AFFotD Presents: Dunking on Old Timey Pictures of Civil War Generals

“Lol this is the dumbest thing we’ve ever written that’ll randomly make very uninteresting people very mad.”

~Our Lawyers

Image of Civil War battle

The Civil War is, apparently, a very complex and complicated subject, which is weird because it kind of seems that the two sides were “America” and “a group of people who wanted to not be part of America and lost, and wanted slaves” but maybe that’s just our silly American tendency to root for winners.

Anyway, if you’re here to examine the nuance of the Civil War’s socioeconomic impact on this country, or even hear a semi-coherent history of the war, we have terrible news. This article isn’t that.

But if you are here to see us post pictures of a bunch of Union and Confederate Generals and just roast them mercilessly because every Civil War General looked like a fucking Muppet, well, you’re in luck. Because we are here to prove that…

Every Picture of Every Civil War General Is Low-Key Hilarious

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Every Oscar-Nominated Actor Who Has Appeared in the Star Wars Cinematic Universe

“There are 44 Oscar nominees who have appeared in a Star Wars movie.”

~Our Staff, All Week, They Literally Won’t Shut Up About it

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This article is very pointless and dumb for most people, and our writers are obsessed with it. Let’s talk about Star Wars, you buncha nerds.

Since 1977, the world has been gifted (and in some case, begrudgingly offered as a cash grab) eleven different films in the Star Wars Universe. There are also some animated tv shows out there if you really want to get deep into that shit.

During that time, many well-regarded actors with numerous accolades have appeared in a Star Wars film. Specifically, the Star Wars universe features a staggering amount of Academy Award nominated individuals who appear, either onscreen or as voices, in these films. We counted. It’s 44. 

Keep in mind, many other famous actors have appeared in these films who have not been nominated for an Academy Award. Ewan McGregor and Christopher Lee have never received Oscar nominations, for example (though McGregor has Golden Globe nominations)

Frank Oz (a.k.a. Yoda) has an Emmy. Jimmy Smits (Bail Organa) has won a Golden Globe. By the way, did you know that Rose Byrne (2 Golden Globe nominations) was in Attack of the Clones?  And Joel Edgerton, who was in the prequel trilogy as young Owen Lars, has a Golden Globe nomination to his name for Loving. They are not on this list. But a LOT of people are! Anyway! Let’s get into this nerd fest!

Every Oscar-Nominee Who Has Appeared in a Star Wars Film

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A List of Oscars That MONEY PLANE Will Win at the 2021 Academy Award Ceremony

“It’s called the Money Plane. Some of the baddest motherfuckers on the planet are on that plane, all craving action. Whatever you want to wager on, the Money Plane has you covered. You want to bet on a dude fucking an alligator? Money Plane.”

~Darius Emmanuel Grouch III (a.k.a. The Ruckus)

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On July 10th, just less than a week after its birthday, America was blessed with a belated gift. With of a reported budget of “under $50 million” according to Wikipedia (because the director jokingly said “Well it was under $50 million”) and an actual budget of, like, $75 bucks and the promise to delete several portable hard drives worth of compromising data, we were given MONEY PLANE.

And it’s the best film of 2020.

Don’t let the haters fool you. Don’t listen to the 3.3/10 rating on IMDB. Or the 27% Fresh rating on RottenTomatoes. This movie is gold.

And speaking of gold, we’re going to award it SEVENTEEN FUCKING ACADEMY AWARDS.

All of the Oscars Awarded to MONEY PLANE, the Best Movie of All Time

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We Don’t Do TV Reviews…But Let’s Review the 30 Rock Peacock Reunion Special

“You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”

~Harvey Dent. Wait these are supposed to be fake quotes…

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Hi there! If you’ve recently discovered our site, you probably think of AFFotD as that place where we do too much research about COVID and say “fuck” a lot. If you’ve been following us for a long time, you know that we usually like to celebrate weird history, booze, and food while making fun of other nations’ cultures while saying “fuck” a lot.

This will not be any of those things.

This is goin to be a review of TV special. Which is a thing we literally never write about.

But our staff has been longtime fans of the shot 30 Rock, and 30 Rock released a quarantine reunion special. And…well…we normally don’t weigh in on such matters, but…

The 30 Rock Reunion Special Is Very Bad in a Way That Makes Us Very Sad

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Who Fucked Up Part 2: How States Are Handling Reopening One Month Since Our Last Check-in

“You know the more we write in-depth articles on this, the less we’re able to get away with ‘if you don’t like this lol ignore us we’re dumb’ right?”

~AFFotD’s Lawyers

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Oh boy…

Last month, we sat down and wrote 18,000 words in a very off-brand attempt to take a snapshot at how each state and territory was handling closing and reopening during the COVID-19 pandemic. Of those 18,000 words, 149 were “fuck”, 89 were “fucked”, 20 were “fucking” and we tossed in a single instance of fucker and fuckers in there for good measure. This is the level of discourse we bring to the table here at America Fun Fact of the Day.

The reaction was actually far less angry than we anticipated—we had one guy gripe that our article was “dumb” and that there was a lot of “needless profanity.” Keep in mind, this was an individual who willingly read a punishingly massive article called “Who Fucked Up” so the term dumb is kind of relative, isn’t it?

Anyway, similarly, our follow up to that article is a very stupid and pointless enterprise. You should know going into this, we’re not doctors, we’re not trying to be political but somehow us talking about masks will be viewed as such, and we swear a bunch and write while drunk. If you care enough about our opinion to get upset, you really need to re-evaluate how you consume your news, Tucker.

Obviously when we made the decision to write this article two weeks ago, things looked a little less….um…listen we want to keep this light and humorous because the world is on fire and we might as well play some pretty songs while we go down with this ship.

So let’s do this! We’re going to list every state and territory, showing how they looked in June and how they look now. We’ll do a basic rundown of the initial shutdowns and reopenings of each one, reveal if we thought they had fucked up at the time, discuss any further reopenings (or, sigh, new closings), and finally we’ll ask have they fucked up, or are they fucking up.

It’s very scientific. And by scientific, we mean, what’s the opposite of scientific? Oh right, drunk people looking at charts and making broad generalizations about a very serious thing while shoehorning in some dick jokes. GodDAMNit we didn’t make a joke about Florida looking like a wang in our last article, did we? We should rectify that.

Sorry, we got distracted for a moment. ANYWAY. HERE WE GO.

Who Fucked Up Part 2: How States Are Handling Reopening One Month Since Our Last Check-in

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Nicolas Cage’s Character Names, Ranked

“You say I get to play someone named Castor Troy? I don’t even need to read the script, I’m IN.”

~Nicholas Cage in 1997

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There’s no exact science to how we come up with our article topics. Sometimes we see something in the news that piques our interest, sometimes we just think about pizza and think, what if this, but bad.

And sometimes we get a message from friend of AFFotD and occasional contributor, SarahIndie, and the article just writes itself.

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So that’s what we’re going to do! Note, this is NOT going to be a list of which CHARACTERS are the best. It’s just which NAMES are the best. Because if we had to sit down and watch every Nic Cage performance, we would not be able to finish before we reach the heat death of the universe. But names, those we can look at and evaluate.

So here we go. No build up, just NAMES! HOLD ONTO YOUR HATS!

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“Family Gift Nation” Sells “Funny Summer Shorts for the Family” and We “Hate Them So Much”

“Hey honey, look at these shorts! Aren’t they funny? It’s SUGGESTIVE ha ha! What’s that? What do you mean you’re leaving me?”

~The Average Customer at Family Gift Nation

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There’s no use explaining how we became aware of Family Gift Nation, a website devoted to selling extremely white bread, extremely cheesy sentiment so bland and fucking precious it makes those “Live, Laugh, Love” wine glasses looking like fucking meth pipes.

They almost exclusively sell watches, wallets, music boxes, and, um, engraved basketballs that are covered with, we shit you not, like 75 words of copy along the lines of, “My DEAREST SON, you are the true LIGHT OF MY LIFE, and when we SUMMER in the FINGER LAKES, just know that you are my SPECIAL LITTLE BOY and I will do ANYTHING to help you achieve your dreams of making VARSITY on the LACROSSE TEAM and I mean ANYTHING my SPECIAL CHILD.”

If you think we’re being a bit hyperbolic here, just check this shit out. Jesus Christ.

Anyway, while 90% of this nightmare site is wholesome bullshit that you’d expect to see on a dish towel in the kitchen of a super evangelical Christian woman who doesn’t give money to food banks for borderline racial reasons, there is one other type of item that they sell.

And they’re terrible. So we’re going to talk about…

Family Gift Nation’s Horrible, Horrible Joke Shorts

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We Just Learned That Oyster Ice Cream Exists So You Must Now Suffer This Knowledge as Well

“Goddamn it, I’m eating, I don’t want to hear about this. Gross.”

~You

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This is going to be a short article, and it’s going to haunt you for a long time. We’d apologize but we ran out of sorries somewhere around the time we wrote an articles with 90 pictures of sex jokes from Paper Mario 64.

Anyway. We’re going to write about ice cream. That’s not particularly unusual for us. And we’re going to write about gross ice cream. Again, been there, done that.

But no. We learned something horrible today, and we decided to drop everything and put together some 500 words so that you, our dear, beloved readers, can have their day ruined as well.

We are monsters and we must be stopped. Because.

Oyster Ice Cream Exists. Look Upon My Works, Ye Mighty, and Despair

oyster ice cream

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Paper Mario 64 Is the Horniest Video Game Ever Made

“Okay, so Mario has to get the Star-Rod, but you can also play as Peach, who gets help from Twink, okay guys what is it why are you all giggling?”

~Nintendo 64’s Focus Group Leader

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The last article we posted was an 18,000 word piece that took us five days to write, and at least 20 hours to research. It was a state-by-state analysis of how each America is handling the COVID-19 crisis that is currently *insert some cliche “we’re in this together” bullshit you’ve heard in like 500,000 commercials.*

So naturally, since people are talking about how we “did so much research” to provide “essential information” in our most recent post, we decided to follow that up with, just, the least essential article ever. This brings us so much joy. It is the dumbest thing we have ever done. We are truly children. Anyway, let’s have at it!

Paper Mario 64 Is the Horniest Video Game Ever Made

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Who Fucked Up? How States Are Handling Reopening in the Time of COVID

“Guys, why are you making me do real news? We’ve NEVER even come CLOSE to writing real news. Oh Jesus Christ, this is going to be so long isn’t it?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt. 

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Listen, we’re not happy about this article either.

This is not going to be worth the effort it takes to compile and, despite the fact that we’re going to try to fill this article with a combination of dumb dick jokes and meticulously compiled data, presented without too much overt bias, this will somehow piss off people, because apparently showing and discussing boring, dispassionate charts is considered “political” by about 25% of you fucking morons.

We are just looking at when states started opening up their economy, and we’re comparing that to how, as of the publication of this article, their infection rates of COVID-19 are trending. That’s it.

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We’re not saying that, if a state suddenly has a spike that looks like you’d need a fucking ladder to climb it, the state in question will forever suck at reopening their state. We’re not saying that states that held off on reopening are going to magically be in better shape than anywhere else.

Listen. If you’re reading this article at any point more than a few days from its publication, it could be oddly prophetic, or it could be a receipt left on the internet of how we misinterpreted how these trends would look in the long term.

That’s fine! This is literally a time capsule for this day, and however the data plays out after this point, it’s not at all tied to our ego. We wrote this over the course of like five days, and even in that short period of time some states saw HUGE changes from what we initially were seeing.

We had to go back and update all our charts, because while some were still accurate, some had some AGGRESSIVE CHANGES! If you’re reading this in September, we acknowledge that this article is going to seem quaint in its assumption that things are hunky-dory at some places they are not. We’re not happy that we spent about 20 hours writing this either.

And listen, if this article is proven to be stupid in a week, and states that we chastised for rushing into things ended up trending downward, cool! We’ll be glad to be wrong! We write stupid articles all the time. Like, that’s kind of our thing.

Anyway, all that we’re saying is, if you get mad reading our analysis here, maybe fuck off a lot. No, seriously. Shut it. Nope. Just. Shh. Shut up. Chill out.

And for the rest of you, you may often find yourself wondering this one question. And as of early-to-mid- June of 2020, this article will be your answer to—

Who Fucked Up? How States Are Handling Reopening in the Time of COVID

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