America’s Drunkest Presidents: George Washington

“Listen, it’s the 18th century, you’d drink to chase the boredom too.”

~George Washington

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America loves drinking so much that a bunch of people set us aside and said, “America, we think you may have a problem,” and actively banned the entire nation from drinking booze.  And our response to that was to say, “In the entire history of our nation, we have never repealed an amendment.  Until now, GIVE US BACK OUR BOOZE YOU ASSHATS.”  That’s history to be proud of, and it’s no surprise that many of the greatest figures behind this, the greatest country in the world, are also some of history’s greatest drinkers.

That is why it is our duty, and frankly our pleasure, to introduce the latest running series to America Fun Fact of the Day.  Welcome to America’s Drunkest Presidents, where we look at the drinking habits of our greatest presidents and tell you which ones were the drunkest.  This is important work we’re doing here.  This is God’s work.  One nation under God.  One nation under drunk.  Like, like the, you know.  Like the Pledge of Allegiance?  Only,   Okay, cards on the table, we’re pretty soused right now.

Let’s start with our first president, who spent more money on booze in a year than most people do in a decade.

America’s Drunkest Presidents:  George Washington

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A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 4- Even More Defunct Teams

“I don’t see why no one took our team seriously.”

~Owner of the Memphis Houn’Dawgs

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Obviously by this point we’ve made enough jokes about the American Basketball Association that we don’t really need an intro to this article.  So, sure, you might think we’ve covered it all, from the league’s history to its current and former teams.  Except, remember, this is a league that has 350 teams disappear in its short history.  So of course there are a lot more former teams than current teams.  A lot lot more.  Here are the last teams we’ve decided to make fun of in this silly, unnecessary, wonderful league. 

A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 4- Even More Defunct Teams  Continue reading

A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 3- The Defunct Teams

“If someone forms an ABA team, but no one watches it, does the team exist?”

~Famous ABA Proverb

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We’ve posted a few articles so far telling you about the revived American Basketball Association, with its hundreds of teams and its general lawlessness.  Many of you have responded, “So what, why do you care so much about this league that no one watches,” to which we say you clearly aren’t drunk enough to get it, man.  But seriously, this league is hilarious, and we love it, so we’re going to continue talking about it until we run out of absurd teams to talk about.

In this particular instance, we skimmed through the 350+ teams that have formed and disbanded in the league’s 17-year history to find the ones that are particularly hilarious to us.  And so we present part three of our four-part series on the new and improved (?) ABA.

A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 3- The Defunct Teams

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thelastlineofdefense.org’s Christopher Blair, Indefensible Lies, and the Dangers of Fake News

“Can I see your report, by the way? I definitely need some masturbation material.”

~Christopher Blair, founder and sole writer for lastelineofdefense.org, in an email to AFFotD’s Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt, directly asking about this article

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thelastlineofdefense.org’s Christopher Blair, Indefensible Lies, and the Sickness of Fake News
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A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 2- The Teams

“I’m on the DMV Warriors. Yeah, I know.”

~ABA Basketball Players

aba patch

Last week we went over the history of the second iteration of the American Basketball Association, or ABA, which so far has not given us a player like Moses Malone, but has had thousands upon thousands of people play in it since its 2000 inauguration simply due to the fact that over 350 teams have shuttered in the league’s relatively brief history. Though comically enough, this iteration of the ABA has already lasted a good eight years longer than its predecessor. Lol.

So far, we’ve already talked about the league, with its “so hands off it practically does not exist” management style and it’s “wait you potentially can score a 5-point field goal?” rule set. Now we’re going to take a step back and look at the beating heart of the league. The teams themselves.

A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 2- The Teams

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The Difference Between Satire and Hate

A bullshit message from our bullshit Editor-in-Chief

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A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 1- The League

“Cool, I own a semi-pro basketball team!  Oh wait, nevermind…”

~ABA Team Owner

 aba logo

The American Basketball Association, or ABA, was a major professional league that competed against the NBA until the two leagues merged in 1976.  The American Basketball Association, or ABA, is also a semi-pro basketball minor league founded in the year 2000 that is, just, lol.  These are very different leagues.  Now, yes, the new ABA was co-founded by Richard Tinkham, one of the co-founders of the original American Basketball Association, and sure, they pay players to play basketball, but otherwise, the similarities stop there. Since its founding, the new and not-really-improved ABA has weathered an NBA lawsuit and the folding of over 350 teams, which is a success rate that you’d expect more from open heart surgery in the 19th century than  from viable semi-professional sport franchises.

But this weird, unique, American Basketball Association, for all its nuances, is truly America at its finest. It’s democratic, letting just about any asshole buy their own basketball team…which they often do.  It’s also unlike anything we’ve ever seen before in semi-pro leagues, and we say that as a website that has written multiple articles about the myriad of indoor football leagues in our fine nation.

But this one is going to take a bit longer to unpack.  Four articles, in fact.  One to tell you about the league.  One to tell you about the teams.  And two to tell you about the comically ridiculous teams that tried, and failed, to become successful franchises in the ABA.  Because, oh boy, there are a lot of those.  A lot.  Let’s dive in to the most insane basketball league ever invented.

A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 1- The League

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The Worst Crimes Against Food McDonald’s Has Ever Committed

♫Ba da ba da daaa, send it to hell♫”

~Rejected Mcdonald’s Slogan

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It’s easy to make fun of McDonald’s, and in fact many most people who get mad when we make fun of their country (so pretty much every non-American) points out McDonald’s and its fast food brethren as some sort of dark stain on our American legacy.  “Don’t tell us our terrifying eel pies are gross when you all get fat on your Big Macs,” angry British people say because they lack the proper brain function to realize that the British dish in question is what a fucking nightmare looks like.  And sure, McDonald’s is not exactly “healthy” or “something you want to eat every day if you want to live very long,” but it also just hits the fucking spot sometimes, and there’s a reason why McDonald’s is popular enough to thrive in over 100 countries.

So yes, McDonald’s is good, don’t @ us.  But McDonald’s also is constantly changing its menu, and change is not always good.  So instead of writing an article about the best food items you can get at McDonald’s, which would mostly be our editor-in-chief trying to defend his Actually Bad belief that the Filet-o-Fish is their best sandwich, we’re going to talk about the times where McDonald’s really fucked up.  Because we find those funny, and also because thank God we don’t have to eat them.  So here’s a list of food items that would totally justify every angry Latvian’s criticism of our culture.

The Worst Crimes Against Food McDonald’s Has Ever Committed

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The Transpotimers: A Bitcoin-Adjacent Time Travel Company Specializing in Science Fiction Literature, Memes, and Song Parodies (Our Title Writer Just Had a Stroke)

“Step one, write a book. Step two, post some memes. Step three, make an wireless coin.  Step four, ?.  Step five, invent time travel.”

~Roberto TM

 roberto tm

The internet is a nebulous, scary place. When it’s not bringing people to this site who are OUTRAGED at Americans making fun of Latvian food, it’s letting people create websites devoted to theories and thoughts that would normally be relegated to the ranting screams of a Subway station hobo.  Of course, when the internet finds a way to get REALLY crazy, we’re there to document the insanity.  And sometimes, the insanity finds out about it and threatens us.  We don’t anticipate that level of vitriol to come from this article, but we probably will lose our space on our time travel bus.

Yes, time travel bus.

Just, okay guys, hold onto your fucking dicks (that goes double for our lady readers) because this is going to get bananas.

The Transpotimers: A Bitcoin-Adjacent Time Travel Company Specializing in Science Fiction Literature, Memes, and Song Parodies (Our Title Writer Just Had a Stroke)

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Best Sriracha-Flavored Products

“Teaching Americans to stop being pansies about spicy food since 1980”

~Huy Fong Foods Slogan

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Sriracha hot sauce is basically an elixir.  It tastes good on just about anything, and the American culinary experience has improved vastly now that a bunch of restaurants have realized that it’s better to have a bottle of the stuff on their table than boring old ketchup.  Now, sriracha is considered a generic term, but let’s be honest, it’s the chili sauce that you get from Huy Fong Foods, which was founded in 1980 in America by David Tran, a Vietnamese-American immigrant who mastered his chili sauce recipe while living in Vietnam.  When the Vietnamese government began cracking down on ethnic Chinese living in south Vietnam (rude), he hopped on a freighter with three thousand refugees to make his way to America.  That freighter, Huey Fong, would end up inspiring the name of his ship when, two year, he began his hot sauce company.

The sauce was first only available at Asian restaurants in Chinatown, Los Angeles, but sales grew due to word of mouth, since it’s basically crack in a bottle.  By 2009, it had gone mainstream, and by 2012 they were selling over 20 million bottles a year.  In that time, it has come and gone as a food fad, but in its remains are the fact that, now, you can get almost anything in a Sriracha flavor.  And a lot of those things are good.  We’re going to tell you about some good things now.

Best Sriracha-Flavored Products

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