Six Constitutional Amendments That Were Nearly Ratified (And Four that Still Could be)

“Hmm, a constitutional amendment against child labor? Seems a bit radical for my tastes.”

~Voters in the 1920s, apparently

constitution

The United States Constitution defines this nation more than any single document, and as a result it’s also a thing that a lot of people get really mad about sometimes, and that very few people have probably actually read all the way through. And really, what’s more American than getting pissed off about strongly defined positions you have based on nothing more than a few tidbits of information and a gut feeling? That said, it is an incredibly historically significant document, probably the most impactful pieces of government writing since, um, what, the Magna Carta? We really don’t know or care about government writing that isn’t the US Constitution, which we assure you we have not even tried to read.

Now, the most important part of the Constitution is the fact that it’s not set in stone—it can be changed. You know, that whole Amendments thing? It’s easy to forget that we can actually do that—go into our founding document and say, “You know, we don’t like this anymore, let’s change that part,” because even though we have submitted over 11,000 proposed Amendments since the founding of the nation (seriously), very few ever come close to even become a real thing. Sure, the ten year span from 1960 to 1971 saw a bunch of quick passing Amendments become a reality (The 23rd let’s Washington D.C. have Electoral College votes, the 24th has something to do with poll taxes and voting rights, the 25th solidifies presidential succession, and the 26th was arguably the most monumental, lowering the voting age to 18) but since then we’ve only had one Amendment come through, the 27th, which was originally proposed in 1789 and didn’t get ratified until 1992.

But since 1992? No amendments have really gotten close. Sometimes an Amendment will get vote on, but it’s almost always dead on arrival. In fact, it’s pretty difficult to get traction an any changes to the supreme law of our nation. For example, we almost got rid of the Electoral College in 1970. We were extremely close. It passed Congress, and it passed the Senate Judiciary Committee, and the only reason it didn’t pass into law because the Senate filibustered it, so it never came to vote. Which made us think—are there any Amendments that actually passed, but were never ratified by states? The answer is not only yes, it’s yes to six different Amendments. And four of them could still be passed today! Which seems weird, right?

Anyway, let’s simplify legislation in a way to make any lawyer worth their salt piss themselves out of pure rage, and talk about…

Six Constitutional Amendments That Were Nearly Ratified (And Four that Still Could be)

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William A. Mitchell Invented All Your Favorite Trashy Food

“How does this man not have a Nobel Peace Prize?”

~Our Official Statement Regarding William A. Mitchell

william a mitchell

America is a nation of innovation. We gave the world smart phones, microwave ovens, lasers, the internet, and the secret recipe for Coca-Cola. Not only that, we’re a nation that encourages invention. We all grew up listening to stories of Thomas Edison (though, unfortunately, he turned out to be a massive dick who once killed an elephant in order to make his rival look bad), Alexander Graham Bell, and even George Washington Carver who literally became a household name because he invented a lot of ways to use a fucking peanut. Which is why it’s frankly shocking to us that not everyone in the United States knows the works of William A. Mitchell, the food chemist for the General Foods Corporation who invented so many products that we adore today. We don’t want to give too much away, but let’s just say that this is the guy responsible for both Tang and Pop Rocks. We don’t use the hero too often around here (actually we use it all the fucking time), but those two inventions alone are enough to classify William A. Mitchell.

So we’re going to go ahead and make sure you always remember the name of the most prolific food chemist of the 20th century.

William A. Mitchell Invented All Your Favorite Trashy Food

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Every American Video Game Movie (Pretty Much Sucks)

“We’ve got established characters, set action pieces, and an iconic plot. How can we best fuck this up?”

~Hollywood Producers

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For the longest time, the entertainment industry didn’t know what to do with super hero movies. With the exception of 1978’s Superman and the Tim Burton Batman films, comic book movies tended to be either bad, box office bombs, or both. Sure you had a Spiderman 2 here and an “let’s forget there was a third X-Men movie” there, you couldn’t find many great representations of comic books on the big screen. It’s hard to remember those days now that Marvel has come along and made comic book movies that pretty much print their own currency while D.C. um, well, you know, they try hard and we love them for it.

We bring this up because comic books had to exist for a long time before anyone figured out how to translate them to the silver screen with any modicum of success. And that’s where we are now with video games. Video games have been “things that exist” for only about forty or fifty years at this point, and we’re sad to report that America has yet to unlock how to make those games work as movies. It’s a little surprising, honestly—we have hundreds of popular video games that are basically movies that you play, yet we haven’t managed to turn that into compelling cinema.

Don’t believe us? Well fuck you, then. Wait, wait, sorry, that was maybe a bit defensive. But we’ll show you. Below we’ve listed every movie based off a comic book that’s been made in America, and listed them in reverse order of their critical score on the review aggregate site Rotten Tomatoes. And folks, it is…dire.

Every American Video Game Movie (Pretty Much Sucks)

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Teddy Roosevelt Wanted To Hunt the Snallygaster, America’s Mythical Dragon-Bird

“What’s that? A new animal I can kill? I’m IN!”

~Teddy Roosevelt

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Compared to other, older nations, America doesn’t really have a lot in the way of monsters in our folklore. Sure, we’ve got Bigfoot, and we guess there’s the jackalope, but compared to the sheer volume of mythical creatures in stories around the world, America’s got relatively few entries in that particular genre. This isn’t too surprising—outside of Native Americans, most Americans haven’t been on this continent long enough to really nurture any good folklore. Hell, the first reported sighting of the Loch Ness Monster was 1500 years ago—considering that, it makes sense that we’ve only got a handful of random monster sightings in our history.

While the relative scarcity of American “strange monsters” doesn’t really shock us, the relative obscurity of the Snallygaster does. Because with so few things going bump in the night in America, how is everyone focusing their attention on finding some big hairy forest ape when there’s supposedly a dragon-like beast hanging around Maryland and Washington D.C.? Well Teddy Roosevelt apparently asked that very question.

Let’s talk about America’s least-talked about mythical monster then, shall we?

Teddy Roosevelt Wanted To Hunt the Snallygaster, America’s Mythical Dragon-Bird

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The Five Funniest (Relatively Harmless) Conspiracy Theories In the United States

“Making fun of conspiracy theorists means you must be PART OF THE CONSPIRACY.”

~Conspiracy Theorists

conspiracy

We never would have expected that “obviously wrong conspiracy theories” would be a topic that gets people riled up, but it’s the 2010s and the Internet is still going strong so that’s probably just naivete on our part. For example, about four years ago we wrote an article about wacky conspiracy theories that exist out there, ranging from flat Earthers to a theory that Saddam Hussein had a fucking Stargate. We chuckled and moved on to more important topics (if memory serves, the article we wrote next was on the worst Mountain Dew flavors of all time) but a beacon was put up on the internet, and apparently conspiracy theorists do not take kindly to being called whacky. One crazy man in particular went on a rant that contained three comments, 500 words, Sandy Hook false flag and 9/11 inside job accusations, the insistence that our staff should “read you twisted sick fuck” along with an implication that we were on “the cabal’s” (?) payroll, and no fewer than 12 colorful references to sodomy. Not exactly what we expected when we wrote, “You at least gotta hand it to the conspiracy theorists. They’ve got a wonderfully healthy imagination.”

Looking back, maybe the issue was that we called the wacky people wacky. Who knows. But we’ve decided to accept blood money from the psychopathic satanic cabals desperate to hide THE TRUTH talk to you about some other out-there conspiracy theories we’ve discovered in our increasingly pointless quest to be Always Very Online. But maybe, just maybe, we can avoid pointing the Batshit Crazy signal into Arkham by rephrasing what we mean by “wacky.” What we’re really talking about are funny, and mostly harmless, conspiracy theories. There’s no way that could offend anyone, right?

(And suddenly, a sea of neckbeards screamed out in anger.)

(And we swear to God if you jump into our comments to talk about Jeffrey Epstein we will find where you live and send a fucking glitter bomb to your house.)

The Five Funniest (Relatively Harmless) Conspiracy Theories In the United States

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We Need to Drop Everything and Talk About the New Lou Bega Song (Seriously)

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8 Actors With Academy Award Nominations You Completely Forgot About

“Ha, shit, wait, I’ve been nominated for more Oscars than Burt Reynolds? Haha, what?”

~Nicolas Cage

oscars

We talk about the Academy Awards a lot around these parts (some might say to a “dangerous to our health” degree). Now, there are a lot of reasons for that. Movies take a lot less effort to get through than books, first of all. Also, as manufactured and imperfect as it is, the term “Academy Award nominee” lends a film or actor an impressive amount of prestige. But mostly, it’s the randomness. Yes, being an Academy Award winner or nominee is an achievement that you can carry with you to your grave, but 80% of the time these nominations are extremely random and hardly make any sense. If you look at their history of work, it’s sort of strange that Charlie Chaplin and Angela Bassett have the same number of Oscar nominations as Andrew Garfield and Abigail Breslin, but that’s just how the Academy throws down, baby.

And we love it. We love it so much in fact that we went through a list of all the actors who have been nominated for acting’s highest honor to remind ourselves of a few actors whose nominations, in retrospect, seemed kind of bonkers. We’re not saying that these actors did not deserve the honor—in fact almost every one put up an award-worthy performance. We’re just saying that if aliens landed on Earth, took in the entirety of our cultural history, and were told that Gary Busey was once nominated for Best Actor in a Leading Role, they would probably respond, “Wait you mean that toothy guy from Point Break? Is this one of those ‘pranks’ you Earthlings seem so fond of?”

Let’s dive in.

8 Actors With Academy Award Nominations You Completely Forgot About

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Larry Adler Was Better At Harmonica Than You Are At Anything

“I came here to play harmonica and have copious amounts of affairs, and well, I just finished playing harmonica.”

~Larry Adler

larry adler

When you hear the word “famous” there are a lot of words that could follow without knocking you off balance. Famous movie star? Makes sense. Famous doctor? Somewhat more rare, but not particularly shocking. Famous drunk blogger? Well now you’re just lifting lines from the vision board in our office. But if you were given a million guesses to name professions or identities that could make you famous, we’re willing to bet that “harmonica player” would not even come close to making the list. But that’s only if you’ve not heard of Larry Adler, the famed mouth organ player. (And yes, he referred to the harmonica almost exclusively as the mouth organ, and yes a part of him no doubt did this to allow for all the easy jokes that come from building a career blowing air into a thing you call a mouth organ.)

Larry Adler somehow managed to go from harmonica street performer who didn’t know how to read music to bonified international star who had affairs with famous actresses and recorded music with the likes of Elton John and Cher (as well as a bunch of people who were famous in like the 1950s but if we started this article with stuff like “oh he knew Jack Benny and worked with Dizzie Gillespie” about two thirds of our readers would lapse into an hour-long coma).

Hell, we’ve written AFFotDs for far less impressive careers. So fuck it, we’re going to talk about a harmonica player now.

Larry Adler Was Better At Harmonica Than You Are At Anything

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British Sandwiches, Ranked From Best to Worst

“Oh God, we have to talk about British food again?”

~AFFotD’s Resident Food Critic

food spread

We all know the stereotypes about the English when it comes to food. British food is bland, boring, weird, bad, and their teeth are snaggled as fuck. Granted, the teeth thing has nothing to do with their cuisine, but any time you have the opportunity to make a British dentistry joke, you make it, ‘cause that country’s got some broke-ass grills. Now, it’s never good to encourage or propagate stereotypes…except for the fact that, as we’ve previously established, British food absolutely adheres to these stereotypes.

That isn’t to say that all British food is bad, or that they haven’t contributed some important culinary traditions to America. On the contrary, they’re responsible for one of the best portable meal options that Americans have at their disposal—the sandwich. Yes, referred to by some as the Britain’s most noteworthy creation, Americans have the English to thank for all their best bread-laden treats. Jimmy Johns, Jersey Mikes, yes, even Subway for those among us lost their taste buds in a fireworks accident, none of these lunch and sometimes sad, lonely dinner options would be available to us if not for the motherland to our east.

Truly, the existence of sandwiches (for America to, naturally, improve upon) is a gift, and to return the favor, we are here to list an extensive list of British sandwiches, ranked from their best offerings to their saddest, most pathetic. Because if we wanted to write an article just about good British food, well, that article would have to be real fucking short, wouldn’t it?

British Sandwiches, Ranked From Best to Worst

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8 Craziest Detective Novels (Featuring Celebrity Sleuths)

“So anyway, after my divorce, everyone said I should have a hobby. Until I told them that I was planning to write a mystery novel where Alf solves crimes.”

~Some of These Writers, Basically

detectives

Mystery novels serve many important functions in American society. They’re read on our sandy beaches, they’re packed and probably not read on our family vacations, and they’re an easy way for lazy screenwriters to fast track a screenplay in Hollywood. We, as a nation, love a good mystery, be it the deductive sleuthing of Sherlock Holmes, or trying to figure out why there are used condoms in the bathroom garbage can when you and your wife have been trying for kids the last three months. If that sentence took a shocking turn, that wasn’t this feature’s writer oversharing about his debilitating divorce, it was a twist that you didn’t see coming!

Americans love mystery novels because they’re light, easy to read, enjoyable, and there’s something genuinely exciting about finding yourself shocked by an outcome you never saw coming. Which is why it is such a popular genre for not only American readers, but for American writers. We don’t have the numbers to back this up, because it’s not like we make enough money on this site to hire an actual research team, but every year roughly 900,000 mystery novels are written by recently retired business men and women who have not yet decided to take up fishing.

And sure, every once and a while we’ll get a Gone Girl out of this slurry of mid-life crises, but more often than not we’ll get someone that just goes, “Okay so it’s a mystery, but like, what if the detective was David Duchovny?”

Which, duh, if Duchovny was the detective it would have to feature aliens. Actually, there’s some nuggets there, we could make that work. So while we work on our masterpiece Murder on the X-Files Set, here’s a list of eight detective novels that have actually been published where the detectives are fictionalized versions of real-life people.

8 Craziest Detective Novels (Featuring Celebrity Sleuths)

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