The Worst Crimes Against Food McDonald’s Has Ever Committed

♫Ba da ba da daaa, send it to hell♫”

~Rejected Mcdonald’s Slogan

mcdonalds

It’s easy to make fun of McDonald’s, and in fact many most people who get mad when we make fun of their country (so pretty much every non-American) points out McDonald’s and its fast food brethren as some sort of dark stain on our American legacy.  “Don’t tell us our terrifying eel pies are gross when you all get fat on your Big Macs,” angry British people say because they lack the proper brain function to realize that the British dish in question is what a fucking nightmare looks like.  And sure, McDonald’s is not exactly “healthy” or “something you want to eat every day if you want to live very long,” but it also just hits the fucking spot sometimes, and there’s a reason why McDonald’s is popular enough to thrive in over 100 countries.

So yes, McDonald’s is good, don’t @ us.  But McDonald’s also is constantly changing its menu, and change is not always good.  So instead of writing an article about the best food items you can get at McDonald’s, which would mostly be our editor-in-chief trying to defend his Actually Bad belief that the Filet-o-Fish is their best sandwich, we’re going to talk about the times where McDonald’s really fucked up.  Because we find those funny, and also because thank God we don’t have to eat them.  So here’s a list of food items that would totally justify every angry Latvian’s criticism of our culture.

The Worst Crimes Against Food McDonald’s Has Ever Committed

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The Transpotimers: A Bitcoin-Adjacent Time Travel Company Specializing in Science Fiction Literature, Memes, and Song Parodies (Our Title Writer Just Had a Stroke)

“Step one, write a book. Step two, post some memes. Step three, make an wireless coin.  Step four, ?.  Step five, invent time travel.”

~Roberto TM

 roberto tm

The internet is a nebulous, scary place. When it’s not bringing people to this site who are OUTRAGED at Americans making fun of Latvian food, it’s letting people create websites devoted to theories and thoughts that would normally be relegated to the ranting screams of a Subway station hobo.  Of course, when the internet finds a way to get REALLY crazy, we’re there to document the insanity.  And sometimes, the insanity finds out about it and threatens us.  We don’t anticipate that level of vitriol to come from this article, but we probably will lose our space on our time travel bus.

Yes, time travel bus.

Just, okay guys, hold onto your fucking dicks (that goes double for our lady readers) because this is going to get bananas.

The Transpotimers: A Bitcoin-Adjacent Time Travel Company Specializing in Science Fiction Literature, Memes, and Song Parodies (Our Title Writer Just Had a Stroke)

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Best Sriracha-Flavored Products

“Teaching Americans to stop being pansies about spicy food since 1980”

~Huy Fong Foods Slogan

 sriarcha

Sriracha hot sauce is basically an elixir.  It tastes good on just about anything, and the American culinary experience has improved vastly now that a bunch of restaurants have realized that it’s better to have a bottle of the stuff on their table than boring old ketchup.  Now, sriracha is considered a generic term, but let’s be honest, it’s the chili sauce that you get from Huy Fong Foods, which was founded in 1980 in America by David Tran, a Vietnamese-American immigrant who mastered his chili sauce recipe while living in Vietnam.  When the Vietnamese government began cracking down on ethnic Chinese living in south Vietnam (rude), he hopped on a freighter with three thousand refugees to make his way to America.  That freighter, Huey Fong, would end up inspiring the name of his ship when, two year, he began his hot sauce company.

The sauce was first only available at Asian restaurants in Chinatown, Los Angeles, but sales grew due to word of mouth, since it’s basically crack in a bottle.  By 2009, it had gone mainstream, and by 2012 they were selling over 20 million bottles a year.  In that time, it has come and gone as a food fad, but in its remains are the fact that, now, you can get almost anything in a Sriracha flavor.  And a lot of those things are good.  We’re going to tell you about some good things now.

Best Sriracha-Flavored Products

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The Most Ridiculous News Stories Involving Bacon

“Bacon is good for me.”

~A Genius

bacon

Bacon went viral a few years back, which was very strange since bacon pretty much always is viral, because bacon is delicious.  Bacon is one of those foods that have taken active years off people’s lives, and they’ve sat there, greasy on and sweating on their death bed, and said, “Worth it.”  Saying “I love bacon” in America is like saying “I am freedom” or “I like the last season of Breaking Bad”- everyone just assumes that’s the case unless you say otherwise, at which point everyone looks at you funny because something is broken inside of you.

But like most things that people crave, bacon can drive people to do some dumb things.  And sometimes, those dumb things appear in the news.  So we’re not here to tell you about what bacon is good, and what bacon dishes are insane.  No, we’re going to tell you about what things are ridiculous that have been done that somehow involve bacon.  Strap in for a wild ride, because you’re about to get a whole face full of pure America “wtf-ness.”

The Most Ridiculous News Stories Involving Bacon

okay there guy

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The Crash At Crush: That One Time We Established a City So We Could Smash Two Trains Together

“Smashy Smashy”

~William George Crush

crush

The only person who loves staging a pointless, violent spectacle out of sheer boredom more than an American is an American in the 19th century.  We’re talking about a population that actually gathered around to look at re-assembled trees for entertainment.  They probably needed the Internet more than any other population in American history.  You know how bad it was back then?  Someone said “let’s set up a fake city just so we can crash to trains into each other really fast and invite everyone to watch it” and 40,000 people said, “That is badass!”

Actually, come to think of it, that is pretty badass.  Well, until everything exploded.  We’ll get to that in a bit.

The Crash At Crush: That One Time We Established a City So We Could Smash Two Trains Together

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Dumb and Funny Initial Statements Made To An Arresting Officer

“I’m not as officer as you drunk I am, vomit.”

~Initial Statement Made By An AFFotD Staffer to His Arresting Officer

 stormtrooper

Most of us will go through our lives without having to feel the cold steel of handcuffs on our wrists outside of sexually adventurous situations. The rest of us, disproportionately made up of our nation’s finer drinkers, have felt that feeling because we’ve been arrested.  Deserved or not, any time you’re arrested it’s fair to say it’s not one of your better days.  However, most of us in that situation do either one of two things—the calm and rational of us just shut up and wait till they can get legal representation to sort that shit out, and the more hot headed of us lose their shit and make things worse.  However, there is a third category.

Some of us, when we meet an arresting officer, say something idiotic, yet hilarious.  This is about those Americans.

Dumb and Funny Initial Statements Made To An Arresting Officer

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The History of Fried Pickles

“What?  They fry PICKLES now?  What’ll they think of next!”

~Bar Patrons In, Like, 2001

 pickles

People from other countries like to make fun of America for frying all their food, but that’s like making fun of someone for having a hot wife.  Oh, what’s that, French tourists, all of our food is fried, making it taste a million times better?  Real sick burn there, froggy!  Yes, we fry everything, because yes, everything tastes better fried.  We’ve gone over this in pretty exhaustive detail, so there’s no need to rehash things here.

Now, if you’re anything like our staff, you’re drunk right now, maybe take a bit of a nap to sleep things off and get back to this article in a few hours.  But also, you eat lots of fried food, especially bar fried food.  You have probably ordered many a chicken strip, mozzarella stick, or even fried mushroom if you’re into that sort of thing while downing a high gravity pint.  But for our readers who don’t reside in the Southern area of our nation, the last fifteen years or so has brought a relatively novel fried item to many of your bar menus.

Fried pickles.  It’s that dish that (again, for you southerners, you all grew up with these) at first blush seems strange.  “Wait, so like…a dill pickle?  Fried?” many a Yankee has mumbled while looking over the menu at the Wood-n-Tap.  Yes, pickles, deep fried.  You’ll order them for the novelty, but be surprised to find they’re delicious.  Juicy and bursting, salty and greasy, it’s the best kind of bar appetizer because it’s truly awful for you, but you can technically say you’ve eaten your vegetables that day.  Gaming the system.

So with that in mind, we’re going to take a moment to tell you about the history of fried pickles, because now we get to list all of our bar tabs as tax write-offs.

The History of Fried Pickles

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Three of the Oldest Trees of All Time (Were Killed by Americans)

“Fuck Nature.”

~AFFotD Credo

 burning tree

We, as in America, as a nation, are dicks to trees.  It’s totally their fault, standing there all majestic and in our way.  Not even moving when they see fires.  Trees are dumbasses, and we shouldn’t mourn them.  That’s at least what we tell ourselves, to make us feel better about that whole “we are dicks to trees” thing.

So how much of dicks are we to trees?  Well, the oldest known tree lives in the White Mountains.  It was measured by Tom Harlan, a researcher at the Laboratory of Tree-Ring Research at the University of Arizona, in 2012.  That tree is, as of the writing of this article, 5,066 years old.  And we are such dicks to trees that, out of fear that we’d destroy it out of pure delightful spite, Harlan straight up wouldn’t tell anyone where it was.  And guess what?  Harlan died the following year, possibly taking his secret to his grave (okay realistically it was recorded at the Laboratory of Tree-Ring Research, but it feels cooler to pretend that this 5,000 year old tree is hidden in a random forest like nature’s Ark of the Covenant).  There is a non-zero chance that this tree has since been killed by some dumbass hiker, or some man-made forest fire, because this is America dammit, and we’re real good at killing things.

No, seriously.  Three of the oldest trees to have ever graced this planet since the dawn of man have been destroyed by good old American know-how.  Let’s talk about dead trees.

Three of the Oldest Trees of All Time (Were Killed by Americans)

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The Informative America’s Guide to Child-Rearing (Originally Published June, 1952)

“Hahaha, Jesus, how did anyone survive the 50s?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

 los ninos

We haven’t always been known as America Fun Fact of the Day.  In fact, we haven’t always been a strictly online medium.  No, back in the 1950s, we published a series of newsletters, entitled “The Informative American.”  Every once and a while, to go back to our roots, we re-publish some of these old articles, which prove that while our tastes in whiskey hasn’t changed much, just about everything else has.   The 50s were insane, is basically what we’re saying.

Anyway, we bring this up because we saw the publication of a book by Chris Wild called The Retronaut Guide to Raising Children, and noticed that the pictures inside looked awfully familiar.  And that’s because they were.  We had posted the very same pictures back in 1952 in one of our Informative American articles.  So, with an explicit warning that our staff was horrifically offensive by today’s standards back in the day, and possibly struggling with some personal demons regarding their own married lives, here is that post, terrifyingly unedited.  Enjoy.

The Informative America’s Guide to Child-Rearing (Originally Published June, 1951)

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The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Estonia

“Oh…oh no.  It’s another Russia-bordering country.  This is going to be so sad.”

~AFFotD’s Resident Food Critic

estonia

We know America does food better than any other country, primarily because when other countries make good things, we just steal it ourselves and make it bigger and better.  We didn’t invent pizza, but have you had pizza in Italy?  Our staff has.  It’s, like, fine.  America does it much better, with a few notable exceptions.  Now, there are other countries that have great food as well (Italy’s still got us beat in the pasta game , for example).  And there are countries that have bad food.  But we don’t care about any of those countries.  No, we take interest in countries whose food is not just generally bad, but wholeheartedly depressing in ways that cling to your soul.  We don’t know what caused our fascination with nations whose recipe books come pre-streaked with tears, but we’re not going to stop now.  Our latest nation with food that makes us so, so sad?  The small Russia-adjacent nation of Estonia.  Strap in, this is going to be a doozy.

The World’s Saddest Cuisines:  Estonia

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