The Most Absurd College Bowl Game Names of 2018

“Congrats, after a full season of hard work, your team has been selected to play…The Dollar General Bowl. We’re so sorry.”

~NCAA Selection Committee

bowl games

There’s a lot of money to be made in College Football. No, not by the players, that’s ridiculous. Obviously, we’re talking about the money out there for schools and the NCAA in general. Yeah, no, fuck those students, they get to go to school for free, and all it costs is spending countless hours practicing, weightlifting, and training, and then putting their bodies in peril every Saturday for three months. But again, everyone else, they’re able to get a lot of money from College Football. And nowhere is that more evident than during Bowl Game season.

This Saturday the Celebration Bowl will kick off a slate of games that, between ticket sales, sponsorships, and naming rights, exist solely as cash grabs for schools across the nation. Every team that mustered up six wins will go ahead and play each other for a bonus game of which only a handful carry any real stakes. But we’re not here to talk about the perils of the Bowl system, or about the NCAA, or anything like that. We don’t really like delving into serious matters like that. We’d much rather talk about goofy names.

So let’s talk about all of the Bowl games that have hilarious, silly names, shall we?

The Most Absurd College Bowl Game Names of 2018

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We Can Finally Visit Buckhorn Lake State Resort Park

“It’s heads. Oh thank God.”

~50% of Buckhorn Voters

buckhorn

Sometimes, Democracy doesn’t work quite the way we want it to. It’s both one of the greatest, and most frustrating, aspects of the system. Democracy doesn’t always get it “right” but, at the very least, it allows us to eventually correct our mistakes. Case in point—alcohol. As much as we drink to forget, a generation of Americans couldn’t legally buy booze for thirteen years, despite the fact that we’re pretty sure the best parts of the Constitution were written when James Madison was half in the bag. But we also eventually came to our senses, and now you can drink in most places except for random pockets of the country that we’d never want to ever go to. That’s why, after 2018 elections, we are proud to announce that, at long last…

We Can Finally Visit Buckhorn Lake State Resort Park

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Eric Roberts Has More Hustle Than Any Actor in Hollywood

“*sigh* Yeah he’ll take it.”

~Eric Roberts’ Agent

eric roberts

So here’s a story. The other day we were thinking about Eric Roberts. You know, the actor. Don’t ask us why. You’re gonna ask us why? We were drunk, okay? What that’s not enough explanation for you? Have you ever read our site? We once got drunk and decided it was a good idea to rate every fictional president in film history, and then this shit happened. We are not responsible adults here, okay?

Anyway, we went to Eric Robert’s IMDB page, because we may or may not be watching Sons of Anarchy and may or may not have wanted to write a joke about how shit Eric Robert’s haircut is before realizing that he’s not in that show at all, he just looks kiiiind of like Jeff Kober. Tell us we’re wrong.

Do you know what we found? Well, as you can tell by the title of this article, this dude hustles. Like, holy shit. Look at how many pending project he has on his IMDB page. We can’t even fit all of them in a screenshot, and that’s after we’ve zoomed our browser down enough that it’s blurred beyond recognition.

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How do so many of these not have release dates?

So yeah. Apparently Eric Roberts, according to the internet (WHICH IS INFALLIBLE! ALL PENGUINS ARE GIRLS, THAT’S A FACT NOW) has FIVE HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN CREDITS to his name. That’s insane. You know how insane that is? When we started writing this article, that number was on 504. Then when we finished writing this article it was 514. And between writing this and posting it, it jumped up three more. We wish that was a joke.

Now if you want to feel kind of disillusioned, here’s a fun fact. Again, if we go by what the internet says (APPARENTLY ALSO SPIDERS ARE AFRAID OF BULLSEYES, THAT’S A FACT NOW, SO SAYETH THE NET) that Eric Roberts is worth about $8 million, after a highly successful acting career and literally half a thousand roles. That means each appearance he’s had behind the camera has been worth about $14,000. Which honestly? Is not bad money, but it’s not “award-nominated actor” money either. Not even close.

His sister, Julia Roberts (MAYBE YOU HAVE HEARD OF HER HMM) is worth about $140 million. Over 61 credits.

His daughter, Emma (who we confuse with Emily Rossum for some reason?) is worth $15 million. Which, lol. Do you think he’s a bit jealous of his daughter being worth twice as much as him, or is he mostly proud? Probably mostly proud, with a twinge of jealousy, right? That seems right?

Anyway, we’re going to talk about Eric Robert’s Hustle.

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The History of All Six Desks Ever Used in the Oval Office

“Fuck you I want my own goddamn desk.”

~Lyndon B. Johnson

white house desk

Years ago, in the infancy of our existence as a website, we wrote about The White House, because what is more American than having our President live a mansion where he can get his work done while having a cheeseburger sent to his room at 3AM as he drunkenly calls the President of Greece to tell him that Ouzo sucks? But we didn’t really devote a lot of time to the actual Oval Office, where shit gets done.  And when we think of the one defining feature of the Oval Office (other than the shape, smartass), we think of the desk where the President sits and, we can say this with absolute certainty, farts at least a few times a day.

The President’s desk is ornate, and “presidential” and, somewhat shockingly, usually shared. In fact, in the whole history of the White House, there have only been six desks used in the Oval Office, many shared by Presidents with very different ideologies who somehow have managed to avoid carving dicks in the wood as a gift to their successors. We’re amazed they had the restraint. We wouldn’t have. If we had to give our desk to the guy replacing us, it’d be dick central. You couldn’t find a spot on the thing that didn’t have dicks.

This article is not going to be about dicks carved into White House furniture. It is, however about…

The History of All Six Desks Ever Used in the Oval Office

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Let’s Check in on Christopher Blair (Busta Troll, Shameless Runner of America’s Last Line of Defense), Shall We?

“Are you dickbags still online? Why? Nobody has ever cared what you think.”

~Christopher Blair

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So you might not remember Christopher Blair. He took a weirdly personal interest in our site (full disclosure, we absolutely started it by sending a drunk and foul mouthed email to one of his writers at like 2AM on a Sunday) back in September of 2017. To bring you up to speed, this 40-something former construction worker runs a series of websites including the now-defunct thelastlineofdefense.org. That particular site posted a “fake news” story that was what fake news used to be called—a real big old fucking lie. It used a picture of an actual Muslim cleric, saying he was refusing to help hurricane survivors, and it got that cleric death threats. That greatly upset us, because we are satirical but we do not stoke hatred unless it is very carefully focused to a deserving party (like this article is stoking hatred towards Christopher Blair, but he can fuck off into a volcano for all we care). Anyway, we wrote a Very Serious Piece (seriously, no dick jokes or anything. Okay maybe a few?) about it, which you can see here..

We emailed the writer of the cleric piece (did we call him the C-word? Listen, the answer is yes, but to be fair, the writer was kind of being a C-word?) and he got back to us with some glib comments, basically along the lines of “Y U MAD?” But he pushed it further down the chain until Christopher Blair himself, BUSTA TROLL, blessed us with an emailed response. It was SO EPIC he posted about it on his Facebook page. His SICK burn was a mix of “lol we have more readers then you” and “look at ALL THIS MONEY I MAKE FROM THIS” with some kind of D-film Bond villain level “we are trolling on the next level LET ME TELL YOU MY PLAN” shit sprinkled in there. It was so DEVASTATING that we posted his email response IN FULL on our own website. We wrote about him 13 months ago.

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We’re really trying to do this right by only focusing on Christopher’s toxic personality, but like, we’d be remiss if we didn’t at last whisper “…m…make your own Taft joke here.”

We’ll run down our basic points here.

1- Writing an article trying to trick people into thinking something fake is actually real is not satire, it’s hack as SHIT.

2- If you get more readers than our site by doing that, we…don’t really give a fuck? Just stop doing bad shit that just makes people angry?

3- Christopher Blair insists that he’s a “Liberal Troll” here to “expose the idiots on the far right” and since our posting, people have died because of heated tensions between both sides of the spectrum, so, like, maybe it’s not working out like you planned, Busta?

4- Blair practically pulled a hamstring bragging to us, in a way to prove that we are “worthless,” how his fake news sites have helped pay for his FORD EXCURSION and the $8,000 he spent on his tortoise enclosure. Haha, just kidding, that would be super depressing if…oh sorry, wait, no that is real, that’s not us making something up to make fun of him. Our bad.

5- He’s a truly awful writer, he’s bad for America, and no matter how pissy he gets it won’t change that.

We posted it and immediately got an email from Christopher Blair along the lines of “LOL NO ONE READS YOUR SHIT ANYWAY” to which we said… “Um YOU read it?”

We then had a weird back and forth with the writer of the original offending piece, going by David Tango Foxtrot, who closed things off, confusingly, with, “We may disagree here, but I have to say, you’re a damn good writer. Respect.”

…K?

We assumed that was Christopher, but have confirmed it is in fact one of the only other writers in his employ. But anyway, ALL OF THIS is to bring us to the purpose of this article.

Let’s check in on Christopher Blair, shall we?

Let’s Check in on Christopher Blair (The Self-Proclaimed “Kingpin of Fake News”), Shall We?

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The 16 Best Fast Food Hamburgers in America: A Stolen List

“I’m not mad about this assignment.”

~AFFotD’s Food Critic
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Full disclosure—we are straight up stealing an article here. It’s theft, pure and simple, taking this list from our friends at The Classic Dad and rewriting it, while keeping the rankings exactly as they were. Now normally we’d view that as a Christopher-Blair-level of douchbaggery, but hear us out. Okay, it’s pretty hack on our part, but one of our writers actually wrote the original article, and we asked him if we could use it. He said no, but then we asked him if we could use it if we gave him a bottle of whiskey. He asked, “What kind?” We said, “Jim Beam.” He said, “I don’t get out of fucking bed for less than Woodford Reserve.” We told him to fuck off, we’re not made of $30 whiskey. Then we stole the article and posted it here.

Okay, so maybe he didn’t give us the okay…meh. This is the internet it’s the Wild West out here baby.

Anyway. Fast food hamburgers. You know them. You love them. They are literally in your arteries right now, which, holy shit, go to a doctor get that looked at, you might need a bypass. There are a lot of fast food chains out there that make cheap, unhealthy, delicious meat pucks for your consumption on the daily. But which fast food chain reigns supreme? Well, we (read as, our writer who is so mad at us right now he is literally threatening a lawsuit, haha, good luck finding any assets we can even liquidate, buddy) set out to determine, once and for all, who makes the best Fast Food burger in the United States.

A few notes. First, it was with heavy hearts that we had to omit Steak ‘N Shake from this list, because the mere mention of its name led to an hour-long argument about if Steak ‘N Shake counts as fast food or not. Secondly, while some of these are in fact regional chains, we set an arbitrary rule that you have to be in at least five states and, oh, let’s say over 150 locations, for us to include you on this list. So that knocks off Fuddruckers, for example. Also, we just didn’t want to go to Fuddruckers. And there is a good chance that one of your favorite fast food chains did not make this list somehow. There’s a very good explanation for that if that is in fact the case. It is because we have a strong personal dislike of you. Yes, you. Remember 7th grade? We do, fuckko.

Anyway, to the list!

The 16 Best Fast Food Hamburgers in America: A Stolen List

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AFFotD Ranks Lay’s Regional Potato Chip Flavors

“Here’s a funny flavor. Buy our potato bits.”

~The Marketing Team at Lay’s Potato Chips

chips

Lay’s potato chips has a history of coming up with strange flavors, almost as if they know that coming up with strange flavors of your product an easy way to get accidentally free advertising from our site. (Our promotional staff is very bad about getting us paid from the companies whose products we inadvertently give free advertising to.) Well, we might be a bit late to the party, but this summer they decided to do it again, coming up with eight regional specific potato chip flavors, because why have people vote for three different novelty flavored potato chips when you know our fat asses will have no qualms about going out and buying eight bags of chips that probably taste, at best, fine.

Anyway, we decided to list out these chips for you and rank them, based on how good we imagine they taste. Yes, that’s right, we’re not even going to go out and buy them, even though we are completely able to do so, but fuck it, Lay’s didn’t respond to our email request to “please send the potato chips, and some whiskey, do you guys make whiskey too?” so fuck it. This is going to be a very phoned in effort!

AFFotD Ranks Lay’s Regional Potato Chip Flavors Continue reading

The Most Terrifying Wax Statues at Louis Tussaud’s Niagara Falls Waxworks Museum

“What the hell am I looking at?”

~Guests of Louis Tussaud’s Waxworks

wax trump

Just about everyone has at least heard of Madame Tussauds—it’s pretty much the gold standard for wax sculptor museums in the world. The original location in London opened in 1835, but dozens of satellite museums have sprung up all over the world during the 180 years of its existence. Now just because something is famous doesn’t mean it’s “necessary.” If we’re being completely honest, wax sculpture museums are very creepy and uncanny valley even at their best.

Which brings us to Louis Tussaud, Marie Tussad’s great-grandson who took up the family business and…well, his legacy is less than exciting. The Louis Tussaud’s Waxwork Museum located in Grand Yarmouth, for example, was called the “world’s worst waxwork museum” before it closed in 2012. His other locations aren’t that much better. So, um, strap in we guess, because we looked through some of the offerings of the Niagara Falls location of Louis Tussaud’s Waxworks, and what we found…well it’s not great. It’s very not great.

The Most Terrifying Wax Statues at Louis Tussaud’s Niagara Falls Waxworks Museum

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AFFotD’s Book Review: Your Own Perfect Medicine by Martha M. Christy

“It’s piss. The miracle cure is piss.”

~Spoilers

your own perfect medicine

As red-blooded, coal-chewing, ripping-still-beating-hearts-out-of-deer’s-chests-and-biting-into-our-kill Americans, we usually have more important things to do than “read books.” Fuller House isn’t going to binge-watch itself, you know? That said, on occasion, we have found books so insane, so purely ridiculous, that we’ve felt like it’s been our duty to review it for the masses. We’ve talked about DNA Nannies, a 1943 pamphlet from the War Department about employing women, the cringe-worthy pick-up artist guide Smooth Talking, and, of course, Kill All the Belgians. We’ve set the bar pretty high in terms of “how ridiculous does a book have to be to catch our attention” and, well, Americans, let us tell you. That bar has been passed by Martha M. Christy.

That’s because Your Own Perfect Medicine: The Incredible Proven Natural Miracle Cure that Medical Science Has Never Revealed is 221 pages gently demanding that you drink your own pee. And so, yeah, we had to read it. And tell you about it. Because as much as books are boring, books that try to make you pee into your mouth are hilarious. So let’s dive in.

AFFotD’s Book Review: Your Own Perfect Medicine by Martha M. Christy

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Jackie Mitchell: The Seventeen-Year-Old Girl Who (Probably Legitimately) (Shut Up Let Us Have This) Struck Out Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig

“Why, hell, they were trying, damn right. Hell, better hitters than them couldn’t hit me. Why should they’ve been any different?”

~Jackie Mitchell, Throwing Shade at Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig

jackie mitchell

In every way, outside of the action on the field for like 95% of games, baseball is the most exciting American sport. Well, that might not be true, but the history of baseball is definitely more fascinating than the history of any other sport. At least it’s fascinating to us. We’ve got an entire section of all the crazy hijinks that happened in early American baseball history. So why did it take us this long to talk about the teenage girl that struck out two of the best batters of all time? Well, because it happened forever ago, sorry, we’re not all-knowing wizards with encyclopedic knowledge of every single instance of American lore, or at least we recognize that we aren’t when we’re mostly sober.

But yes! Jackie Mitchell, when she was just seventeen years of age, somehow managed to strike out Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig. That’s a thing that happened. And we’re going to have to talk about it.

Jackie Mitchell: The Seventeen-Year-Old Girl Who (Probably Legitimately) (Shut Up Let Us Have This) Struck Out Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig

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