“Well, to be fair, can you think of a breakfast food that WASN’T invented as a way to cure hangovers?”
~Hmm…you’ve got a good point there, actually
Americans developed an infatuation with breakfast as soon as it was named the most acceptable time to eat bacon. Of course, it helps that it’s an extremely versatile meal as well. If you’re running late in the morning, you can just put some milk on random dried grains doused in sugar, or pick up some sort of surprisingly unhealthy egg sandwich from a fast food joint. And when it’s the weekend and you can take your time, you can create something meticulously crafted to cure every kind of hangover you can possibly imagine (for more information, buy AFFotD’s “101 Different Types Of Hangovers, And Their Cure” on Amazon.com next fall).
There are of course many staples of the American breakfast that are worth praising. Pancakes, waffles (a.k.a. pancakes with syrup traps), bacon, omelets, all of these are delicious and, when done right, incredibly unhealthy ways to combat the fact that you drank two four lokos last night before playing flip cup with vodka cranberry at a random party before stumbling into a cab, texting your ex, and yelling at the cab driver when you erroneously assume he’s taking you the wrong way. But arguably the best American breakfast dish that can help you momentarily forget the shame you’re feeling as you have to send off an apologetic group text the following morning remains…
Eggs Benedict: The Best American Breakfast With The Least American Name
Posted in America's Best Foods
Tagged America, Bacon, Benedict Arnold, Breakfast, Commodore E.C. Benedict, Delmonico's, Eggs Benedict, France, Hollandaise, Oscar Tschirky, Waldorf
“Coffee coffee coffee coffee?”
As we’ve described in detail earlier, America loves coffee as it is, but that doesn’t mean we’re above making it taste like insane combinations of flavors, like coconut lime jalapeno, or like black velvet cognac. Most people like coffee, because it’s a drug, but some people don’t like the taste of coffee, because it’s the bitter bi-product of forcing boiling water through burned and crushed beans. Either way, coffee is one of the things that keeps America humming like a well drugged machine (at least until they legalize Cocaine again), and the only thing more American than coffee is America’s ability to make coffee that tricks you into thinking its cake.
Because cake is delicious, but cake that wakes you up in the morning is even more delicious. And cake that wakes you up in the morning that tastes better when you pour whiskey in it is themost delicious.
(We’re assuming that the only reason why Americans drink coffee is to give them a convenient place to empty their morning flask of whiskeys.)
Anyway, once again, it’s time for AFFotD to count through…
More of America’s Strangest Coffee Flavors
“Why not just inject whiskey infused lard in me and get it over with you American bastard?”
When we asked John Goodman, AFFotD’s Food Critic and resident Dunkin’ Donut demander, what would be the most absurdly American breakfast item he could think of, he said, “Shit, I don’t know, maybe like a 14 inch pancake that’s made with a can of PBR…oh you son of a bitch, that exists doesn’t it?” You know how this game is played, of course it fucking does. When we asked him the follow up of how that can be made even more American he said, “Having an eating contest of…oh goddamn it, really?”
That is why we are here to celebrate and report on the amazing feats of this insane Tempe, Arizona restaurant with our report on the giant beer pancake that can only be finished by men in Mexican wrestling masks. Seriously.
“Como se dice OM NOM NOM”