America’s Drunkest Presidents: Martin Van Buren

“If you’re asking if I’d rather be president or not get drunk I think you damn well know the answer to that.”

~Martin Van Buren

martin van buren

All presidents drink…well, okay, except for the last two Republican presidents we’ve had, which, like, that’s a really weird random thing, right?  Like, “the last two teetotaler presidents we’ve had were Donald Trump and George W. Bush, that’s a weird fact.”  But anyway, before we invite all the Pepes of the internet into our comments section, let’s just talk about how most presidents like to get drunk every now and then, and some of them are spectacular at it.  We’ve already told you about George Washington (just, top notch president, and impressive drinker) and James Buchanan (like, he was to the United States Presidency what a trenchcoat full of cottonmouth snakes would be to the Au Pair in America, but he was also a superhuman drinker.  Hmm maybe those two were related.)

But that brings us to our next drunk president, Martin Van Buren, who was… okay well, also a shitty president, but he was a shitty president that could drink, and apparently viewed personal grooming the way an “already drunk at 6 in the morning, or maybe still drunk from last night at 6 in the morning” kind of person would.  Seriously, look at that picture at the top of this article.  Like, dude, there are like three pictures of you in existence, you couldn’t find anyone who had a fucking comb?

But anyway, this is not the space for us to make fun of Martin Van Buren’s hairstyle (but look forward to our article “The 5 Presidents With The Worst Haircuts in American History” which, like, we actually have in the can) but rather to talk about his impressive ability to just, drink and get shitty.  And here we go!

America’s Drunkest Presidents:  Martin Van Buren

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America’s Worst Pumpkin Spice Latte-Flavored Products

“You can’t spell ‘basic’ without ‘PSL.’”

~Wait Actually You Can

psl candy

Pumpkin Spice Latte is a combination of words that usually can be seen in conjunction with phrases like, “Those damn Millennials” and, “Got no respect for their elders.”  We’re not going to talk about Pumpkin Spice Lattes being good, bad, or appearing on menus earlier and earlier each year because you’ve all read a dozen of mouth-breathing articles on that topic already.  Pumpkin Spice Lattes are, at the end of the day, one of those things that a lot of people get mad about when they really shouldn’t.  Like, some people like to drink coffee that has cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, cloves and allspice in it during the Fall, why…why should we care one way or the other?  Like, we’re seriously asking here, did your family get killed in a cinnamon farming accident, or are you just knee-jerk reacting to some trend that’s popular among people who are younger than you?

Anyway, the point being, we’re not here to shit on you if you enjoy yourself a nice PSL from time to time.  You do you.  But even if the days of the Pumpkin Spice Latte are waning, and the PSL will soon to join Uggs as retired totems of basicness, companies are still trying to wring each little ounce of profit out of the PSL craze, which, unfortunately, has given us a lot of pumpkin spice products that should never exist.

So while we support you and your right to a Pumpkin Spice Latte on a nice fall day, we do not support these products, which take pumpkin spice to terrifying, gross places.

America’s Worst Pumpkin Spice Latte-Flavored Products

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America’s Drunkest Presidents: James Buchanan

“Hangover?  I hardly even KNOW her!  Ha ha ha, oh, I’m an awful president.”

~James Buchanan  

 buchanan 1

The founding entry of our new segment entitled “America’s Drunkest Presidents” was about George Washington, our founding father.   We basically took one of our greatest presidents in history, and talked about how was also one of the greatest drinking president in history, because we are legally obligated to talk up George Washington and ignore some of that not-so-cooloh-shit-don’t-click-these-links stuff.  That said, he was an impressive drinker, which we’re super thankful for since the idea of a teetotaler as our badass founding General is too much for us to take.  However, even though it worked out that way the first time, this segment is not called “America’s Best Drunk Presidents.”  It is just “America’s Drunkest Presidents.”

We want to make that clarification before we go ahead and tell you about arguably the best drinking president we’ve ever had.  But as good as he was at drinking (and, you’ll see, he was super good at it) he was pretty much the polar opposite at presidenting (just, so bad, you guys.)

So let’s talk about James Buchanan, the very drunk, but no good, 17th president of the United States.

America’s Drunkest Presidents:  James Buchanan

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Discontinued McDonald’s Items We Desperately Want Back

“Ba-da-ba-ba-daaa, I’m missing it”

~McDonald’s Customers

mcdonalds

Back in August, we wrote about how while McDonald’s is a great American establishment, they’ve managed to commit some real crimes against food.   We even promised in that article that we would not write any articles about the best food items you can get at McDonald’s, partly because it’s less interesting than “discontinued awfulness” and also partly because our Editor-in-Chief’s favorite sandwich there is the Filet-o-Fish which automatically discredits any opinions he might have about the McDonald’s menu as it stands in 2017.

But while we were digging through the disgusting, horrible ideas of McDonald’s past (ugh, that pineapple hamburger haunts us) we also noticed that a lot of items that were briefly on the McDonald’s menu seemed actually pretty good.  Really good, even.  Like, “man, we wish that was still on the menu” good.  So we’re going to talk about those items, wistfully, and mourn their passing.  Because some of this stuff, man…

Discontinued McDonald’s Items We Desperately Want Back

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The Brief Existence of Franklin, America’s Craziest State

“Fine, if you won’t let us be a state, we’ll do our own thing.”

~Citizens of Franklin       

franklin map

Americans (ourselves absolutely included) are garbage at geography.  Our hypothesis for this is that we’ve had to learn the name and (relative) location of 50 states, and that’s just a lot of names and places to process.  America’s pretty big, you know.  People from other countries should learn to give us a break.  But this is not an article about geography (thank God), but rather, about how we very nearly had 51 states that we would have been forced to memorize in grade school.

This is the story of Franklin, the almost-14th state of the United States of America, who paid government officials in deer pelts.

The Brief Existence of Franklin, America’s Craziest State

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America’s Drunkest Presidents: George Washington

“Listen, it’s the 18th century, you’d drink to chase the boredom too.”

~George Washington

washington

America loves drinking so much that a bunch of people set us aside and said, “America, we think you may have a problem,” and actively banned the entire nation from drinking booze.  And our response to that was to say, “In the entire history of our nation, we have never repealed an amendment.  Until now, GIVE US BACK OUR BOOZE YOU ASSHATS.”  That’s history to be proud of, and it’s no surprise that many of the greatest figures behind this, the greatest country in the world, are also some of history’s greatest drinkers.

That is why it is our duty, and frankly our pleasure, to introduce the latest running series to America Fun Fact of the Day.  Welcome to America’s Drunkest Presidents, where we look at the drinking habits of our greatest presidents and tell you which ones were the drunkest.  This is important work we’re doing here.  This is God’s work.  One nation under God.  One nation under drunk.  Like, like the, you know.  Like the Pledge of Allegiance?  Only,   Okay, cards on the table, we’re pretty soused right now.

Let’s start with our first president, who spent more money on booze in a year than most people do in a decade.

America’s Drunkest Presidents:  George Washington

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A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 4- Even More Defunct Teams

“I don’t see why no one took our team seriously.”

~Owner of the Memphis Houn’Dawgs

aba patch

Obviously by this point we’ve made enough jokes about the American Basketball Association that we don’t really need an intro to this article.  So, sure, you might think we’ve covered it all, from the league’s history to its current and former teams.  Except, remember, this is a league that has 350 teams disappear in its short history.  So of course there are a lot more former teams than current teams.  A lot lot more.  Here are the last teams we’ve decided to make fun of in this silly, unnecessary, wonderful league. 

A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 4- Even More Defunct Teams  Continue reading

A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 3- The Defunct Teams

“If someone forms an ABA team, but no one watches it, does the team exist?”

~Famous ABA Proverb

aba logo

We’ve posted a few articles so far telling you about the revived American Basketball Association, with its hundreds of teams and its general lawlessness.  Many of you have responded, “So what, why do you care so much about this league that no one watches,” to which we say you clearly aren’t drunk enough to get it, man.  But seriously, this league is hilarious, and we love it, so we’re going to continue talking about it until we run out of absurd teams to talk about.

In this particular instance, we skimmed through the 350+ teams that have formed and disbanded in the league’s 17-year history to find the ones that are particularly hilarious to us.  And so we present part three of our four-part series on the new and improved (?) ABA.

A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 3- The Defunct Teams

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thelastlineofdefense.org’s Christopher Blair, Indefensible Lies, and the Dangers of Fake News

“Can I see your report, by the way? I definitely need some masturbation material.”

~Christopher Blair, founder and sole writer for lastelineofdefense.org, in an email to AFFotD’s Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt, directly asking about this article

christopher blair

thelastlineofdefense.org’s Christopher Blair, Indefensible Lies, and the Sickness of Fake News
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A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 2- The Teams

“I’m on the DMV Warriors. Yeah, I know.”

~ABA Basketball Players

aba patch

Last week we went over the history of the second iteration of the American Basketball Association, or ABA, which so far has not given us a player like Moses Malone, but has had thousands upon thousands of people play in it since its 2000 inauguration simply due to the fact that over 350 teams have shuttered in the league’s relatively brief history. Though comically enough, this iteration of the ABA has already lasted a good eight years longer than its predecessor. Lol.

So far, we’ve already talked about the league, with its “so hands off it practically does not exist” management style and it’s “wait you potentially can score a 5-point field goal?” rule set. Now we’re going to take a step back and look at the beating heart of the league. The teams themselves.

A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 2- The Teams

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