirts to show what cities with a Hard Rock they’ve been to.

We think that Hard Rock Café is fascinating, but not for the reasons you’d suspect.  Tricking people into overpaying for decent generic food through gimmicks is, while extremely American, not something that we find particularly novel or new.  We’ve all eaten at a TGI Fridays, after all.  No, the fascinating part of Hard Rock is that, though it was founded in England, it’s really an American export that’s happened to establish locations in a frankly surprising number of countries.  No, seriously, there are 191 Hard Rock locations (if you include hotels and casinos) in over 59 countries.  That’s insane!  So, we figured we should go through the list of locations and tell you about some of the weirdest one, because we know that when you go to exotic and strange locations, you really want to sit down and eat a whatever the fuck Hard Rock sells while looking at a guitar Elvis played for a few weeks during some practice session in 1962.

The Most Surprising Hard Rock Café Locations in the World

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The Ten Longest Films Ever Made

“Man, and I thought Lord of the Rings was too long…”

~American Film Critics

lady clock

We like our movies like we like our sexual encounters—brief, anonymous, and preferably ending with you sobbing uncontrollably while watching Ryan Gosling kiss another woman.  Whether we’re watching Nicholas Sparks play out his latest sexual fantasy of star-crossed lovers being separated for 50 years by dire circumstances only to die of cancer the day they’re supposed to meet again, or someone gave Michael Bay $150 million to be the pyrotechnic version of Bamm-Bamm Rubble, American films are the world’s primary source for laughter, entertainment, and taking a brief respite from our bleak, miserable lives to watch Brad Pitt casually eat something while pretending we’re his friend.

There was a time when epic sagas were the norm in Hollywood, which is why Ben-Hur is over three-and-a-half hours long, and also why most of us never saw Ben-Hur once we were informed that the film was 212 boobless minutes.  Nowadays, we like our movies shorter, more action-packed, and Anne Hathaway naked-ier.  Yes, we’ll sit through the occasional three hour opus, but that’s about as long as we’re able to physically sit still without our ADD kicking oh hey look there’s a bird.  Besides, we can’t waste all our free time watching a single movie.  We have things to do.  There are bars literally just outside the theater, taunting us.

Yes, we know how to squeeze $200 million into a handy 90-minute package, but we’re America.  We invented, perfected, and then perverted everything you know and love about modern cinema.  Other countries don’t quite get the hint, which is why you see places like China making 14-hour films.

And that’s not even one of the ten longest films ever created.  Since we at AFFotD are public servants, we’re going to save you the trouble of knowing which impossibly long films to avoid by listing off the ten films with the longest running time.  And since we can’t imagine a world where people make day-long movies without something terrible and dark having happened in their childhood, we will also inform you what life-ruining tragedy must have happened to the countries of the world that would actually sit through these exercises in torture.

The Ten Longest Films Ever Made

 Die hard

Because if you’re going to stare at a movie screen for 14 hours, you’d better damn well be watching all the Die Hard movies.

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Eggs Benedict: The Best American Breakfast With The Least American Name

“Well, to be fair, can you think of a breakfast food that WASN’T invented as a way to cure hangovers?”

~Hmm…you’ve got a good point there, actually

Americans developed an infatuation with breakfast as soon as it was named the most acceptable time to eat bacon.  Of course, it helps that it’s an extremely versatile meal as well.  If you’re running late in the morning, you can just put some milk on random dried grains doused in sugar, or pick up some sort of surprisingly unhealthy egg sandwich from a fast food joint.  And when it’s the weekend and you can take your time, you can create something meticulously crafted to cure every kind of hangover you can possibly imagine (for more information, buy AFFotD’s “101 Different Types Of Hangovers, And Their Cure” on Amazon.com next fall).

There are of course many staples of the American breakfast that are worth praising.  Pancakes, waffles (a.k.a. pancakes with syrup traps), bacon, omelets, all of these are delicious and, when done right, incredibly unhealthy ways to combat the fact that you drank two four lokos last night before playing flip cup with vodka cranberry at a random party before stumbling into a cab, texting your ex, and yelling at the cab driver when you erroneously assume he’s taking you the wrong way.  But arguably the best American breakfast dish that can help you momentarily forget the shame you’re feeling as you have to send off an apologetic group text the following morning remains…

Eggs Benedict:  The Best American Breakfast With The Least American Name

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Culture War 2: AFFotD Takes on France’s Only Good Idea Ever

“RAGE STROKE!”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Comparing America to France is like comparing a Filet Mignon to a country that no one likes.  There’s a reason why food critics write for different types of websites than people who are trying to teach you how to set up a compost pile.  France is a piece of shit, is what we’re trying to say.  But every once and a while, even a terrible, terrible nation like France can do something that makes us, well, envious.  And when that happens, it puts us in a psychological shame spiral that inevitably leads to driving a few cars through convenience store walls to steal massive amounts of 40s.

This is one of those times.  Stay away from any of the 7-Elevens in your neighborhood that sell liquor, because take a look at what we found that the French are selling.

IT’S A DARTH VADER BURGER WITH AN ENTIRELY BLACK BUN!  GODDAMN IT FRANCE!  IT’S ON!

IT’S ON!

Culture War 2:  AFFotD Takes on France’s Only Good Idea Ever

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The American History of Mayonnaise

“I make my own mayonnaise.  I do this either because I am pretentiously gourmet, or because I am technically too fat to fit out my door and run to the grocery store.  You decide.”

~It’s the second one

Imagine a swimming pool filled with Mayonnaise.  No, seriously, picture it.  You can’t get it out of your head now, can you?  And be honest with us- you’ve never once thought about that.   You’ve never wondered to yourself, “I wonder what it would look like if you filled a swimming pool with Mayonnaise.”  And now you can’t stop thinking about it.  That is our gift to you.

Yes Mayo is an integral part of America’s culinary tradition.  While it shockingly was not invented in America, it clearly was invented ahead of its time, since it’s a product clearly meant for America.  Come on, it’s 85% fat, and has 700 calories for every 100 grams of it.  Holy hell, that’s glorious.  So we’re going to only touch on the European-y origins of this thing, and focus on…

The American History of Mayonnaise

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[REDACTED] Live-Blogs The WWC USA vs. France Semifinal Match

“…Holy shit, this thing is popular now?  Oh no…you’re…not again…”

~[REDACTED]


When we had our notorious undercover journalist, [REDACTED], do a play-by-play commentary of the U.S. Women’s World Cup match against North Korea, we were doing it to fuck with him.  Call us sadistic bastards (God knows [REDACTED] does) but we wanted to see him squirm.  North Korea’s women looked like men.  Our women, though American and thus blessed with both outer and inner beauty, were forced to play a sport that we’re pretty sure was invented by amputees.  An average AFFotD staffer’s response to watching a soccer match is to shout, “JUST PICK IT UP WITH YOUR DAMN HANDS IT’D BE SUCH A COMPETITIVE ADVANTAGE!”  We know so little about soccer that the first time someone in the office used the word “Pelé” we honestly thought they were saying in very rudimentary terms that they wanted to pay for sex.

…Get it?  Pay lay?  See that’s the problem, we know so little about soccer that Dane Cook could conceivably write a better informed soccer joke.  Maybe.  Well, not Dane Cook, but you get the idea.

“Ha, so, like, I was having SEXUAL INTERCOURSE with a FAIR MAIDEN and something something RED CARD!”  Seriously though, remember 2007 when Dane Cook was a movie actor?  Yeah we blocked that from our memories too.+

Of course, our mockery of the Women’s World Cup totally changed this past Sunday when America decided to wow the shit out of everyone with an engaging, dramatic, and stressful shoot out victory against Brazil.  We learned a few things.  First of all, America is going to give a shit about soccer for the next week or so.  Secondly, the Women’s team is gloriously American, right down to the player who sang “Born in the USA” into a stadium microphone after scoring a goal.  And additionally, and this is important everyone, Hope Solo is incredibly attractive.  Hot athletes are a game changer.  And Hope Solo is a glorious beacon of America.

And with that, America breathes a contented sigh.

America’s ADD-riddled minds have been captivated by this spunky collection of beautiful yet powerful athletes, and goofy but endearing role players.  Women that will settle for nothing less than victory for America.  So, we locked [REDACTED] back in the TV closet to give us a running commentary on yesterday’s World Cup Semifinal match between Hope Solo and Friends Team USA and… THE FRENCH.  Goddamn French!

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Are You American Quiz Part 3: Foreign Correspondant Edition

“Even when you start accepting Canadians, you won’t let ME in?”

~Joshua “Hey, remember Dawson’s Creek, eh?” Jackson

 

As we’ve seen previously, we at the AFFotD offices have a series of checks and tests to ensure that those working for us are properly American.  And when our first American test was unable to detect the distinctive traces of maple syrup in Seth Rogan’s Canadian blood, we had to make an secondary “Are You American” quiz to root out the pretenders and, well, Canucks.  And the combination of the two tests worked extremely well, as we were able to spot and turn away Hayden “Well, he was Darth Vader, but he also was the shitty one” Christensen, Ryan Gosling, and Ryan “We get him confused with Ryan Gosling more often than we’d like to admit” Reynolds.  But then, we received a phone call that completely changed the hiring policies of the America Fun Fact of the Day in ways that still has the offices deeply divided.

Jason “Made sweet, grunty, outdoor love to Amy Smart in Crank” Statham called and asked if he could be an AFFotD foreign correspondent.  We’re pretty sure that concept is an oxymoron, but then again we don’t know what oxymoron means (…someone too dumb to breath?), but it did lead to a series of lengthy meetings.  And by meetings, we mean a 48 hour booze party.  When we woke up, we had a series of voice mails from Angelina Jolie asking for us to stop calling or she’d file a restraining order, and Statham was in our offices to thank us for accepting his application.  We don’t remember calling him, but apparently we did.  An excerpt of the voice mail message he played for us is listed below.

“Heyyyyyy Transporter 2 guy!  Hey, it’s the America Fun Fact…urp… of the Day offices here.  Tittays!  Wooo!  Hahaha, dude dude stop it, I’m calling the bald dude from those Guy Ritchie movies.  Hey, shhhhhh guys, I’m on the PHONE here, Christ.  So, listen, like, you’re not American but you do kick ass, like, you know, Americans do, it’s how we doooooooooo.  So you can’t be on the staff man, but you can be like, our British dude.  Like, the resident British dude, or yeah, what you said, the four lane Coors despondent.  Yeah.  Yeah… I’m gonna, just, like, rest my eyes for a bit…”

Forty minutes of silence followed, but the evidence was clear.  We had hired a foreign correspondent doohickey.  And really, if anyone could have swayed us, it would have been Statham.  We added Hugh Laurie to that category shortly thereafter because, dudes, Dr. House, seriously.

But in order to add the appropriate foreign correspondents, and make sure that, despite their “born in another damn country” handicaps, they still have enough American traits to at least keep us informed of the latest crazes in Deer Kickboxing, we needed to create a new, separate test.  One that could determine the Americanness of an individual who was not technically American.  It hurt our brains to think about it, but that might just be the hangover.

And here is the fruit of our labors, the “Are You American Enough To Be Called An Honorary American” Quiz.  You can keep score at home.  A– is worth 0 points, B- is worth 1 point, C- is worth 4 points, and D- is worth 5.  Here we go again.

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America’s Dumbest Lawsuits

“Listen here, if you say one more bad thing about us, we will sue your ass to the stone age.”

~France, in a letter to AFFotD

 

When we first set up the America Fun Fact of the Day offices, we installed a bell in our mail room.  The joke was supposed to be that every time we got a Cease and Desist order, or a letter threatening to sue us, we would ring the bell and everyone would cheer and applaud.  We thought it would just be the few occasional nutjobs accusing us of sending messages through microwaves into their heads.  Which, granted, we’re totally doing, but we’re pretty sure there’s nothing illegal about it, and it’s American enough that the government totally tested the shit out of that stuff back during the Cold War.  But, as it turns out, we say some fairly “controversial” shit, and “piss off a lot of people who have attorneys on retainer.”

Needless to say, that bell developed a Liberty-Bell-like crack in it after our third day of operations.  Now we just have a buzzer, and it goes off like, fifteen times a day.  It’s the reason why we had to hire a lawyer to the AFFotD ranks, a particularly odious task, since it is next to impossible to find a lawyer who is American enough to qualify for AFFotD staff membership.  We begrudgingly settled on Ray Beckerman, who spends most of his time trying to stop the RIAA from suing hardworking Americans from downloading music, which is the most American way to listen to music (well, other than blowing into a half empty whisky jug).  He’s used his expertise to help keep AFFotD running, through a combination of savvy settlements, timely court decisions, and a few instances of having Christopher Walken go to the plaintiffs and say creepy, threatening things to them.

“You should.  drop.  this……………suit”

And in the course of our occasionally “immoral” legal dealings, we have come to a realization about the legal system.  Frivolous Lawsuits are one of the more American things we can think of.  On one hand, you have the Americans trying to cheat the system to get money they don’t deserve.  We can appreciate that.  And as the recipient of numerous frivolous lawsuits, we can just insult the hell out of these pieces of shit.  See?  It lets us look down on our fellow man.  How much more American can you get?

So, in the spirit of America, and as an excuse to just eviscerate some assholes as a way to vent about our continuous legal woes, today’s fun fact is…

The Most American Frivolous Lawsuit by Asshole UnAmerican Americans.

 

All the below cases are real.

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