Category Archives: American Heroes
“I came here to play harmonica and have copious amounts of affairs, and well, I just finished playing harmonica.”
When you hear the word “famous” there are a lot of words that could follow without knocking you off balance. Famous movie star? Makes sense. Famous doctor? Somewhat more rare, but not particularly shocking. Famous drunk blogger? Well now you’re just lifting lines from the vision board in our office. But if you were given a million guesses to name professions or identities that could make you famous, we’re willing to bet that “harmonica player” would not even come close to making the list. But that’s only if you’ve not heard of Larry Adler, the famed mouth organ player. (And yes, he referred to the harmonica almost exclusively as the mouth organ, and yes a part of him no doubt did this to allow for all the easy jokes that come from building a career blowing air into a thing you call a mouth organ.)
Larry Adler somehow managed to go from harmonica street performer who didn’t know how to read music to bonified international star who had affairs with famous actresses and recorded music with the likes of Elton John and Cher (as well as a bunch of people who were famous in like the 1950s but if we started this article with stuff like “oh he knew Jack Benny and worked with Dizzie Gillespie” about two thirds of our readers would lapse into an hour-long coma).
Hell, we’ve written AFFotDs for far less impressive careers. So fuck it, we’re going to talk about a harmonica player now.
Larry Adler Was Better At Harmonica Than You Are At Anything
“Wait, we found more Roosevelt kids?”
~The Writer of Teddy’s Tots
We’re not exactly shy here about our preferences when it comes to the Roosevelt presidents. We’re Team Teddy all the way. But we’re not haters on this front. We’ll readily admit that FDR did have his badass moments, and his wife Eleanor was no slouch on that front either. So while we’re not surprised that their offspring generally went ahead and did impressive things, we were pretty amazed to hear about Eleanor’s supposed “favorite son”, Elliott. To give you a sense of the Elliott Roosevelt, um, flavor, we’ll just say that we’re about 90% certain that Elliott Roosevelt is only considered her favorite son because he made that claim after she died. Strap in, you guys, this is going to be a wild one.
Now let’s take a moment to talk about the middle son of FDR who, well, let’s just say lived a colorful life.
Elliott Roosevelt Might Just Be the Most Interesting Roosevelt Not Named Teddy
“Congrats, after a full season of hard work, your team has been selected to play…The Dollar General Bowl. We’re so sorry.”
~NCAA Selection Committee
There’s a lot of money to be made in College Football. No, not by the players, that’s ridiculous. Obviously, we’re talking about the money out there for schools and the NCAA in general. Yeah, no, fuck those students, they get to go to school for free, and all it costs is spending countless hours practicing, weightlifting, and training, and then putting their bodies in peril every Saturday for three months. But again, everyone else, they’re able to get a lot of money from College Football. And nowhere is that more evident than during Bowl Game season.
This Saturday the Celebration Bowl will kick off a slate of games that, between ticket sales, sponsorships, and naming rights, exist solely as cash grabs for schools across the nation. Every team that mustered up six wins will go ahead and play each other for a bonus game of which only a handful carry any real stakes. But we’re not here to talk about the perils of the Bowl system, or about the NCAA, or anything like that. We don’t really like delving into serious matters like that. We’d much rather talk about goofy names.
So let’s talk about all of the Bowl games that have hilarious, silly names, shall we?
The Most Absurd College Bowl Game Names of 2018
“*sigh* Yeah he’ll take it.”
~Eric Roberts’ Agent
So here’s a story. The other day we were thinking about Eric Roberts. You know, the actor. Don’t ask us why. You’re gonna ask us why? We were drunk, okay? What that’s not enough explanation for you? Have you ever read our site? We once got drunk and decided it was a good idea to rate every fictional president in film history, and then this shit happened. We are not responsible adults here, okay?
Anyway, we went to Eric Robert’s IMDB page, because we may or may not be watching Sons of Anarchy and may or may not have wanted to write a joke about how shit Eric Robert’s haircut is before realizing that he’s not in that show at all, he just looks kiiiind of like Jeff Kober. Tell us we’re wrong.
Do you know what we found? Well, as you can tell by the title of this article, this dude hustles. Like, holy shit. Look at how many pending project he has on his IMDB page. We can’t even fit all of them in a screenshot, and that’s after we’ve zoomed our browser down enough that it’s blurred beyond recognition.
How do so many of these not have release dates?
So yeah. Apparently Eric Roberts, according to the internet (WHICH IS INFALLIBLE! ALL PENGUINS ARE GIRLS, THAT’S A FACT NOW) has FIVE HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN CREDITS to his name. That’s insane. You know how insane that is? When we started writing this article, that number was on 504. Then when we finished writing this article it was 514. And between writing this and posting it, it jumped up three more. We wish that was a joke.
Now if you want to feel kind of disillusioned, here’s a fun fact. Again, if we go by what the internet says (APPARENTLY ALSO SPIDERS ARE AFRAID OF BULLSEYES, THAT’S A FACT NOW, SO SAYETH THE NET) that Eric Roberts is worth about $8 million, after a highly successful acting career and literally half a thousand roles. That means each appearance he’s had behind the camera has been worth about $14,000. Which honestly? Is not bad money, but it’s not “award-nominated actor” money either. Not even close.
His sister, Julia Roberts (MAYBE YOU HAVE HEARD OF HER HMM) is worth about $140 million. Over 61 credits.
His daughter, Emma (who we confuse with Emily Rossum for some reason?) is worth $15 million. Which, lol. Do you think he’s a bit jealous of his daughter being worth twice as much as him, or is he mostly proud? Probably mostly proud, with a twinge of jealousy, right? That seems right?
Anyway, we’re going to talk about Eric Robert’s Hustle.
“Okay guys, I don’t know who decided to write this article, but I’ve doubled our whiskey rations for it. Things are about to get bleak.”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
Our Gang helped define an entire era of early Hollywood entertainment. From 1922 through 1944, the franchise, which you may know better as The Little Rascals, put out 220 short films and one film, featuring 41 child actors during that span. They remain such an important cultural touchstone that we even decided to revisit the characters in a 1994 motion picture (which, like, did only okay). But when we started looking into the actors who played iconic characters such as Spanky and Buckwheat and Alfalfa, we discovered something a little…perturbing.
That cast is haunted, guys.
Sure, snopes has weighed in on this to preemptively tell us we’re wrong. But we’re not. To prove so, we’re going to talk about the early, non-natural demises of original cast members in what promises to be our most depressing article yet. We excluded things like overdoses and people who got heart attacks in their 50s because, well, we just don’t want to write a bunch of jokes about that kind of stuff today.
But we’ll leave it to you once you’ve seen the evidence. Was the original Little Rascals cast cursed?
(Yes they fucking were.)
The Original Little Rascals Cast Was Probably Cursed?
“Unfortunately, just a little small, and not grabbing the tricks.”
For the last few weeks, our TV sets have been (largely idly, but still) tuned to the Winter Olympics, that one time every four years where dozens of nations can get together and pretend they understand advanced curling strategies. We’ve been watching because it’s our duty to root for America in the Olympics (even if we’re getting our ass handed to us by Norway) and also because the biathalon looks goofy as hell. Eeven though we don’t understand how there are so many different biathalon competitions, nor can we figure out how America is never good at that sport. We have way more guns than France, so what the hell is this Fourcade guy doing that’s so much more elite than our own athletes?
Anyway. As we’ve been watching speed skaters fall and ice dancers try very hard not to bang each other on the ice, we came across our favorite athlete of all time. While she is in fact an American, she qualified for the Olympics under the Hungarian flag on the Ladies’ Ski Halfpipe. And…like, we linked her run at the top of this article, but we’re going to link it again here, because it is the most wonderful and hilarious ski run of all time. Seriously, watch it. We’ll wait.
Holy shit, right? Like, she just…just skis up and down the halfpipe, never attempting a jump, and just…basically staying upright. And this was in the Olympics. The winning score was more than double what she was awarded! How did this happen!? Well, we’ll dive into that, and also try to piece together a general history of Elizabeth Swaney, our new favorite athlete.
Elizabeth Marian Swaney Is Our New Favorite Olympic Athlete
“Sure, this thing says I can’t vote, but where does it say I can’t just be president, then, huh?”
There are two kinds of historical figures in America; the ones we learn about at an early age in school, and the equally badass ones who just sort of linger in obscurity for a while until someone decides to write a movie about them. The latest figure in that latter category, based on the fact that Brie Larson is signed on to play her in a currently under-development movie from Amazon Studios, is Victoria Woodhull, the first woman to run for president of the United States of America. Oh, no, she didn’t come close to winning, obviously, but she still stands as an impressive, and pretty quirky, American hero that might as well be saluted in these hallowed, beer-splattered halls. So here we go.
Victoria Woodhull, the First-Ever Woman Presidential Nominee, Was Kind of Badass
A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 4- Even More Defunct Teams
“I don’t see why no one took our team seriously.”
~Owner of the Memphis Houn’Dawgs
Obviously by this point we’ve made enough jokes about the American Basketball Association that we don’t really need an intro to this article. So, sure, you might think we’ve covered it all, from the league’s history to its current and former teams. Except, remember, this is a league that has 350 teams disappear in its short history. So of course there are a lot more former teams than current teams. A lot lot more. Here are the last teams we’ve decided to make fun of in this silly, unnecessary, wonderful league.
A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 4- Even More Defunct Teams Continue reading
A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 3- The Defunct Teams
“If someone forms an ABA team, but no one watches it, does the team exist?”
~Famous ABA Proverb
We’ve posted a few articles so far telling you about the revived American Basketball Association, with its hundreds of teams and its general lawlessness. Many of you have responded, “So what, why do you care so much about this league that no one watches,” to which we say you clearly aren’t drunk enough to get it, man. But seriously, this league is hilarious, and we love it, so we’re going to continue talking about it until we run out of absurd teams to talk about.
In this particular instance, we skimmed through the 350+ teams that have formed and disbanded in the league’s 17-year history to find the ones that are particularly hilarious to us. And so we present part three of our four-part series on the new and improved (?) ABA.
A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 3- The Defunct Teams