“How does this man not have a Nobel Peace Prize?”
~Our Official Statement Regarding William A. Mitchell
America is a nation of innovation. We gave the world smart phones, microwave ovens, lasers, the internet, and the secret recipe for Coca-Cola. Not only that, we’re a nation that encourages invention. We all grew up listening to stories of Thomas Edison (though, unfortunately, he turned out to be a massive dick who once killed an elephant in order to make his rival look bad), Alexander Graham Bell, and even George Washington Carver who literally became a household name because he invented a lot of ways to use a fucking peanut. Which is why it’s frankly shocking to us that not everyone in the United States knows the works of William A. Mitchell, the food chemist for the General Foods Corporation who invented so many products that we adore today. We don’t want to give too much away, but let’s just say that this is the guy responsible for both Tang and Pop Rocks. We don’t use the hero too often around here (actually we use it all the fucking time), but those two inventions alone are enough to classify William A. Mitchell.
So we’re going to go ahead and make sure you always remember the name of the most prolific food chemist of the 20th century.
William A. Mitchell Invented All Your Favorite Trashy Food
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day, American Heroes, The Best of the Rest
Tagged America, Cool Whip, Food Chemist, Food Inventor, General Foods, Inventor, junk food, Junk Food Inventor, Pop Rocks, Pop Rocks Inventor, Tang, Tang Inventor, Trash Food, William A. Mitchell
“Dadada dada daaaa, BUMMM, dadada dada daaaa, BUMMM, dadada dadada, DUH DUH DAH DUHHH. “
~You, drunkenly, tonight
When you think of America, what comes to mind? Eating junk food? Seven layer bean dips? Drinking copious amounts of beer during a Sunday afternoon? Watching full grown men give each other concussions? Fuck yes! America! Super Bowl! FOOTBALL! FOOOTBALLLLLLLLLLL!
Today is an important day for the alcohol industry, the fledgling bacon loaf industry, and ad executives who trick companies to pay millions of dollars for usually ineffective commercials that, even when they’re good, no one remembers what they advertise. But most of all, today is important…for America.
Today is Super Bowl We-Don’t-Know-What-Roman-Numerals-Mean-Because-I-Mean-Come-On-This-Is-America-Get-Your-Head-Out-Of-Your-Ass,-NFL. Two teams that have names that have been used as insults to people face off, the Robbers versus the Homosexual Innuendos. So to honor these teams, which have a combined 9 Premature Death Trophies between them, America Fun Fact of the Day is here to give you a comprehensive history of the Super Bowl and this year’s contenders of the number one reason for hangover induced sick days of the year.
This is the look of two people who did not remember anything after the first quarter of the previous day’s game. On the plus side, that means they missed having to see the Black Eyed Peas.
Posted in Miscellaneous America
Tagged Aaron Rodgers, America, Bacon Loaf, Ben Roethlisberger, Clay Matthews, Football, Green Bay Packers, Hangover, junk food, Pittsburgh Steelers, Super Bowl, Teddy Roosevelt, Troy Palamanu