The 16 Best Fast Food Hamburgers in America: A Stolen List

“I’m not mad about this assignment.”

~AFFotD’s Food Critic
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Full disclosure—we are straight up stealing an article here. It’s theft, pure and simple, taking this list from our friends at The Classic Dad and rewriting it, while keeping the rankings exactly as they were. Now normally we’d view that as a Christopher-Blair-level of douchbaggery, but hear us out. Okay, it’s pretty hack on our part, but one of our writers actually wrote the original article, and we asked him if we could use it. He said no, but then we asked him if we could use it if we gave him a bottle of whiskey. He asked, “What kind?” We said, “Jim Beam.” He said, “I don’t get out of fucking bed for less than Woodford Reserve.” We told him to fuck off, we’re not made of $30 whiskey. Then we stole the article and posted it here.

Okay, so maybe he didn’t give us the okay…meh. This is the internet it’s the Wild West out here baby.

Anyway. Fast food hamburgers. You know them. You love them. They are literally in your arteries right now, which, holy shit, go to a doctor get that looked at, you might need a bypass. There are a lot of fast food chains out there that make cheap, unhealthy, delicious meat pucks for your consumption on the daily. But which fast food chain reigns supreme? Well, we (read as, our writer who is so mad at us right now he is literally threatening a lawsuit, haha, good luck finding any assets we can even liquidate, buddy) set out to determine, once and for all, who makes the best Fast Food burger in the United States.

A few notes. First, it was with heavy hearts that we had to omit Steak ‘N Shake from this list, because the mere mention of its name led to an hour-long argument about if Steak ‘N Shake counts as fast food or not. Secondly, while some of these are in fact regional chains, we set an arbitrary rule that you have to be in at least five states and, oh, let’s say over 150 locations, for us to include you on this list. So that knocks off Fuddruckers, for example. Also, we just didn’t want to go to Fuddruckers. And there is a good chance that one of your favorite fast food chains did not make this list somehow. There’s a very good explanation for that if that is in fact the case. It is because we have a strong personal dislike of you. Yes, you. Remember 7th grade? We do, fuckko.

Anyway, to the list!

The 16 Best Fast Food Hamburgers in America: A Stolen List

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AFFotD Ranks Lay’s Regional Potato Chip Flavors

“Here’s a funny flavor. Buy our potato bits.”

~The Marketing Team at Lay’s Potato Chips

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Lay’s potato chips has a history of coming up with strange flavors, almost as if they know that coming up with strange flavors of your product an easy way to get accidentally free advertising from our site. (Our promotional staff is very bad about getting us paid from the companies whose products we inadvertently give free advertising to.) Well, we might be a bit late to the party, but this summer they decided to do it again, coming up with eight regional specific potato chip flavors, because why have people vote for three different novelty flavored potato chips when you know our fat asses will have no qualms about going out and buying eight bags of chips that probably taste, at best, fine.

Anyway, we decided to list out these chips for you and rank them, based on how good we imagine they taste. Yes, that’s right, we’re not even going to go out and buy them, even though we are completely able to do so, but fuck it, Lay’s didn’t respond to our email request to “please send the potato chips, and some whiskey, do you guys make whiskey too?” so fuck it. This is going to be a very phoned in effort!

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The Most Terrifying Wax Statues at Louis Tussaud’s Niagara Falls Waxworks Museum

“What the hell am I looking at?”

~Guests of Louis Tussaud’s Waxworks

wax trump

Just about everyone has at least heard of Madame Tussauds—it’s pretty much the gold standard for wax sculptor museums in the world. The original location in London opened in 1835, but dozens of satellite museums have sprung up all over the world during the 180 years of its existence. Now just because something is famous doesn’t mean it’s “necessary.” If we’re being completely honest, wax sculpture museums are very creepy and uncanny valley even at their best.

Which brings us to Louis Tussaud, Marie Tussad’s great-grandson who took up the family business and…well, his legacy is less than exciting. The Louis Tussaud’s Waxwork Museum located in Grand Yarmouth, for example, was called the “world’s worst waxwork museum” before it closed in 2012. His other locations aren’t that much better. So, um, strap in we guess, because we looked through some of the offerings of the Niagara Falls location of Louis Tussaud’s Waxworks, and what we found…well it’s not great. It’s very not great.

The Most Terrifying Wax Statues at Louis Tussaud’s Niagara Falls Waxworks Museum

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AFFotD’s Book Review: Your Own Perfect Medicine by Martha M. Christy

“It’s piss. The miracle cure is piss.”

~Spoilers

your own perfect medicine

As red-blooded, coal-chewing, ripping-still-beating-hearts-out-of-deer’s-chests-and-biting-into-our-kill Americans, we usually have more important things to do than “read books.” Fuller House isn’t going to binge-watch itself, you know? That said, on occasion, we have found books so insane, so purely ridiculous, that we’ve felt like it’s been our duty to review it for the masses. We’ve talked about DNA Nannies, a 1943 pamphlet from the War Department about employing women, the cringe-worthy pick-up artist guide Smooth Talking, and, of course, Kill All the Belgians. We’ve set the bar pretty high in terms of “how ridiculous does a book have to be to catch our attention” and, well, Americans, let us tell you. That bar has been passed by Martha M. Christy.

That’s because Your Own Perfect Medicine: The Incredible Proven Natural Miracle Cure that Medical Science Has Never Revealed is 221 pages gently demanding that you drink your own pee. And so, yeah, we had to read it. And tell you about it. Because as much as books are boring, books that try to make you pee into your mouth are hilarious. So let’s dive in.

AFFotD’s Book Review: Your Own Perfect Medicine by Martha M. Christy

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Jackie Mitchell: The Seventeen-Year-Old Girl Who (Probably Legitimately) (Shut Up Let Us Have This) Struck Out Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig

“Why, hell, they were trying, damn right. Hell, better hitters than them couldn’t hit me. Why should they’ve been any different?”

~Jackie Mitchell, Throwing Shade at Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig

jackie mitchell

In every way, outside of the action on the field for like 95% of games, baseball is the most exciting American sport. Well, that might not be true, but the history of baseball is definitely more fascinating than the history of any other sport. At least it’s fascinating to us. We’ve got an entire section of all the crazy hijinks that happened in early American baseball history. So why did it take us this long to talk about the teenage girl that struck out two of the best batters of all time? Well, because it happened forever ago, sorry, we’re not all-knowing wizards with encyclopedic knowledge of every single instance of American lore, or at least we recognize that we aren’t when we’re mostly sober.

But yes! Jackie Mitchell, when she was just seventeen years of age, somehow managed to strike out Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig. That’s a thing that happened. And we’re going to have to talk about it.

Jackie Mitchell: The Seventeen-Year-Old Girl Who (Probably Legitimately) (Shut Up Let Us Have This) Struck Out Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig

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Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#10-1—Our Greatest Fictional Presidents)

“Get off my plane.”

~Come On, You’ve Been Waiting For This Moment

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We’re finally there, everyone. It’s been weeks, months (not months), years even (no, not years, stop it), and we’ve posted 14 previous articles, all of which dare to ask “what if we were to tell you who is the best President, among Presidents who are not real?” and we did it. We really did it. We melted our minds in the process, but it’s done, and here is the one list you were truly waiting for. The 10 best fictional Presidents in film history. Are you ready? We’ve been ready every since we started this crazy thing. Thanks for humoring us. Here are your best Presidents.

Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#10-1—Our Greatest Fictional Presidents)

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Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#20-11—The World Savers)

“Yeah I’m mad I made it this high too.”

~Kevin James in Pixels

presidential seal

We’ve done this 13 times already, so what’s one more? You are mired, trapped even, in a series of articles where we take every single President who has ever appeared in a movie, remove all the real ones, and then mix up what we have left to determine who was the best and who was the worst in terms of overall job performance. It’s been forever. You’ve had major life events come and pass since we started this series. You’re almost free. We’re almost free. Let’s talk about some goddamn fake American heroes.

Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#20-11—The World Savers)

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Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#30-21—Fighters, Winners, and…Mike Brady?)

“Here’s a Story. Of a messed up movie. Where Mike Brady somehow became the President.”

~The Theme of The Brady Bunch in the White House, We Assume

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You have stuck with us for so long, and we’re honestly pretty impressed. When we decided we were going to rate every single fake President, we didn’t realize how much work it would be. It was so much work. And we know it’s been a lot of work for you. But we’re almost there. We promise. Here are more Presidents, and holy shit, why is The Brady Bunch here?

Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#30-21—Fighters, Winners, and…Mike Brady?)

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Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#54-31—Doomed Heroes and General Good Guys)

“Apparently you don’t get dinged for having the world end on your watch if you die in the movie.”

~Danny Glover in 2012

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Are you tired of these intros yet? We’re kind of tired of these intros. This series has been going on every day for the past two and a half weeks, which is a lot. You’ve been like, “Where’s our AFFotD about beer? Or like, beer that’s made with chocolate? Or like, ‘Man, snickers are crazy, are there any weird flavors of snickers?’”

But instead you’ve had to go through just, list after list of President who has never even existed. We understand your pain, but we’re too far along to stop now. HERE ARE MORE PRESIDENTS! NONE OF THEM HAD ANY IMPACT ON HISTORY!

Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#54-31—Doomed Heroes and General Good Guys)

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Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#50-41—Strong During a Crisis)

“…You mean we have to watch Geostorm for this article?”

~AFFotD Staffers

potus

Welcome to a series of articles with so many entries that we’re not even bothering to count them. This is, what, the tenth one of these? That sounds right, ballpark at least? Anyway, we decided (thanks, Jack Daniels and a surprise divorce) that we should find every single fictional president who has been portrayed in a movie, and decide which one of those was the best at presidenting. And THEN we decided we should arbitrarily rank each president against each other, for reasons that don’t sound quite as compelling now that we’ve sobered up. So if this is the first article in this series you’ve come across because you Googled “Gregory Peck President” then, well, we honestly don’t know if you are our prime demographic or not. Just keep in mind that all these fancy links at the beginning of this paragraphs link to previous entries to our latest series in which we, and maybe you already know where we’re going with this, because we literally just said it, rank every fictional movie President arbitrarily. We’re now getting to our better fake Presidents, the ones who stand tall and stay strong, no matter how much things fall apart around them.

Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#50-41—Strong During a Crisis)

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