8 of the Most Ridiculous Items for Sale on Goop.com

“Okay, we need a joke for the header about Goop.  Like, something like, what does Goop rhyme with?  Oh, got it!  Goop?  More like….. STOOPid.  More like stupid.  Perfect, put it in the article, I’m so drunk right now.”

~AFFotD

goop

America, let’s talk about Goop.  Like, you all know what it is—the lifestyle brand run by Gwyneth Paltrow that’s kind of extra?  We’ve not really covered it here (in fact we’ve not once talked about it in the seven and a half years of this website’s existence) because, well, it’s a bit much, isn’t it?  The name, the snake oil salesman tactics, the prices, oh God, the prices.   It’s all just so very extra.

But hey, for better or for worse, Goop is a part of American culture.  Granted, it’s a very specific type of independently wealthy coastal woman in her 30’s culture, but a culture nonetheless.  So we’ll give Goop it’s due in the only way we can think of.

8 of the Most Ridiculous Items for Sale on Goop.com

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AFFotD’s Official 2017 Christmas Gift Guide

“Merry Christmas, here’s an iTunes gift card that still has like seven bucks left on it, and a bunch of scratch off tickets. By the way, if any of those lotto numbers hit, I get 50% of the winnings, that’s the law.”

~Your Stepdad

christmas

We were about to post an article about drunk presidents because, you know, that’s how we do, when we had the sudden realization that Christmas is only five days away. And like many of you reading this who love America but also whiskey but also maybe whiskey just a bit too much, this might come as shocking news, as you have not started your Christmas shopping yet. It’s okay, you’re not alone, but if you’re going to be lazy about when you go out to get gifts, you probably can’t get away with being lazy and just buying a bunch of gift cards.

That is why we’ve decided to bring up a few of the more popular gifts being given this Christmas to let you know if it’s a viable gift for that special person in your life.  Consider this our Christmas gift to you.  Because, um, otherwise, we didn’t get you anything yet.  We kind of waited till the last minute, and assumed this would be enough?

AFFotD’s Official 2017 Christmas Gift Guide

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Aritcley McArticleface: An Incomplete List of Things Named Blanky McBlankface

“Haha McJokeyface, amiright?”

~Like, The Worst Stand-Up Comic

boaty mcboatface

Pretty much the whole world remembers the time in 2016 that the British government got the brilliant notion to crowdsource the internet to name their new $287 million polar research ship, and the internet, being the internet, overwhelmingly went with “Boaty McBoatface.”  It was a silly, goofy, harmless little internet prank that has since spiraled a bit out of control, since now everything that exists in the world falls into two camps—things named “Something McSomethingface” and things that people overwhelmingly voted to be named “Something McSomethingface” before the powers that be stepped in and said, “No we’re not doing that, that’s stupid.”

Our official stance on this phenomenon is, sure it’s getting kind of old, but it’s funny and stupid, and we thrive on funny and stupid, so we’re all for it.  In fact, as our service to the internet, we’re going to look for anything we can find that has some sort of Blanky McBlankface name, and put it here in one continuously edited article, so you too can see how much free time our staff has on their hands.  And yes, we will be maintaining this—if at any point we come across a new vehicle or animal or thing that actually got named some version of Boaty McBoatface, we will add it here.  And if you, our loyal readers, find something, feel free to leave it in the comments, or email it to us at americafunfact@gmail.com.

Now, before we begin, a few ground rules.   No, we won’t include items that won a fan vote but weren’t ever used, like that time people tried to name a school Schoolie McSchoolface.  And we won’t be listing dumb pranks like SoccerCity SD purposefully having people vote to name their MLS team Footy McFooty Face.  And we definitely will try to avoid posting fake news names, like the story that never actually happened about the Chinese Gorilla named Harambe McHarambeface.  Will some fake ones make this list accidentally?  Eh, probably, we’ll do our best to minimize that but it’s not exactly going to cause us to lose sleep at night.  And finally, we won’t be including people’s Twitter handles or fake Facebook profiles, even if that means that we have to unfortunately leave the guy with the screenname “Racist McShootFace” who bid $65 million for George Zimmerman’s gun off our list.

But otherwise, anything goes, including pets, drawings, and a whole bunch of stuff that we will be pissed off for agreeing to chronicle two years down the line.

Aritcley McArticleface: An Incomplete List of Things Named Blanky McBlankface

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The Five Sketchiest Energy Drinks You Can Actually Buy

“HOW IS THIS LEGAL I CAN’T FEEL MY FINGERS.”

~Off-Market Energy Drink Customers

steven segal energy drink

For decades, centuries really, we have relied on coffee to wake us up in the morning and keep us going into the night.  Well, sure, there’s cocaine if you really wanna party, but as far as boosts of caffeine would go, we pretty much had coffee and, to a lesser extent tea.  If you didn’t like how that tasted, that was fine, you could fill it to the brim with all the sugar and cream your overworked heart could take.  Sure, you had your Cokes and Pepsis, or even your Mountain Dews if you’re a gamer, but for many years we didn’t really have a lot of ways to completely lose your mind on dangerous amounts of caffeine until the 90’s and 00’s brought us Energy Drinks.  Red Bull, 5 Hour Energy, Rockstar, all of these companies sprung up to create a beverage that answered the question, “What if I wanted like, 6 cups of coffee, but I also hate the flavor of coffee, and would like to mix it with vodka.”

Now, granted, in most cases, energy drinks actually have less caffeine than coffee, but they also have a whole bunch of other stuff like taurine which, because it rhymes with caffeine, we just roll with the claim of “oh it’s like, super caffeine” and move on with our lives.  And at the end of the day, energy drinks feel appropriate to have during a night out, while coffee still feels like something you drink at work.  Also, again, you can mix it with vodka so, you know, that at least to us explains their popularity.

And Energy drinks are big business.  Red Bull makes over $4 billion a year, and even Amp, the energy drink you have only seen in rural town gas stations, brings in hundreds of millions in sales.  And while you might think that all Energy Drinks are just caffeine delivery systems that taste like stale smarties candies, we’d actually have to disagree.  There are some energy drinks that are so much worse.  As in, baffling they exist.  As in, probably glow in the dark?

Let’s talk about some of the sketchiest energy drinks on the market today.  Yes, you can buy these.  But you shouldn’t, unless you want to grow a third eye or something.

The Five Sketchiest Energy Drinks You Can Actually Buy

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Victoria Woodhull, the First-Ever Woman Presidential Nominee, Was Kind of Badass

“Sure, this thing says I can’t vote, but where does it say I can’t just be president, then, huh?”

~Victoria Woodhull

victora woodhall

There are two kinds of historical figures in America; the ones we learn about at an early age in school, and the equally badass ones who just sort of linger in obscurity for a while until someone decides to write a movie about them.  The latest figure in that latter category, based on the fact that Brie Larson is signed on to play her in a currently under-development movie from Amazon Studios, is Victoria Woodhull, the first woman to run for president of the United States of America.  Oh, no, she didn’t come close to winning, obviously, but she still stands as an impressive, and pretty quirky, American hero that might as well be saluted in these hallowed, beer-splattered halls.  So here we go.

Victoria Woodhull, the First-Ever Woman Presidential Nominee, Was Kind of Badass

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The Most Popular Baby Names For American Boys in 2017 (Are So, So Stupid)

“Wait…there were more babies named Paxton than Edward this year? That…that seems…what?”

~AFFotD Staffers Trying to Make Sense of 2017’s Most Popular Baby Names

ridiculous names

Nothing makes you sound like a cranky old-timer more than complaining about the ridiculous names parents are giving their kids nowadays, so here’s an article where we complain about the ridiculous names parents are giving their kids nowadays.  Now, most of our staffers are Millennials, so we can understand the desire to be “unique” when giving a permanent moniker for a living human being, but really, we need to cut this shit out.  American names are becoming embarrassing.

So we decided to go through a list of the most popular baby names for boys in America in 2017 as of this writing (November, 2017) as listed by babycenter.com.  Now, it seems like we don’t have exact numbers on the most popular names yet, since there are about a dozen baby sites that claim to have their own accurate ranking, but this ranking is close enough that we can drive home our conclusion—there are a lot of babies out there with stupid-as-shit names.  Stop doing this, parents!  America is going to spend their grade school years in so many headlocks.

But anyway, here is a list of names that are currently more popular in America than good, normal, American names.  May God have mercy on our souls.

The Most Popular Baby Names For American Boys in 2017 (Are So, So Stupid)

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The Six Worst Presidential Haircuts of All Time

“Mirror?  What’s that?”

~These Six Presidents

presidential seal

We talk about presidents a lot on this website, which now that we say it out loud shouldn’t be all that surprising for a website called America Fun Fact of the Day.  We tend to judge our history through the wars we fight and the men who lead us, so naturally the only patriotic thing to do is to document that history with articles about the goofiest pictures of American presidents, or about how drunk they get.  Okay so maybe we’re not writing the most important articles about our past.  Or maybe we are.

We’re definitely not.  Here are the six American presidents who had the worst hairstyles of all time.  We regret nothing.

The Six Worst Presidential Haircuts of All Time

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Worst Sexy Costumes (With Hilarious Generic Names)

“I’d tell you what I’m dressed up as, but Disney’s got some powerful lawyers.”

~Women Wearing Sexy Character Costumes, Apparently

sexy game of thrones

“Many adult women wear sexy Halloween costumes” is the kind of hot take you’d expect to hear from a middling stand-up comic in 2002, and we’ve covered the topic in our oh-so-subtle way years back, but whatever, the “sexy costume” industry thrives during Halloween, even though realistically you end up seeing like, ten women wearing the costumes, tops, each year.  That said, each year, sites such as yandy.com come out with hundreds of costumes that mostly consist of “swimsuits with something drawn on it” or “like, let’s take a normal costume, and then cut away the midsection,” so there’s got to be a market for this kind of stuff.

Now, in the sexy costume industry, which we guess weirdly serves as a metaphor for America now that we think about it, the easiest way to make money is to profit on things that are already popular.  But in doing that, you often have to face that other great American export that is “bloodthirsty corporate lawyers,” which means that if you really want to sell a costume you may have to change your costume name so as to not get sued into bankruptcy.  So, while you might want to dress up as a “sexy Spock” (but, like, why?) you’ll probably need to look for something along the lines of a “sexy pointy-eared alien.”  You get the idea.  It’s dumb, but also kind of funny in a ridiculous way.

No, seriously, these names, we can’t get enough of them.  Here are some of the dumbest sexy costumes, and what they’re called.  We love Halloween so much.

Worst Sexy Costumes (With Hilarious Generic Names)

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America’s Most Absurd Themed Cruises

“Thousands of dollars to be trapped at sea on a potentially-stomach-virus-ridden boat filled with obnoxious strangers?  No thank y…wait what’s that about open bar and all-you-can-eat buffets?  I’m fucking in.”

~Cruise Liner Customers

cruise ship

We all have either been on a cruise ship, or know someone who has.  It’s one of those vacations that feels fancy, in terms of cost and luxury, while also feeling kind of middle class, because rich people have their own boats, so it’s the rest of us who have to save up all year for a week of getting shitfaced on the ocean.  The average cruise enthusiast, and yes there are people who only vacation on cruise ships, is like, a mildly overweight but overall healthy middle-aged couple from suburban Texas named Pam and Ron who laugh very loudly at every joke, immediately befriend people waiting in lines with them, and who have a shared Facebook profile.  Like, there is a very specific kind of person who is really into cruises, and we totally support that person, they’re fun to talk to and every year they go on a cruise and make like, 20 lifelong friends, and that’s great.  But, if you’re anything like us, you’d assume that the cruise market is like, big but not huge.  There can only be so much demand for being crammed in a windowless room on a boat for like, $4,000 a week.  Right?

Wrong.  The cruise industry is huge.  Like, holy shit, 20 million people go on cruises every year.  It’s a $38 billion dollar industry that employs over 300,000 Americans.  It’s big business, apparently!  Enough people have been going on cruises for so long that newcomers to the industry have to find a way to separate themselves from the rest of the pack, and find niche customers outside of the general “we like to go on cruises everywhere” crowd (hi Pam, hi Ron, yes we did see that post of your daughter graduating high school, congratulations).  And so theme cruises burst on the scene, and have been growing in popularity exponentially in recent years.

You know what we’re talking about.  It’s a cruise to somewhere exotic and warm, but with special events that are related on a basic theme.  That theme could be a singles cruise, it could be a Star Trek cruise (also known as a singles cruise), or it might just be a cruise ship where you get to party with Kid Rock.  And while you might have heard about a few of the sillier sounding ones, like the Gronk cruise, you’d be shocked to know the sheer amount of theme cruises available, with all sorts of weird themes. Like, did you know there are an insane amount of scrapbook cruises?  One scrapbook themed cruise should be enough to facilitate everyone in the middle of the Venn diagram of “likes cruises” and “is way into scrapbooking” but apparently not.  And these aren’t even the most absurd themed cruises out there.  We could show you all sorts of crazy ones.

Oh what’s that?  You’d like us to do that?  Oh, okay then, sure.

America’s Most Absurd Themed Cruises

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America’s Drunkest Presidents: Martin Van Buren

“If you’re asking if I’d rather be president or not get drunk I think you damn well know the answer to that.”

~Martin Van Buren

martin van buren

All presidents drink…well, okay, except for the last two Republican presidents we’ve had, which, like, that’s a really weird random thing, right?  Like, “the last two teetotaler presidents we’ve had were Donald Trump and George W. Bush, that’s a weird fact.”  But anyway, before we invite all the Pepes of the internet into our comments section, let’s just talk about how most presidents like to get drunk every now and then, and some of them are spectacular at it.  We’ve already told you about George Washington (just, top notch president, and impressive drinker) and James Buchanan (like, he was to the United States Presidency what a trenchcoat full of cottonmouth snakes would be to the Au Pair in America, but he was also a superhuman drinker.  Hmm maybe those two were related.)

But that brings us to our next drunk president, Martin Van Buren, who was… okay well, also a shitty president, but he was a shitty president that could drink, and apparently viewed personal grooming the way an “already drunk at 6 in the morning, or maybe still drunk from last night at 6 in the morning” kind of person would.  Seriously, look at that picture at the top of this article.  Like, dude, there are like three pictures of you in existence, you couldn’t find anyone who had a fucking comb?

But anyway, this is not the space for us to make fun of Martin Van Buren’s hairstyle (but look forward to our article “The 5 Presidents With The Worst Haircuts in American History” which, like, we actually have in the can) but rather to talk about his impressive ability to just, drink and get shitty.  And here we go!

America’s Drunkest Presidents:  Martin Van Buren

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